She was in the kitchen setting two places at the breakfast bar when he arrived. She didn’t hear him enter, but she knew he was there. It was a feeling, a connection, alerting her to his presence. Looking up from the silverware, she saw him in the doorway. She wasn’t sure how long he’d been there, but his eyes were as black as the country moonless night beyond the glass wall. Helplessly, she stood before him. Time momentarily stood still as his gaze devoured her. It wasn’t just her appearance as he scanned her up and down: it was her soul. With each tick of the clock, it slipped further and further away. He already owned it. He’d taken it years ago. She waited to see if he planned to keep and treasure it, or discard it—like yesterday’s news.
When he didn’t speak, she walked toward him, drawn by an invisible pull. Her body ached for his touch. From the look on his face, she believed the feeling was mutual. When she was mere inches away, he said, “I got you a salad. I forgot to ask what you wanted.”
Her heart sank. His voice didn’t match his gaze. Dejectedly, she replied, “A salad is fine,” and turned away.
Claire had thought the years of separation while in Everwood were unbearable. That was nothing compared to the pain of having him in front of her, yet inaccessible.
During the drive to Emily’s, they calmly, too calmly, discussed their separation. After some debate, they both agreed to keep it temporarily concealed. The Vandersols wouldn’t understand, and the charade would be easier on Nichol. They planned to ease her into it, after she moved to the estate. Claire’s hands began to tremble as they pulled up to the Vandersols’ home. Surprisingly, Tony reached over and covered hers with his. It was the first contact since the balcony. His tone was kind and reassuring. “It’ll be all right.”
She didn’t move or attempt reciprocation; instead, she enjoyed the sensation of his warm touch and replied honestly, “I’m scared. What if she doesn’t want us?”
“She will.”
Turning toward him, she asked, “I haven’t even asked: have you seen her?”
He shook his head. “No, pictures are all. I was just released yesterday, and she was never brought to me. It was probably better. A little girl shouldn’t be visiting her father in a federal prison camp.”
Claire looked at him in surprise. “Yesterday? And you’ve accomplished all of this?”
“Like I said, I had help. I’ve been planning my release for some time.”
She looked back down at his hand on her lap as her neck straightened. “And our divorce, how long have you been planning that?”
Pulling his hand away, he rebuked, “Claire, not now. Let’s not go back there.”
A new thought came to her mind. With it came fire that instantly dried her once moist eyes. She suddenly needed to know the answer to a burning question. “Is there someone else?”
“What?”
“Is. There. Someone. Else?!”
“No!” His volume rose. “I told you, I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you.”
“Well, you obviously don’t want me! And you’re Anthony Rawlings. You were in prison and your wife was crazy; nevertheless, you’re still Anthony Rawlings. You would eventually get out of prison, but your wife would always be crazy. I bet there were letters of devotion, propositions, and proposals.”
“Claire, our daughter is waiting.”
Sudden rage boiled within her. While she’d been living in a fantasy world, was he communicating with another woman or women? The intensity of her stare grew as she asked again, “I’ve already asked this once, don’t make me ask again. Is there someone else?”
“Claire, calm down.”
Her hand contacted his arrogant expression. Tony stared in disbelief as he seized her fingers. “What the hell was that?”
“You never answer my questions. Tell me, were there letters? Did women write to you promising anything you wanted, all for the chance to take my place?”
“You’re getting yourself all worked up. Calm down. Nichol is waiting.”
She glared as her voice lowered. “I deserve to know.”
“Yes.” His eyes glowed in the illumination of the dashboard. “Are you happy?” His growl deepened as he continued to painfully hold her seized hand. “There were letters. I didn’t respond. I don’t give a damn about anyone, anyone but you. Hell, I even—”
Claire’s heart raced. She waited for him to finish his sentence; instead, he released her hand and turned away. She prodded, “You even what?”
“We’ll finish this discussion another time.” It wasn’t debatable. He’d said more than he’d wanted, and he wasn’t saying any more. That conversation was done. “Now, do you plan to join me, or do you plan to sit in the car all evening?”
