by Edie Claire
“Orcas off Ragged Island.”
“Perfect!” Carol declared. “Now how about you let me take over a minute while you charm the hellions? Mom and Dad haven’t been worth much up to now, and something tells me they aren’t going to get any better after a glass of champagne.”
Ben looked over his shoulder at the two boys. Ignored by their parents, they were roughhousing near the side rail. As he watched, one of them climbed up on the first level of railing.
“Holy—” he jumped up.
“Uh huh,” Carol agreed matter-of-factly, slipping behind the wheel in his place. “Off you go, Uncle Ben.”
Ben hastened outside. Carol wasn’t fond of children. If she had her way, the minimum age on the tours would be twenty-three. It was theoretically the first mate’s job to keep an eye out for child safety problems, but Ben had noticed that any time kids were on the passenger list, Carol either avoided that tour or made sure he was assigned to it with her.
“Hey there, Horace! Bubba!” he called out, just as the younger of the two boys progressed to the second rung on the railing. “Have you taken the quiz yet?”
The older boy frowned at him. “What quiz? My name’s not Horace!”
“Oh, you’re Bubba? Then this must be Horace,” Ben corrected.
“I’m not Horace!” the younger brother insisted, stepping down.
“Okay, Ernest,” Ben agreed, dropping to a squat beside them. “Here’s your first question. Let’s say a little five-year-old girl accidentally falls over the side of the boat and into the ocean. How do you save her?”
The boys straightened importantly and looked at each other. “Jump in after her?” the older one proposed uncertainly.
Ben smiled sadly. The boys really had no idea how dangerous the cold waters of the bay could be. He cast a look at their parents, who were gathered in the stern with all the other passengers, accepting small paper cups full of celebratory champagne. Haley took her cup as he watched, and their eyes met briefly. There was a strange look in hers. Sadness? Regret? He found it odd, in the middle of a toast, but he had no time to dwell on it.
“Well, actually,” he explained to the boys. “The first thing that would happen is that the girl would be so horribly cold, she would have trouble catching her breath…”
A few minutes later, the greatly subdued boys were sitting on the bench seats in the bow, assisting their captain in a lookout for the characteristic dorsal fins of orcas. Ben glanced back toward the stern to see a very relaxed and happy passenger group chatting sociably. Haley was smiling and laughing with the rest now, leaning back against the railing with no trace of her earlier angst. But as he watched, she surreptitiously moved the hand that held her cup behind her back and dumped the liquid overboard. Then she pretended to sip.
Ben’s forehead wrinkled with puzzlement. Perhaps she wasn’t a drinker, but felt it would be awkward to refuse under the circumstances. Or maybe it was lousy champagne.
The boys in front of him jumped up excitedly and began banging on the windshield and pointing. Well ahead in the distance, near another small boat, a dark, angled fin moved swiftly above the water.
Orcas.
He grinned broadly, then reached over to turn on the loudspeaker. This was indeed a banner day. The passengers had seen all the regular marine mammals and birds, plus a nice display of glacier calving, and it had only rained a little. He made his announcement, then looked over his shoulder to see Haley, along with the others, flocking towards the bow with excited smiles.
The wind whipped his too-large jacket around her, and she crossed her arms to hold it steady, inadvertently hiking it up.
Her yoga pants fit nicely.
No women in Alaska!
***
Haley collapsed on the bed in her cabin, her head still spinning from such a wonderful, fabulous, too-good-to-be-true day. Dear God, how she had needed it. The wind, the water, the animals… the images swirled in her brain in a delicious, numbing wave that pushed the cares of Newport Beach, California firmly away. She had gotten back into her phone just long enough to fire off two quick, happy-sounding emails to her mother and Micah, and then she’d shut it off again. She hadn’t read a thing.
And the day wasn’t even over yet. Ben had offered to throw a couple burgers on his grill, and she had readily accepted. How could she not? He was an amazing guy, he was cute as hell, and he made her laugh. It was just a couple of burgers.
