by Piper Payne
“I know!” I screamed, letting my nerves get the best of me.
“Well that’s not the only problem we have, Larkin. It’s a blizzard outside. Austin says the mouth of the canyon is closed off; they’re not letting anyone drive up or down. We’re stuck here! He hasn’t even picked me up yet from work because the roads are so bad.”
“June,” I whispered.
“I know,” she cried. “Everything is going to be fine. I promise. I’ll be fine. You’re going to be fine. You’re safe tonight. Have Brett stay with you in the cabin and hunker down. No one is going to be killing anyone in this kind of a storm.” I laughed, trying to see her reasoning. “Austin and I will take care of Max. We’ll find out the truth and I’ll call you.”
“You can’t he has my phone wired again, GPS and everything. He said if I told anyone or ran, he’d kill you. He’s been following you this whole time! Please be careful. Go to the bank and take some money out of the safety deposit box, get out of Salt Lake while you can.”
“No! We’re not going to just abandon you! No way!”
“Larkin?” I could hear Lisa Connor’s annoying voice echoing down the hall looking for me.
“Shit. I have to go. If you’re too stubborn to save your own life I’ll meet you at the airport in the morning. Our flight leaves at 9:00 a.m. We’ll just have to figure out the rest from there. Please be careful. Don’t trust anyone. Stay somewhere safe tonight. I love you so much my heart hurts. You’ve been the only thing in my life that has been worth living for. You’re my best friend and my sister. I love you.”
“There you are!” Lisa opened the door pushing me with it. “I have your dress ready for you to put on.”
I stood there watching the storm behind a glass wall in the large, opulent dining hall. The sun was setting but the only way you’d know was from the time: 5:50 p.m. Darkness engulfed us. The view below me was supposed to be mountains and trees and the Park City lights, but the only thing I could see was the claustrophobic, thick, white blizzard blanketing and choking every inch of life. There was no sky, no ground, no forward, no backward. It was endless and symbolic to my suffering. I knew if I showed up at noon tomorrow, Franklin wouldn’t just let me walk away. I lied about not watching the tape to buy me time and comfort his paranoia, but when he found out for certain that I’d seen it, because he would find out, he’d kill me. So what other choice did I have than to fight back?
I wrapped my arms around my body, staring at the reflection that beamed back at me through the glass. If it weren’t for the sunken eyes, gash on her lip, small welt of a handprint on her face, claw marks on her chest, and emptiness in her eyes, I’d say the woman before me looked beautiful. But I was a horrible judge of anything lately.
My dress hung loosely on me even though I’d been fitted for it just a week ago. It was a cream feather-light silk Reem Acra gown. The twinkling crystals and pearl beads were gorgeously stitched into the sheer mesh yoke and shoulders. I smoothed my hands over the waves of my long brown curls, closing my eyes as I listened to the soft music playing. It was Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata.” If any song could match the grim way I felt, this was it. I wiped a tear from my eye that’d forced its way out. Lisa escorted me to this very spot to wait for Brett and she bid me farewell. Even though I couldn’t see her, I could still feel her eyes on me. I would not be a coward when it was time for retribution. No tears would fall. My plan, now more than ever, had to work. This was my last night before everything changed.
I watched as lovers gathered in the dining hall, romancing in rich elegance. The echo of seductive laughter and temptation filled the air as they shared passionate kisses and whispered into each other’s ears of things to come. Champagne glasses clinked together in celebration of the one word I’d regrettably come to know … LOVE.
Because of that word I’d undeniably damned myself. I learned you could not love without sacrifice, and tonight I’d be given one last moment before my sacrifices altered my life forever. I wanted to live in the moment and now here I was with few moments to spare. The fear of this weekend’s unknown made me cherish my dwindling time. Tonight, I’d just have to make some of those moments happen on my own. I started by savoring my glass of water. Crisp, clean, and clear. I chose to drink it; the glass brought to my lips and the water poured down my throat by my choice. I savored the small control I still had.
