Breathing Black

by Piper Payne

  “Just don’t,” I whispered, placing my hand on his shoulder, his muscles tense and anxious.

  I grabbed his hand guiding him over to the tub, keeping our eyes locked. I only wanted him to think of me here and now because that was all we had. I grabbed a towel and wiped my face clean then walked over to Jesse’s trembling body. He stood there allowing me to comfort and clean him. I kissed him softly on his chest as I wiped the cake off of his stomach and his face, trailing kisses around his tattoos. Once I could feel his heart calm under my lips, I turned and started filling the bathtub. The bubbles I poured in started to appear and I stepped inside.

  I turned around and watched Jesse. The bubbles rose to my knees as I slowly unbuttoned his shirt I was wearing. His speckled eyes flickered as he looked over my body, staring in between my legs, unashamed and unapologetic. I hooked my thumbs into my underwear sliding them down until they vanished into bubbles.

  “I just want to be close to you. We can take things slow but I need you as close to me as possible right now,” I said.

  He finished undressing and stood naked in front of me. I wished I could freeze time so I could just sit there and stare. To drool and orgasm just from the sight. I totally could. In fact my body was wound so tight right now if there was a gust of wind I might actually come.

  He stalked over to me, stepping inside the tub wrapping his arms around me, turning me so my back was against his chest, and we dipped ourselves lazily into the water.

  I’d taken a million or so baths. Some in enjoyment. Some in absolute resolve to cause myself pain. But never had I shared this private moment with someone else. It’d always been my secret, a desperate escape from my reality. Things always seemed much clearer when I washed away the events of the day from my body. Like cleansing myself would somehow fix me.

  “After Aspen let’s go somewhere. Anywhere in the world, you choose, let’s just get away from everything.”

  I softly laughed at his comment that came out of nowhere. “I get to choose, huh?”

  “Yes, anywhere. Where have you always dreamed of going?”

  Of all the places in the entire world I knew exactly where I’d want to go. “Las Vegas.”

  “Las Vegas?” He laughed. “Not Paris or Barcelona or the Bermuda Triangle, but Las Vegas?”

  “Yeah.” I turned and smiled into his wet skin. “It’s where I was born. I haven’t been there since I was a baby. My mom told me about this place called Heaven in Sin. It’s a park at the end of the Las Vegas strip, most people have no clue it even exists, but there’s a bench there and if you sit in the right spot it’s supposed to emulate life and death. If you look to the left you’ll see the city full of temptation, sin, and corruption. If you look to the right it emulates life: the playground with families and children, laughter, joy, and love. And at sunset if you look forward toward the crest of earth that swallows the light, it resembles death, life ending and the peace, fear, and hope that comes along with the unknown darkness. And my favorite is if you look backwards at sunrise it represents new life, rebirth, repentance, or being born and reawakened with light love and clarity.”

  “Wow, okay. Las Vegas it is. Don’t be surprised if I hijack you and take you through a drive-through wedding chapel then.” He couldn’t see my face masking a thousand emotions. There were two things that would never happen for me: getting married and having children. For quite obvious childhood reasons, I would never do either. Just like Jesse, that was the promise I made to myself. There had never been sanctity in marriage. Even though I dreamed of a forever type of love, all I’d ever known was love so twisted it rotted the heart. Love was temporary and fleeting. I craved it knowing it wouldn’t last. And my greatest fear of all, more than death, more than Franklin, more than the unknown of life itself was becoming a mother. I would never bring a child into my fucked-up world. I would never give myself the option to fail a child, to disappoint, to hurt, because what if … what if that same disconnected DNA, the same poison was in me too. I would never take the risk.

  “Are you okay?” he whispered on my shoulder.

  “Yeah, I just haven’t thought of Vegas for a long time.” I lied.

  “What’s in Vegas?”

  “Answers,” I replied vaguely.

