Breathing Black

by Piper Payne

  “Every moment I’m with you I feel alive, Larkin. You’ve changed my life and I’m never going to let you go.” He rolled on a condom, his body taking mine, and I lost myself completely to a man whose betrayal was as rough as his fuck.

  His kisses were consuming and deep. I grasped onto my restraint as pleasure collided with pain. He bit into my shoulder as he forcefully moved out and then back in again.

  “Say it,” he demanded. I closed my eyes, not wanting to play his game. “Say it, Larkin. Tell me you want me. Tell me you need me as much as I need you. All you have to do is say it!”

  I could feel the strings that bound my mouth slowly coming unraveled. I shouldn’t be begging for this. I should be begging for more. My heart back. My trust back. My life back. But in this moment I could only have one thing, “I always have.” I moaned, arching my back off the bed.

  That was all it took. I clung onto the fabric around my wrists as he took everything I had left to give. I thought walking in here tonight I would be in control over my emotions and myself, but I was wrong. Landon would always have control over me.

  “Look at me, Larkin.” His request made me weak; I wanted him to consume me yet, I knew he’d spit me out more damaged than I’d ever been before. “Look at me …” This time his voice broke, soft and pleading. I opened my eyes and stared into his. It was painful. I could tell he was searching for something, but I knew I couldn’t let him see the truth. I wasn’t sure if I knew the truth anymore.

  I pulled tightly on his necktie, letting it bite into my wrists, trying to inflict pain there instead of my heart, which I knew was already starting to corrode. I savored the way he made my body feel as I rode out the waves of my orgasm and when he cried out a name; it was mine, no one else’s. What a fucking disaster.

  “Beautiful,” he whispered as he brushed my cheek with his thumb then reached up to untie me. He brought my hands down gently, taking the time to softly rub and kiss each one, tracing the outline of my tattoo. Still blind. Still unable to see what was right in front of him.

  He lay down beside me and wrapped me in his arms. “Every day since the moment I saw you I’ve dreamed about having you curled up in my bed beside me…” his hands ran through my long hair “…having you tied to my bed was just an added bonus.”

  I smiled as he nuzzled into my neck. With Landon’s arms wrapped around me I felt safe; ironic because it was him I should be scared of. I knew this was only temporary. The reality of our fate has already been determined. As much as I wanted to stay here forever, he’d cut into me deeper than I ever could. I’d never be certain what was real or fake between us.

  We let silence take over, both of us knowing there was so much to be said but not wanting to ruin the moment. As time passed I felt his heart rate drop into a steady pace and his breath even out until I knew he was asleep. I slid from his arms so slowly I thought it would take me hours before I finally left his embrace. He never even stirred. I left a note for him on the pillow then tiptoed out of his room, never looking back. I knew if did, that one single glance would make me change my mind.

  I didn’t know if it was torture or closure. I still hadn’t decided yet. But as the taxi drove me away from Landon’s place, I hoped it would be the latter. It was 3:00 a.m. and the only place safe and inconspicuous for me to go to was Jesse’s house.

  I didn’t know his address so I gave the taxi driver directions. As we pulled up I smiled at the small gray bungalow with the red door. I quickly wiped the smile off my face, not knowing if it was because of the house or the person inside. Guilt. That would make me a horrible human being.

  I paid the taxi driver and walked up Jesse’s front steps. I didn’t care if it was freezing or that my eyelashes were beginning to frost. I zipped up my coat up, pulled on my beanie, and walked over to the porch swing and lay down. In less than a minute my exhaustion took over and I fell asleep on the swing with my knees curled tightly into my chest.

  I sat up quickly, still half asleep, panicking until my brain could register my surroundings. Where am I? The voice in my head gasped as I clenched the bed sheet to my pounding chest. As soon as the fog cleared, I realized I was in Jesse’s house and in Jesse’s bed. I lifted up the covers, thankfully still in the clothes I wore the night before, minus my shoes and coat.

