Breathing Black

by Piper Payne

  I let go of his hand and stepped back inside. “Turn around and don’t look, okay?”

  He smiled at me funny with one eyebrow raised. “What?”

  “Just turn around and don’t look.” I bit my lip sheepishly. He just shook his head and complied.

  I stood there for a second, trying to figure out how many steps it would take me to reach the cabin door if I ran as fast as I could. And then I couldn’t stop laughing.

  “What are you doing back there?” He chuckled.

  When I walked around to face Jesse his eyes went huge and his jaw dropped, mouth completely open.

  “I need you to tuck these into your coat tightly. Don’t let a drop of snow get on them.” I smirked then took off running. I was completely naked except for a nude thong and strapless bra. I thought I heard a growl come from Jesse’s mouth, but I couldn’t be sure because I was now running in the middle of a snowstorm with the key to the cabin clutched in my hand.

  The wind had picked up again; it felt like needles pricking me as the wind pelted the snow onto my naked skin. All I could do was scream and laugh and run and try not to fall because I don’t think my body would be able to lift itself back up because I was starting to lose feeling in my hands and feet.

  “You’re crazy!” Jesse yelled, running after me.

  “Duh!” I screamed over the gusts of snow. Smiling when I looked back to see Jesse holding onto my dress and shoes for dear life.

  “You’re … you’re …”

  I opened up the cabin door with shaky, numb hands, and before I could take another step, Jesse threw my dress and shoes inside, scooped me in his arms and kicked the door shut with his foot.

  “… you’re recklessly amazing and so goddamn beautiful,” he said as he ran me over to the fireplace, which was already prepped with logs.

  He set me down on the floor then went around the room grabbing all the blankets and pillows he could find, rushing back over to bundle them around me. As my fingers and toes started to warm, it was painful. I was frozen-to-the-core, chest quaking and teeth chattering; the blankets did nothing to warm me. Jesse was lighting the fire, but it was taking too long and I was freezing.

  “I-I- na-na-need-yo-yo-you.” I shivered, struggling to get the words out.

  “Oh God, Larkin, you’re blue.” He laughed, blowing oxygen into the fire that suddenly came to life.

  He came back over beside me, wrapping me in his arms, rubbing my bare shoulders, a pointless attempt to get warm. I shook my head and started to undo his tie with frantic frozen fingers. He looked at me with understanding, pausing my trembling hands, and started to undress himself. If I thought my frozen limbs were torture, I was wrong. Watching Jesse take off his clothes right in front of me was a new kind of pins and needles, warming and pricking all over my skin.

  It took him seconds to unbutton and take off his shirt, but in my mind everything was perfectly slow. The minute the last button was undone, I ran my hands up his chest; my breath hitched as his warmth spread through my icy fingers. It began to thaw from the fingertips to the knuckles to my palms. Heat scorched through them. I needed more. Breath ragged and heart pounding, I looked up and saw hooded eyes staring into mine. I took his white dress shirt and put it on, grabbing the collar so I could deeply inhale his scent.

  I unhooked the clasps to my cold, wet strapless bra, pulled it off, and flung it across the room. Jesse’s shirt hung over me, still unbuttoned, open down the center, barely covering my breasts. Jesse’s gaze melted down my body sending a wave of heat to rush between my legs.

  I hadn’t noticed but I was still shivering. Jesse finished undressing, except for a black pair of boxer briefs and slid in beside me, unembarrassed that he was pressing up against my stomach. He laid me into the nook of his body on the floor; we tangled with one another, surrounded by the fire and tornado of blankets and pillows.

  The heat between us was a slow burn. The minute I was next to him, the ice inside me started to melt, sated and warm. I was aware of every inch of our bodies touching. My face nestled softly into his neck, arms wrapped around him touching and feeling the hardened muscles underneath. Lying there not saying a word, it almost felt perfect, almost perfect until I started listening to my brain.

  Hadn’t I already been in this situation? Hurt, pain, and temporary forgiveness. His explanation made it better, his hurt made it almost forgivable, but was I honestly that desperate? And the heartbreaking tragedy of my own twisted demise: there was still Landon.

