That’s why she needed to talk with Meredith. Claire’s speed increased as she walked exactly six steps one way, turned, and stepped six paces the other way. She didn’t mean to count, but behind her thoughts, concerns, questions, she heard the numbers: one, two, three, four, five, six—turn—one, two…
There wasn’t a clock in the drab room. As she truly looked around, there was nothing. No pictures, no personal items, nothing that gave the room her personality. Claire wondered how long she’d been there… two, three, four, five, six—turn… The only indication of time was the gray in her hair, and what did that tell her? … five, six—turn… one…
Claire heard the door open. She wanted to look, but what if it wasn’t Meredith? She wasn’t prepared to speak with anyone else.
“Hi, Claire, it’s me, Meredith.”
She wanted to turn, but she was only on two. Claire waited until it was time to turn. That was a better time to break the cycle; however, by the time the voice behind her thoughts said turn, Meredith was talking again, “…when I got here. They told me you were all right after our late night. I think that was their way of reminding me not to do that again. They also said there’d been no changes with you.”
Claire turned toward Meredith’s voice. She wanted to look up and see her friend’s eyes. No, she didn’t want to see Meredith’s eyes. She wanted to see Tony’s. As she forced her glance toward Meredith’s face, she saw dark blue irises. Her knees weakened. It wasn’t the dark brown she sought, but it was color! For so long, there’d been no color. Inhaling deeply, she smelled the food that Meredith had placed on the table. If she ate it fast, they could go outside. If they went outside, she could ask her questions. It was too risky talking in here.
“Why, Claire? Why haven’t they noticed any changes?”
She didn’t answer; instead, she walked to the table, uncovered the dish, found her silverware, and began eating. Each bite she took faster and faster.
“Slow down; I can’t have you choking on my watch. I’m already on probation for our late night escapades.”
It wasn’t funny. Claire knew she was supposed to be concerned about appearances. Following rules and behaving was essential for appearances; however, listening to Meredith talk about breaking rules made her smile. It was either that, or the blue in her eyes. All the people around the facility wore white scrubs. Well, except for Emily, the doctors, and therapists. Suddenly, more than food, Claire wanted color. Wasn’t that an odd request? Maybe that was what being crazy was all about, seeing things differently and wanting things that others didn’t realize were gone.
When her plate was clean, Claire stood and went to the closet for her jacket. The voice that had been counting told her to look down. She knew to obey; disobeying could have negative consequences, but hadn’t Meredith just been talking about breaking rules? Shyly, Claire lifted her eyes. There was Meredith watching her. Before she could stop it, her lips morphed into a smile. The rush was intoxicating. The voice would be mad; however, if Tony wasn’t going to visit anymore, Claire wanted to talk with her friend.
Meredith asked, “Do you want to walk by yourself?” The panic in Claire’s eyes was enough of an answer. Meredith gently tucked Claire’s hand into the crook of her arm and led her toward the outside. As she did, she spoke calmly about the weather and the changing leaves. The entire trip down the corridor, through the multiple doors, along the perimeter of the cafeteria, Claire kept her eyes downcast and walked in step.
Dr. Fairfield had instructed the staff to be less accommodating, to wait and see if Claire would recognize her needs, and then ask to have them fulfilled. In Claire’s excitement to go outdoors, Meredith noticed she’d forgotten the sunglasses. That was all right, Meredith had remembered. As they walked toward the outside doors, Meredith wondered if she should’ve waited for Claire to ask to go outside; however, it seemed that when Claire got her own jacket, it was more of a request than she’d previously made. Dr. Fairfield may not agree, but to Meredith it was enough of a request to propel Meredith to walk the ends of the earth if Claire so desired.
