by Piper Payne
Jesse stood there as June and I instantly grabbed onto one another in a meaningful hug. I heard her sniffle and wipe away some tears. We didn’t need to say anything; I knew everything that wasn’t being said. I’m sorry for everything that has happened. It’s going to be okay. We’re going to get through this.
I pulled away and wiped a tear that ran down her face, just like I did the first time we met. “Just be careful, okay? Call me from the hospital right when you get there in the morning. Don’t leave. And call me right when you get done with your shift.” I held onto her shoulders, looking in her eyes. “Promise?”
“I promise. It’s not me I’m worried about.” Her tone of voice went quiet when she realized we weren’t alone in the room. “Goodnight. Thanks again, Jesse,” she said as she headed into the guest bedroom.
I didn’t like the idea of her going to work, but I also didn’t like the idea of her losing her job. I needed to figure out a plan fast. I also needed to find some place safe to watch the tape. Jesse walked over setting a pillow and blanket on the couch. I felt horrible and embarrassed that we were intruding. I knew he had a girl back in his room and that thought bothered me way more than it should.
“Look, I don’t mind you guys staying here for a couple days, but is there something I should know?”
I sat down on the couch with my hands in my lap, avoiding eye contact. “Probably. But it’s not something I am going to share with you. We’ll only be here a couple nights. We just need a little time to figure some things out.”
Of course right when I got done speaking my stomach decided to growl very loudly, indicating I was starving. I was glad he couldn’t see my eyes because they widened in mortification.
“You guys don’t have a place to stay and then you come here hungry? Someone better tell me what’s going on sooner rather than later.” His voice was clipped as he started stomping into the kitchen. “What sounds good? I don’t have much in the fridge but I can make you a sandwich or heat you up a can of soup or something.”
I rushed into the kitchen after him. “Jesse, no. You’re doing enough. I’m fine, I promise. Please don’t try and feed me, I’m—” My voice stopped working as a leggy blonde wearing a doily for a top and a handkerchief for a skirt walked out of Jesse’s bedroom. Yes, Jesse, please don’t feed me, because if I were to look anything like this girl I would need to eat only air and spit for the next three months.
“Jesse, I think I left my panties in the living room.” She walked around the corner stopping dead in her tracks when she saw me standing there. “Who’s this?” She eyed me up and down, pointing at me like I couldn’t see or hear her.
Before Jesse could speak, I did us all a favor. “I’m nobody. I’ll let you guys get back to whatever you were doing.” I rushed over to the couch to grab the heavy duffle bag. As I picked it up, a little hot pink stringy thing sat there peeking out of the cushion. The universe hated me. I picked it up between my pinched fingers like it was a dead animal. I couldn’t even hide the disgust on my face. “Here, I’m hoping this is yours.” I flung it to her and headed for the door. I thought I heard Jesse yell at me to wait, but it didn’t matter, I was already gone.
I needed to think. I needed to concentrate without Jesse or Mount Saint Titties in my space. I walked fast until I got to June’s car and that was when I realized that I couldn’t go anywhere. I didn’t even know what I was thinking? I couldn’t just leave June at his house by herself. Plus, to top it all off I was carrying a bag with three million dollars in it!
I leaned against the car in defeat. I couldn’t just walk back inside. Jesse was probably thankful I left so he could spread her anorexic legs open on the kitchen table. I walked over to the welcoming porch swing and sat on it sideways, bringing my knees up to my chest, tucking my hands into my coat for warmth. I placed the duffle bag behind my head like a hard lumpy pillow and looked out into the winter night sky. It was the exact same sky Landon and I gazed at as we held each other at the edge of the cliff, but everything viewed through my eyes had warped. It was amazing how your life could completely change in a matter of hours.
I dug my phone out of my purse and saw that I had voicemails and missed calls from Landon and decided to listen to each one. I never thought of myself as a masochist.
Wednesday: 9:22 a.m.
Hey, beautiful, I’m just calling to see how you’re feeling. I didn’t hear you on the radio this morning so I figured you’re still sick. Call me when you get this. Maybe I can drop some soup off for lunch if you’re up for it. I miss you.