  “What is running through that mind of yours, angel?” I smiled at the endearing nickname as I traced my fingers along his skin.

  “Everything,” I whispered.

  “I know we need to talk. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

  I sat there for a couple minutes longer. I couldn’t let this moment die yet. I wanted to pretend time didn’t matter and I could spend forever just like this, comfortably anxious wrapped in his arms.

  “I’m leaving tomorrow for Aspen,” I said, feeling his body stiffen beneath me. He knew we were planning to go, but he had no idea exactly what we intended to do once we got there. “There have been some complications since I last saw you and I’m afraid with everything that this weekend brings I can’t promise you I’ll be coming back.”

  “I’ll go with you.”

  “No …” I went to sit up but he held me tightly, not wanting me to run off.

  “Jesse, no. There’s no way I’m letting you get yourself involved in this anymore. It’s already complicated enough with me having to protect June, Max, and Austin. I can’t have someone else I love possibly get hurt too!” I pleaded.

  “Say it again,” he said breathlessly.

  “What?” I asked, sitting up on my elbow to look at him.

  “What you just said.” His cheeks rose into a humble smile.

  I tilted my head. “That I’m not letting you get involved in this?”

  “Not that part.”

  “That I won’t let someone else I … love … get hurt …” I said the last few words slowly as I registered the truth I unintentionally let slip out of my mouth.

  Jesse laid me onto my back leaning across me. There was reverence in his eyes as the flames from the fire danced over his face. “All my life I’ve been scared of falling. I thought being alone would keep me happy, free from getting hurt and becoming like my parents.” He grabbed my hand and placed it on his heart. “But what hurts even more is not having you in my life. Being without you hurt so fucking bad. I don’t deserve you, but I’m a selfish bastard and I don’t ever want to let you go. I want you, all of you. I don’t want perfect, because I want it all. The good and the bad. I want to make you happy. I want to make up for all of the moments in your life you’ve had reason to press a blade to your wrist. I want to spend the rest of my moments with you, Larkin. It will be a new chapter in a book that’s written by us.”

  Tears welled in my eyes; he read the words I’d left him. “You’ve changed my life, Larkin. We’ll figure it out, I promise.” He rested his forehead to mine, lingering in the moment of so many words still left unsaid. “That’s my truth.”

  I squealed as he lifted me up off the floor walking me into the kitchen. Instead of setting me down in a chair, he set me on top of the log table and settled nicely in between my legs so he could sit and kiss me a little longer. My stomach growled once more.

  “Right. The food,” he said, talking to my stomach, making his way into the kitchen. We’d been kissing for an obscene amount of time on the floor, but my growling stomach was “interrupting the passion” as Jesse so humorously put it.

  While he got the food ready I walked around the entire cabin with his cell phone trying to find service so I could call June. It was no use. I peered out the window. The storm had taken on a life of its own, eerie and desolate. I watched as the large pines swayed in the storm’s mercy. The wind echoed against the cabin with an unnerving howling sound. Strangely, it was the first time I’d felt safe in weeks. I was stuc
k here alone with Jesse, and there wasn’t a person in the world that could brave this storm to get to us tonight.

  “There’s no service, and the storm is getting worse.” I walked down the stairs to see a bunch of food containers spread out all over the counter along with a chilled bottle of champagne.

  I hopped back up on the table where he’d left me, smiling as he walked over, and pulled me close, nuzzling into my neck. I alarmingly flinched in pain, gasping loudly in embarrassing shock. He looked at me in confusion as I pushed away from him, hopping off the table, buttoning up his shirt quickly. My neck was painful to the touch from the injection needle; it was a cause and effect reaction, which made me start to hyperventilate as I imagined Franklin’s hot breath on my skin and his lips pressed against my neck. I shook my head, not wanting to relive it.

  “Sorry,” I said, trying to shake it off.