Rubbing the fingers of her right hand, she replied, “I plan to join you.”
When Emily met them at the door, they wore the masks of the perfect smiling couple. It was all right: Emily wore a mask too. “We told Nichol she had some special guests coming to see her.” Despite Emily’s show of strength, Claire heard the sorrow in her sister’s voice.
Walking into the living room, they both stopped when Nichol came into view. Without thinking, Claire grasped Tony’s hand. Once she realized her action, she quickly let go, thankful that he hadn’t pulled away.
The last time they saw their daughter, she had been less than three months old. The little girl before them was nearly three years old, and the most beautiful child Claire could ever recall seeing, even prettier than her pictures. Her wavy, brown hair, held back with barrettes, framed her beautiful face. Her thick dark lashes fluttered as big brown eyes peered upward. She’d been sitting on the floor playing with a dollhouse when she turned to see Aunt Em’s friends.
Claire knelt to the ground, afraid to get too close, afraid of scaring her daughter away. Mustering her confidence, she said, “Hello, Nichol.”
Their daughter stood and stared. Claire marveled at her perfect, petite body. Finally, John stepped forward, and Nichol reached for his hand. “Nichol,” John said. “Can you say hi to the friends we told you about?”
“Hi.”
Tony knelt beside Claire. Is it possible for a heart to melt and break at the same time? Claire reached out, and Nichol’s small fingers shook Claire’s hand. Their daughter asked, “Who are you?”
Tony laughed. “Direct, isn’t she?”
With a snicker, Emily replied, “Very. I can’t imagine where she gets it.”
“Nichol, my name is Claire.” She hesitated. “But you can call me Mom.”
Nichol’s eyes grew wide as she peered from Claire to Tony. Finally, she asked, “Are you my daddy?”
“I am.”
They all waited. Dropping John’s grasp, she stepped forward and touched a small hand to each of their cheeks. Claire closed her eyes and savored her daughter’s touch. Instantly, Claire understood their daughter’s actions. It was the same thing she did when Tony arrived at Everwood: touching him, verifying that he was real. Claire reached up and covered Nichol’s hand with hers. “We’re really here, honey, and we’re so sorry we’ve been gone.”
Nichol smiled, her big brown eyes lightening. “I knew one day you’d come. Aunt Em said you were sick, and when you got better, you’d be here. Are you better?”
Fighting back the tears, Claire answered, “Yes, I’m much better. Nichol, can we hug you?”
Lowering her little hands to their shoulders, she nodded. For a few seconds, their family was whole; then without warning, Nichol released her parents and rushed to her cousin. It was the first time Claire had noticed the little blond boy hugging Emily’s legs. She was about to say something about Michael when Nichol announced, “Mikey, know what? I have a mommy and daddy too!” Looking up to Emily, Nichol asked, “Does that mean they’re Mikey’s aunt and uncle, like you and Uncle John?”
Emily and Claire’s eyes met. Emily replied, “Yes, honey, it does. Michael, this is Mommy’s sister, your Aunt Claire.” She hesitated as Tony and Claire stood. “And—your Uncle Tony.�
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The children couldn’t hear the anguish in Emily’s voice. At least, Claire prayed they didn’t, but she could. They all knew what a long road this had been. Claire put out her hand. “Hello, Michael, I’m so glad to meet you.”
Michael took her hand and smiled bashfully. John’s voice filled the otherwise quiet room. “Kids, if it wasn’t for your Uncle Tony, we wouldn’t be here.”
The blood rushed from Claire’s face as she looked to Tony and back to John. Suddenly, it was six years earlier, and Claire feared John’s next words. It wasn’t that she feared for herself or possible consequences. Claire was tired of conflict. She only wanted for her family to co-exist without confrontations. John continued, “Before you were born, Michael, Uncle Tony saved your mom and me from a fire. If he hadn’t done that then you wouldn’t be here, either.”
