Breathing Black

by Piper Payne

  “We’ll just have to be careful.”

  He sighed in resignation “I called Max and Austin this morning to talk to them about it already. I don’t like it, but between the three of us we won’t let you out of our sight. We’ll do everything to keep you safe.”

  “Thanks.” I smiled at him across the table.

  “Sooo …” he said, accenting the O in a higher pitch. “It sounds like your work has a big date planned for you on Thursday?” His fingers drummed on the table.

  “I was hoping I could continue pretending you don’t know about that or my job. For some reason I feel a little crushed my first pick rejected me.” I covered my heart with my hands and closed my eyes dramatically, acting heartbroken.

  “I don’t do dates. Let alone blind dates.” His body stiffened, uncomfortable and automatically defensive.

  “What do you mean you don’t do dates?” I said, exaggerated, making him relax as he rolled his eyes at my mimicking tone.

  “I don’t date. End of story.” I watched him carefully as he folded his arms. End of story meant there was a big juicy story to tell. I wasn’t going to push even though I wanted to know.

  “It’s with a guy named Brett who’s some type of Architect.”

  “I thought he was a personal trainer?”

  “Ah, so you have been listening.” Jesse fidgeted in his chair, embarrassed. It was a small victory to his comment in the bathroom. “Sooo … Jesse, how do you like my radio show?” I leaned in, batting my lashes.

  “You are a little minx, aren’t you?” He smiled, shaking his head.

  “How long have you been a listener?” I teased.

  “Calm down.” He raised his hands. “I may or may not have listened to a few shows streaming online.” He brushed it off like it was no big deal.

  “Before or after your sister tried to set you up for the ‘Love Me Larkin’ contest?” I leaned closer to him with my chin propped in my hand.

  “After.”

  “And?”

  “And what?”

  “And what do you think of the show?” He was getting shy, skin flushed, nervously tapping his feet under the table.

  “I like it.” He ran his hand in his hair, tipping his face down trying to hide his smile. “You guys aren’t the typical annoying radio show. It’s just chill and actually really entertaining. Plus, you guys play good music.”

  “And what about the girl you were too cool to go out with?” I couldn’t look at him as I asked. The rejection still pathetically stung.

  “I listened for less than five minutes and instantly regretted saying no.” I smiled at his honesty.

  After we cleaned up our plates, I grabbed my phone to call June. We’d spent so much time apart our dependency for each other was starting to really show. I kept catching myself thinking about what she was doing, how she felt, if she was sad, if she needed this or that. I feel lost not having her to worry about.

  I missed her.

  “So have you had sex with Austin yet?” I knew that comment would get her going. I held back my amusement as she scoffed into the phone. I had to get us back to a place of regularity—us bickering and telling each other what to do.

  “Oh my God, you did not just say that.” Her voice belted loudly into the receiver like she was trying to cover the mouth piece so no one could hear her.

  “Well, have you or haven’t you? You are staying at his place.” I walked outside and sat down on the porch swing. The sun was shining enough that I didn’t want to grab a coat even though it was still chilly.

  “There’s nothing going on. It just made sense for me to stay with him since he lives walking distance to the hospital. Plus, I didn’t want you to have to sleep on the couch all week at Jesse’s.”

  “Uh huh … I’m sorry, did you forget we’re best friends?” I said sardonically, rocking the porch swing back and forth with my socked feet.

  “Okay, well … whatever, Ms. Love Triangle, I might be crushing on him a little bit.” I heard a door shut, which meant now we could have an honest conversation.

  “Finally you admit it! I’ve been waiting for over a year for you to finally admit that! See, was that so hard?”

  “Yes. Yes it was. Austin is … well you know how he is …” I pictured her looking over her shoulder making sure he didn’t hear. Heaven forbid they told each other how they felt.

  “No, I don’t. Do tell …”

  “I just don’t want to be another notch on his bedpost.” She sighed. “I don’t even know if he would be interested in me. I’m totally different than the many girls he’s brought around us.”

