by Susanne Beck
"She believed in you," Critter added, her body still wracked with sobs. "Even when the rest of us had given up, she still believed."
Closing my eyes for a very long moment, I gingerly moved my head, ignoring its outraged screaming, and wormed an arm free of my lover’s desperate grip. Reaching up, I trailed my fingers across her icy cheek until I could cup her chin and turn her head toward my own. "Ice," I whispered, willing her eyes to open.
Her face was a tragedy’s mask, set in harsh lines of grief. Her eyes and jaw were tightly clenched. Her nostrils flared as her breath came in quick pants.
"Ice," I whispered again, stroking her jaw. "Look at me. Please."
I continued my gentle stroking, loving her as best I could and willing her to feel that through the bond we shared. "Please, sweetheart. Please open your eyes."
Whether it was the tone of my voice, or the realization that I was never going to give up until she did as I asked, her lashes finally fluttered open to reveal the deep, stormy blue of her eyes.
There was such a tumultuous wash of emotion in those beautiful eyes, but I could read each one as if it stood out as a beacon for my gaze alone.
Grief.
Pain.
Anguish.
Anger.
Self loathing.
Fear.
And, swirling through all the negative, dark emotions, trapped like a ship battered by a winter storm, was the one thing that I needed to see, more than anything else in this world.
Love.
"Thank you," I said, meaning it from the bottom of my soul and beyond. Though it hurt to smile, I did, so filled with love was I for this woman who’d given everything to save my life, and never gave up.
Ever.
With a mystic’s sight, I could see how trapped she felt; torn between holding me tightly and pulling away, thinking herself undeserving of my gratitude and love.
With a strength I didn’t know I possessed, I drew my fingers along the base of her skull, and pulled her head down even as I raised my own, trying not to wince as fresh pain flared through my head with the motion.
Our lips tangled, and at first, hers were as cold and unyielding as a marble statue. But, just as she never gave up on me, I wasn’t about to let her hide away in whatever dark hell she’d built for herself.
As I’m sure you’ve noticed by now, I’m nothing if not persistent. I kept to my task with a single-minded devotion until finally, after eons had truly passed, I felt her begin to respond. Slowly, tentatively at first, to be sure, but within moments, it was as if I’d released a lion from its cage, all ferocious passion and primal need.
She built an inferno effortlessly within me as my body surged to renewed life with a passion and an intensity that matched her own, need for need, want for want.
There was nothing gentle about this fierce reclaiming of our souls. Nothing tender. Nothing soft or soothing. It was as if we both knew, by some strange metaphysical, karmic fusion, that neither of us could handle that right now.
No, the kiss we shared mingled our anger and our fear, our pain and our loss, our anguish and our love, all melded into a ball of white-hot intensity which flared far brighter and far hotter than any sun in any galaxy you’d care to name.
And when it was over, we were both left bruised and panting, hearts pounding and heads spinning, and locked together more tightly than ever before.
We were home.
The sounds of sirens, still far off but getting closer, served to break the spell. Pony’s apologetic face slipped into my field of vision. "We...um...should start thinking about getting outta here."
It was an amazing thing, I mused, being held in Ice’s arms as she methodically erected her defensive walls one by one. It was almost like watching a rose bloom, but in reverse, the petals closing in protectively to shield the soft heart inside. As I watched, her eyes turned from the stormy, turbulent blue of grief to a flat, steel gray of resolve, a color which perfectly matched the sky above.
As she prepared herself to stand, with me still firmly gathered in her arms, I noticed for the first time the cuts and scratches scattered liberally over the naked areas of her skin, including the deep one right at her hairline which was dripping a slow, thick trail of blood down the side of her face.
I was about to say something, but the look in her eyes warned against it, so instead I concentrated on losing my invalid status. "I... can stand." I think.
The briefest twitch of a raven brow, and then I felt her grip around me loosen as she gently placed me back on my feet.
