I'm airborne again and being carried away in a football hold under Jay's arm towards his house.
“I'm not done yet!” I yell, wanting Will to feel every ounce of pain he has ever caused me and more.
Jay chuckles, “I think I may be a bad influence on you.” He smacks my ass and I grin, “That punch to his jaw was badass babe. You made me proud.”
Warm tingles take over at his praise, “You saw that?”
Jay sets me down on his living room floor and shuts his door, but not before making sure Will has gotten in his car and is driving away.
Jay picks up my hand to examine my knuckles that are sore, “I was coming after you to kill the motherfucker when your fist shoots out and smashes him with enough force I heard it from across the street. It stopped me in my tracks.” He lightly kisses my throbbing hand and leads me to the kitchen.
“I hate him, Jay. I hate him!” I seethe as Jay wraps ice in a towel and holds it on my knuckles, “He actually called what he did to me 'making love'!”
Jay stiffens at my words and growls, “He said that?”
“He said I deserved what I got the next morning for trying to leave him after we 'made love',” my words are firing out of me like rockets, “he had the audacity to say I used him! Ha! I should have made him choke to death on his own balls!”
Jay starts laughing, “Now you're even sounding like me.”
“I can't believe the weak person I was.”
Jay hooks my chin up, “Not weak. You just needed to realize your self-worth.”
I pounce on him and attack his lips, letting my tongue and mouth show the gratitude I have for everything he has done for me.
Within minutes we are on his couch, ripping our clothes off each other, unable to control our frantic greed for the other's body. We don't waste time exploring or touching, going straight for what we want. I get on top, sinking down on him, and we both cry out from the pleasure. I want this so badly I don't have time to feel insecure that I don't know what I'm doing. I just let myself get lost in the sensation and let my body instinctively tell me what to do.
Being stretched out and full of Jay inside me has my hips rocking and circling at a pace so untamed and unrestrained that I combust so powerfully it gives Jay no choice but to follow. We both scream out the other's name before collapsing on our sides. Waves of aftershocks continue to hit us both as we silently try to come back to earth.
“Damn, Lily, you've ruined me.” He kisses the top of my head and I nuzzle up under his chin, sedated and content.
“You were hilarious to watch out there. You've become such a little firecracker,” Jay chuckles, kissing my head again.
“He can't hurt me anymore. He can't because I won't let him. I have an amazing sense of freedom from knowing that,” I say this only because I need to hear the words spoken out loud.
“No, he can't,” Jay's voice fades into the words, sounding almost in agony over them. He breathes out a curse and begins rubbing the bridge of his nose, his breathing growing rapid and unsteady.
I sit up, “What's wrong?”
He gets up and starts pacing the length of the hall, to the couch and back again. Hands resting on his hips, head hanging, watching his feet move.
“You're kinda freaking me out right now. What's wrong?” I plead with him, but he ignores me and continues his pacing.
After a tedious amount of time he comes to a halt between the hall and the living room. I watch him transform in front of me. His features harden, his muscles tighten, and his eyes devoid of emotion.
“I'm leaving on Friday,” he's even and matter-of-fact, as if his words didn't just shatter me into a million pieces. “I have to start getting everything in order.”
Jay retreats down the hall and I remain on the couch, too stunned to move. He can't be leaving. Oh god, just the thought of it is more painful than I ever imagined.
I jump up and stumble after him, “Jay, wait. I thought we still had a few more weeks.”
I catch him as he's about to open the door to his second bedroom. His back is to me, and he takes in a deep breath, “It's time, Lily. I've been here far too long. I warned you about this.”
“Did you just decide this? Why so suddenly?” I sound desperate, but I don't care. My chest is caving in from the idea of never seeing him again.
“I have a lot of work to do,” he goes into the room, shutting the door behind him.
I start hyperventilating as I drop to the ground. Why does it hurt this much? I knew our time together was fleeting, what we had was temporary, but I never prepared myself. I never let myself think about it. I preferred to pretend it was never going to happen.
The second room door opens and Jay comes out, sidestepping around me as if I'm a puddle on the road. He comes back fully dressed and retreats back into the room.
I force myself to get off the floor. I go to the couch, pick up my fallen clothes, and get dressed with shaky hands. I sit on the couch, turn on the television, and mindlessly watch.
Chapter 16
7:01pm
The refrigerator door opens, awakening me on the couch. I open my eyes to find Jay biting into an apple and staring at me.
“I have a lot I need to get done. You should go home.” I ignore the gruff, heartless tone.
“It's fine. I'll watch a movie until you go to bed,” my voice falters and I try to not let my face show my confusion and sorrow.
“Go home, Lily,” Jay takes a loud chomp into his apple and heads down the hall.
Did he just throw me out of his house? Oh god, what is going on? What happened to the Jay that made love to me so tenderly? Who had me laughing all day my sides still ache?
I go after him and enter the room without knocking. Jay's at a computer desk with papers surrounding him and the safe next to the desk wide open.
Jay's head jerks up in surprise, then shifts to something more threatening and dark, “What the fuck Lily?” He sounds aggravated and annoyed. “Ever heard of privacy?”