  I loved June because she was so naive when it came to her charm and beauty. She was quirky yet endearing and it had guys crawling at her feet if she’d only let them. Unfortunately June was about as emotionally crippled as I was; she may act and talk a good game but with everything that had happened to her, she never had a serious boyfriend, and the topic of her virginity makes her go catatonic.

  “He’s been different the past few months. I haven’t even heard him talk about a girl. Plus, I’ve seen the way he looks at you and it’s different. He holds you on a pedestal. You deserve to be happy, June. I see how you guys are together. He makes you deliriously happy.” I used to always picture my life through June. She was savable, more stable, and easier to love. She’d get married and have kids, and my life would be fulfilled watching her enjoy her happiness.

  I ended the phone call trying to convince June she needed to open up, which she immediately threw back in my face with the same advice. Maybe we should end up lonely old cat ladies together.

  I walked back into the living room and found Jesse deep in thought as he strummed his guitar. He had music sheets flung around him, gnawing on the pencil in his mouth.

  Static prickled the air, and he looked up at me smiling; I knew he felt it too, like if I were to walk up and touch him, we would spark up like a nebula plasma ball.

  “Sit on that chair right there.” He took the pencil out of his mouth to speak, pointing me toward the comfy chair by the window. I looked at him quizzically but if it meant I got to sit and listen to him play, I would agree to sit on top of broken glass if I had to.

  I walked over and sat down, bringing one knee in front of me, relaxing into the sunlight warming me through the window. Jesse watched me deep in thought. We still hadn’t talked about what I’d told him last night, and to be honest none of it mattered. The only thing I was content in feeling right now was whatever was happening between us, the rest I’d selfishly worry about later. I wanted to pretend that the past and Landon didn’t matter. He hurt me, betrayed me, and he didn’t matter. If I told myself this enough maybe it would come true. When I was with Jesse it started to feel that way.

  Whatever piece of music he was working on started to flow naturally. His creased brows relaxed and he softly sang the lyrics under his breath as he tried to compose, but I couldn’t make out what he was saying. At the edge of his seat with the acoustic guitar propped on his knee. He took my breath away. There was beauty in it all. In his music and in his complete devotion to the creation of something truly amazing. He had on a fitted gray Henley with the sleeves scrunched up and dark denim jeans. I groaned inside for letting myself get caught up in my attraction to him.

  “Sing it to me,” I said, because I couldn’t handle the thoughts racing through my mind any longer.

  “When I sing it to you, it needs to be perfect, and it’s not perfect yet.” A smiled warmed his gorgeous face.

  I’d sat and wondered a million questions about Jesse since I read his questionnaire. Being around him there was a familiar wall he built that might be as tall as my own. His personality had edges and a complexity that I wasn’t used to. Most people I could intuitively figure out, but Jesse was unique.

  “Tell me something true,” I whispered. I wanted to feel closer to him. To know him.

  His eyes remained on the strings of his guitar; he pondered my question as if it was the mo
st important question he’d ever answer. Then his eyes found mine.

  “I’ve never been in love.”

  Sometimes the truth hurt. Having to say it or having to hear it. It hurt Jesse to say those words.

  It was time to leave and I couldn’t come up with an excuse not to go besides that I was terrified. It was a panic attack waiting to happen.

  I sat down on the couch while Jesse grabbed the car keys. I’d already spent ten minutes looking in the bathroom mirror trying to talk myself into going. I shook out my hands trying to calm my nerves. What if they don’t like me? What if I screw up or don’t fit in? What if I say something stupid?

  “Relax. They’re going to love you, angel,” Jesse said, walking into the room reading my thoughts.

  I let out a halfhearted nervous laugh. Sure they are.

  We drove five minutes up the road and pulled into the driveway of a modest little brick house with a Christmas wreath still hanging on the door and smoke coming out of the chimney. As I got out of the car, Jesse walked around to help escort me up the ice-covered driveway. He told me a little bit about his family on the drive over trying to make me feel more comfortable.