My knees, traitors that they are, promptly buckled under my weight. The asphalt and I would have once again become rather intimate acquaintances had not Ice’s preternatural strength come to my rescue. Gathering me in her arms once again, she shot me a look which was all business and brooked no arguments on any subject I might care to bring up.
Realizing that there were far worse places in the world to be than in the sure grip of my lover’s arms, I wisely decided against tempting Fate, and simply gave in to the inevitable, leaning my head against her chest in complete surrender.
The barest trace of a smirk ghosted across her face at my antics and we turned toward our sole remaining car with all due haste.
Rio finished tossing her boltcutters and the registration tag from the demolished car into the trunk, then moved to open each door in turn as we approached. Critter helped settle Ice and myself in the back seat, then joined us as Pony, Nia and Rio took up the bench seat in the front.
The sirens drew still nearer as Rio started the engine and managed to maneuver the large sedan around the tall tree which blocked all but the very edge of the oncoming lane of the highway. For a long, terrifying moment, I was sure we were going to take another trip into the canal, but Rio handled the car with the ease of a professional, and before I knew it, we were on our way back to Ice’s safe-house.
* * *
"Angel, lie still! I need to get these wet clothes off of you!"
"I can’t," I replied peevishly, scowling up at Critter as she tried to wrestle me to the mattress. "My chest hurts and it’s hard to breathe if I lay down flat."
Sighing, Critter dragged a hand through her soaking golden hair. Then she grabbed the waistband of my jeans and tugged. "At least lift up so I can get these pants off of you, okay? Ice will kill me if she comes back and you’re still dressed."
"Oh alright," I grumped, slapping her hands away and unbuttoning the jeans myself. As I struggled to pull the wet, clingy fabric off of legs which felt like lead, the effort suddenly became too much and I slumped back against the beat, exhausted beyond reckoning.
To her credit, and though I more than deserved it, she didn’t smirk at me. Instead, her eyes were kind and compassionate as she removed the sodden clothing from my shivering body. As the last piece came free, Ice entered the room, arms laden with towels and a thick comforter which she laid down on the bed. Her face was expressionless as she nodded to Critter, thanking her silently for helping me undress.
Nodding, Critter pointed to the large gash in Ice’s hairline which bleeding sluggishly. "You need to get that looked at."
"Later," my lover replied. Picking up two of the towels, she approached my side of the bed and began drying me off, her touch clinical, yet gentle. Her piercing gaze examined every inch of my body, with the exception of my eyes, which were continually avoided, no matter how much I tried to catch her own.
Soon, I was perfectly dry and well on my way to being warm as well, as Ice carefully tucked me beneath the covers of our bed and covered me with the extra quilt she’d liberated from somewhere. While the silence between us during these mundane tasks should have been comforting, it was anything but. I itched to draw her out, but my tired mind came up blank.
"You...should get out of those wet clothes," I finally managed, my voice soft and hoarse.
With a brief incline of her head, indicating she’d at least heard me, she gathered the wet towels and turned away, her every moveme
nt under tight control as she left the room.
Sighing, I slumped back onto the three pillows Ice had placed behind my head and shoulders to prevent me from lying flat. Fighting against giving in to the overwhelming exhaustion, I tried to keep my eyes open. The stucco’d ceiling above stared down at me complacently, giving me no answers.
Sighing again, I rolled to my side, facing the door and coughing a little as my lungs evidently protested the change in position. Settling down some, I stared into the darkened hallway and willed the woman I loved to appear.
Please, Ice. Don’t shut me out.
As if my thoughts had willed it so, Ice reentered the room, one towel wrapped about her lean hips while the other pushed through the inky mass of her thick hair, drying it. I found myself gasping in horror at the patchwork of deep black bruises which covered her chest and belly to disappear beneath the towel wrapped around her lower body.
Hearing my gasp, my lover froze and followed my gaze, looking down at her own body for a long moment before catching my eyes once again. "They’ll heal," she said softly, resuming her hair-drying task with casual indifference.