Nichol’s eyes widened. “Really? You did that?” She added, “Daddy.”
“Wow!” Michael gasped as he looked up at his new uncle.
It was a first step, a baby step, but progress nonetheless. Claire’s eyes glistened as she mouthed thank you to John. She couldn’t recall a more congenial gathering with her family, all of her family. The addition of children not only brought joy to their individual lives, it provided a new bond to hold them together. Pensively, she wished it had done the same for her and Tony.
The first morning that Claire woke in her new home, she lay staring at the ceiling. It had happened again. In a twenty-four hour period, her life had once again taken an abrupt turn. New cards and new decisions. She was free, from Everwood, from everyone. Tony made sure of that. He provided her with the means necessary to do anything she ever wanted. She had access to Nichol. It wasn’t full access, but that would come with time. As Claire recalled their brief family hug, her heart ached.
From the time she learned that Tony was alive, she’d imagined the perfect reunion. For a couple of hours, it was her reality. The way Tony fought for her release from Everwood fit perfectly into her knight-in-shining-armor fantasy. She wished the few seconds in Emily’s living room would have gone on forever. If they had, if their story ended right there, she could’ve had her happily ever after.
Tossing on the soft sheets, Claire looked out to the bright morning sky, through the giant wall of glass. She wondered what happened to those fairy tale couples after the last page. Was happily ever after even obtainable? Her new life wasn’t terrible. She’d take the cards she’d been dealt and try to make the best out of it. After all, that’s how she’d survived until now. As a young girl, she’d never dreamt of wealth, yet she had more money than she could ever spend. Fame? She never wanted it and detested having it. What had she wanted out of life? What requests had she made?
Her mind slipped back through the years to a cold, snowy day. Wrapped in Tony’s arms, in his suite, in front of a warm blazing fire, she made requests: access to her own invitations, the ability to contact her sister, to leave the estate whenever she wanted, and for Tony to contact her directly. She had it all. Her new home came with a laptop and tablet. Emily wasn’t just reachable: she’d be visiting her each night. In the garage Claire had two vehicles: a car and a SUV, safer for when she drove Nichol. She also had access to a driver whenever she desired. Lastly, the cell phone near her bed was available to anyone who wanted to call. Thinking about the new house, there weren’t any requests Claire could recall that Tony hadn’t delivered. Even the tall windows and sunlight throughout the house were fulfillments of promises made. He’d provided everything she ever wanted—except him. On that cold, snowy day she didn’t realize what she had. Perhaps no one ever does until it’s gone.
Forcing herself to move, Claire got out of bed. She would move forward, one step at a time. She’d almost folded once. That wouldn’t happen again.
As the days went by, Claire lived for her visits with Nichol. She anxiously anticipated her daughter’s move onto the estate. In the meantime, Claire decided if she were to oversee a 6,000-acre estate, then she needed to know her staff. It was much easier than her first move to this property. This time, she was the mistress of the house, not some woman being held prisoner in the upstairs suite. The entire staff was new. The only original remaining member of Tony’s staff was Eric, and he worked for Tony, not Claire. Since Tony always drove to see Nichol, Claire rarely saw Eric.
Each evening after dinner, Tony would pick Claire up at the estate and drive to the Vandersols. In the beginning, everyone was present. With time, John, Emily, and Michael made excuses to leave Tony, Claire, and Nichol alone. It was as the child psychologist predicted: day by day, Nichol’s comfort level with her parents increased. After their visits, Tony would take Claire back to the estate and go to his apartment. There was no reason to discuss or argue. The decision was made, and the conversation was over.
After a week, the Vandersols brought Nichol to the estate. It didn’t take long for her to find the treasure of toys and clothes awaiting her in her new room. The psychologist recommended one more week of visits before the final move. Nichol seemed to be adapting well.
Two staff positions remained open on the estate which Tony asked Claire to fill personally. The first was a nanny. Over the course of many days, Claire interviewed potential caregivers. Finally, she decided on a younger woman named Shannon. Granted, the grandmotherly types were experienced, but each one reminded her of Catherine in some way. She felt much better with Shannon.
