by Edie Claire
It was time to go home.
When she finished climbing the steps up to the door of her apartment one torturous commute later, her limbs felt so heavy she was nearly numb. She would take a shower and fall straight into bed.
Shower buddies.
Haley cursed the refusal of her brain to shut down along with the rest of her. Surely she had exhausted its capacity to torture her; her neurons had far more reason to feel limp than did her long unused muscles. But even as her hands fumbled to unlock her door, images of Ben swam before her eyes. His long legs jogging up her porch steps. His broad back climbing the trail ahead of her. His arms, holding her tight against his chest…
“Haley!” Micah’s soprano voice echoed from the drive behind her. “Wait!”
She turned to see Micah leaning out the open passenger window of her husband’s car. Tim was driving.
Thank God, Haley thought tiredly. They’re together.
She waited as Tim found a visitor’s spot and her sister came hurrying up toward her. Amazingly, Micah was smiling. When she reached Haley she threw her arms around her and hugged her with enthusiasm. “We have news,” Micah announced, her blue eyes sparkling as she drew back. “We were going to surprise you at work, but the receptionist said you’d just left. Can we come in?”
Haley nodded mutely. Micah said nothing else until all three of them were settled in the living room of Haley’s apartment. Haley had collapsed into her recliner while Micah and Tim sat close together on the sectional couch, their faces beaming.
“The results came in,” Micah announced. Her cheeks were rosy and her skin glowed. “The baby is fine, Haley. Absolutely fine. There is no evidence of Down Syndrome or any other chromosomal abnormality whatsoever.”
Haley smiled as a welcome dose of happiness bubbled up within her. She rallied her exhausted limbs and rose to put one arm around Micah and the other around Tim, soliciting a group hug. “I’m so very happy to hear that,” she said sincerely, even as she dropped quickly back into the comfort of the recliner. “Congratulations all around.”
Micah and Tim exchanged a knowing glance, complete with smiles, and Haley’s spirits rose further. The cool distance that had come between the couple, the wall of doubt and disappointment that had seemed so impenetrable when she left for Alaska, had evaporated. She tried to place how many hours had passed since Tim’s desperate call, but she had no idea. She decided that it didn’t matter.
“There’s something else, Haley,” Micah said with barely suppressed excitement, her eyes sparkling again. “Tim came by Mom’s earlier and we talked — this was before the doctor called. He told me—” she cast an admiring glance her husband’s way, then continued. “He told me that if our baby had special needs of any kind, we should probably have just the one child, because he or she would need every bit of our attention. And I agreed.”
A twinge of uneasiness stirred in Haley’s gut. Where was Micah going with this? They had discussed the issue when Haley had agreed to be a surrogate. She had committed to one pregnancy, acknowledging the possibility of twins, but secretly praying that no multiples would occur. Whatever the couple chose to do with the remaining embryos was their business. Never had Micah even suggested that Haley carry a second pregnancy.
Haley felt a spurt of fury deep within her psyche. Once is enough, Micah, something inside her threatened to scream as an image of Ben loomed front and center in her mind. Don’t you dare even ask!
She barely managed to squelch the impulse when Micah spoke again.
“But then Tim said—” she looked at her husband adoringly again. “That if our baby is normal and healthy, then maybe a few years down the road, after we get our feet wet and learn how to be good parents, we could think about adopting a little sibling.” Micah’s blue eyes swelled with tears. “A special needs baby, he said. A child like Janie, maybe, who needs just as loving and supportive a family as she had. With a mother and father who understand what it’s like to feel different, and will love her for who she is.”
Haley felt her own eyes begin to moisten. She looked at Tim, and as her gaze met his she reaffirmed that her sister had done very well indeed. “I think that’s wonderful,” she said sincerely. “Really, truly wonderful.”