  I huffed at my predicament, taking in the rest of my surroundings. Jesse’s bedroom was sexy and enigmatic. He had French doors that opened to the outside, and I was sitting in a rugged dark charcoal gray tufted modern bed with white pillows and a down blanket. The daylight shining through the glass made the room warm and inviting. I sighed, falling back on the bed letting the pillows catch my head like a cloud, wondering how he ever got out of bed in the mornings.

  The entire wall behind the headboard was a breathtaking piece of art. In gray scale colors it almost looked like water and clouds but as I twisted my head and examined it closer. I could see a lost, shadowed figure in the distance. It wasn’t scary, just deep and cryptic. I finally dragged myself out of his bed and started to walk toward the door, but skidded to a stop as I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror that was hung on the wall. Ugh, Jesse must have laughed as he scraped me off the swing and carried my pathetic ass in here.

  I tried to comb through my tangled hair with my fingers and rub away the mascara smeared all over on my face. I just shook my head. It was useless. There was nothing I could do right now that could turn me into the blond bombshell that walked out of Jesse’s bedroom the other night so I might as well not even try.

  I opened the door silently, trying to tiptoe down the hallway hoping I could make it to the bathroom undetected. I was almost there, but the moment I stepped to put my hand on the bathroom door handle I cringed as the floorboard moaned and creaked underneath me.

  “I thought I was going to have to go in there and make sure you were still alive.” Jesse walked around the corner smiling, holding a warm cup of hot chocolate. I instantly stopped my eyes from traveling up and down his body as he leaned against the wall in his fitted T-shirt and jeans.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t … I just … how did I …”

  He grinned as I stumbled over my words. “I walked outside at 4:00 a.m. because I couldn’t sleep. And there you were, comatose on the porch swing ten minutes away from getting hypothermia.” He shook his head with a frown. “Why didn’t you just knock?” Usually it was anger along with his frustration, but this time he held back and only voiced concern.

  “I didn’t want to bother you or wake you up.” I tucked my hands into my sleeves and then wrapped my arms around my waist. I was embarrassed. Everything I’d done around Jesse had been embarrassing. “Especially if you had company,” I added.

  I could see him clench his jaw tighter, but instead of arguing with me, which was what I knew he wanted to do, he took a sip of his drink and politely said, “I set out a fresh towel for you in the bathroom. You also might want to check your phone. It’s been ringing in your purse all morning.” He pointed to the barstool where it was hung.

  Jesse vanished, so I quickly grabbed my phone then went into the bathroom to shower. As the water sprayed down on me I could feel the tender parts of my body ache from the night before. I had a hard time agreeing with what I’d done; everything about going over to Landon’s after watching the video seemed right. Yet here I was stuck with the voice in my head telling me all the reasons why it was wrong. The thirty missed calls from him since then didn’t help ease my conscious either. I walked out of the bathroom deciding to pretend last night never happened, a result of the hot water cleansing the dirtiest parts of myself and wishful thinking.

  I was surprised when I walked into the kitchen to see a different leggy blonde perched at the bar, legs crossed, chewing her gum impatiently. Even though I wanted to curl my lip, I smiled politely, just to be rewarded with a constipated scowl.

  “Did you have a nice shower?” She eyed me up and down unimpressed.

  “Sure,” I shrugged, watching as she pull
ed out her makeup compact to check herself out in the mirror. She snapped it closed, synchronized with the pop of her lips after applying more red lipstick. “It looks like you might need to spend some more time in there,” she whispered, leaning forward as if she was telling me a secret.

  My mouth gaped open, too stunned to speak. Jesse walked back into the kitchen saving her from the pile of explicit words that had finally started to gather thoughtfully on my tongue.

  “Hey, I just finished making lunch.” I didn’t notice the place settings on the table, but there was only two and I’d obviously walked into yet another moment between him and his what-ever-you-call-them.

  “Oh, sorry, I was just leaving.” I walked over to my purse and with a winning smile she untangled it from the bar stool and handed it to me, letting it dangle from her finger.

