by LK Shaw
I had one of my textbooks out, and I was desperately trying to study, but I found myself glancing at the clock every ten minutes. Knowing that I needed to turn in this assignment tomorrow, I made myself focus. Luckily, it worked, and I’d become so engrossed, I lost track of time. The knock on the door broke my concentration. My heart raced, and I smoothed my suddenly sweaty palms on my thighs. I attempted to look busy as I heard Philip say my name when he walked in.
“Morning,” he greeted me looking relaxed and casual, as though our entire dynamic hadn’t shifted yesterday. Maybe it hadn’t. Maybe I was making more of it than he was.
I tried to act natural. “Oh, hey.”
Clearly, acting was not my forte since my greeting sounded forced and awkward.
“You look like you’re busy, so I’m going to put the groceries away, and then do a quick walk around outside. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
He disappeared down the hall. My shoulders slumped. He hadn’t said anything about me looking different today. Maybe I had gone through all that effort for nothing.
“Oh, you look especially beautiful today, by the way.” Philip popped his head around the corner before he disappeared again. A stupid, silly smile crossed my face now, and I spun around in circles in my office chair.
He must have made quick work outside, because suddenly, he was standing in front of me again.
“I have a surprise for you,” he said, plopping down in the recliner across from where I sat. “You haven’t eaten lunch yet, have you?”
“No, why?” I looked at him suspiciously.
Philip stood and reached out his hand. “I told you, it’s a surprise. Now, do you trust me?”
I hesitated for only a moment before placing my hand in his. He gently pulled me out of the chair and looped my arm through his bent one.
“Thank you for your trust. I won’t lead you astray, I promise.” He looked down and winked at me. “Much, anyway.”
My chest tightened, and my heart dropped with slight panic when he began leading me out the front door. He slowed his stride when he felt the hesitation in my footsteps. I gathered up my courage and kept silent as Philip escorted me out to his truck, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze. Ever the gentleman, he opened the door for me, then closed it after I’d secured my seatbelt.
He hopped up in the driver’s seat, threw me a one-hundred watt smile, and started up the vehicle. He fiddled with the radio, stopping on an oldies station.
“So, how are the studies going?”
It took me a minute to realize Philip was speaking to me over the sound of rushing water in my head. I was outside, and he hadn’t prepared me for this. I never went outside without at least a day’s prep. My palms were sweaty, and my whole body felt clammy.
“Oh, um, they’re going okay. This semester has been a lot tougher, but I guess that’s expected since it’s so close to graduation. Only a few months left.” I wondered if Philip could hear the tremble in my voice as loudly as I could.
A warm hand covered mine. I looked down at Philip intertwining our fingers. My head shot up to look at him. He squeezed my hand even though he didn’t speak. He just sent me a look that said, “You’re okay. I’m right here.” And suddenly, a light bulb went off, and I realized he was right. Everything was going to work out just fine. After that, the rest of the drive was actually pleasant. We talked about his youngest niece’s birthday and how his oldest niece was broken hearted about her first boyfriend breaking up with her. She alternated between crying her eyes out and being pissed off about what a jerk he was.
I found it oddly fascinating. I’d never had a boyfriend, so I’d never experienced the teenage angst. I could imagine the heartache she felt though. My glance darted to Philip, who kept his eyes on the road as he talked and drove. It made me more appreciative of having Philip in my life, because right now, I couldn’t imagine it without him.
When the truck came to a stop, he let go of my hand and shut it off. I hadn’t even realized we were at our destination. I peered out of the front windshield, my neck craning as I looked up and around at where he’d brought us. I’d been paying more attention to the sight of a Ferris wheel, roller coaster, and clock tower than to Philip, because I startled when he opened my door. When I looked over at him, I saw he was carrying a picnic basket.
“What is this place?” I asked in wonder.
