by R. R. Banks
"Mr. Jefferson, are you OK?"
"Jason, I've been looking for you."
Jason stood up and faced the principal.
"Is everything alright?"
The principal shook his head, looking out of breath and even more frazzled than he usually did.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"There's a fire," he said. "Another arson. This time it was an apartment building. Garrett's there."
My stomach turned, and I felt a spike of fear inside me. I looked at Jason and saw that all the color had drained from his face. He looked at me as though at a loss for words.
"Come on," I said. I looked at Mr. Jefferson. "Where is it?"
As we ran through the school and toward the parking lot, my heart was pounding so hard in my chest and in my head that it was all I could hear. I prayed with every footstep that Garrett would be alright, and I felt something inside me shift. I suddenly thought about my ex-husband and how he had come into my life and shattered it even further than it already had been. When I first met him, I thought that he was going to be so wonderful. He seemed so strong. He seemed like he had everything together and was going to be there to take care of me. It was a whirlwind and I was swept into what felt like something magical, but just as quickly as it had begun, it began to unravel. He became unpredictable, some moments seeming completely out of control and then suddenly coming back and apologizing, telling me that he would never act like that again. And then it would simply get worse. I only stayed until the first moment of violence, but by that point, so much damage had already been done. I limped out of that marriage questioning myself and all that I was. I couldn't understand why I had been so attracted to such a string of toxic men. It was only after I had stepped back from my life and looked at it with truth and honesty that I saw that the men I chose were men I wanted to save because I had never been able to save Michael.
My tires squealed as I drove out of the parking lot and toward the apartment building that Mr. Jefferson had described. As I sped along the roads, I realized that I was thinking of nothing but Garrett. Not the pain. Not the fear. Not any sense that he needed me to rescue him. Only of him. I didn't know what caused the pain that was so evident within him, but for the first time, I didn't see it as something I needed to fix. It was a part of him, and all that I cared about was him.
We were nearly to the apartment building when we hit a blockade in the middle of the road. Police officers came to the window and tried to shoo me away. I rolled the window down and looked out at them.
"You need to head back, ma'am. It's not safe."
"My dad's in there," Jason shouted from the passenger seat.
"You don't need to be anywhere around here," the police officer said. "Head back."
There was a severity in his voice that caused me to back the car up and turn around, heading toward my house because I didn't know where else to go.
"Where are you going?" Jason asked. "Dad's back there!"
"I know," I said. "He's doing his job. There's nothing that we can do. I'm bringing you to my house for now."
"What are we supposed to do there?" he asked.
“We wait.”
Chapter Fifteen
Garrett
I ducked my head against the blazing heat as another rush of flame came toward me. All around me pieces were falling off the walls and tumbling down from the ceiling. I lifted my arm to shield myself from a large chunk of the structure that was falling toward me and felt a deep pain. The flames and the smoke were so intense that it was quickly becoming disorienting inside the building. For the first time in many years, I started to question whether I was going to be able to take this fire down. It was burning with an incredible ferocity. A consistent breeze outside continuously fed it, keeping the flames growing and spreading. It had been clear since just a few minutes after we arrived on the scene that the apartment building was a total loss. There was no point in trying to save any of the structure. Our responsibility now was getting inside and trying to save as many people who might be trapped there as we possibly could. From there, we needed to keep the fire under control so that it didn't catch the dry grass and brush around the building. There hadn't been any rain in a couple of weeks, and if even a small flame hopped onto the grass and the wind picked it up, it could put most of Silver Lake at serious risk.
There was fear coursing through me. I was afraid that we weren't going to be able to get the fire under control and prevent it from destroying other buildings. I was afraid that we wouldn't be able to find the people who were here and get them out. I was afraid that I would fail and that I would finally have to give myself up to the flames. It was that fear, though, that kept me pushing. I refused to give up. I refused to give into it and to let it consume me. I knew that the moment I turned the questions into doubt, I was sacrificing myself and everyone who was relying on me. I fought against the indescribable heat and visibility that had been reduced to nearly nothing. Ahead of me on the floor, I could see a dark shape against the flames. I took a step toward it and knew that it was a person. I leaned down to touch it and realized that it wasn't one person, but two children curled around each other. I scooped one into each arm and rushed in the direction I hoped was the entrance.
Relief washed over me when I burst out of the building and into the evening air. But my work wasn't finished. I brought the two children to the waiting emergency responders and handed them over. Both whimpered as they came out of my arms and I knew that they were still alive. It was enough to give me another boost of motivation and I turned, running back into the building. I tried to remember the layout of the building that we had studied on our way to the blaze, reminding myself of the location of the stairwells so I could try to navigate the inferno to where people who had tried to escape were now trapped. I could hear the voices of my team shouting, but they were so muffled by the roar of the fire that they sounded like whispers. That was something about fire that people never understood until they had stood in the midst of something like this. Fire wasn't just hot enough to melt skin or bright enough to leave you feeling blinded. It was loud. The sound of the flames would get inside you as it rushed through the space, consuming oxygen, crackling across surfaces, exploding glass and electronics, giving sizzling protests when touched by water.