  “Larkin, what’s wrong? Talk to me.” He walked toward me, pulling me back in his arms. I went willingly, trying to compose myself. This may be my last night with him. I wanted to protect him from the words he wanted me to say.

  “Please don’t make me tell you.” I was exhausted, but knew Jesse wouldn’t let it go.

  “Larkin.” His voice was soft and begging. It melted me.

  “I saw Franklin,” I said, shaking my head into his chest in defeat.

  “What?” He stiffened, gripping my shoulders, pulling me back to look at me. “What do you mean?”

  “I got here and …” I pulled away from him so we were no longer touching, letting footsteps create the distance I wish my words could have.

  “Tell me. Tell me what happened.” There was fear in his eyes and I was only making it worse by not answering him.

  I finally spoke, and once I started, I couldn’t stop. I was withdrawn when I told him about Franklin touching me, spitting on me, pressing up against me so my hands touched his erection. His last threat towards June’s life felt like acid leaving my lips. I had no idea how truly possessed he was about finding the tape until I witnessed it with my own eyes.

  “I’m lucky he found me here instead of my apartment or there’s no way he would’ve just let me walk away.” I ran my hands over my face imagining the horrible things that could’ve happened.

  “Your apartment? What do you mean your apartment, Larkin?”

  This time he was angry. The haul-me-over-his-shoulder kind of angry. I knew it was only going to get worse before it got … oh who was I kidding? I didn’t have any better news.

  “Okay, how about we sit down on the couch and I’m just going to get it all out.” He walked over with me and sat down. I was too nervous to sit so I got back up and paced in front of the fireplace.

  “Ever since I left your house I’ve been sorta staying at my apartment.”

  His hands covered his face is shock. “Why? Why would you do that? I thought … I thought for sure you would’ve went and stayed with Max or Austin. I thought you’d be safe. Why?!” he yelled, tears filling his eyes as remorse washed over his face.

  “Because!” I shouted. “I wanted to be alone. I wanted to stop hiding. I wanted to wallow in my self-pity and sadness by myself for once without June worrying if I was going to cut myself, or Max saying I need to call my therapist. I just wanted to not be okay by myself for once!”

  Jesse grabbed my hand, dragging me back to the couch beside him. “Has anyone ever told you how frustrating you are?” My laugh came out in a sob. “If anything would’ve happened to you because of me …” He struggled to even get the words out.

  “What’s done is done. It wasn’t just because of what happened between us that night. It was the accumulation of everything that’s happened, past and present. I feel like I’ve lost control of my life, and what’s worse is I’m starting to realize maybe I never had any control in the first place. I never told my friends what happened between us. They still think I’ve stayed with you the entire time. I hated lying to them, but they are too close to home. Franklin would have known if I stayed with any of them. They were already in enough danger. I wasn’t about to bring it to their doorstep.”

  “I’m so sorry,” he repeated, again and again.

  “I know.” I didn’t want to talk anymore. All I wanted to do was kiss him and pretend none of it mattered.

  Somehow I ended up back in Jesse’s arms in the pile of blankets and pillows on the floor. There was now a grave and hardened demeanor that Jesse tried to bury away as he comforted me. I could tell it took everything in his power to not to leave right then and there to find Franklin.

  I realized something, something deep and dark as I sunk further into the abyss of my own personal blame. The darkness inside of me was now spreading into him like a virus, surrounding his light and snuffing it out like a cold wet cough. I was hurting him. I was putting him in situations he should never have been involved in. He might have thought he wanted to be a part of my darkness, but he was wrong. He should run while he can. I thought back to what I wrote in my journal about him understanding my pain and I realized now how selfish that was. I didn’t want him to suffer through my trials. I didn’t want him to take my pain as his own to understand how I felt. I wanted him to be free of that kind of heartache. He deserved more than that. He deserved more than me.

  After tonight I’d set him free.

  “I’m glad they brought us up enough food.” He laughed as we sat crossed-legged on the floor with an entire raspberry chocolate layered cake sitting between us. We decided that we should talk, argue, and eat at the same time since we were both hungry. We didn’t get anywhere with the arguing, but we’d definitely made a dent when it came to all of the food they brought us.