  His mom’s name was Karen and she became a single mom after her husband left her back when Jesse and his sister were still in elementary school. Jesse had an estranged relationship with his father. There was a deeper, darker story to what happened, but he didn’t continue with details. All I knew was he was an alcoholic. He described his mom as charismatic and overbearing. He said it was his mom who taught him how to play the guitar and shared her love for music with him. She never dated or remarried, but she took road trips all the time with a group of friends that call themselves “The Happy Hookers” because they get together once a week to crochet and drink wine.

  I think I was more nervous to meet his sister since she was the one who wanted to set us up. Her name was Sydney and she was two years older than Jesse. He described her as a bossy know-it-all but once you were her friend, you were her friend for life and she’d do anything for you. She was going to school to get a master’s degree in psychology, specializing as a mental health therapist for children. She got pregnant and married her high school sweetheart, Ethan, and was now raising their six-year-old son Jake while Ethan served in Afghanistan.

  You could tell Jesse loved his family deeply. The way he talked about them, his voice was completely filled with heartfelt adoration. He recognized what he had and cherished it. I’d always wondered what it would be like to have a family like that. When I was little I spent an entire day cutting pictures out of magazines then glued the photos into my journal creating my own pretend family. My grandparents came from a Sears’ catalog in the gardening section and my dad came from the golf page of a sporting goods advertisement. I remembered choosing him because of his kind smile and his gray eyes that matched mine.

  Each pretend family member in my journal had a story: my younger sister liked to play dolls with me, my aunt was zoo keeper, and my favorite out of everyone was my grandpa because he nick named me Jelly Bean after he’d taken me to the candy store one day and bought me a whole bag of them. I pretended the green ones were his favorite.

  These were the memories I hated because it reminded me of how completely alone I truly was. It also reminded me of a little girl that was so full of hope until the reaper of dreams made me face my reality.

  Before Jesse walked us inside, he paused and said, “One more thing about my nephew, Jake, is that he doesn’t talk. Every time his dad gets deployed, he just stops speaking. This time has been the worst; it’s almost been eight months. He’s a great kid but is just going through a hard time right now.”

  He opened the door and I walked inside after him; our body language was purely friendship and I didn’t want to come across any other way to his family. “Jesse, is that you?” an older woman’s voice echoed from the other room.

  “That would be my mom.” He laughed as she came rushing into the room seconds later with her hands covered in food.

  She gave him a no-hand hug, squeezing him like she hadn’t seen him in years. She was in her early sixties and had a typical short sponge curler mom styled haircut. I could see the resemblance between her and Jesse, and it made me smile that he had her eyes.

  “Sorry ’bout the mess,” she said, holding her hands up like a surgeon, “it always tastes better when I knead the bread into the pudding.” She wiped some on Jesse’s nose, laughing, and then looked on the other side of him where I stood. “OH! You must be Larkin! Come in! Come in, darling!” She squealed, giving me the same no-hand hug but it was extra-long.

  “Well aren’t you just as gorgeous as a sunrise.” She pulled back, holding onto my shoulders with her forearms. “We’re so grateful you’re joining us today. I hope you like homemade chicken noodle soup and rolls.” She smiled a huge smile, really hoping I’d say yes.

  “Chicken noodle is my favorite.” I smiled back; her energy was contagious. The moment I walked into the house the smell of her food made my stomach growl. I was instantly hungry and wasn’t lying about chicken noodle being my favorite because without even tasting it I already knew it would be now.

  “Well, you two come inside, then. I’m almost finished with the desert and as soon as Sydney and Jake show up we can eat.”