When they stepped into the courtyard, Claire lifted her face and momentarily basked in the sunshine. At that moment, she opened her eyes and immediately closed them. Turning her face toward Meredith, Claire’s eyes made the unspoken request. The friend in her wanted to reach in her pocket and hand her the glasses; instead, she contemplated this being her last chance to help Claire and placed her hand over Claire’s and walked forward. When Claire’s steps stopped, Meredith asked, “What’s the matter? I thought you wanted to go for a walk.”
Claire kept her eyes half open and half shut. That action should’ve been enough to tell Meredith what she needed; however, instead of helping, Meredith continued walking. When Claire didn’t move, Meredith said, “If there’s something you need, just ask.”
Oh, Claire had heard that before; she knew this routine. She also reasoned, if Meredith was using Tony’s words, it couldn’t be against Tony’s rules to ask. Nearing her friend’s ear, she whispered, “Sunglasses.”
Claire then remembered Tony’s requirements from a long time ago. He’d never acquiesce to one word. If Claire wanted something she needed to ask—in the form of a request. Just now, she hadn’t asked. Looking from side to side, being sure no one was listening, she cleared her throat and proceeded, “Did you bring them?” “Can” “I” “please” “wear them?” Her words didn’t truly form a sentence, more phrases glued together with silence.
Meredith didn’t answer. She reached into the pocket of her white scrubs and removed the sunglasses. Once again, Claire let her smile shine and reached for the glasses. Although Meredith didn’t require it, after they’d walked a short distance, Claire said, “Thank you.”
It was the most she’d said, or wanted to say since before she could remember. By the time they reached the far side of the courtyard, Claire was ready to ask the question she knew would take away her happiness.
Although the sun was bright, the breeze blew with cooler gusts than the day before. It didn’t bother Claire. She actually appreciated it. The colder weather kept others from going outside; they were alone in this remote area of the grounds. Looking down, Claire summoned the little bit of strength she’d acquired throughout the day. She’d silently practiced her question a hundred different ways. In her mind, it started with an eloquent preamble. Now that the opportunity was present, she blurted the words she could no longer contain, “Is Nichol… dead?”
Before Meredith could respond, the counting voice came back loud and clear. Claire had to obey; it was the only way to make it quiet.
Meredith momentarily stared. Why would Claire think Nichol was dead? Her heart broke. Hadn’t Emily told her anything?
The focused, smiling woman evaporated before her eyes. Claire began pacing, her eyes seeing something no one else could. Meredith reached for her arm. This time, she didn’t back down when the determined expression turned toward her, she answered Claire’s question, “No! Claire, your daughter’s alive! She’s beautiful and healthy.”
Claire collapsed into Meredith’s embrace. Burying her face into Meredith’s lapel, she willingly accepted her friend’s comfort. Trying to quiet the counting, Claire concentrated on Meredith’s words. Slowly, they morphed from words to a murmur and back to words. Yes, she’d missed some of what Meredith had said, but now she was listening, “…brown hair and beautiful brown eyes. Emily and John have been taking care of her. Claire you should be so proud.”
Timidly, she faced the reality of her insanity. If that wasn’t an oxymoron she didn’t know what was. Wiping her eyes on the tissue Meredith offered, Claire asked, “How old? I can’t remember” “how long I’ve been here?” Fighting the tears she added, “I just don’t know” “It’s blurry.”
Holding Claire’s hands, Meredith answered, “She’ll be three in December.” With a look of concern, she added, “This is September.”
It was as if the wind had been knocked from Claire’s chest. Tw
o years! She’d missed two years of her daughter’s life. Her knees buckled, and Claire sunk to the ground. This time, Meredith didn’t instruct her to rise. No, she too moved to the cold, hard earth and sat knee to knee.
“I can’t imagine what you’re thinking. I’ve only seen her a few times. Emily and John seem to be doing a great job. They’ve also worked very hard to keep her out of the public eye.” Claire feigned a smile as tears coated her cheeks, and she nodded. Meredith continued, “They’ve done a very good job taking care of you, too.”
“Why hasn’t” “anyone mentioned her” “or To—” Claire couldn’t make herself say his name aloud.