“Are you seriously doing this?!” I shout, marching over. For once I'm a little taller and I heighten myself, “What's with the cold shoulder?”
“I don't have time for your silly girl behavior right now. I told you this was going to happen. Deal with it.” He focuses back on the computer.
“Why are you acting like this? Why are you trying to push me away?” It's almost at a whisper, I’m too astounded at his behavior.
“The only reason I've stayed way past my expiration date is because I needed to make sure that fucker wasn't a threat to you. I saw first hand you can take care of yourself. It's time I get the hell out of here.”
“Why? Who are you running from?”
Jay laughs, dark and sinister, “Not running. Hunting.”
Chills prick every part of my body. “Who are you hunting?”
Jay ignores me, shuffling through papers.
“Will I ever see you again?”
“No.”
“Then tell me who you are.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“It doesn't matter. I'll be gone and you can forget you ever met me.”
“Not possible.”
Jay swivels his chair to face me, his expression detached, impassive, “There are a lot of bad people in this world, people that would use you to get to me. I can't have that on my conscience. I stupidly let this go too far. Luckily, I'll be gone soon and I can put this mess behind me.”
“Gawd, you make it sound like what happened between us was a mistake.”
“It was.”
A punch in the stomach would have been more inviting than Jay's admission.
“How can you say that?”
“Lily, I need you to go. I have a lot of work to do.”
“No.”
“Lily,” he warns.
“If I walk out that door I'll never see you again, and you’ll carry on with your life dismissing what happened between us, even though I know you feel it too.”
“It's for your ow
n protection. Just trust I'm leaving now to keep you safe. My world is no place for someone like you.”
“Someone like me!” I screech, “What the hell does that mean?”
“Lily, I need you to go now.”
A single tear falls and I wipe it away before Jay can see, “Is this goodbye?”
“No, I'll see you before I head out.” He sounded like we were friends and he was only leaving for a vacation.
“Fuck you. Don't do me any favors!” I storm out of the room, slamming the door shut. “Have a nice life, Jay!” I yell back through the door before continuing my tromp back home.
I slam my front door closed, hard enough to make the walls rattle. “Fuck you,” I tell the door, kicking it as a steady stream of tears fall down.
I run to my bed and sob into my pillow, trying to understand how my life went from perfect to a crumbling mess in a blink of an eye.
Why did I let myself fall for a guy that reminded me every chance he could that he wasn't sticking around, no matter what? Did I stupidly think I was enough reason for him to stay? The truth is I never let myself think about it. I figured I'd deal with it when it happened. Well, now it has, and it sucks.
God, it sucks.
Chapter 17
Wednesday, January 15
10:02am
Jay's number rings on my cell phone and I warily answer it.
“You want any of my workout equipment?” His voice is back to being gruff with me and the tears I thought had dried out last night come back.
“You're not bringing it?”
“No, I rent 'em, but if you want any of it I'll buy it for you.”
“That makes me feel cheap, like a payoff for sex.”
“That's what you think this is? Wow...fine, whatever, it doesn't matter anyway. It's probably better if you think that of me. Do you want anything or not?”
“The weights and weight bench,” I reply. If I’m going to feel used I might as well get something out of it.
“I'll bring it over in a minute,” he hangs up.
10:23am
I answer the door to find a very uncomfortable Jay with his hands in his pocket, shoulders scrunched up, sunglasses on.
“Where do you want it?”
It's hard not to smirk at his question. Thanks to him my brain reads sexual connotations into everything now.
He notices and I see his mouth twitching on the side of his face, and for a brief second I forget the last eighteen hours.
“Wherever it can fit. I think I might have room in the back of my garage,” I can't hold back a smile and neither can he.
“Well I've got my truck at the front entrance, I can load it in. You just have to open up for me.”
The reason for his visit comes full force to the front of my brain, and my playful smile turns down.
“I'll go open the garage,” I shut the door, go to the kitchen, out the door, and push the garage door opener on the wall.
Jay pulls out the equipment that he took apart, puts it back together for me, and places it where I want it.
“Thanks,” I say when he's finished.
“I'm glad you wanted some of it.”
We both stand there avoiding eye contact, neither one moving a single muscle.
Jay reaches into his pocket and hands me a business card, this time looking me straight on, “If you ever get into trouble, call Malik. I talked to him, and he's here for you no questions asked, twenty-four hours a day. Promise me you'll call him, and as soon as you get a job you'll take defense or martial arts classes.”
I reluctantly take it. “I don't understand why you're ending things like this, so spur of the moment,” I say softly, staring down at the card in my hand.
“I swore to myself I had to leave the instant I knew you would be okay. You are. I have to leave now.”
“I won't be okay if you go.”
“Yes, you will.”
“One day, yeah, but not any time soon.”
Jay lets out a deep, heavy sigh, “I'll find a way to make it easier for you.”
“How?”
He shrugs, “I'll find a way.”
He goes back to his truck and I watch him back up until he reaches his driveway.