Next, I appreciated the snow. It was beautiful. It danced in the blackness, and even though its temperament was cruel, it would bring water to the valley when it melted which meant healthy crops and water to drink. The snow. I pictured June and I catching snowflakes on our tongues as we ditched class, lying on the hood of the Cadillac. I told June once we ran away we were going to get a home with a yard so in the winter we could build a giant snowman. Funny how insignificant building a snowman was compared to the grand scheme of things, but I always wanted to do it and now I’d probably never get to. When I was little I remembered being bright eyed as I watched a holiday movie where a father and his children went outside after the first big snowfall to build a giant snowman; their smiles, playfulness, and laughter made me yearn so badly for a snow storm. I remembered the way they looked at each other with eyes almost shaped like hearts. It was a love and happiness I’d never felt or known. So that summer I found two black rocks, saving them for months in my sock drawer, planning on doing that very thing, and the minute the first snowflake fell out of the sky in Montana that year I put on my rubber snow boots, grabbed my mason jar of hidden coins, and ran down to the grocery store to buy a bag of carrots. I just knew if my mom built a snowman with me she would smile. If she just gave me a chance we could be like that family in the movie. When I got back home my mom had a needle hanging out of her arm as she sat limp on the toilet. I watched as drool pooled into the corner of her scabby lips. I kissed them. I wondered what it was like. Princesses kiss frogs and make them change, I wondered if I could too. That day I stopped believing in fairytales, in fact I stopped believing in what I saw on the television all together. It was like little by little my childhood was taken from me. She robbed me of my dreams and stole any chance of laughter.
I stood there closing my eyes, absent in thought because my thoughts had become too painful. The only thing that I could repeat in my mind was, if I survive this, I promise to live. Like a mantra, I chanted. It calmed and brought a new clarity to my sense of survival. If I survive this, I promise to live. I would no longer be a victim of my circumstances. I would build my fucking snowman.
The smell of lemon, musk, and verbena opened my eyes. I stared out into the white abyss, my pulse beginning to race. I didn’t dare move. I didn’t dare take another breath. Every muscle stiffened like ice until I saw specks of gold, green, and hazel in the glass. I gasped quietly to myself, taking another drag of his smell into my lungs. I watched and listened to his body getting closer to mine, the depths of his eyes becoming stronger in the reflection. A flood of emotions roared through me, turning my body to face him—not by conscious choice, but instinct.
Jesse stood before me: strong, masculine, and achingly beautiful in a charcoal gray suit and black skinny tie. It was his sorrowful face that held me captivated; the fear radiating off of him because he was too scared to step any closer to me.
“Jesse?” It came out breathless and painful.
“Hi, angel.” He smiled softly, cautiously, with closed lips that didn’t reach his eyes.
The moment I saw him all I wanted to do was run into his arms, but it wouldn’t have been enough. My need and hurt mixed like a wildfire that wanted to burn him to ashes.
“Please hear me out.” His eyes looked panicked as my feet left the floor, finally finding the will to run. The moment I made my first step it was actually toward him. Toward his lips that I’d never kissed. Toward his soul that was so cryptic and beautiful that I dreamed about it. Toward everything that made me fall off the cliff that he had me perched on. But my flight instincts kicked in, and if I had wings I would have
flown into the storm just to evade the one brewing inside me.
My heels clicked on the floor as I ran through the dimly lit dining area. Candles flickered as the breeze of my body flew past them. Holding onto my dress so I wouldn’t trip, I rushed down the grand staircase only to find myself racing down a darkened hallway of business suites, pressing on any door handle that would open and let me inside. As I clung onto the last set of locked double door, I grabbed the broached jeweled bobby pin that held back some of my curls and jammed it inside the lock until it popped open. I heard feet racing toward me as I rushed inside.