Just as it always did when I was fighting a fire like this, time seemed to both slow and speed up as I continued to fight. It seemed that we had been there battling the raging fire that had nearly taken down the entire building for days, and yet I felt like the seconds and minutes were slipping away from me too fast. I was all too aware that with every one that went by me, the risk of cost of life increased. There was always a chance that someone had passed out before making it into the stairs or that a child was hiding, making it harder for us to find them. I wouldn't accept that.
I found a woman draped across the stairs and swept her onto my shoulders, running her outside, and then diving back in. A few minutes later I brought out an elderly man and then two more children. Then teamed with another of the firefighters to carry out a large man who had been trying to help others escape but had been overcome by the smoke. I would have to remember to find out who he was and visit him after the fire. He would be a good addition to our team.
Each time that I ran out of the building I tried to appreciate the dip in temperature and the clearer air in front of me. The smoke was billowing out of the building and darkening the sky, but out there, I could look in front of me. I could see the mountains.
"It's going to collapse," one of the men shouted.
I heard him, but I didn't stop. There was still a room I hadn't gotten to. I wasn't going to leave that space untouched. There was no way of knowing who could be inside, waiting, praying for help to come. I was going to do everything in my power to make sure that that help came. All around me the building was tumbling down, sacrificing pieces of itself into the mouth of the flames. The fire was creeping up the stairs now, but I leapt through it and rushed up,
my ax in my hands, ready to do battle with whatever obstacles might come my way. I heard Gwendolyn's voice in the back of my mind, her laugh, the way she said my name. I focused on that rather than the sound of the flames. The more that I heard her, the less the flames could get to me. They couldn't win.
I finally crashed into the room that I hadn't gotten to yet and looked around. It was full of smoke but hadn't been engulfed by the fire yet. I didn't see anyone and was starting to leave when I noticed a flicker of movement by my feet. I looked down and saw that I was standing beside a dresser. A tiny paw shot out from under it and batted at my boot. I crouched down and reached under, grabbing with my gloves and hoping that I had gotten ahold of the little creature. I pulled it out and saw that it was a white kitten, it's green eyes wide and its fur tinged with soot. I brought it close to my chest and started out of the building. The structure was groaning around me, telling me that it couldn't withstand the intensity for any longer. I moved as fast as I could, but I was disoriented, unsure of where I had gone. I stepped out of the stairwell door but didn't know if I had gotten to the first floor. I kept the kitten as close to me as I could, tucking it close to my helmet hoping that it could get some of the oxygen from inside.
"Where are you?" I could hear one of my men shouting through my earpiece.
I turned my face toward the radio on my shoulder.
"I'm not sure. First or second floor."
"Get out of there!"
I tried to orient myself, but the flames were a surrounding wall now, obliterating any signs of doors or windows. I took a step and heard the sickening snap of the ceiling giving way. It groaned loudly, and I turned my back, feeling it crash down onto me before I could get out of the way.
"Where are you?"
I strained against the debris on top of me, but I could barely move. My head dropped to the floor. Maybe this time the fire had won.
I could hear Gwendolyn's voice. It was close now. I listened harder, trying to understand the words that she was saying. But they seemed to blur so that all I could perceive was just the sound. The longer I listened, the more I realized it was only her voice that I was hearing. I no longer heard the flames or the crackle of the building around me being consumed. I strained to get closer to her, but in an instant, everything was gone again.
When I heard her voice again it seemed clear. I wanted to open my eyes, but it felt like I had no control over my body. She sounded farther away this time as if she wasn't speaking to me. I listened more closely and finally heard the words.
"He's going to be all right," she said. "He's going to be fine."
Darkness settled over me again, but this time it came with more peace. The next time I heard her voice she was close beside me. She was talking in a low whisper now, everything that she was saying coming just to me. I wondered if she was really there or if my mind had just conjured her as it had when I was in the fire, wanting to protect me with thoughts of her.
"You have to be strong," she whispered. "You have to get through this. Jason needs you. I need you."
The darkness started coming again and I tried to fight against it. This time I didn't want it to take me. I needed to open my eyes. I needed to see her.
The next time that I heard a voice it wasn't Gwendolyn.
"I'm sorry," Jason said. "I know that's not enough. I know that I've caused you so much trouble and disappointed you. We had to leave everything and come all the way out here because of me. I'm sorry."
I was suddenly aware that it was not just his voice that I can perceive. My body felt warm and my fingers were tingling. I could feel the pressure of his hand rested on mine and I knew that I was coming out of the deep sleep that had been holding me. I didn't know how long I had been there, but I was fighting my way out of it. I knew that this was reality. It wasn't something that my mind was coming up with. I wasn't still lying on the floor in the burning apartment building. I had survived.
