by J. H. Croix
“If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t be angry,” he replied.
I pondered that as I drove out to the resort in the darkness. The stars appeared close enough for me to reach up and grab them, and the moonlight glittered on the water.
The following morning, my phone rang just as I was walking into my bedroom from the shower. I yanked on a pair of sweatpants and rubbed a towel over my chest as I crossed over to glance down at my phone where it sat on my dresser.
I was going to ignore the call, but then it began ringing again. Lifting it, I slid my thumb across the screen. “Hey, Mom.”
“Gabriel!” she exclaimed, sounding surprised that I answered. As if she hadn’t just dialed my number twice in a row.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“Tell me how you’re doing,” my mom said brightly.
“I’m fine, Mom. How are you?”
I looped the towel around the bedpost and crossed over to stare out the window.
“I’m okay,” she said slowly before pausing.
I sensed she didn’t know what else to say. My mom and I weren’t close. The only way to describe what she’d done when I was a kid was abandonment. She left our dad to take care of us and bounced in and out of our lives periodically when she needed something.
I used to resent her, but I realized it was eating me up, so I’d made peace with my resignation for what she was to me. She usually called when she needed money, and I usually gave it to her.
I waited. I wasn’t going to fill the silence for her.
“I’m looking into buying a house,” she finally said, “but I could use a little more rent money until then.”
“How much do you need?”
I ignored the disappointment that settled like a thin, worn blanket over my shoulders. I was resigned to this, but it didn’t mean I liked it.
“Well, my rent’s a thousand bucks a month. I hope you don’t think I called you just for money.”
I rolled my eyes, marveling at how well-defended she was. My mother’s denial was a force of its own. She could ask me for money every time she called and still try to insist that wasn’t why she called. I focused on the view outside my windows. The sun was rising, casting a shimmery golden glow over the dark mountains and jagged peaks. We already had termination dust, the first fresh snow that fell on the mountains. I wondered when it would snow at our elevation.
“It’s no problem, Mom,” I replied. “Same account?”
“Yes.”
She paused, and I could practically imagine her wherever she was sitting. Her legs were usually crossed with one foot bouncing restlessly. Her fingers were either holding a cigarette as she smoked nervously or toying with whatever she could get her hands on.
“Have you heard from Aubrey?” she asked, her question falling like a sharp edge into the silence that spun out between us.
“We text every other week or so. She’s gonna try to get up here one summer.”
“Oh, okay.” My mother’s voice was hesitant, and I knew she didn’t know what to say. My sister refused to talk to her.
“I’ll make sure that money is wired over by tomorrow. I need to run because I have some flights scheduled for this morning.”
“Okay. Talk to you soon. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Mom. Take care.”
The line clicked in my ear when she hung up. I lowered my phone slowly, setting it on the windowsill. I rested my hands there and stared out. Dew was glittering on the dead grass and flowers. Autumn was passing quickly, and apparently, we had a wedding soon for Cammi and Elias.
I wondered if I could find what Elias had with Cammi. My mother was a big part of the reason I never thought I could commit. I’d told myself it wasn’t worth it for years, so like an idiot, when Nora pressed and said she wanted more, I’d told her it wasn’t possible.
I wanted to fix it, to take it back. I wanted to go back to us.
I thought about how Elias said he was equal parts excited and terrified to become a father. I wanted to have that kind of courage. Right now, all I wanted was to win her back, and I was terrified of losing the one woman I loved.
Chapter Eight
Nora
“Just freaking do what I say!”
After ordering the recalcitrant washer to obey me, I tried once more to shove it into place. It started to move. “Hallelujah!” I whisper-shouted to no one but myself and the washer that definitely could not care less about what I wanted it to do.
Just as I thought it was going my way, it shifted suddenly and slid way too fast. “Fuck!” Something pointy and painful jammed against my toe.