  “Thanks for letting me crash here again. I’ll see you around sometime.” I walked out the front door, bag and coat in hand, fumbling with my phone to call a taxi. I didn’t want to, but I needed to go back to my apartment. I blew a strand of wavy brown hair out of my face as I dialed. What was his thing with blondes?

  “Did you know you’re a pain in the ass?” I turned around to see Jesse standing in the doorway with his arms folded. I held my phone up to my ear and as it started ringing, I turned away from him, waiting for the taxi service to pick up, “Thank you for calling Salt Lake City Cab,” a nasally voice came on the line.

  “Yes, hi, I need a taxi to come pick me up at …” Shit! I still didn’t know his address. “Um … it’s…” I ran down the front steps and started looking around for his house number “…Well, it’s right off 12th avenue and E street. I could meet the taxi on the corner.” Jesse grabbed the phone out of my hand and hung up.

  “What are you doing?” I cried, watching as he tossed my phone back and forth in his hands, amused at my irritated scowl. “You’re having lunch with me, and then afterward I’ll drive you where you need to go.” He smiled, pushing my phone deep into his pocket. My mouth hung open slightly as he arched his brow challenging me to come and get it.

  “I really don’t want to interrupt while you have lunch with one of your girlfriends.” My words were sincere, surprisingly coming out sweet instead of disgusted and jealous. Which, frustratingly, was exactly what they were; I didn’t want to decipher my emotions right now. I was irritated at the situation and I had no reason to be, especially since he had red lipstick smeared on his cheek.

  “First off, I don’t have a girlfriend and secondly when you jumped in the shower I made us lunch and McKenzie just happened to show up and made herself at home.”

  “Oh.”

  He playfully raised a brow, along with his wicked smile. “So will you come back inside and have lunch with me?”

  “Are you going to give me my phone back?”

  “No.”

  “So childish.” I shook my head walking up to him, gently rubbing away the red smear on his gorgeous face. His body stiffened, unsure of what I was doing, until I pulled my fingers away and displayed the red. “I’d love to have lunch with you.” My sour voice went perfect with my bitter smile. I didn’t know which was worse: returning to the unknown of my apartment or having lunch with Jesse while McKenzie was there.

  We walked back inside and she was perched like a flamingo, leaning against the kitchen bar. This one also seems to be confused on the seasons with her mini skirt and low cut top. Jesse didn’t notice as we walked over to the table where he had lunch all set up for us.

  “I hope you like sam-wiches,” he teased as he pulled out my chair, gleaming like a schoolboy showing me his art project. It was cute. And cute was not a word I would use to describe Jesse. Intense and hot as hell, but I hadn’t picked up on his cuteness yet.

  “I love sam-wiches. Thank you,” I said politely, accentuating the word.

  Sitting down at the table the first thing I did was pick up the hot chocolate that had my mouth watering earlier. I took a sip and even though it was scalding hot, it was delicious. “Mmmm … this is so good.” I wet my lips and held the cup up to my face, ignoring my marshmallow-covered nose as I drank it down.

  He laughed. “I’m glad you like it. My mom use to make my sister and me hot chocolate throughout spring, summer, winter, or fall. Didn’t matter if it was a hundred degrees outside. She said that’s what my grandpa did for her. So it just kind of stuck.”

  “So I guess every time I want a good cup of hot chocolate I’m showing up on your doorstep.” I smiled, bringing the cup back up to my lips. He smiled back but then a noise like nails on a chalkboard interrupted my tiny piece of heaven. I’d been waiting for her to chirp in.

  “I did a coffee diet once. You can only drink liquids for two weeks, except I would sneak and have some ketchup every once in a while.” She fluffed her hair and sat back down on the barstool recrossing her legs so we could see she wasn’t wearing any underwear. “It’s a model thing.” She shrugged matter of fact.

  I turned around so my back was to her and tucked my lips into my mouth trying not to laugh. It was so hard. My stomach clenched as I tried to hold it in. I tried to hide my face from Jesse but as soon as our eyes locked, we both started laughing.

  “What’s so funny?” she asked, brows arched in confusion. Even though this girl would probably run me over given the chance, I couldn’t be rude, especially if Jesse liked her.