“And we will be good parents,” Micah said with sudden defensiveness, drawing Haley’s attention back to her. Micah’s face blazed with a determination Haley hadn’t seen in a very long time. “I’ve been frightened out of my wits and acting like a fool, and I’m sorry. I have no excuse for myself except temporary insanity, and I hope you can both forgive me for what I’ve put you through.” She turned pleading eyes on Haley. “I’m so glad you had the sense to take some time away. I’m sure it had to be helpful. Why did you come back early?”
Haley’s newfound joy dimmed a little. “Something blew up at work. I had no choice.”
“Oh, Haley,” Micah said, discouraged. “You work too damn hard, you know that? How much sleep did you get last night? You look exhausted!”
Despite herself, Haley had to grin at the sudden role reversal. Was Micah seriously mothering her?
“Well?” Micah demanded, her mouth set fiercely.
“Not much,” Haley replied. “I took the red-eye from Anchorage.”
“Oh, my God,” Micah said with exasperation, rising. “Come on, Tim. Let’s go. Haley is going straight to bed.”
Micah rose, and Tim rose with her. Haley thought about getting up to see them out, but when nothing happened, Micah clucked her tongue impatiently, took hold of Haley’s arms, and pulled her up from the recliner. “To bed!” she ordered, giving Haley a gentle push in the direction of her bedroom. “What time do you plan to leave for the office in the morning?”
Haley yawned. “I don’t know. Seven, probably.”
“I’ll be here with a healthy breakfast by 6:45,” Micah announced.
Behind her, Haley could hear her front door opening. Ahead of her, she could see her bed. Forget the shower. She would be lucky if she made it to the mattress.
“Goodnight, Haley,” Micah and Tim both called. “I love you,” Micah added.
“Love you, too,” Haley answered in a murmur, stumbling forward. She heard the front door close just as she collapsed onto her bed.
Her last thoughts were of ginger hair curling around the brim of a Mariners cap, bouncing with the motion of the waves, shining in the Alaskan sun.
Chapter 20
“I’m really not all that hungry,” Haley insisted, staring at the kale salad with more apathy than distaste. She remembered liking kale, as well as all the carefully chosen toppings Micah had added to it. But the memory seemed too distant to be relevant. All of her memories did. She had been back from Alaska for over two weeks now — time which had seemed to stretch into eternity.
“Eat it,” Micah ordered, her eyes flashing. “It’s barely six bites’ worth. And I made a special trip out just to get those dried cranberry fixings you like.”
Haley picked up her fork. She doubted that Micah had really made a special trip, but guilt had proven an effective tool before and Micah wouldn’t hesitate to use it again. She would do almost anything to get Haley to eat.
“That’s better,” Micah praised when the tiny bowl was at last consumed. “Now, how about an after-dinner protein chaser? I’ve got the strawberry kiwi and the mango pomegranate.”
Haley resisted the urge to make a face. She felt like a child, which was easy to do with Micah mothering her like she had never been mothered before. Aunt Janie had been practical and kind, but never overindulgent, and Michelle’s attentive periods had always been unpredictable, frequently ending without warning. Micah’s ministrations, in contrast, were dogged, steady, and lavish.
Micah frowned, and Haley suspected she had accidentally made a face after all.
“Well how about an ice cream float, then?” Micah offered. “I could run to the convenience store and get some orange soda or root beer. Full sugar and everything. A special treat.”
&n
bsp; Haley looked into her sister’s so obviously worried face and felt horrible again. “Micah, please,” she begged. “I can eat a snack later tonight, but I’m really full right now. I ate all the turkey, didn’t I?”
Micah blinked back at her, unassuaged. “Have you weighed yourself since Friday?”
Haley groaned. Ever since her return, the newly reformed and nearly unrecognizable Micah had made it her mission in life to keep Haley happy and healthy in spite of the unprecedented onslaught of work that plagued her. With both the Consolidated and Stirjon accounts imploding simultaneously, Haley had been living in her office, returning to her apartment only to shower and sleep. Micah had been making sure that Haley always had something to eat, stocking the apartment fridge and even bringing lunch to the office, but Haley’s OB appointment the previous Monday had raised Micah’s game to a whole new level.