I placed my hand in his free one as he helped me out of the cab, releasing it when my feet hit the ground. I turned in circles in the empty lot. Grass grew through cracks in the sidewalk and the place looked like one of those spooky old ghost towns you see on TV with the sagebrush rolling through the street.
“This, my dear Casey, is Poppy Park. Or rather, it used to be back in the day. It was the place to take a girl on your first date when I was a kid.”
“Wow, no wonder it’s shut down. That was eons ago.” I couldn’t help razzing Philip about his age, even though you’d never know how old he was based on his looks. With his Viking good looks, especially when he smiled, he could pass for ten years younger.
He nudged me with his elbow. “Hey, watch it, you. I can keep up with guys half my age, I’ll have you know.”
I gave him a once over as my cheeks heated, especially when he reached for my hand again. Philip certainly had a thing for that. Not that I was complaining.
As we strolled toward the entrance, I couldn’t help wondering. “I have a question. If this place has been shut down for so long, how are we going to get in?”
Philip wiggled his eyebrows at me. “Oh, ye of little faith.”
“I’m not going to have to call my sister to bail us out of jail, am I?”
He snorted. “Not hardly. I called in a few favors from a buddy of mine who knows the former owner. He unlocked the gates for us and said we could hang out for a couple hours, but then he’d have to lock up again. So, for the next two hours, we have the whole park to ourselves. Not that any of the rides are even hooked up anymore, but I have the perfect spot for our picnic lunch.”
Once inside the park, my gaze took everything in. I imagined the place back in its heyday with teenagers and parents with their small children strolling along. I almost heard the screams and laughter of ride-goers as they were whipped around on the roller coaster. I pictured their eyes watering and hair blowing, as they held on for dear life while the ride plunged them in to an unknown abyss. This place must have been amazing. My heart ached to see it in such disrepair.
I gasped when I spotted the giant carousel in front of us. It reminded me of the musical snow globe Josie had bought me when she went away to college, shortly after it started happening. “It” being the fact that from thirteen to fourteen, my father had “gifted” me to one of his business associates who was partial to young girls. I purged the unpleasant memory and focused on how less alone the tiny little carousel horse had made me feel. Every night before I went to sleep, I’d turn the knob and shake it up and watch the snow and glitter dance around the bobbing horse. Even for an almost fourteen year-old, it was magical.
This was the first one I’d ever seen up close, and tears filled my eyes. It was just as majestic in the flesh as I’d imagined, no matter how old and battered it appeared. It signified a time in my life when I desperately needed a friend, and that single horse inside that glittery snow globe was the only one I had.
“Casey, hon, what’s wrong?” Philip stepped in front of me, effectively blocking the carousel from my view, concern written across his face. He reached up to swipe away a tear I hadn’t realized I’d shed.
I hastily wiped away the rest of them with a self-deprecating laugh. “God, you must think I’m being silly, crying at the sight of a stupid ride. It’s nothing, really.”
“Hey,” he whispered, “it’s obviously something important, to cause that kind of reaction. I don’t think you’re being silly at all. Do you—do you want to tell me what happened?”
I shook my head, taking in a shuddering breath. “Not really. Not
today at least. I want today to be all about happiness. And being here, with you, makes me happy. So, let’s have a picnic.”
Philip studied me for another minute, waiting for me to change my mind, maybe. But I was resolute in my decision. I didn’t want anything to ruin this afternoon by talking about the past. Now that I was actually out of the house, and here, excitement filled me. This was living. I was doing something completely, and utterly, normal. And aside from a few tears and a brief trip down memory lane I’d rather not have had, this was part of what I’d wanted from Philip, even if I hadn’t known it. It was finally occurring to me that there was more than just sex that I needed to erase. I’d asked for his help to create new memories. And today was a day I would remember forever.
6
PHILIP
When I saw Casey’s tears, I freaked out, thinking I’d pushed her too fast. I knew of her agoraphobia, but I’d hoped that with me being near her, she could handle it. Then I realized that until we reached the carousel, she’d had her anxiety under control. Something about this ride set her off, but she seemed to be calm now.