Right?
A tentacle of anxiety crept into Haley’s otherwise perfect mood. Was he hoping for more?
She frowned. She had never intended to flirt with him, but if she were honest with herself, she knew that she had not been discouraging him, either. So far they had only been friendly, and nothing had crossed the line. They hadn’t even engaged in the typical game of innocent-sounding questions designed to scope out significant others. She hadn’t asked him if he had a girlfriend elsewhere because, being unavailable herself, she didn’t figure it was her business to know. Perhaps he was doing the same?
She pictured Steve and Gina on the boat, their faces glowing as the future groom slipped the engagement ring onto his bride’s finger. Seeing that kind of love in the midst of such an amazing day… it was almost too much.
Haley’s mind drifted to an image of Ben at the bridge, the ginger curls on his neck lifting in the breeze that whipped through the cabin windows. See there, Haley? I told you a whale would wave at you. Her heart warmed anew at the sweetness of the gesture.
Dammit. Who was she kidding?
Of course they were attracted to each other. Hot flames had practically been leaping between them all day. In a perfect world, she would have jumped the man’s bones the second they reached the privacy of his car. But unfortunately they lived in the real world, where her home was a thousand miles away from either of his homes, and where she was leaving in a matter of days never to see him again. Besides which, oh yeah, she was pregnant.
Haley groaned into her pillow. Ben had been acting like a perfect gentleman, but that only meant he was a gentleman. It didn’t mean he wasn’t harboring hopes. And she had no business encouraging them, no matter how much she enjoyed his company and no matter how much she could use the distraction he provided. It wasn’t fair to him.
Particularly when, if he knew what she did for a living, he would probably never speak to her again.
She pulled herself up from the mattress and wondered if she had time for a shower, since her skin was sticky with salt spray and her hair was a disaster. Then she remembered she didn’t have a shower.
Well, this is awkward.
It was one thing to slip into Ben’s empty house when she was just getting to know him — it would be quite another for her to march around his cabin in a towel after a day like today. So what was she going to do?
A knock sounded on her door. She got up and swung it open.
“Hey, shower buddy,” Ben said wickedly, his hazel eyes dancing. His hair was wet and he was wearing jeans and a hoodie; he had obviously just finished taking a shower himself.
Haley growled at him playfully. “I really wish you would stop saying that.”
He laughed. “Just wanted to let you know the facilities are available. I’m going out to fire up the grill, so the cabin’s all yours.”
Haley hesitated. He looked even better in the soft hoodie and jeans than he’d looked in his captain’s outfit. She wondered what it would feel like to bury her face in the curve of his shoulder.
“I’ll stay outside, I promise,” he insisted, misreading her hesitation.
“Okay,” she said impulsively. “I’ll take you up on that. Thanks.” To heck with it, she snapped at herself as she closed the door behind him. She really did need that shower.
An hour later, as they sat on her porch admiring the view and finishing off the last of their chargrilled burgers, Haley couldn’t help but feel as if the day had indeed been perfect. They had hardly talked at all over dinner, but had been enjoying the evening sun — which was nowhere
close to setting — in comfortable, companionable silence.
“You look better, Haley,” he said finally, watching her as she drank in, once again, the sweeping vista of the snow-covered mountains.
“I feel better,” she answered, understanding exactly what he meant. “Thank you.”
He looked surprised. “I didn’t do anything. It’s Alaska you should be thanking. It’s a great place to gain perspective, isn’t it?”
She nodded. She was sitting in her Adirondack chair; he was sitting in a similar one he’d dragged over from his own porch. The food was gone. Any second now, he would get up to leave.
Then what would happen?
If they were friends, she would give him a grateful hug, probably a kiss on the cheek. He’d been wonderful to her today, and yesterday too, for that matter. She would express her affection, and it would be heartfelt. A return hug would feel fabulous.