  Luckily the serious topics faded and there we were, naked and wet, with sexual tension boiling over into the tub. We took turns washing each other, taking our time to explore each other’s bodies. It was sexual, believe me it was sexual, but it was more than that. It was sweet and intimate, like no one had ever taken the time to see my body the way he was seeing it. Like no one had touched his body the way I was touching it. Never crossing the line, we explored every inch of each other’s skin with our hands. It was innocent yet sinful. He washed my hair as I lay on his chest. His fingers in my scalp, kneading and playing with each strand like he never wanted to stop touching it.

  If we wanted to take things slow, I should have put on a thick ski suit onesie and opted for a game of chess. I had to rotate to the other side so we were sitting across from each other, but that didn’t mean his long muscular legs didn’t take up the whole tub with me practically straddling him. I went across to the other side of the tub because I kept feeling his massive erection rubbing up against me. I was a weak woman and could only resist it for so long. And as long as it tapped me on my shoulder—because it was almost that big; I’d need some Ibuprofen and two shots of tequila before I took a ride on the Don Juan of all dicks.

  “What’s so funny?” He splashed me. I’d been laughing at my own sick sexual commentary.

  “Oh nothing, I was just thinking about tequila shots.”

  “Mmmm … I like to think about tequila shots too.” His brow raised as he eyed my lips. “You know when I first tried to pick you up at Charlie’s I knew that apple martini wasn’t yours. I felt stupid for assuming I knew what you’d be drinking after having only listened to you on the radio a handful of times so I chose the apple martini so I’d be wrong and didn’t feel like such a stalker.”

  “You think you know me that well, do you?” I smiled, splashing him back.

  “Yeah. I do.”

  “Really?” No one really knew me besides June; hell I didn’t even feel like I knew myself sometimes. “How so?”

  He grabbed my hand, pulling me toward him. My body slid against his as he cradled me in his arms and lifted me out of the tub. Water dripped from our bodies as he carried me into the bedroom laying me down on the bed. The electronic fireplace had warmed the room and I could already feel my skin start to dry.

  “I have something that belongs to you,” he said as his eyes drifted down my body. I was naked, my hair wild in damp waves around me with my knee twisted across the other and my arms above my head. He made me feel sexy and reckless.

  “Okay,” I said quietly, biting my lip, not knowing what it was.

  He walked over to his discarded shirt I’d worn and pulled a piece of paper out of the breast pocket. “I meant what I said, Larkin.” His voice always sounded so deep and beautiful when he said my name. “My happiness is with you. I don’t want just moments. I want forever.” He walked back toward me, kneeling down beside the bed, delicately opening my journal entry I’d ripped out and left him. “I don’t want this to be erased from your life. I would give anything to repair the torn edges on this paper, please tell me I can fix this.”

  I held my breath, staring at Jesse who I couldn’t even promise another day with. All I had left to give him was this moment, nothing more. “Go reach inside the large front pocket of my bag over there.” I pointed toward my luggage by the nightstand. He walked over, unzipped the bag, and reached inside. I knew when he felt it he would know why. He pulled out my journal and brought it back over to the bed.

  I took the piece of paper, smoothing my hands over its wrinkles and creases, then flipped through the pages of my journal looking for the emptiness of missing words. “Even though I tore this out, I’d never forget what it said. It’s ingrained in
me just like every other moment that’s been written in here.” I found the missing page and ran my fingers along the serrated edge. In its place, a single white feather.

  “Is this from …”

  “You,” I answered with an adoring smile, pulling out the feather I’d saved from his bouquet. I pressed the worn page back where it belonged. As I looked up at him, closing the book of my life, I wondered what beautiful things could be written next if I didn’t have to turn the page and run. I smiled as he brushed his hand on my face and brought his lips to mine.

  “I want you so bad right now, Larkin, you have no idea.” He pulled away and whispered, “I crave you. I crave your laughter, I crave your smile, I crave your darkness. I crave every piece of you.” He leaned over me as I lay back down on the bed, sliding his hands up my body, bringing my arms and hands above my head like they were before. “I can’t touch you anymore unless I end up inside you. It’s taken every ounce of self-control I have to take things slow.” His breath was ragged and I could feel his heart pounding near mine. “But I will, because I want this with you, no matter how much it’s killing me.” He paused, composing himself and his words. “Close your eyes,” he whispered. And I did.