Poppy Park had been the first place I’d thought of to have our picnic. The summer after my brother died, my mom brought Clarissa and me here. She had saved for several months to pay for tickets. We spent the entire day riding the rides, eating cotton candy, funnel cakes, corn dogs, and playing all the games. I’d won Clarissa a huge brown teddy bear bigger than she was, and I’d won my mom this cheap, plastic necklace, earring, and ring set. It was gaudy as hell, but she’d proudly worn it for the rest of the day.
It had been the best day of my life. Which was why I’d wanted to bring Casey here. In the hopes that even if it wasn’t the best day of her life, she could count it as a great day. She might think that learning to enjoy sex was living, but there was so much more to it than that. She said she wanted to live. I was going to help her do that.
“Come on.” I said, as I helped Casey up onto the carousel. We walked through the horses and the other animals interspersed around the ride, until I found one of the carriage seats. I watched Casey as she lingered at each of the horses we passed, her fingers running over them, almost petting them as if they were real. She caressed each one as though they were her favorite pet, her best friend. Her hands ran from mane to tail, and the look of wonder and pleasure made the trip out here so worth it.
“They’re all so beautiful.” Her words and smile were wistful. “Thank you for bringing me here, Philip.”
“It’s my pleasure.” While she’d been distracted with the horses, I’d already folded the blanket and put it on the hard seat for cushioning. I’d also pulled out the sandwiches I’d pre-made and the individual bags of potato chips. Casey settled on the seat next to me and started nibbling on her sandwich. I set her bottle of water between us.
“My mom brought my sister and me here once. Clarissa was devastated when they closed down.”
“Why did they shut down? This place is amazing,” she asked after swallowing a sip of water.
I shrugged. “Money, maybe. I think as time went on, more and more people were heading to the bigger amusement parks. The ones with the fancier and scarier rides. This place is small potatoes next to that popular park an hour away. I think more people began to drift over there, and there just wasn’t enough income to sustain the place. Who knows?”
“How sad. Just because something isn’t as pretty as it used to be doesn’t mean it doesn’t have any worth,” she said sadly. I got the impression she wasn’t just talking about the park.
I needed her to smile again for me. I also really wanted to kiss her. “I know I said this already, but you look beautiful today.”
Casey dipped her head in embarrassment, and a blush crawled from her neck to her cheeks. “Thank you,” came her shy response.
I eased the water bottle from her hand and set it to the side before scooting closer. Our hips touched, and I could feel the heat of her skin through our clothes. Casey’s eyes widened, but she didn’t move away from me. I pivoted an inch in her direction, and moving slowly, I reached out and traced her lips with my fingers. I kept my touch gentle and non-invasive. It was strictly to get her used to the feel of me. She trembled under my fingertips, and her lips parted just barely. Her breath quickened, and her pupils dilated. My gaze wandered across her face, taking in the dark, brilliant blue of her eyes, the slope of her nose, and the pinkness of her lips, the bottom one fuller than the top. The freckles that dotted her nose looked like tiny drops of cinnamon or maybe brown sugar.
Suddenly, I had to know. It was as though this was the moment I’d been waiting two years for. I threaded my fingers through her hair, palming the back of her head, and leaned forward stopping a hairsbreadth away from her lips, giving her time to put a halt to what we both knew was coming. I didn’t want to scare her by moving too fast. Our breaths mingled, and when she didn’t pull back, I feathered my lips across hers. I kept my touch light and hesitant, but a tiny spark still ignited, and a warmth flowed through me. Her lips were petal soft, and they tentatively parted when I traced them with my tongue. To my surprise, she tasted like bubble gum. A sweet burst of flavor.