“We aren’t allowed to say anything about your previous life, which includes names.”
“Whose rules?” “The doctors’?”
“They thought that they were helping you.”
Claire sat quietly and thought pensively about her family. That family was now with her sister and brother-in-law. She wouldn’t ask about Tony. She couldn’t bear to hear the truth of what she’d done. Why else would they lock her up in this place? “Thank you” “For being honest” “with me.”
Smiling, Meredith answered, “Thank you for talking to me. I’m not sorry that I’ve broken their rules, if it’s helped you.”
Claire nodded. “I want to be better. I’m not sure what’s real and what’s not.” She looked back toward the ground. It hadn’t rained in some time, and below the blades of grass the earth was cracked. “If I tell you something” “You’ll think I’m crazy” Claire giggled. “But then, I am” “aren’t I?”
Meredith squeezed Claire’s hand, “Sometimes I wonder who’s really sane. What do you want to tell me?”
“Up until a short time ago” “he’d come visit me.”
Meredith didn’t know what to say. She knew that was impossible. Claire must have imagined his visits. Meredith also believed this confession would be better shared with a doctor or a therapist. Perhaps her departure would be beneficial and force Claire to talk to the appropriate people. Meredith didn’t comment. Instead, she nodded.
Claire continued, “He didn’t come to that room” “We’d be in other places” Her voice momentarily hardened. “I don’t like that room” “No color!”
Meredith smiled, “I agree. Why don’t you tell Emily you want color?”
Although her eyes were covered with the sunglasses, whose need with the setting of the sun had diminished by each minute, they became terrified at the mention of telling Emily.
Meredith soothed, “You don’t have to talk to anyone you don’t want to. I won’t say anything. You decide when you’re ready to talk to the others. I know when you do, they’ll be thrilled.”
Claire’s breathing calmed. “Maybe just you, right now?” “You’re the only one who says his name.”
“What can I say, I’m a bad influence. I’ve never been good at following rules.”
Claire turned away, her voice was only a whisper. “I’ve been too good.”
That night, Meredith returned Claire to her room before the alarms sounded and the reinforcements came. She debated telling Claire about her impending meeting. Her good sense told her to stay quiet. The poor woman had dealt with enough, but as she was about to say good night, Meredith worried what Claire would think that when she didn’t return, it was because she didn’t want to. And since there was a chance that tomorrow morning, she’d be escorted from Everwood in police custody, Meredith couldn’t allow Claire to think she’d abandoned her.
Looking around the colorless room, Meredith made a promise to herself. If by some miracle she made it through tomorrow, she’d buy Claire pictures, drapes, and a bedspread with color.
“Claire, what’s your favorite color?”
Claire hadn’t spoken since they returned to the facility. Meredith wasn’t sure why, but it seemed that Claire wasn’t as comfortable speaking within the walls of Everwood, as she had been out on the grounds. Meredith watched as Claire walked into the bathroom and reached for her toothbrush. Returning, she handed it to Meredith and smiled a sly smile: the handle was pink. Understanding her unspoken word, Meredith nodded and asked, “Can you please put this back?”
When Claire was within the bathroom, Meredith followed close behind. To reassure her friend, Meredith spoke in more of a whisper, “I don’t think your room is monitored. If it were, I think I’d already be in trouble for discussing Tony.” Claire’s change of expression made Meredith reconsider, finally, she pressed on, “Please let me talk. I don’t have much time. They’ll wonder where I am.”
Claire nodded.
“Tomorrow, I have a meeting with your lead doctor and your sister and brother-in-law.”
Claire’s eyes widened.
“Don’t worry, I won’t tell them what you’ve accomplished. Remember, I told you Emily has done a great job keeping you and Nichol out of the public eye?”
Claire very slightly nodded.