  “Oh, nothing. Jesse was just telling me yesterday that he was thinking about going on that diet. What are the odds? You’ll have to share your tips with him. It sounds really interesting. Maybe you can even do it together.” I kept a straight face and was proud that my voice sounded so sincere.

  “You were! Oh! I can tell you all about it!”

  As McKenzie went back to rambling about starving herself, I went back to eating my delicious sandwich. I looked up at Jesse, his glaring eyes and tight lips told me payback was a bitch. We kept smiling at each other as she rambled and we ate. He nudged me under the table a few times with his foot, but I just pretended to ignore him and egged McKenzie on, acting interested in her stories.

  It was such a bummer to hear that McKenzie had to leave so she could go and get ready for a night of clubbing. She invited Jesse, but he politely declined.

  He walked her out to her car as she left. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t envious. Jesse wouldn’t even give me the time of day for a date, but this was who he’d rather spend time with? Okay, maybe it wasn’t envy, but my ego was bruised a little. If these were the kind of girls Jesse was into, he would definitely never be interested in me. I ate and wore clothes for starters.

  I cleaned up the kitchen and as the minutes ticked by, I started wondering what was taking him so long. I almost walked over to look out the window to peek but decided against it, knowing if I caught them making out I would want to pour bleach in my eyes.

  Seconds later the door opened and Jesse stood there with the you-are-going-to-get-it look on his face.

  “Listen, you are the one who forced me to eat lunch with you.” I pointed at him, trying not to smile, but he kept that same look on his face, intense eyes and a wide grin, as he stalked closer to me. “She’s your non-girlfriend. You should probably be doing the same diets together. It’s a bonding thing, helps in the relationship!”

  He came after me; it was cat and mouse as I ran around the kitchen laughing, maneuvering myself so the table was between us.

  “You thought that was pretty entertaining didn’t you.” He chased me out of the kitchen, jumping over the couch until he had me cornered. I squealed with both hands in the air.

  “I’m looking out for you! This week it’s diets, next week you can help buy her winter clothes!”

  I shrieked as he wrapped his arms around me, picking me up and throwing me on the couch. He climbed on top of me with his strong body, pinning my arms above my head. We were both panting and laughing, until suddenly everything turned more serious. Letting go of my wrists, he gently interlaced our fingers together. My he
art started racing as his eyes searched mine causing my breath to come out choppy. I didn’t expect this.

  “I’m glad you showed up at my door step the other night.” He looked down at my lips then back into my eyes. His gravelly voice made my insides hum.

  I’d been trying to ignore the way Jesse made me feel since the night at the bar, but was losing the fight. I wanted to run my hands through his golden-brown hair and pull him down to kiss me, reckless and wild, but a million reasons why I shouldn’t started rushing through my mind. Our bodies were charged and electric, lust buzzing through the touch of our hands. I wanted to be careless but knew I couldn’t. He didn’t deserve to get involved with someone like me. I started to panic and as soon as he was about to lean into kiss me my phone started ringing in his pocket saving him from my destruction.

  I pulled my hands out of his and sat up, moving away from him on the couch. “I should probably answer that,” I said, adjusting my clothes.

  His shoulders dropped with a heavy sigh handing me my phone as the screen flashed with the same Colorado phone number I’d dismissed the other day in Landon’s office bathroom.

  “Hello?”

  “Yes, hi is this Wayne at Ace Storage and Security. Am I speaking with Nannette Barker?” His voice came over the line, authoritative with a hint of twang.

  “No. Nannette Barker is the name you had listed for my mother. She’s deceased. I’m the beneficiary. Larkin Smith.”

  “Let see here … Larkin Smith.” His fingers clacked on his keyboard. “Ah, yes. I apologize about that.”

  “That’s okay.”

  “Larkin, I hate to tell you this but last night your storage unit was broken into. They made a real mess of things in there. We don’t know how they breached security, but we’ve contacted the police and they’re going over the surveillance tapes as we speak; we’d like you to come down and see what things are missing.”