  His body moved off the bed. My pulse was fast and wild, bouncing around like a bumblebee in a mason jar. I had the sense I was never going to be the same after tonight.

  “You asked how I know you …” I felt the bed dip down beside me, and the temperature of his skin burning hot. “That’s simple …” I peeked up through my lashes but was met with a sultry grin. “No peeking, angel. Close your eyes.” I smiled, shutting my eyes again, trying to be calm but my body was anxious and fluttering with desire I knew I couldn’t release. “It’s simple because you’re under my skin, you’ve gotten into my blood, and you’re all I think about.”

  There was serenity in the moment of surrender, a calm in the tidal wave that was about to wreck your soul. What I’d been fighting against didn’t seem to matter much anymore because in the end weren’t those always the moments you wished had always happened.

  That was when I felt it, the lightest flutter on the tip of one of my fingers that traced its way down my palm, slow and ethereal, and as he spoke, it slowly drifted all the way down my arm. It was the feather.

  “I know when we’re near each other there is a change in the air. I’ve never felt anything like it before, it’s like static. It’s completely overwhelming and drives me wild. I know you feel it too; I can see it. You hold your breath for the tiniest of seconds, always surrendering to the sensation.”

  The flutter went away and then I felt it again on the tips of my fingers on my other hand. “I know that when you drink hot chocolate, even though you know it’s still hot, you take a sip anyways, because you’re impatient, and end up making the cutest face trying to cool down your tongue.” It trailed down my palm and arm the exact same way as before. I felt a shiver crawl against my skin as I anticipated where he would touch me next.

  I opened my eyes to look at him; I had to look into his eyes. “See … impatient.” He smiled, all knowingly. I didn’t close my eyes again. Instead, I watched Jesse’s lips as he said each word, his hand as he moved the feather over my body, and his eyes to see what kind of emotions were there.

  He took the feather, tickling the bottom of my feet making me laugh. “I know that in the shower you draw things onto the glass tile in the steam.” He traced its softness up along my ankle, slowly and lightly feathering up my inner thigh. I held my breath because every nerve ending in my body begged for its touch. “I always waited to get in after you so I could smell your cinnamon scent and see what doodles you’d made, I found myself wondering what was going to show up before I even turned on the hot water. Birds, music notes, and a really disfigured alligator.”

  “It was a penis.” I laughed, shaking my head embarrassed.

  “If you say so.” He grinned.

  My legs spread, eyes closed, and neck tilted up as the feather lightly kissed in between my legs for only a briefest second before he brought it down to tickle the bottom of my other foot. “I know when you’re hungry you’re moody, when you’re worried or upset you clench into your wrist like it will make everything okay, and when you feel awkward you get feisty and start making jokes.” Over my ankle, and up my inner thigh, the softness was just enough for pleasure but not enough to satisfy. “Every emotion has a telltale sign and my favorite of them all is when you’re happy. You look at me like it’s the first time you’ve ever felt that way and it breaks my heart and makes it swell all at the same time.” I gasped this time as the feather, once more, lightly flicked in between my legs.

  He made small, light circles that fluttered over my stomach. He started at my hipbone, tracing along my skin like he was painting a masterpiece. Chills went everywhere. I bit my lip waiting for his words to hypnotize me once more.

  “I know that you hum and sing under your breath when you’re deep in thought and you have no idea you’re doing it.” He traced the feather back across my stomach, this time it was low enough I instinctively moved my legs wanting to get closer to its touch. “And you also have no idea how intoxicating your smile is; you don’t just hand out smiles, you genuinely have to earn each one and just seeing it makes my entire day complete and I keep thinking about ways to make you smile again.”