“Do not groan at me,” Micah fired back. “Haley, I’m worried about you. You should be worried about you. Even if you weren’t pregnant, you couldn’t possibly keep up this pace. But as of yesterday you are twenty weeks pregnant, and you are losing weight. And for your blood pressure to be creeping up, too—” her voice broke off. Micah’s brow was deeply furrowed, but no tears filled her eyes. Only consternation. “I know you’re busy at work. You’re always busy at work. But something else is going on with you.” Her voice gentled. “You seem so sad all the time, Haley. It’s not like you at all. And frankly, it’s starting to scare me.”
Hot tears threatened Haley’s own eyes. She was so very tired. At some point day and night, weekday and weekend, had all begun to coalesce into one endless stretch of obligation and misery. She was able to function at work. It was during her relatively rare hours at home that her brain and body both seemed to shut down, fatigued beyond endurance. And Micah was right. She had been busy and sleep deprived before. But she had never felt so wretched.
“The baby is fine, Micah,” Haley reminded, attempting to calm her sister’s angst. “The doctor said so.”
Micah’s jaw muscles clenched. If steam really did come out of people’s ears, her head would look like a teapot. “Dammit, Haley!” she fumed. “I am not just worried about the baby! I’m worried about you!”
Haley wiped her eyes. “I know that,” she whispered. “I’m sorry.”
Micah rose from the table, took Haley’s hands, and led to her to her couch, where they sat together. Ever since the ominous OB appointment, Micah had been coming to Haley’s apartment every morning and every evening delivering food, doing laundry, tidying up, and generally making herself useful in any way she could. Haley found her sister’s babying nearly intolerable at first, but as time went on she had become too exhausted to resist. What Micah didn’t realize was that her wrap-around services were actually encouraging Haley to spend more time working, when she would otherwise be knocking off early to do those same tasks herself. Most of them, anyway.
“Talk to me,” Micah pleaded. “Something happened to you in Alaska, didn’t it? You keep insisting that it was wonderful, that everything was beautiful, that it ‘restored your soul.’ You do not seem ‘restored’ to me. You seem depressed. What am I missing, Haley?”
Ben.
A stray tear spilled onto Haley’s cheek. I miss Ben. She swiped at the tear, avoiding Micah’s eyes. She’d had no communication with him at all since she’d left. And she still wasn’t sure why not. She thought of him almost constantly. His face was always in her mind — the twinkle in his hazel eyes, the way his dimples popped when he grinned, the merry rumbling of his laughter. But when the wood-paneled walls of Merriweather, Falstaff, and Tynes closed in around her, he seemed to belong to another world. Alaska, the mountains, the cabins… none of it seemed real anymore.
She had tried to bring it back, and to some extent, she had succeeded. Whenever she felt herself teetering on the edge — when she was about to lose her temper over someone else’s incompetence, or to despair at being blamed for things she couldn’t control — she would close her eyes, breathe deeply, and watch the porpoises bow-riding. Or the humpback breaching. Or the glacier calving or the panoramic view from the hike or the brown black bear crossing the road. She felt better then. For those precious seconds, she was transported and she was soothed, and for a while thereafter she felt able to cope better. But missing Alaska was one thing. Missing the feel of Ben Parker’s arms around her was another.
“Alaska was wonderful,” she attempted to explain. “My memories of it are about the only thing keeping me sane right now. I just wish they were more than memories. I needed more time there, Micah, and I got cheated. That’s all.”
Liar. Haley chastised herself, not for the first time, for the omission. She had told Micah nothing about Ben. Why she felt so compelled to keep the secret, she could not explain even to herself. She clutched her memories of him tightly to her heart, as if she feared that by sharing, she could lose them. Or perhaps she feared Micah would trivialize her feelings — making cracks about “summer loving” and deriding him as no more than a vacation fling. Whatever the psychology behind it, Haley’s mouth stayed shut.