My eyelids felt impossibly heavy as I lifted them, and my eyes burned as air and light touched them. I heard Jason let out a little gasp and his hand tightened on mine.
"Dad?"
"Hi, son."
My throat felt raw and stung as I spoke. The longer that my eyes were open, the more aware of my body I became. I began to feel the aches through my muscles and bones, and the sharp sting of burns and cuts. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a bag of fluids connected to my arm. Jason started shouting for the doctor and a few seconds later several nurses rushed into the room. I wanted to tell them to calm down, to not fuss over me, but the expressions on their faces told me that this was more serious than anything that I had gone through before. I let them examine me and I tried to listen to everything that they said to each other, catching as many words and references as I could to try to get a full picture of what had happened to me. I hated when this was the way that doctors handled their patients. He was talking about me as if I was still unconscious, as if I was not aware of what was going on, or as if I didn't deserve to know what was happening. I started to feel angry.
"Please leave me alone," I said.
The nurses and doctor looked down at me as if startled to hear me speak.
"We are just checking you over," the doctor said. "We want to make sure that everything looks alright."
"And you've done that," I said. "Unless there's something specific that you need to do right now, please leave me alone with my son. You can come back later."
They exchanged glances and then shuffled out of the room, closing the door as they went. Jason came back to the side of my bed and looked down at me. There was a smile on his lips, but it looked nervous as if he didn't fully trust that he could feel relieved or happy.
"You've been here for three days," he told me. "I was starting to worry that you weren't going to wake up."
I forced a little laugh.
"No," I said. "I'm fine. I was just taking a little nap."
He laughed. Then I saw his face grow serious and concerned again.
"Dad, I wanted to tell you…"
I shook my head.
"Everything's fine," I said. "I'm glad you're here."
"I am, too. I love you, Dad."
I smiled.
"I love you too, buddy."
There was a sharp knock on the door and when it opened the doctor stepped inside again.
"I'm sorry," he said, "but I really must insist on a more thorough examination. I need to make sure that your injuries are healing properly."
I looked up at Jason and nodded.
"Why don't you go down to the cafeteria and get something to eat," I said. "Did they give you my wallet?"
"Yeah," he said.
"Good."
He walked out of the room and I looked to the doctor. I nodded and closed my eyes, bracing myself for what I knew would be an excruciatingly painful few minutes. When he was finally finished I learned that part of the ceiling had come down on me, but members of my team had come into the building looking for me and were able to get me out. I had sustained cuts and burns, had a broken collarbone, and deep bruising to the bones in my legs and had suffered serious smoke inhalation. But I was alive. That's what mattered.
Jason still wasn't back by the time that the doctor left, and I realized just how alone I was. I thought about Gwendolyn and felt a knot forming in my chest as I realized that she wasn't there. Hearing her voice had been a construct of my imagination, something for my brain to do to keep itself distracted from the damage to the rest of my body. I was upset and disappointed that she wasn't there, but at the same time, I knew that I could only be angry at myself. The way that I had spoken to her, I couldn't blame her for wanting nothing to do with me.
During the fire, I had been terrified, but it had given me the opportunity to realize just how much Gwendolyn mattered to me. I knew for certain now the feelings that I had for her went well beyond the immediate desire that I had had for her in the passion that I felt for her. I was falling for her harder than I had ever fallen. Sittin
g in that cold, empty hospital room, though, I knew that she didn't feel the same way about me. If she did, she would be there with me.
Jason came back into the room and sat down in a chair at the head of the bed. He was eating his way through a thick sandwich when something occurred to me.
"What have you been doing for the last three days?" I asked.
"I went to school yesterday, but mostly I've been here with you."
"They let you sleep here?"
"No."
"So, you've been alone for three days?"
He shook his head.
"I've been staying with Miss Martin."
I felt my heart jump in my chest.
"Miss Martin?" I asked. "You've been staying with her?"
He nodded. "I was with her when I found out about the fire. We tried to get to the building, but the police wouldn't let us get close to it. So, she brought me back to her house. She said that I shouldn't be alone. When we found out that you were here, she brought me up here and I've been with her ever since."
"She's been taking care of you?" I asked.
"Yeah," he said. "She even got a substitute to cover her classes."
I looked at him strangely.
"Why would she do that?"
He looked at me as if he couldn't believe I didn't know.
"Because she's been here," he said. "She's been here every day. Even when I went back to school because I had to do the presentation, she stayed here with you."
"I was lying here in a hospital and you went back to school to do a presentation?" I asked.
It didn't sound like him, but he nodded with conviction.
"I didn't want to mess up again. I want you to be proud of me."
"I am proud of you," I said. "I might not say that to you enough, but I am. And I want you to know that I believe in you completely. I tried to go behind your back and get Miss Martin to give you the extra points on your test."
"I know."
"I figured that she probably would have told you."
He shook his head.