Wednesday: 1:06 p.m.
I didn’t hear back from you but wanted to bring you soup anyways. No one answered your door but your Bronco is still here. Um, just call me when you get this. I want to make sure you’re doing okay.
Wednesday: 9:43 p.m.
I feel like a crazy man leaving you all these voicemails. I’m just worried about you. And I miss you. Call me please.
It’s funny how he could disappear for weeks without a single phone call but as of Sunday he’d been constantly calling and texting me. Nothing made sense. He progressively got more and more worried with each voicemail. The sickening part was I couldn’t tell if he was truly worried about me or if he was worried about getting caught. He shouldn’t have any indication that I was onto him and his father. If it wasn’t for me idiotically going to his office the other day, I would still be in the dark and that thought made it hurt so much worse. How long would he have used me? If this was his plan all along, to date me until he found where the tape was hidden, then why carry on any longer. He knew the location and had the key. Shouldn’t he be back in Aspen by now?
Thursday: 10:10 a.m.
Hey, beautiful. You weren’t on the radio again this morning. Max said that you’ve been pretty lethargic and have been back and forth to the doctor’s office. I’ll try stopping by there again today. I’ve tried calling June, but she’s not answering either. I’m worried about you and I want to see you so bad. I want to make you feel better. Call me please.
I wiped away the tears that forced their way to the surface as I listened to the rest. The last message he left a little over an hour ago was when I realized the worst of my fate. No matter how bad he’s hurt me, I knew I could never hurt him in return. Never on purpose. His voice was crippled and shaky asking me if the reason why I wasn’t calling him back was because of him. I had to try and block out my emotions from his words because he’d done nothing but deceive me and pretend. I didn’t know what was real or fake. I thought I felt something between us, but how could I ever trust my feelings when I was so wrong? I couldn’t gather enough courage or strength to talk to him so I sent him a text back.
Larkin: Thank you so much for thinking of me and caring enough to stop by. June brought me home some medicine. The doctor thinks I have some bug that’s been going around that lasts about a week. Give me a few more days and I’ll be as good as new and we can pick up where we left off. All I think about is you.
It scared me how easily the lie flowed into text. I couldn’t face his reply so I put my phone away and rested my head back on the swing. A few minutes later the front door opened. It was Jesse’s pink panty princess. She huffed out the door with a pissed off and offended expression, but as soon as she spotted me her fangs came out and her long legs waltzed toward me.
“Just so you know, Jesse is mine. Don’t think for a second he’d be interested in someone like you.” She eyed me with repulsion. “I’ve worked too hard trying to break that boy of his commitment issues and I’m almost there.” All I could do was stare at her. I had no fight in me. If she only knew I agreed with her, maybe she wouldn’t be so worried. She stomped off and got into her yellow Bug parked across the street and drove off.
I was cold but not cold enough that I wanted to go back inside. First thing tomorrow morning I’d take the bus to the bank and get a safety deposit box to put all the money in until we figured out the rest. I hated trying to think five steps ahead. The more I thought about the tape
and let my mind wander, the faster my heart raced. I was surprised it’d taken until now for me to break down and have a panic attack. This one was slow and beautiful.
I welcomed the pain and panic like I did the other day in the bathroom in Landon’s office. I curled my knees tighter into my body and rode the waves. When my lungs finally started to relax, Jesse stepped outside. He didn’t notice me sitting there as he walked out onto his porch. I wiped my tears quickly and ran my fingers through my hair but stilled my movements as he turned back around and saw me sitting there.
“When did you get back?” His face and voice showed a glimpse of relief.
“Oh, I um … well, I kind of never—”
“Please tell me that you haven’t been sitting out here for the past couple hours.” His hands turned to fists as he shook his head, the scowl on his face endearing; I was happy to piss him off.
“I didn’t want to bother you so I came out here to clear my head. It’s not a big deal.” I didn’t understand it. Why did he care? I was doing him a favor.
He let out a low growl as he walked over to me, picked me up, and threw me over his bare shoulder. “What are you doing?” I squealed.