The silence hung heavy and thick between us, a white elephant we both pretended not to notice.
Tossing the damp towel down on the bed, she crossed the room in easy strides and crouched over the neatly stacked pile of clothing, rummaging for something clean to wear.
Getting dressed was not something I wanted to have happen. Naked, her body easily telling the tale of the tragedy we’d both survived made her vulnerable in a way that I needed at that moment. To allow her to cover those marks would be tantamount to accepting that this would always lie between us, undiscussed and unfinished. Given the chance, I feared, it would grow and fester if left alone, and that wasn’t something I was about to have happen. Not now. Not ever.
"Ice," I said, in the strongest voice I could manage.
Her broad back stiffened for a moment, reading my plea for exactly what it was.
For a long moment, her next action was a tossup. Would she give in and bare her soul as easily as her body? Or would she ignore me and gird both against revealing the pain in her heart.
I held my breath against the second possibility until spots swum before my eyes.
Relief washed through me in an almost painful wave as her hands finally came away from the pile and she came to her feet with an animal grace which never failed to thrill me. She turned, eyes as shuttered and as guarded as I’d ever seen them.
Smiling wanly, I held out a hand to her, willing her with my heart alone to step forward and take it.
And, after a second which spanned eternity, she did, clasping her warm, strong fingers around my smaller ones in a tender embrace.
Quickly, I made room for her on my side of the bed, and tugged her hand gently, my smile grown broader as she gave in and sat next to me on the bed. I looked up into that breathtakingly beautiful face, memorizing each and every feature for the millionth time since I’d first set eyes upon her, and holding that image closer to my heart than even the blood which ran through it.
"Thank you," I said finally, though my voice was strained and cracked through with emotion. Tears welled up in my eyes and spilled unhindered down my cheeks.
Two simple words, yet they encompassed so much meaning.
Thank you for not running away.
Thank you for saving my life.
Thank you for not giving up on me.
Thank you for loving me.
My lover’s eyes were shiny with their own tears as she looked down at me. Her hand reached out to cup my cheek, one strong thumb wiping away the wetness on my face. "I’m so sorry," she whispered.
Looking into those shattered blue eyes was like taking a knife to the heart.
"No," I whispered, watching as those brilliant eyes slid closed, liberating one solitary tear to roll down her cheek. "Don’t say that, Ice. Don’t ever say that. You fought for me. You brought me back. Don’t ever be sorry for that! You saved me!"
Jaw tightening, her proud head bowed, every line in her body negating my words.
Struggling to a sitting position, I took Ice’s hand from my cheek and clasped it between both of my own, holding it to my chest so she could feel the strong and steady beat of my heart. "Now you listen to me, Ice. What happened today was an accident. Nothing more, nothing less. It wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t Rio’s fault, it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Blaming yourself for it won’t change that fact, and I think you know that."
"If I had sent you back over the border when I got you out of that jail, none of this would ever have happened," Ice replied after a long moment, her voice a low, determined growl.
"Maybe that’s true, Ice," I replied. "But none of this would have happened either if I hadn’t come over the border in the first place. Or if Rio hadn’t taken us to that bar. Or if Nia hadn’t started that fight. Or if she hadn’t had the idea to come down here in the first place. Or any of a million other things that all conspired to put all of us at that place at that time." I clasped her hand tighter, not willing to let go. "Don’t you see? Responsibility for our actions lies with all of us, Ice. You can’t take that on your shoulders, as much as you sometimes seem to want to. You have to let us shoulder some of it too. That’s what being in a partnership is all about, and I don’t know about you, but I kinda like to think we are partners. In every sense of the word."
I could tell she was listening. I could sense it in the minute lessening of the tight coil of her body. I could hear it in the ease of her breathing. I could feel it in the slowing of the rapid pulse beneath my thumb.