I walked over to the window at the end of the room and drew open the curtains. All I could handle was to stare into the nothingness. The door shut as he followed me inside. We stood alone in a luxurious entertaining room. There was a grand bar with bottles of liquor and rows of glass—uncased imported cigars that framed the corner wall of the cigar lounge. Everything in here was meant for power and pleasure from the soft texture of the velvet curtains, the dark calamander wood flooring, the deep rich tones and iridescent mood lighting, and the expensive masculinity of the leather tufted couches. The room was ablaze with sensuality, and I cursed myself for not opening another door. I was cornered and no longer able to escape him.
He slowly moved closer to me, hands up cautiously. “I know I don’t deserve you. I know that I don’t even deserve to be standing here with you. But please, please, hear me out.”
I turned around to face him. “Did you fuck them?” He flinched at the harshness of my words, face grimacing, eyes squinting, too ashamed to look at me as I stood there waiting for someone to finally tell me the truth.
I had my answer.
He reached out for me, about to speak, about to take a step near me, but I stopped him. With one arm wrapped around my waist, my other hand raised, I spoke with a deep threatening breath, “Don’t come near me.” My lips quivered and eyes filled with tears that I wouldn’t let spill.
“I didn’t! I mean I did, but I stopped it. I couldn’t do it.”
“You stopped? When?” My voice raised in anger. “Was it before or after you your dick was deep inside her? Before or after you came? Before or after you fucked her friend?”
“Stop it! I deserve for you to be upset. I deserve for you to hate me, but you’re tearing my heart out right now, Larkin, please, I need you. I need to make this okay.”
“Before or after?” I sobbed, sliding to the ground, sitting in a pool of fabric.
Minutes ticked by before he spoke, his words so painful I could almost feel the texture of his anguish. “I watched my father break my mom’s heart to pieces. He shattered her until she was a ghost. The woman you met is still only half of her true self. He took her light and her love and destroyed her with it. He left us with nothing. Abandoned his family and disappeared. I was just a child but became the man of the house and somewhere along the way I promised myself I would never love like that. I would never allow myself to fall in love because I never wanted to experience that kind of pain. The pain that my mom is still recovering from because she still loves him. The kind of pain that consumes you and shreds you to your bones until there is nothing left but heartache.” Jesse stood above me, pleading for me to listen as he looked down shamefully at his hands.
“I don’t ever expect you to forgive me. That Sunday night I panicked. I knew what I was feeling for you and I panicked.” He knelt before me on the ground, searching my face to see if I registered his words. “I’ve never felt like this before and everything I promised myself, everything that I’ve ingrained into myself was all being questioned. All I wanted to do was take some time to think. But I’m a fucking asshole. I found myself driving the familiar drive to the familiar bar with the familiar girls, which is the fucked-up story of my life. I sat there realizing I was drinking away my problems just like my father and I lost it. The way I left you standing there in the driveway, your face looking back at me just like my mother’s did when my father drove away. I lost it and I couldn’t be in my own mind anymore. There’s …” His voice broke as he continued, the words painfully leaving his lips. “There’s no excuse for what I did. And I’ve regretted every single second from the moment I stood up from my mom’s kitchen table. I brought them back to my place to hurt you. In my fucked-up head I thought it would be better if you left me now instead of leaving me later when you realized I wasn’t worth loving, that I’d just hurt you. I hate myself for what I did. You deserve better than me. Your worried face when I walked in the door…” he inched closer toward me, not caring that I shook my head for him to stay away “…and the pain on your face when I walked away from you with her. I saw and felt it all. I was so callous. When I fell back onto my bed against the pillows, all that surrounded me was you. Your smell. She tried to climb on top of me and I was disgusted with myself. I’d pictured a moment like that with you in my head a million times, having you in my bed, in my arms. I’ve pictured it since the first moment I met you, even before that, since the first time I listened to your laugh and fell for you on the radio.” He grabbed my hand. “I’m so sorry, Larkin. Please …”
My hands trembled as I allowed him to lace our fingers together. I looked up at him and finally allowed tears to stream down my face. He reached out and brushed one away.
“Say something,” he pleaded.