Meredith hurried on, “I know you remember that I’m a reporter.” Quickly she added, “I’m not here to do a story. I’m here because I want to help you, but Emily doesn’t know that I’m here. I may have lied about a few things to get this job. When Emily and John find out I’ve been with you for the last few months—”
Claire’s eyes widened again.
Meredith seized her hand. “Yes, Claire, it’s been months. When they learn who I am, and that I lied, I won’t be allowed back to see you.”
Claire’s new expression of terror broke Meredith’s heart.
Meredith continued, her words still forming rapidly, “I’m so sorry. Please keep working, and be honest with your family. They love you.”
Claire’s voice was barely audible as she asked, “When?” “When’s your meeting?”
“Early tomorrow morning.” Shrugging her shoulders, Meredith added, “By the time you finish your breakfast, I might be in police custody.” Standing tall, she continued, “I’m only telling you so you know that I didn’t abandon you. No matter where I am, I’m thinking about you.” Placing her hands on her friend’s shoulders, she added, “Claire, I know you’ll continue to get better and soon you’ll be with Nichol.”
Before she gave into the emotions demanding her recognition, Meredith turned away. In her most even voice, she called, “Good night, Claire. Please know that I have faith in you.”
The tears didn’t begin until she was safely down the hall from Claire’s room.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.
—Josh Billings
Sea foam green walls with pink, blue, and yellow puffy wall-hangings adorned the small nursery attached to their bedroom. Compared to the nursery they planned back at the estate in Iowa, it was quite small; nonetheless, it was ready for their arrival. The cradle, baby crib, changing table, and rocking chair were all handmade by local craftsmen, giving the nursery a bit of island flair. The linens and colorful wall decorations, as well as most of the clothes, diapers, and necessities were ordered from around the world. Without a doubt, it was a room fit for a little prince or princess.
When their baby decided to play shy and not reveal its sex, Tony and Claire made the decision to wait. Not knowing if they were having a boy or girl added to their anticipation and daily discussions. Sometimes they’d talk about the advantages of a daughter and then later proclaim the advantages of a son. It was entertaining to listen as Tony considered the possibilities of a little girl, one who would grow into a young lady. Claire pitied the young man who one day would show up at their door to take their daughter on a date. Without a doubt, both Claire and Tony knew how men could behave. If memories of his treatment of Claire upset Tony, the idea that someone could do that to his child was beyond his comprehension. Without a doubt, impending fatherhood had changed his perspective. That time of their life, their past, was something Claire didn’t want to discuss or remember. Unfortunately, it was the topic of discussion all over the world. Despite th
e best efforts of Rawlings attorneys Meredith’s book had been recently published and was selling like crazy.
Claiming sole access to Claire’s firsthand account, the publisher used Tony and Claire’s current disappearance to its advantage. Since its release, My Life as It Didn’t Appear had found permanent residence on both the New York Times and USA Today bestseller lists. Almost daily, Claire regretted her decision to go public with their past. One day she’d need to explain to their child how she and his father met. She only prayed it wouldn’t be until after their child was much older.
Another subject they rarely discussed was Tony’s deal with the FBI. With her due date rapidly approaching, Claire upset easily. Sometimes she’d snap; more often than not, she’d cry. No matter her reaction, Claire didn’t want to consider the possibility of Tony’s incarceration. She admired his strength and resolve and knew that facing his demons wasn’t easy for him. On the nights when she’d awaken and he’d be gone, she knew he was wrestling unknown emotion he’d never before faced. Some nights, he sat on the lanai or walked the beach alone. At first, during these times, Claire tried to approach him. Though he never fully explained his state of mind, she believed it was more his inability to verbalize his new rush of feelings, than his unwillingness to share. His confessions were not only earth-shattering to her, but in some ways, to him. He’d distanced himself so much from the human aspect of what transpired, that facing it was difficult; nevertheless, when she woke to an empty bed, Claire believed Tony was working through another situation that only he could fully comprehend. She willingly gave him his space.
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