  Slowly, so damn slowly, he brought the feather up to my breasts. Every single moment was pleasurable torture. Every single movement I kept picturing his tongue or fingers touching me, but in all honesty I wanted the feather there more. It was everything I wanted in this moment. Taking his time, he touched every curve. Chills ran over me again and with each brush of the feather I arched up in need. “I know that you are creative, defiant, stubborn, caring, bitchy, mysterious, hilarious, witty, and forgiving. You’ve been through hell but yet you survived.”

  “Oh God.” I moaned when he brought the soft feather over my nipples. Taking his time to tease each one, they ached and beaded, and he had me completely coming apart beneath him. I was in tune with my body; it begged him for more. Restless and aching, all I could do was lie there and hold on.

  I felt him drag the feather from my nipples down the center of my body. My skin tingled in its wake. Slowly and softly, he moved it between my breasts, trailing it down past my belly button. I looked into his eyes as they worshiped me. He dragged the feather down until it was finally touching me where I wanted. I arched my back off the bed and closed my eyes when he slid it between my legs, my hand still grasping on the sheets above me.

  “So beautiful.” The feather set me on fire; I was aching, unable to touch him or myself. “I know that no matter how many times you run, I will always chase after you. I’ll never hurt you again. But I know you. And you’ll run when things get hard or complicated or so fucking amazing you’re scared you’ll lose it all. And I will chase you every single time. No matter how far, because I know I can’t live without you.”

  Friday, February 15th, 2013

  Jesse

  I woke up to the lingering effects of betrayal and a burning sensation in my neck. My heart pounded as I strained to open heavy eyelids. I tried to move but my body was momentarily useless. What has she done? The thick fog was clearing but not fucking fast enough. The best I could do was force my lungs open, taking in air so I could scream out her name. Sickness spread from my stomach as my numb limbs reached out to find her, searching the bed blindly only to realize she was gone.

  “LARKIN!” I screamed again, waiting in panic for the haze and fogginess of my brain to lift. This can’t be happening! As I tried to stand, I placed my hand on the nightstand, holding my weight, until I found the note that sent me crumbling to my knees.

  Friday, February 15th, 2013

  Larkin

  “Glad you made it, Miss Smith. We were just about to shut the gate.”

  I looked at the clock on the wall and somehow the universe didn’t hate me this morning, even though it should. I was fifteen minutes lat
e for my flight that should’ve already departed and it still hadn’t left yet.

  “Thanks,” I said breathlessly as she handed me back my ID and ticket. I rushed down the jet way boarding the plane while the flight attendants shut the door directly behind me. I gave them a straight-lined I’m sorry face as I brushed past. I walked down the aisle opening my crumpled ticket that’d been clenched in my hand. The adrenaline in my body still hadn’t calmed itself from this morning’s events.

  “Larkin, over here!” It was June and Austin. A flood of relief and tears threatened to overtake me. I ran down the aisle to get to them. Immediately, June and I crashed into each other’s arms, hugging and doing the uncomfortable half cry-half laugh thing that freaked most people out because they weren’t quite sure what the hell was going on.

  The flight attendant cleared her throat a few times. I ignored her, hugging Austin, showering him with kisses and tears, finally sitting down in my seat next to June when I felt composed enough.

  “I was worried sick! I thought you were dead! The past twenty-four hours have been hell!” She clutched my hand, shaking.

  “I know. Ditto.” I hugged her again; we both needed it. “I’m so glad you’re okay,” I whispered into her hair.

  “I’m so glad you’re okay.” She pulled me away and instantly touched my cut lip.

  “Max?” I said, looking around the plane. June frowned with worry.

  “He’s here, but I’m going to let him explain himself.” She nodded toward the front of the plane. I looked up to see him walking down the aisle towards us. “He was talking with the pilot trying to stall him as long as he could hoping you’d show.”

  “What happens now, Larkin?” Austin asked, shifting toward me in his seat. “I thought Franklin was following you?”

  “He is,” I said, sick to my stomach. “He called me early this morning repeating his threats. I agreed I’d bring him the tape, alone, and meet him in Landon’s office.” I inhaled, deep and slow, rubbing deep circles with my fingers on my temples. “He’ll figure out I’m not coming right at noon when my delivery shows up.”