My eyes watered as I breathed through the sharp pain. It receded quickly, except now the washer was showing me who was boss. Somehow, I was pinned between it and the wall—or rather, my boot was—which meant I couldn’t go anywhere.
I tried futilely to lift it with a few grunts and groans in the process. All the while, my toe throbbed painfully.
My gaze whisked around the small laundry room. I’d been so excited to finally save up enough money to buy a brand-new washer and dryer that I decided I could install them myself. Really, it shouldn’t have been a big deal. I was a handy kind of girl. I’d hooked up the plumbing by myself, feeling ridiculously proud about it.
I didn’t like to feel limited by my size, but in this case, clearly, the weight and bulk of this machine weren’t working in my favor. With two older brothers, both tall, lanky, and plenty strong, I’d been that girl, the one who was always pushing to be stronger and faster than her brothers. To add kindling to that fire, I was a pilot who worked in Alaska. Most of my coworkers were men. It was a man’s world in more ways than I preferred.
“Well,” I said to myself—because I talked to myself a lot when I was working on things alone—“let’s hope I can reach my phone.”
I eyed my phone, sitting innocently on the windowsill. Leaning back, with the toe of my boot pinned firmly under the stupid washer, I grabbed it.
It almost slipped from my fingers, but I caught it on the descent. I dialed Daphne’s cell phone first.
“Hey, you!”
I could hear the smile in her voice. “Hey, you got a minute?”
“I have a minute to talk, but in about five, I should reach town. Need anything from the grocery store? You never did reply to my text last night.”
I groaned. “You’re almost in town?”
“Yeah, I told you I was going to the grocery store and taking care of some other errands. What’s up?”
“I’m kind of stuck,” I said with a sigh.
“Stuck?”
“I sort of dropped the washer on my foot, and it’s jammed.”
“Come again?”
I let out another sigh, leaning my head back and eyeing the ceiling. I’d painted that very ceiling myself. It was a perfectly smooth surface. No streaks, no ugly stains, absolutely nothing to focus on.
Lowering my gaze, I glanced between the wall and the washer. There wasn’t much space, and I couldn’t quite figure out why my foot was stuck.
“Who’s here at the resort? Anyone?” I finally asked.
I mentally scanned the flight schedule since I handled all of the scheduling for our business. I almost groaned again when I realized the one and only pilot who was not in the air today, aside from me, was Gabriel.
“Gabriel should be at the staff house. He passed through the kitchen, trying to sweet-talk me into stealing some of the cookies I’m bringing to Cammi for her café,” Daphne said with a laugh rustling in her throat. “I think you’re going to have to call him. Cat’s at school, so she won’t be home for hours. Even if I hightail it back there, it’s going to be at least twenty minutes. If you’re desperate, though, I’ll turn around.”
I bit the insides of my cheeks to keep from begging. I didn’t need to be so childish as to ask Daphne to drive all the way back to the resort and mess up her afternoon when I knew she needed to go to the store. It was dinner not only for the fam
ily but also for the guests. I couldn’t impose on her like that.
“I’ll call Gabriel,” I grumbled.
“You sound like a sad child,” Daphne teased. “You survived him flying you home last week. You can survive this.”
“I know, I know. Since I forgot to text you last night, now I need some wine. Can you get my favorite, that sweet red that I like so much? On second thought, let’s make margaritas. I’m gonna need a few tonight.”
I could hear the amusement in Daphne’s voice when she replied, “You got it, girl. Chin up. Let Gabriel save you again.”
“Oh, shut up,” I muttered.
She merely laughed before hanging up.
I glared at my phone for a moment. Like the washer, it had no reaction to me and my feelings.
I tapped open my screen and pulled up his contact. I had changed it to “Arrogant asshole” months ago when we broke things off. I didn’t enjoy how my pulse raced as I tapped to call him, or the way my belly felt as if I were falling.
He answered on the first ring.