I didn’t try to fight him because the minute his strong arms wrapped around my legs to hold me in place I knew I wasn’t going anywhere. He dipped down to pick up the duffel bag with his free hand and carried me inside, dumping me on the couch sideways like a rag doll.
“Was that necessary?” I said, rubbing my head that hit the television remote.
“Are you always this frustrating?” he yelled, chucking my belongings on the floor next to me, the duffle bag making a loud thud.
“Yes!” I yelled back. I couldn’t help it. The smart ass in me needed to come out.
My brain and heart may be completely hurting right now, but my body wasn’t. The minute I was over his shoulder I prayed he would take me to his bedroom and fuck me until I had amnesia. I wanted him to help me forget.
I couldn’t help but laugh at my thoughts. I was going crazy. Slutty-fucking-crazy! I knew he’d think I was a serious lunatic but I didn’t care. What started out as a giggle went to full-blown hysterical laughter and it felt so good.
“What’s so funny?” He laughed, trying to keep on his angry face but I could see it starting to melt away. My laughter continued, and for a moment it lightened the boulder I felt upon my chest.
I sat up and looked down at the coffee table in front of me. Sitting there was a sandwich with a cup of hot chocolate. “Thank you,” I said with a sense of genuine gratitude.
“Here, it’s been sitting there for a while, let me heat the hot chocolate up for you.” I lightly smiled at the happy, comforting coincidence. If there was anything I needed at the moment it was hot chocolate.
“Here, Little Bird, drink this. It will help warm us up.” My mother said as she picked me up in her arms and carried me by the fire. I sat on her lap as she helped me sip the mug of hot chocolate which was too big for me to hold in my tiny toddler hands. “Careful it’s hot.” She cupped her hand below my mouth as I tried to drink. She laughed as she pulled the cup away, whipped marshmallow covering the tip my nose. “I love you, my Larkin.” She wiped the cream away with her fingertip. “One day you’ll realize how much.”
“Jesse, you really didn’t need to make me a sam-which.”
“A what?” he laughed. “Did you just call a sandwich a sam-which?”
My face flushed with embarrassment. “It forever and always will be a sam-which,” I said, trying to contain my smile. “And yes, I know how to spell it. I didn’t even realize I said it wrong until high school when June started teasing me about it.”
“It’s cute.” He grinned as he walked back into the living room and handed me my drink. I almost broke down in tears when I saw the whipped topping. “I almost forgot the best part.” He smiled, licking some that had gotten on his finger. He almost sat down beside me on the couch but then took a step back instead. He looked hesitant. “The bathroom is the second door on the left if you need to shower. Help yourself to anything in the kitchen, and if you get cold tonight there are extra blankets in the linen closet by the stairs.” He shut off the kitchen light and went into his room and shut the door. Holy shit, he was intense.
I lay on the couch tossing and turning for hours letting my mind get the best of me. Owning me, letting the small black spot in my brain spread like a disease until the only choice I had was to bleed it out. Before, I was always numb. Now things hurt less when I hurt myself more. My solution had always been the same because it was the only way I knew how to fix things—a dark whisper inside of me with a temporary antidote.
I carried all of my bags into the bathroom and locked the door, stripping off my clothes, letting steam fill the room as the tub began to fill. I dipped myself into the rising hot water, looking around the bathroom smiling at all the things Jesse uses. I washed my hair with his shampoo, my body with his soap. It felt intimate even though it was just a bar of soap.
The faucet exposed my morphed reflection like a circus mirror. I pictured it portraying what I’d look like if beauty was more than skin deep—a distorted ugly face with long dark lashes. The faucet shined sparkly clean along with the razor sitting next it, taunting me like a bully. I knew I’d find one in here. My skin turned baby pink from the burning temperature. The nice thing about owning a home was you could control the water heater; Jesse’s was turned up just enough I could scald my skin to the point of numbing pain but not enough to blister. I came in here for a purpose, a cleansing of sort, not for my body but for my hypothetical soul. I just needed to hold it. Feel the coolness of the metal graze along my skin. I picked up Jesse’s shaver twisting it back and forth between my fingers like I’d twist my hair. Contemplating. Anticipating. I could feel the pulse in my wrist begging me to tame it and slow it down, my feather tattoo its beacon.