But they weren’t friends, were they? The boundaries weren’t clear. They were still wandering blindly in “maybe” land. And as long as their situation remained ambiguous, he would have expectations and she would feel guilty for letting him.
But how could she say anything? He had quite pointedly not made a move. Perhaps he never would.
She wrested her gaze from the landscape and stole a look at him, only to find him watching her. In the fraction of a second before he looked away, the smoky cast in his eyes was unmistakable.
“Listen, Ben,” she said, rising abruptly, anxious to do the right thing before losing her nerve. “I know it’s too early to say this, and maybe it doesn’t need to be said at all. But I happen to like you, a lot, and I want to be straight with you. It’s probably obvious that I’m attracted to you, even though I’ve been trying not to show it. But the fact is, I’m not on the market. I’m single, but… there are things going on in my life right now that would make a relationship — any kind of relationship — impossible. And as much as I enjoy spending time with you, and as much as I’d like to spend more time with you while I’m here, I can’t keep on like this until we’re clear about that. I don’t want to be unfair to you.”
She paused for breath, surprised to feel her heart thudding wildly in her chest. She really wasn’t thirteen. Did she not throw herself into tense confrontations with far more intimidating men every day at the firm? She was famous for keeping her cool!
She’d been maintaining eye contact as she spoke, but his face gave little away. For a long moment, he surveyed her with an odd, blank expression. Then he rose from his chair and moved to stand beside her at the porch railing. Just when she was sure she would explode if he didn’t say something in the next two seconds, he folded his arms over his chest, leaned back onto the railing, and crossed his legs comfortably in front of him.
“That,” he said with the hint of a smile, “was exceptionally well done.”
Haley smiled back, even as her heart thudded louder.
“You think?”
He nodded thoughtfully. “I’d say that was hands down the best ‘just friends’ speech I’ve ever heard.”
His eyes flashed a friendly twinkle, and her cheeks flushed with relief. “I can’t believe you’ve heard very many,” she said honestly.
He made no response to that, but stood up, gathered the trash from their meal, and headed down her porch steps.
She was about to say something, although she didn’t know what, when he suddenly turned around.
“There’s a high wind advisory out for tomorrow,” he said matter-of-factly. “Odds are we’ll have to cancel the tours, at least through the morning. If I get the time off, how you would like to hike up and touch a glacier?”
Haley felt her palms break into a sweat.
“I’d love that,” she answered.
“I’ll let you know sometime tomorrow morning, then,” he said, stepping backwards toward his cabin.
“I’ll be here,” she replied. Did he really have to leave now? “Ben?” she called after him.
He stopped again.
She sucked in a breath. “I’m sorry if… I mean…” Spit it out, Haley. “I know the speech was premature.”
He stared at her a moment. Then his lips twisted slowly into a smirk.
“No. It wasn’t.”
Chapter 12
The next morning Haley pulled her rental car off onto the shoulder of the road by the Seward Highway and shifted into park. She could not put off the unpleasantness any longer. She had to at least scan through her work email and make sure she wasn’t missing something important. And she had to check in with her mother and Micah. They could have sent her anything yesterday; she hadn’t read a word of it. She would catch up on the essentials now, respond in as minimal a manner as possible, then shut off her phone for the day.
And another great day it’s going to be, too, she thought with a smile.
She picked up her phone, and her smile faded. The messages were already pouring in. She steeled herself to be ruthless, to compartmentalize. To keep work as work and not let it intrude on her mood and emotions. But work was only half the problem.
Call me NOW! The subject header proclaimed. There were six emails from her mother and two from Micah, all in the last twenty-four hours. Her mother had also left three voice mails.
Foreboding crept over Haley like a heavy, wet blanket. She had no choice. She dialed her mother’s number.
“Haley?”
It was not her mother’s voice that answered. It was her sister’s.
“Hi, Micah,” Haley replied tonelessly. “I just saw all the messages but haven’t read them. What’s happening?”