The seconds that stretched between me tapping to call him and the phone ringing felt like time was spinning out in slow motion. My heart was thumping wildly, and my belly shimmied with anxiety and anticipation. Much as I didn’t want to ask for Gabriel’s help, I wanted to see him, almost desperately. I missed him, I missed what we had, and I was beyond annoyed at him for trying to change the rules again.
“Nora?” his voice prompted, seemingly out of nowhere.
I’d lost the thread of my own thoughts.
“Hey, um, I need some help.”
“Anything,” he said so quickly that my heart twisted a little.
“I’m stuck. Just come over to my place. I need more strength than I have.”
“Are you okay?” He sounded alarmed.
“Well, my toe hurts like hell, but I’ll be fine. Just hurry, please.”
“Be there in a few.”
For the first time since I’d built my small house, I cursed that I’d wanted to make sure it was at least five minutes away from everybody else. My breath came out in an annoyed sigh.
I tried to shimmy the washer and finally realized why I was stuck. The flooring under the corner had been knocked loose, and my foot was caught between the edge of the tile and the wall. I’d left the gap there purposely to bring the plumbing up. Nobody ever saw behind the washer.
Fuck my life. This was a silly, minor mishap, but I felt foolish. Of course, it had to be Gabriel coming to help. Gabriel, who now claimed he loved me. Gabriel, who kissed me and set all those embers alight between us again. I’d just barely reached the point when I thought I could somehow get to the other side of falling for him. My anger had served me quite well, and I’d savored the cool blade of it for months.
Five minutes definitely hadn’t passed when I heard him burst through the front door. “Nora!”
My heart twisted at the hint of fear in his voice.
“In the laundry room!”
A second later, he peered through the open doorway. His gaze chased over me. “You’re stuck behind the washer?”
“Go ahead and laugh,” I deadpanned. “I thought I could handle moving it myself.”
He still looked concerned, and my heart twisted again. Everything felt so tricky with him. We’d finally spoken because I had to talk to him, and now I couldn’t seem to climb back across that chasm I’d created between us and stay firmly on the opposite side where I could avoid him.
I felt as if I was walking a narrow rope bridge across the chasm, just wide enough that I could put one foot in front of the other. If I fell, I didn’t know where I would land. My heart was already bruised and battered from when he told me he could never commit. Never. He’d actually used that word. I believed him.
Now, I spent every night since that stupid night I’d had to sleep beside him in the back of his plane, replaying our conversation and our kiss. I didn’t know how to believe him now, and I couldn’t get my own stupid heart to stop clamoring for me to give him a second chance.
My heart didn’t have good judgment. My heart knew well the lessons I’d learned from my parents. Men weren’t to be trusted. They were flaky and irresponsible, and you couldn’t count on them. Ever.
Of course, ever since the first night Gabriel and I gave in to the flames flickering between us, he hadn’t been with anybody else. That was why I’d been so foolish and thought maybe there was something to what I felt between us. Matters were made decisively more complicated by how insanely good it was with us. That man played my body like a fiddle, and the music was gorgeous. No one could make me forget myself as thoroughly as Gabriel could. I craved his touch.
“Nora?” he prompted.
See? That was how bad it was with him. I lost track of everything. I was just staring down at the silver washer. I lifted my eyes to his, bracing myself to take the hit that would come from looking into his gaze. Good thing I was prepared.
The jolt hit me hard when my gaze locked onto his mossy green eyes. My cells spun like tops, excited to see him. I felt as if the air around us contained sparks, sizzling in a fiery mist around us.
“I’m stuck,” I repeated through the muddle of need clamoring in my body.
Gabriel glanced between the washer and the wall. “Your foot?”
“Yeah. I left a gap in the flooring for the plumbing, and my foot slid into it when I pulled this a little too hard. I can’t get leverage to lift it.”
Gabriel was gracious enough not to laugh at my predicament. His hands curled over the edges of the washer. In one smooth motion, he tilted it, and when the pressure eased off my foot, I couldn’t hold back my sigh of relief.