  Her house was comfortable and homey with lots of crafts and trinkets as decorations and a fridge that was covered in magnets from all the places she and her kids had traveled. She marked their initials on them so she could remember whose was whose. It felt like a home full of love, warm and inviting. My childhood dreams flashed before my eyes as I admired their family photos that hung all over the walls. Every picture was candid: card games at the kitchen table, trips to the zoo, Christmas, school dances, graduation. My eyes began to water as I cherished a picture of Jesse as a little boy with missing front teeth and ears too big for his head. He was strumming a guitar that was huge in his tiny hands. His mom sat next him not looking at the camera just smiling at Jesse with eyes that shone with a mother’s love. I clenched my stomach as a familiar ache tore through me.

  “Don’t let that picture fool you.” She laughed, pointing to the one with Jesse and the guitar. “Two weeks before that picture was taken, he got into a fist fight at school and got both of his front teeth knocked out.”

  “It was Sydney’s fault.” Jesse laughed from the kitchen, picking up bowls to help set the table.

  “That kid…” she shook her head “…he never backs down when it comes to helping the ones he loves. A boy two years older and at least a foot taller than Jesse made Sydney cry at school, and let’s face it, until Ethan, when wasn’t Sydney crying over a boy at school?” Karen laughed. “So anyway, he walked in the front door with two missing teeth and a detention slip but a huge smile on his face. I asked him why he was smiling and he said it was because with the two dollars he’ll make from the tooth fairy he’d have just enough cash to buy the guitar he’d been saving up for.” She giggled, bumping my shoulder. I couldn’t help but laugh. “I thought to myself, ‘Dear Lord, it’s begun. He is going to be my hellion child I just know it.’”

  I smiled looking over at Jesse; he sat there with his arms folded, leaning against the counter watching his mom and me with a hesitant blank stare.

  “He got the guitar, but he couldn’t play it for two whole weeks.” She let out a hearty chuckle. “I had to figure out some way to teach him he couldn’t just go up and punch bigger kids in the face, even if he’s defending his sister.”

  “Did it work?” I smiled.

  “Nope. Not in the slightest.” She slapped her knee and giggled.

  Sydney and Jake got there shortly after and as soon as Jake gave his grandmother a hug he ran off. “Don’t mind him, Nana, we are lucky if he comes out of hiding tonight.” Sydney waved her hand, fanning the tears, trying not to make it a big deal. “Look at me getting all teary eyed. I’m sorry, Mom.” She grabbed a napkin and started dabbing her face. Sydney was cute and ti
ny. She had short brown hair that was cut into a bob and dressed a little too old for her age.

  “Oh, honey,” Karen said, taking her into a mothering embrace. “I put some books and snacks under the bed just in case that’s where he ends up tonight.”

  Sydney looked over and when she saw me she squealed. “I didn’t know the two of you …”

  “Oh … we … aren’t …” I tried to get out the words but she came over and gave me a huge hug and then pulled me back in between her hands just like her mom did. “I’m so excited to meet you! I’m glad this dumb ass decided to go on the date after all! How was it?” She was so excited I didn’t know how to burst her bubble. Luckily Jesse came to my rescue since I was obviously at a loss.

  “Um, Sydney let’s not …” He walked up and gave her a side hug, shaking her a little, trying to get his point across.

  “What?” She looked at him confused.

  “We’re not …” He looked at me trying to figure out what to say. Some help he was.

  “The date isn’t until Valentine’s Day. I’m actually going with another listener since Jesse declined,” I said awkwardly, twisting my hands together.

  “Jesse!” Sydney slapped him upside the head.

  “Hey now, none of that. We have a guest,” Karen scolded, causing both of her children to pinch and push each other when she turned her back.

  We sat down at the table and began to eat. A large bouquet of white dahlia flowers was moved from the center. His mom picked them up with an adoring smile, I wondered if Jesse got those for her too. The thought made my heart happy.

  “So if you didn’t go on the date, how did the two of you meet?” his sister asked, dipping a roll into her soup. The question was for both of us, but she looked at me, probably because she thought I’d give more details compared to her very private brother.

  “At Charlie’s. His band was playing there one night,” I said, looking at Jesse hoping I answered okay. I didn’t want to say anything about Aaron if that was something he didn’t already share with his family.