7:12pm
Jay has been in and out since he left my house. I shamefully spied from the window like a pathetic loser. He's been home a few hours now and I keep hoping he'll try contacting me to apologize or explain. Anything to show what we shared meant something to him. I grow more nervous and sick to my stomach with each passing hour.
I can't take it anymore and I open my front door, only to find him getting into his truck and driving off.
I pace the kitchen most of the night until I grow too tired and head to bed. When I wake up the next morning his truck is still gone.
Maybe he's gone. My stomach churns at such a pace I might vomit from the thought.
It's after eleven in the morning when he finally pulls into his driveway. Yes, I’ve been spying this whole time like a love-sick fool. It's pathetic and depressing.
I thought I was finally turning into a strong-willed woman, but pining after a man who seems to have already forgotten me proves how wrong I am. Does this realization stop me from going outside to greet him? Nope. Shame on me.
I jog across the street and catch him before he starts up the walkway to his door.
“Jay, wait!” I yell, and he turns around. He's wearing his stupid shades and I can't tell his mood. His mouth remains in a straight line. We're close enough to touch and I can smell the alcohol oozing out of his pores and the stench of cigarette smoke.
“What's up?” Jay asks, swiping his head.
“Where have you been?” I demand, way too forcefully; even I know it's not my place to interrogate him.
“Well, mom,” he retorts, annoyed, “The guys from work threw me a going away thing. I got way too fucking drunk to drive home.” Even his breath reeks of booze and I hold my breath while he talks. “Now if you'll excuse me, I have the worst hangover of my life and I need to go pass out.”
He turns to leave and I spot the markings on his neck. Both my hands iron grip his arm and tug him closer. I get on tip toe to make sure I was only seeing things.
Oh god, I'm going to be sick.
“Are those lipstick marks on your collar and neck?” I can hardly speak. My heart and rapid breathing are all I can hear while I wait for a response.
Jay hooks his finger in the collar and brings it out to get a better look and chuckles. He fucking chuckles!
“Damn, Sheila,” he says it with amusement in his voice, “That girl sure knows how to show a guy a good time.”
I slap him.
I slap him so hard across the face it vibrates my arm and stings my palm, causing my eyes to tear up from the pain.
We stare at each other in shock as Jay rubs the red hand print on his face.
“You told me you would never hurt me,” I choke out, trying to hold back the tears. “This,” I point to the lip markings on him, “hurts more than anything Will ever did to me because I never really loved him, but you...” A sob escapes the back of my throat. I run home before I lose it in front of him even more than I already have.
I want to throw something. I want to hit something. I want to scream, cry, yell, and then hit something again. I refrain from any of those things. Instead, I pace around my house like a mad woman off her meds, pulling at my hair. The walls start caving in and I'm finding it hard to breathe. Really hard.
I think I need help.
Why do I keep letting myself be tortured by men who treat me no better than a stray dog?
I only have myself to blame. I let them in, ignore any red flags, and Jay had a shitload of them. Every time his walls came down I stupidly pushed away any signs of warning, wanting to get closer to him.
Oh god, I let myself fall in love with him.
That's when I lose it. My back hits my bedroom wall and I slide down it, sobbing so hard air can't get to my lungs fast e
nough and I'm not sure I will stop. I'm not sure I want to stop.
Chapter 18
Friday, January 17
2:13pm
I cried last night until I passed out. I'm still in bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out my fucked up life.
I get out of bed to use the bathroom and get a drink of water.
I look out the kitchen window and see Jay's truck loaded to the max with all his stuff. My heart stops. I wait, because I know any minute I will see him walk out of his house and drive away from here, away from me.
Exactly two minutes later my instincts are correct, and I see him throwing something into the bed of the truck. He grips the side and hangs his head. From here I can see his chest rise from heavy breathing, and his palms hit down on the bed of the truck, causing it to shake. He backs up and walks around, kicking a tire as he passes it. He hops in the truck and I'm sprinting out of my house. I stand at the end my driveway and watch as he drives away without so much as a glance in my direction. He stares straight ahead as if I never existed, which maybe I don't to him anymore.
Asshole.
Now I’m angry. I let the anger snake through my veins, overpowering anything else until I'm a ball of fury, rage, and hatred.
I storm over to his house and find it unlocked, so I enter. Why? Not sure. I think I need closure or some shit like that.
It's completely empty.
His kitchen makes me take a step back, all the drawers have been thrown out and shattered against an empty wall. Cabinets are hanging off their hinges as if he had tried ripping them out. I head down the hall to his bedroom. The wall on the door-side has six holes smashed through it.
What the hell?
It looks like he went on a crazy rampage through the place.
I check out the second room. It only has one hole.
I go to the garage, which is bare, but the glass wall is shattered all over the ground.
I leave the house and push back any desire to cry and throw myself a pity-party. I didn't cry after Will raped (I can finally admit that word to myself) me and beat me the next morning. I sure as hell wasn't going to cry over a neighbor I had mutual sex with. It was fun, he helped me find myself, and now I'm moving on. It's that simple. A lie I need to tell myself until it becomes the truth.
Marked. Part I: The missing Link Page 14