There were no words to describe to him how I felt. I hated him. I think I loved him. I was angry, hurt, and betrayed. But none of it mattered because I was leaving tomorrow, so why couldn’t I have today? Why couldn’t I pretend that everything was going to be okay? It was my turn to lie and be selfish. So instead of words, I kissed him. I wildly and frantically kissed him. I rose up on my knees, felt that heart-stopping electric current, and grabbed him and kissed him.
My hands wrapped around him, one around the back of his head, fingers tangled through his hair and the other around his shoulders bringing him closer to me. Greed surged through us the second our lips touched. He grabbed me the exact same way, lifting me up, kissing me deep and animalistic. Hunger raged through me because it wasn’t enough, the taste of him and the flick of his tongue had me desperate and weak. We gasped and moaned into each other’s mouths, the cut on my lip stinging in pleasurable pain. This wasn’t just a kiss. It was more … it was lips and body and hurt and love and passion all trying to be said at once. It was a beautiful heart wrenching moment, one of forgiveness and desperation to find the acceptance in it all. Tonight I will let it all go because I might not have any more tomorrows to come.
Our kiss consumed us. Time froze. I never wanted to leave his lips.
A bartender entered the room, startling us both. He walked in flicking on the remaining lights, carrying a case of liquor to the bar, then went out of the room and propped the door open so he could bring more in. We were practically on the floor making out right in front of him, but he never saw us and we made sure he never did as we raced out the door holding hands, laughing down the hallway.
Once we made our way into the lobby, we heard, “There you are!” Lisa came trotting down the staircase toward us. She eyed Jesse’s hand clasped in mine and my tear-streaked eyes and puffy, ravaged lips. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Even though it’s still a blizzard outside the wind has died down enough that they’re going to open up the gondola for the next half hour to get all the guests back up to their cabins. I’ve already arranged for your dinner to be sent up there since there was no sight of you eating in the restaurant…” she cleared her throat to continue “…and I also got you food for breakfast just in case the weather hasn’t cleared out by then. That’s if Brett is planning on staying the night?”
“Brett?” When she said his name my eyes widened in panic. I’d completely forgot about Brett. I stood him up! The thought of him shivering outside in the snow came to mind. I had to go find him! I was going to be fired for sure.
“Yes.” Jesse tugged on my hand, pointing to himself, trying to be subtle. “I would love to stay the nigh
t. Just to enjoy more of your company, Larkin, if that’s okay with you.”
“Okay. I’ll let you guys get back to your date. Call the front desk if you need anything.” She bid us farewell, watching us walk to the gondola.
“Care to explain?” I asked, pulling him as fast as I could away from Lisa.
“Let’s just say Brett is a dick and a couple hundred dollars richer tonight.” He had a cat-ate-the-canary look.
“What!” I laughed.
“You’d think the guy would’ve been sympathetic since he was nursing his own broken heart, but no, I had to bribe the asshole to get him to switch places with me tonight.”
I covered my mouth and laughed loudly.
“Worth every penny,” he whispered, leaning down to kiss me sweetly on the lips. I closed my eyes sighing softly; he almost made me forget everything that happened earlier.
We rode the gondola in silence. Maybe I was more like Nancy than I thought because Jesse was like a drug. I suddenly didn’t care what the consequences were as long as he ran through my veins, poisonous and fast. I’d skip all the pretentious what’s your favorite color and are you a cat or dog person bullshit. I wanted him now before it was too late. I couldn’t stay mad or question what was happening. There was not enough time for that. All I knew is if I pushed him away instead of kissed him earlier, I’d be devastated riding back to my cabin alone.
When the gondola came to a stop and we were the last ones still inside, Jesse held out his hand. “You coming, angel?” His smile melted into mine as he stood in the doorway. I took his hand, but the minute my skin touched the outside world it was frozen and wet from the snow beginning to blizzard around us. I was certain there was no way I’d be able to get inside the cabin without destroying the designer dress and shoes I wore, which left me quickly trying to figure out how many months of paychecks I’d have to fork over to pay for everything I ruined.