Glancing at him, I asked, “Can you move it back a little now?”
Of course, he took care of it immediately with little effort. I shimmied out from the gap between the wall and the washer, and he put the washer back in place. He moved so quickly, I didn’t even realize he was hooking it up as I shook my foot to relieve the pain from being cramped under the corner of the washer.
“Thank you,” I said when he straightened.
“No problem. Your foot okay?”
“My toes will be sore, but I’ll be fine,” I said with a sheepish shrug.
Staying in the small room with him was dangerous. His presence filled it, potent and strong.
I practically ran out of the room, annoyed that I couldn’t move that fast with my toe still throbbing. He followed me out. The laundry room was just off the kitchen. I rested my hips against the counter, and he stopped maybe a foot away. I wanted him to leave quickly, but that felt ungrateful, considering he’d run over here to help me.
“Have you thought about what I said?” His eyes held mine, so earnest that my heart gave another tricky twist.
Butterflies amassed in my belly, and my breath got short as my pulse took off like a rocket into space. Being in actual space might create enough distance between Gabriel and me so I could get a hold of my anger again. That, and my sanity.
Unfortunately, my emotions were their own mess, and I felt tears hot in my eyes and had to close them. I was afraid I was going to cry right in front of him.
My fear was proven true when he said, “Please don’t cry, Nora.”
Oh, God. I felt him stepping closer and wrapping his strong arms around me. Just like I wanted. So, so much. I couldn’t even bring myself to shove him away.
I tucked my head into the warm curve of his neck, and my traitorous arms slipped around his waist. I didn’t burst into tears, although that was about the only thing I managed to keep under control. I breathed in his scent, a little crisp with a hint of evergreen clinging to him.
One of his hands cupped the back of my head, and the other slid up and down my back in what I thought he intended to be a soothing pass. I was so unsettled, so frantic that his touch stirred up desire, and sparks flew, catching fire inside me. I willed my pulse to slow, tried to scramble for some kind of control, but my control slipped, and I sa
vored the feel of him.
It was quiet, save for the resounding beat of my heart. It drummed out recklessly, overjoyed at being close to Gabriel once again. I couldn’t seem to get my heart to recognize the risk. I was certain Gabriel only thought he loved me because I’d put a stop to our convenient relationship.
I didn’t doubt he wanted me. I knew chemistry when I felt it, and ours was of the barn burner variety. With my heart and my body staking their claim on this moment, my anxious mind was reduced to a distant murmur.
A profound sense of relief also filtered through me. I was tired of listening to my own worries, playing on a loop of regret and recrimination. I didn’t have my own heartbreak before Gabriel, not romantically speaking. I simply had my entire childhood shaping my understanding of what it meant to love someone who didn’t share the same concepts of commitment and loyalty.
For now, though, that noise faded into the background. I could hear Gabriel’s heartbeat beneath my ear. He was warm and strong, and I was tired. My mind scrambled as if it had slipped and fallen and was trying to catch its balance again, but it was unsteady. I told myself I would just let him hold me. That was it. Nothing more.
His fingers started to sift through my hair, and I practically purred like a cat, nuzzling a little closer. My nose had landed just over the open vee of his Henley shirt. His skin was warm, and his scent overtook my senses. Before I knew it, I was the foolish one. My thoughts slipped again, left behind in the cacophony of a roaring desire and sheer emotional overwhelm.
My lips landed in that triangle of skin. Then I couldn’t resist pressing a kiss at the base of his throat. It was such a sweet little dip, exactly the size and shape where lips could press and linger.
His fingers slid up my spine, tightening in my hair. I savored the slight sting on my scalp because it distracted me from all my messy feelings.
“Nora,” he murmured, his voice low and gravelly.
Gabriel was the only man whose voice could get to me. I’d never tested the theory, but I thought perhaps he could make me come just with his voice alone. It was rumbly and sexy and occasionally growly.