The second position Claire needed to fill was the head of the estate’s security. At first, Claire protested about the need. Tony reassured her there had always been a security team on the estate. Regardless of a decreased threat level, people in their position were always in need of security. Thinking about Nichol, Claire acquiesced. After the fourth interview, Claire realized who she wanted, and it wasn’t one of the names listed on her paper. That night when Tony arrived to take her to Nichol, she told him, “I know who I want as head of my security. I just don’t know how to contact him.”
“You were supposed to get a list with numbers. Was one missing?”
“No, I don’t want anyone from that list. I want Phillip Roach.”
Tony’s look of surprise quickly morphed into his new constant expression of indifference. “He isn’t the type of man to leave a forwarding address. I don’t know if he can be reached. Besides, the people on that list have been prescreened. Any one of them will do nicely—”
Claire interrupted, “I don’t want one of them.”
“Why do you want Roach?”
“I know him, and I feel comfortable with him.” Claire argued her point with conviction. “With all the new people working around me, I’d like some familiarity.”
“Anyone can become familiar after time.”
“Tony, you said I could have anything I want. I want him.”
He didn’t offer further protest. This time, Claire had closed the conversation. She wanted Phil, and Tony would find him.
During her days before Nichol’s arrival, Claire learned her way around the responsibilities of her new home. She also enjoyed outings with Meredith, Courtney, or Sue. There were even times she’d get in her new car and drive. It wasn’t that she wanted to go anyplace in particular. It was more the validation of knowing she could. Years ago, when she’d made her requests, they all came with the same stipulation: each freedom required authorization. Although she remembered hating that domination, the complete opposite didn’t make her happy either. Each time she drove through the gates, she realized, no one knew or cared where she was going.
Her only obligation, other than evenings with Nichol and their sessions with the child psychologist, was her outpatient counseling sessions. Twice a week, she drove the thirty-plus minutes to Everwood. Although an essential rule of therapy was complete honesty, Claire never mentioned her and Tony’s living arrangements. Only Meredith and Courtney knew the truth. Perhaps it was her reluctance to discuss it at length. Her friends heard her brief explanation and mercifully accepted it at face value. The counse
lor would want to know her feelings and thoughts. Claire didn’t want to admit those to herself much less someone else.
She didn’t want to admit that Tony’s placid stare hurt not only her pride, but her ever-crumbling heart. From their first meeting at the Red Wing there’d been a hunger in his eyes. When he first brought her to the estate, that hunger frightened her and filled her with a sense of vulnerability and defenselessness. It was as if his eyes told of a need that only she could fill. To someone with no knowledge of what that need might include, it was a daunting assignment. With time, the hunger became comforting. No matter how much money or success Tony obtained, there was part of him that sought what only she could give. In a world of opulence, it made her feel needed and desired. That same hunger pulled her back into his arms, bed, and life when their reconciliation was only a charade. While on the island, the ravenous hunger transformed. No longer were his attentions divided, yet at no time did she feel unwanted. Through the years, when she saw him across the room, she’d look into his eyes and know he was thinking of her. Just one look, one glance and her insides would tighten. Most of the time, she knew before she saw. His black eyed gaze could reach out and touch her, even without visual confirmation. Now, the look was gone. His eyes were neutral, void of emotion. Unless they were with Nichol, the color wasn’t black and it wasn’t light. With each glance into the tranquil pools of brown, another piece of her heart broke.
Chapter Fifty-One
It’s the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen.
—Muhammad Ali
Privately, Tony and Claire spoke superficially discussing staff concerns and weather. Their only sincere talks involved Nichol. That was until the night before Nichol’s move. Claire decided she wanted to show Tony something. She didn’t expect a consequence for her compliance; nevertheless, he’d told her there was something she needed to do—something she needed to face. Claire wanted him to know, she’d done it.
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