Bringing our joined hands up to my lips, I touched a tender kiss to her fingers. "What you did today, Ice, was nothing short of miraculous. The only person who doesn’t see that, or won’t accept it, is you."
Her head raised slowly as her eyes opened, pinning me with glittering sliver. "I’m no hero, Angel."
I smiled. "You don’t know how wrong you are, Ice. You’re a hero to all those women out there. You’re a hero to Pop and to Corinne, and to so many others. You’re a hero to that little boy whose life you saved out on that frozen pond. And, most of all, you’re my hero. You’re the white knight who came riding over the hill when I most needed her. The person who taught me how to stand up for myself and how to fight to be all I can be. The person who believes in my dreams and encourages me to follow them. The person who loves me and allows me to love her in return. The person who would give her last breath to protect me, and who would give up her own life to save mine."
My smile broadened. "That, my love, is a hero. And that’s what you are. To me, and to a whole bunch of people out there. I believe it. They believe it. All you need to do is believe it as well."
Her dark head shook slowly in negation. "I...don’t think I can."
"Sure you can," I replied, grinning and nudging her gently. "That’s why you have me around, remember? To point these things out to you."
That got the smile I was looking for, even if it was just a ghost of the one I really wanted to see. Reaching out, I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, ever mindful of the horrid bruising on her breasts and belly. Not caring in the least, she pulled me to her and buried her face in my hair. "I love you, Angel," she whispered. Her lips brushed against my ear, causing a shiver to run down my spine and back up again.
"I love you too, Ice. More and more each day."
Leaning back, I managed to lay both of us down on the bed with my lover’s head pillowed against my breast. It was a wonderful feeling, getting to hold her like that, and I fell asleep with a smile on my face.
PART 9
PNEUMONIA CAME CALLING, as I knew it would, setting up residence in my chest, throat and head. I don’t remember much about those long days and longer nights, especially since I spent most of them viewing the world through a haze of fevered delirium. What I do remember is that every time I opened my eyes, Ice was there to cool my fever, ease my aches, calm my cough, an
d love me through it all.
I also remember my fever breaking fully for the final time, leaving me incredibly clear-headed and incredibly exhausted. I remember turning my head on a sweat-soaked pillow, and looking down to see one of Ice’s hands clasped so tightly in my own that I’d wondered if I’d cut off her fingers’ circulation with my obvious death-clutch. She’d been sitting in a chair pulled up to the bed, and her head was resting on the mattress next to my hip. Her deep, even breathing proclaimed her fast asleep.
Smiling slightly, and a little teary-eyed, I reached with my free hand and laid the most tender of touches to her dark, bowed head, relishing the feel of her thick, silky hair beneath my fingers. "I love you," I whispered on the smallest of breaths, pleased I could do so without coughing.
Her head snapped up quickly, her eyes fully awake and fully aware as they came to rest on my face. After a moment, those magnificent eyes warmed and softened, and my entire world became the look in them.
If the essence of love could be distilled into just one thing, it would be the color of her eyes when she looks at me that way.
"Hey," she said softly, her voice rough from sleep.
"Hey yourself," I replied, grinning as if my face would break. Reaching up, I tangled a lock of her hair around my finger.
"How do you feel?"
"I feel...good."
And it was true. Every word.
How could I have felt any differently, wrapped up as I was in her love for me?
"You don’t look so good, though," I said, gently tugging the lock of hair I held.
A ghost of her cocky grin came over a too-pale face. "I’m fine."
"Nothing a year’s worth of sleep wouldn’t cure, huh?" I teased.
"Nah," she replied, gently grasping the hand which held her hair and kissing my fingers before pulling away and standing. "Let me go get some dry sheets so you’re not laying in a pool."
I nodded, accepting her need for some distance. An exhausted Ice was a brittle Ice, and I knew I’d probably gone one step too far in teasing her about her own state of health. Still, I had the feeling that once I was in a dry bed, I could convince her to lay down with me and rest. Especially if I told her it would help me rest better.