When I turned the water off I could hear the soft sound of Jesse playing the guitar in his room, waking me enough that I took my eyes off the blade. I gasped in air, drew it into my lungs like someone had been holding my head underwater. “Oh my God,” I cried softly, dropping the razor into the water. My hands clasped the sides of the tub, clenching so they wouldn’t move, so they wouldn’t pick it back up. I laid my head back so it hit the shower tile. I didn’t trust myself to get out of this tub without cutting. I craved it like a junkie high.
I closed my eyes trying to focus on Jesse, forcing my ears to open and listen to what he had to say. Music wasn’t just notes and harmony; it was a brilliant language that everyone could understand, feel, and breathe. His music was ice cooling the sting. It relaxed me enough to silence the chaos in my mind. I loved the sound of his fingers rubbing on the chords. When I got into the bathtub, every cell in my body wanted to take me somewhere dark and euphoric. But Jesse stirred something inside of me that made me force my hands into pleasure instead of pain. It started with my senses: the smell of lemon, musk, and verbena mixing together until I could smell him all over me. I unclenched my hands from the tub, letting them linger on my body, where I’d been pressed against him.
The warmth of the water on my skin changed from a sting into a caress. I relaxed as I listened to the sound of his guitar and pictured him play. Although it felt inappropriate because of the day’s events, I didn’t want to stop myself from feeling what I felt. Forcing pleasure upon myself instead of inflicting pain. I needed release. I pressed my fingers in between my legs, fighting urges so deep in my marrow that I didn’t care how fucking twisted it was. I brought myself to orgasm barley having to touch myself at all, contracting strong and fierce, all the while trying to stay quieter than his music.
I slept less than two hours last night. I woke up when I heard June get up to go to work. Before she left we planned out the next two days. I was pretty much forcing her to sleep at the hospital for the next two nights. I knew she had a huge final on Friday and the rest of the week she was working twelve-hour shifts. I would never forgive mys
elf if I got her fired or kicked out of the forensic program. It wasn’t easy to get her to agree, but once she did I was relieved. Her being busy meant she was away from the trouble following me. The fact that I couldn’t predict how far Landon’s father would go to get what he was after was what had me on edge.
I called Max late last night to finally let him know what was going on, but right when he answered the phone he cut me off so I couldn’t talk. “Oh, Larkin, I’m sorry you’ve been SO sick. Don’t talk, we need that voice of yours to get better for the radio.” At first I didn’t get it, but as he continued I caught on. “I know you’re phone hasn’t been working very well. I’ll have to take a look at it tomorrow if you’re feeling better. I’ll meet you at that one place we like to go to when ‘Skies Are Gray.’ The usual time works best for me.”
He paused waiting for me to comprehend what he was saying. “You should probably turn your phone off in the meantime. Better to be safe than sorry.” Chills ran down my spine. The thought that my phone was bugged had never crossed my mind. To think Landon would actually do something like that made my stomach retch. I guess I should just keep expecting the worst. It was a good thing I hadn’t used my phone much. I didn’t know how Max knew or suspected any of this, but before we hung up he made me promise to meet him.
I didn’t want to face Jesse this morning so when I heard the shower turn off I left him a hot plate of eggs and toast then grabbed the duffel bag and headed out the door. I would have left much earlier but I was waiting for the snow to stop.
I was pretty familiar with the Salt Lake bus and light rail train system from the years June and I shared the Cadillac. I wasn’t taking any chances this morning as I clutched the heavy duffle bag under my arm, holding my mace in my other hand. Who the hell walked around with three million dollars? I caught a bus then jumped off at the main train line where I only had one more transfer until I was close enough to walk to the bank. I sat down under the train awning cursing the snow that had decided to start falling again from the sky. I put on my beanie and nuzzled into my coat, pulling it up against my chin. I’d just missed the last train so I had another fifteen minutes to wait until the next one showed up.