“Well, we’ll just have to make sure you get back there sometime,” Micah insisted. “I told you I’m perfectly fine with keeping Uncle Randy’s property. It’s not like either one of us was looking for a windfall. We didn’t even know we were in the will! In fact, Tim and I talked about it, and we want you to have the title outright. He’s going to contact the executor and see how to go about signing my share over.”
Haley was startled. “Micah, I don’t know the specifics yet, but property values in Seward can run pretty high. I can’t just let you—”
“You can and you will,” Micah ordered. “You obviously love the place. Do you think we can put a price on what it means to us for you to sacrifice your body for nine months? Now shut up already!”
Haley managed a grin. “You just begged me to talk to you.”
Micah grinned back. “So I did. It’s good to see you smile, Haley.”
Haley did feel a bit better, suddenly. She would own all her uncle’s property, including the back acres. Ben would be happy about that. He could trek around back there all he wanted, now. As long as he carried his bear spray. She would extract a promise about that.
Micah leaned forward suddenly and hugged her. “I like to see you happy,” she said as she released her. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go lavish some attention on my wonderful husband. You need anything else before I leave?”
Haley shook her head, still smiling. The irrational, frantic, childlike Micah that had taken over her sister’s identity during what they now referred to as “the prenatal testing hell” had disappeared. The woman before her wasn’t the old Micah, either. She was a new, more confident and more capable version. Her maternal instincts had most definitely kicked in.
“I’m fine,” Haley insisted. “Maybe I’ll even have that protein shake later.”
Micah smiled. “And then straight to bed, okay? You’ve skipped the last two weekends entirely, and the next one is five days away still. Don’t forget that Tim and I are kidnapping you for a mystery outing on Sunday. And we mean all day. No excuses. If I have to, I’ll call your boss and tell him you have chicken pox or whooping cough or something even more embarrassing. Understood?”
Haley gave her sister a salute, and Micah gathered up her things and departed. For a long time afterwards Haley remained motionless on the couch, staring at the cell phone on her end table.
You could call him.
A stab of pain assaulted her middle, and her hand went to her abdomen. The baby bump was bigger now, but the pain hadn’t come from Fred. It was missing Ben that made her stomach ache.
Why hadn’t she called him? Or texted? Or emailed? Her brain made another attempt to separate the endless stretch of time into days. She had left Alaska on a Thursday night. Today was a Monday. It had been almost three weeks now.
Three weeks! How many times had she stared at her computer, open
ed a new email, blinked at the bare screen, and closed it again? How many times had she clicked on his name in her contact list, looked at the graphic icon of a faceless, generic head and declined to hit ‘call?’ How could she miss him so terribly much and yet feel so far away from him?
Phones, keyboards, computers… she knew that he was reachable through them all. Catching him on either of his phones at any given time would be a long shot, but he did check voicemail and email. There was no reason she couldn’t send him something. She could even hear his voice again. It would not take that much effort.
Still, Haley didn’t move. What could she even say to him? What promise could she make? There was no way in hell she could take enough time off from work to get back to Alaska before he left. Would he understand that? Or would he think she didn’t care? She dreamed of going to see him in Hawaii later in the fall, but in her dreams she was not waddling around heavily pregnant with somebody else’s kid. The grim truth was that she had nothing to offer the man. Not now. Not until next year, after the baby was born. And even then, how could they truly be together unless he was willing to give up his whole way of living for her? And why the hell should he, when she couldn’t imagine herself being willing to do the same?
She fell over sideways on the couch and closed her eyes. He had not contacted her, either, and she was not sure of the significance of that. There would be nothing stopping him, if he was so inclined. God knew that if either of his numbers had popped up on her phone she would have answered immediately, no matter what else she was doing. But the way they had left things, the ball was in her court. She was the one who had done the leaving. She was the one who was supposed to try to come back. She was the one who had thrown the brakes on their relationship in the first place. And while he had been willing to play by her rules, he had never left her in any doubt that he wanted more.