  Jesse was convinced he was going to Aspen. He internalized everything that’d happened to me since I left his house and blamed himself. I could see his guilt. How did I know? Because I drank guilt for breakfast. I knew exactly what it looked, smelled, and tasted like. Except mine was more like a guilt smoothie mixed with depression, shame, and regret.

  I was grateful he wasn’t trying to talk me out of going to Aspen. He understood why I had to go. He didn’t like it, but he didn’t try to stop it. If he knew the details of what I had planned, he most definitely would. I’d spent the last week going over every single detail. I tried to think of every flaw to my plan, every worst case scenario that could go wrong, and it scared me a little that I felt prepared because wasn’t that when the biggest mistakes were made?

  At last we settled on agreeing to disagree, at least until morning, which meant I had until then to figure out how to get on the airplane without him; he must have felt like he had until then to figure out a way to convince me to let him go. We also decided that the rest of the night we weren’t going to talk about any of it. No Aspen, no tape, no Franklin, nothing. I was relieved. There was nothing else we could do about it right now anyway. We were stuck in a blizzard with no cell service and nowhere to go.

  “So what else do people do on their first date?” He dipped his finger into the chocolate cake then quickly smeared frosting across my nose.

  “Hey!” I said, laughing. “A first date huh?” Smiling, I licked my sticky fingers slowly and seductively. “Is this a date?” I raised my brow looking at him.

  “I hope it’s a date,” he said, still staring at my mouth.

  “Well, just so you know I’m not a hearts and red roses type of girl.”

  “Oh yeah, what kind of a girl are you?” He leaned closer to me, hovering over the tower of cake grinning.

  “I’m a guitar serenade, origami bird, dahlia loving, sam-wich eating, wrestling on the couch kind of girl.”

  “You forgot to add unpredictable, stubborn, and frustrating.”

  “And that too.” I smiled as his lips moved closer. I lifted the cake up slowly between us, his eyes never leaving the focus of mine, until I gave him the most devilish seductive grin, and then smashed the entire thing in his face. “That’s for being an asshole man-whore!”

  He sat there with r
aspberries and chocolate cake crumbling off his face while I laughed. A slow smile shined through as he wiped his eyes and mouth. “Angel, you have no clue what you just started.”

  And then he pounced on me. I squealed and scrambled to get away as he pinned me down kissing my face, smearing chocolate all over. I couldn’t move because I was laughing so hard. He nuzzled his face into my neck, the side that wasn’t hurt, then licked his way from my collarbone to behind my ear. “Mmmm … you taste so damn good.”

  “Not just good, but damn good huh?” I panted.

  “You have no idea.” It was now just ravenous chocolate kissing, smashing, and licking as he lay on top of me. His shirt I was wearing had lifted up as he dipped and trailed chocolate across my lower stomach licking and tasting my skin until he had it clean.

  “Jesse, we need to stop.” I gasped. “I want to but …”

  He crawled up my body lying down beside me. I knew my words were contradicting my body language since my legs were wrapped around him, and I may or may not have been panting. After taking a calming breath, he kissed me sweetly.

  “I want to do this right. I’m not going anywhere. I want to make sure you know how special and meaningful this is to me. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you.” His voice gripped my core, knowing I’d never know what it felt like to belong to him.

  “But even though we’re taking it slow,” he said, “just know I’m going to be in agony … pure fucking agony because … I can’t wait to make you scream.” Then he grabbed another handful of cake and smashed it in my face.

  “Jesse!” I screamed while trying to scramble after him.

  “Ah, there it is!” He laughed. “And just think of what that beautiful voice will sound like when I’m inside you.” He picked me up hauling me over his shoulder. We were covered in cake and I couldn’t help myself from still smearing and licking it off his back as he carried me up the stairs.

  Everything changed the moment he set me down inside the master bathroom and he took in his surroundings. The rope that bound my limbs lying snakelike on the floor next to the chair still positioned in the center of the room.