There was a long pause. A sniffle. Then a sigh. “I moved out of the apartment last night.”
“You what?” Haley tried hard to rein in her knee-jerk flash of anger. She didn’t know all the circumstances. She shouldn’t judge. But so help her, if Micah was just acting out for attention again…
“We had another fight,” Micah explained.
Haley listened carefully to her sister’s voice cues. Micah was trying to sound determined, but every word was laced with regret.
“It’s been really hard, waiting for the final results. I know the baby’s probably fine. But, Haley, I just can’t stop worrying. The thought that Tim might not love the baby as much if—”
“He never said that, Micah. You know he didn’t!”
“But it’s how he feels!” Micah insisted. “It must be, or he could never have even suggested… you know!”
Termination.
Haley closed her eyes and breathed deeply. What Tim would give to take those words back, she couldn’t imagine. Maybe he meant them at the time, and maybe he didn’t. But there wasn’t a doubt in Haley’s mind that her brother-in-law would love this baby, no matter what. He had said as much a hundred times since he’d sputtered those first hasty, ill-considered words. But Micah couldn’t forget. Nor, evidently, could she forgive.
Haley struggled to find the right words. She was no marriage counselor. She was a firm believer in staying out of other people’s marriages altogether and her twin’s in particular. But this was getting ridiculous.
“I know that what he said hurt your feelings, Micah,” Haley replied finally. “But did you ever think that maybe your feelings aren’t the most important thing here? What he intends to do is love and care for this baby for the rest of his life. And he’s willing to do that even though the baby’s mother is an overreacting emotional nutcase. Because he loves them both. How can you not swoon over a man like that?”
There was a pause. Haley could tell that she was getting through. Micah always did respond to “tough love” — something she’d never gotten from either of their parents. Haley pressed on. “But if you don’t want him, I can always give it a go myself…”
“Don’t even think about it!” Micah threatened playfully, her voice choked with tears. “I do love him, Haley. You know I do.”
“Then act like it,” Haley continued. “Go home and hug it out.”
&nbs
p; “It’s not that easy.”
“I didn’t say it would be. It doesn’t matter. You still have to do it.”
Sniffles. “I know.”
Haley could hear her mother’s voice in the background. Then Micah’s again, both muffled.
“Mom wants to talk to you,” Micah said after a moment.
“Tell her I—”
“Haley!”
Crap. “Yes, Mom?”
“Where have you been? Have you even been reading my emails?”
“I’ve been having the time of my life. And no.” Haley’s muscles tensed. She didn’t want to hurt her mother’s feelings. Michelle was painfully susceptible to it, and she had a long memory.
“Don’t you think you could pay a little more attention to your sister when she’s in the middle of such a crisis?”
Micah mumbled something in the background.
Haley considered the question rhetorical.
“I understand you’re telling Micah she should go back to Tim? Do you have any idea how much it hurts her that he’s rejected this baby?”
Oh, God. Haley held the phone away from her a moment, breathed deeply, then pulled it back. “Tim has not rejected his baby,” she countered. “And you need to stop interfering. Your taking Micah’s side in everything is not helping!”
Michelle’s voice quavered. “Well, who’s going to take her side if you and I don’t?”
Haley really, really wanted to scream. “Her husband. Who loves her to distraction, if you would just open your eyes and see that!”
Calm down, Haley ordered herself. She really is trying to help. I think.
I hope.
“Mom, please listen to me. Tim and Micah will get through this. They have to get through this, for the baby’s sake. Tim wants this baby as much as she does and he is going to love it just as much as she does.”
“He will if it’s normal,” Michelle replied heavily. “Otherwise we just don’t know, do we?”
Haley gave up. Neither her mother nor Micah would be satisfied with anything else Tim said, much less anything else Haley said. They wouldn’t be satisfied until he showed them. Which he couldn’t possibly do until the baby was born. And if the baby was born normal and healthy, how could he ever prove to them that he would have loved it even if it hadn’t been?