I felt Casey’s gasp as my tongue dipped just inside her mouth to tease hers. Her entire body froze. Shit. As I was about to pull back, my pulse quickened, because just then, I felt her respond as she tentatively touched her tongue to mine. It was a shy, inexperienced touch, but one I felt to the tips of my toes. Taking a chance, I deepened the kiss by just a fraction, testing the waters. Inexpertly, Casey followed suit. She kissed like a woman who’d never been kissed before. Her low, breathy moans had me hard as a rock. Mostly, because she wasn’t even aware she was making them. When she leaned into me, we both suddenly jerked as her palm inadvertently landed on my hard thigh, dangerously close to my throbbing erection. Casey quickly jumped back, breaking our connection. I spotted her flushed face before she covered it with both of her hands.
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” Her words came out rushed and muffled.
Her utter mortification was apparent and charming, but I didn’t want to make her more uncomfortable, so I stifled my laughter at the horrified expression that I’d only gotten a quick glance at. One would have thought she’d grabbed a handful of nut with the way she was acting. But, I knew how flustered she was, and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.
“You have nothing to apologize for,” I reassured her gently.
“I almost—” she waved one of her hands in my general direction, the other still covering her face. “I almost grabbed your…you know. Oh my god, this is so embarrassing.”
“Casey,” I reached out to clasp her still waving hand. “Look at me. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s okay. No harm, no foul. It’s just me. Don’t worry about it. All right?”
She peeked at me between her barely spread fingers. Slowly, she lowered her hand and set it in her lap before nodding. It was then I noticed I’d been rubbing my thumb over her knuckles, caressing her supple skin, in an unconscious gesture. Reluctantly, I let go of her now that she was calm.
“So, that went well.” I couldn’t help but grin at her.
She rolled her eyes. “Sure, if you don’t count the fact that I accidentally groped you. God, how mortifying.”
“Hey, think of it this way. We got to first base with no problem, and you were heading straight to third. Although, next time, let’s show second a little love, will ya?” I waggled my eyebrows at her.
“Oh my god, you’re such a guy.” Casey playfully punched my arm, unable to control her laughter.
“True, but I still call today progress. Now, let’s finish lunch, and I’ll get you back to the house.”
Casey ate the rest of her chips before washing them down with the remainder of her water. Once we were done, I packed up our picnic, and as we strolled back through the park, my hand accidentally brushed hers. Seeing how close she was, I reached out and clasped hers in mine and held it until we got to the truck.
I dropped her off at the house with the promise I’d see her soon.
7
CASEY
I’d woken this morning with a headache after a restless night of interrupted sleep. While I hadn’t had a full on nightmare, random, unsettling images floated through my brain. Slight traces of them still tickled my mind even as I continued to lay here. Knowing I needed to start my day, I dragged myself out of bed. After a quick shower and brushing my teeth, I threw on a pair of leggings and an over-sized tee that I tied in a knot at my hip. I didn’t bother with shoes before I padded out to the kitchen where I brewed a large cup of coffee.
Feeling the need for some fresh air to try and rid my mind of the remnants hanging out, I strode down the hall, steaming beverage in hand, passing the pictures that lined the walls. There were some of Josie and me, Josie and Miles, and even a few of Philip and me. Over the last couple years, Josie and I had taken great pains in making this house a true home. My parents’ house had been ostentatious and sterile. The housekeeper was paid a lot of money to keep all the marble and crystal clean and shiny. There hadn’t been any family photos on display. My mother had self-medicated to get through her day-to-day life dealing with a criminal husband who paraded his mistresses around. Most days she’d spent locked in her dark room, wallowing in her misery. Josie had been the one to practically raise me, even though she was still a child herself.
Things were different now. I lived in my own house, even if technically, I didn’t own it. And, even though I lived alone, it was a home. I took a deep breath and stepped onto the back patio. It was a gorgeous, summer morning, and there was a light breeze filtering through the giant maple tree in the backyard. The sun was already shining brightly behind it, casting a long shadow across the bright, green yard and over half of the twelve foot by twelve foot wood deck I stood on. I inhaled the smell of fresh cut grass.