“ ‘Useless to try? Are you giving up? You’re abandoning him when he needs you the most?’
“Cannat stood and stared at me, a pulsating fire coming from his burning sapphires.
“ ‘This time,’ he whispered. ‘Not interfering is great test of love.’
“In 1994 Cannat shook me with the news. For a few days, I felt that he had been acting strange, scared, sad and circumspect. His anger, which was always on the verge of erupting, his perpetual happiness, his nightly seductions, all of this had disappeared. I took advantage of the fact that Shallem wasn’t home to go and speak to him. I found him in his room, lying completely naked on the silk comforter on his bed. I didn’t care, I myself was wearing very little. In fact, we always wore very little.
“ ‘What do you want,’ he uttered abruptly when I stepped through the doorway.
“I ignored his surliness. I entered the room and closed the door behind me. For a few seconds I merely stood there watching the abrasive but sad look on his face. His bedroom was very impersonal, just like all the other rooms in that apartment since neither of us had ever found the desire nor the motivation to decorate. There wasn’t much in the room that belonged to him. It seemed like a transitory place he knew he might have to leave at any given moment. There was wall to wall, light green carpeting, a pair of modern posters filled with geometric designs, an arm chair and a telephone.
“Cannat kept giving me dirty looks but I didn’t care. I approached the bed and lay down next to him. All though I tried not to, I gazed at his body. I didn’t want to get carried away by his beauty.
“ ‘Tell me,’ I said in a broken and trembling whisper.
“The hostility left his face and his expression suddenly and very clearly turned sorrowful.
“ ‘We’re joined together by the pain we feel,’ I continued. ‘Now more than ever.’
“I gently pushed away a lock of his blond that was tangled in his long eyelashes.
“ ‘I know the end is approaching,’ I said, a sharp pain was building in my throat. ‘I know I’m losing Shallem and nothing can be done about it.’
“He gazed at me with his bright blue eyes which were now sad and silent.
“ ‘We’re both losing him,’ he whispered with an involuntary inflexion of his voice. His face was a mask of serene bitterness.
“ ‘You are losing him?’ I asked. ‘Is it my fault?’
“He said no with a gentle movement of his head.
“ ‘Tell me,’ I pleaded as I watched and felt his white and taut stomach rise beneath my hand. ‘Show me, like you’ve always done, my angel. Share your pain with me.’
“ ‘I’ve been losing him for the past four hundred years,’ he murmured. ‘He’s going to do something crazy and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop him.’
“ ‘Tell me what happened, start from 1600.’
“ ‘You were right. I used you and I used Shallem’s emotions.’
“I didn’t feel anything, it was like I had used an internal switch to turn off my emotions. Even as I lay there, caressing his beautiful naked body, neither of us felt anything other than our torturous suffering.
“ ‘It was after Cyr died, when I acquired Leonardo’s power and was able to study Shallem’s soul with absolute clarity,’ he explained in a barely audible voice. ‘Cyr’s rebelliousness affected him much more than I had thought. Remember all the nonsense he came up with? Shallem thought Cyr had done to him exactly what he had done to our Father. Shallem thought that he himself had felt the pain our Father had felt for him. It was all absurd, imaginary. But this was when he started formulating his plan to cross the line, leave the planet, and go look for our Father. He never said anything to me and tried to hide his plan in the deepest realm of his soul so I wouldn’t try to dissuade him. But I was too powerful; I found out what he was planning. And I knew he was waiting until 1600, the year in which you were undoubtedly going to die. I knew he would try and leave our realm even though our Father had forbid it. He was going to try and do the one thing our Father would probably kill him for. Because of that, I decided to give you Ingrid’s body. I knew he would never leave you as long as you were a defenseless mortal, that he would never leave as long as you needed him. So I convinced him to give you the next body, and the next, and the next. I thought, with time, he would forget his stupid plan. But all I did was cause him more pain by forcing him to watch your soul get sick and suffer to the point of agony due to its long existence on Earth. He thinks everything is his fault... and he’s ready for all of it to end. He didn’t tell me this and I don’t think he even told himself, but he’s not going to let you take another body. When the one you are in dies, and your spirit is free, he will leave..., he’ll take the trip to his destruction. And I will die from pain.’
“ ‘I always wanted to tell you,’ he continued. ‘I was even going to tell you before I put you in Ingrid’s body; but I couldn’t risk Shallem finding out. I can hide my thoughts, you can’t.’
“My face was buried between the pillow and his neck. I couldn’t repress my agony, my tears. I knew I must try and take in everything he had just confessed; that there were things I wanted to ask, to clarify; but I couldn’t think, all I could do was cry and cry.
“ ‘But now none of it matters,’ he added and gently leaned to one side to rest his hands on my body. ‘I’m sorry I brought you to this extreme, but you would have done it yourself. I knew that.’
“I kept crying for a long while, as silently as I could. Finally, I raised my head and looked at him.
“ ‘You have to save him. You have the power to make him stay, I know you do. You’re the most powerful angel, you can stop him from leaving Earth.’
“ ‘And what would I do? Make a fool of myself by making threats he and I both know I would never be able to carry out?’
“ ‘So threaten him and carry out your threats!’ I exclaimed. ‘Wouldn’t that be better than to stand by and watch him kill himself?’
“ ‘And how long should I keep him enslaved? For all eternity? If I keep him in this hell, this hell on Earth, he would hunger for God’s Glory more than any other thing in the world. This has already happened to him. Any act of violence against him would do nothing but make his desire greater. If there were a way, don’t you think I would try?’
“I felt empty, anguished.
“ ‘Does he have any chance at finding this Glory he’s searching for? Any chance that God will forgive him, that he won’t destroy Shallem as he tries to regain his love?’ I asked. Cannat looked at me with his lips pressed together.
“ ‘If there weren’t a chance, I would go with him. I would go so I could also be destroyed.’
“I hugged him to me, unable to stop the flow of my tears.
“ ‘But, you know,’ he continued in a low voice. ‘Shallem can never be destroyed, not in the exact sense of the word; he’ll go back to his origin, back to God; his soul will reunite with our Father’s. Shallem will enrich his soul, like Leonardo enriched mine...We will never truly die, because we are a part of God.’
“ ‘Please, please, I beg you,’ I sobbed, my head buried in his chest. ‘Don’t let me die before I know he’s been saved. I beg you for the love we both share for him, for our devotion to him. You understand how I feel, you understand why I have to know if he’s happy.’
“He embraced me tightly.
“ ‘I promise. No matter what, you’ll continue living until Shallem... has been saved.’
“ ‘Cannat, tell me. How can I destroy my soul if Shallem isn’t saved; if his soul merges with God’s soul?
“ ‘Only God can destroy your soul.’
“ ‘You can’t?’
“ ‘No, I can’t. I can only destroy my own soul by provoking God like Shallem’s going to do. Except I, unlike Shallem, have no chance at success.’ He slightly smiled.
“We hugged for a long time. I was almost asleep from exhaustion when the door opened and Shallem walked into the room. He seemed ha
ppy, at first, as if he had something funny to tell us. Then he grew alarmed when he noticed my tears, and then confused when he saw our expressions, and then paralyzed when he read our souls. He squeezed his eyes shut and brought his hand to mouth, too human of a gesture for such a sensitive being. He looked from Cannat to me with a frown of sorrow on his face and his eyes damp, never crying. Shallem could never cry. God didn’t create him to suffer, nevertheless, he led him suffer, he condemned him to hell, he banished him.
“Cannat got up and stood directly in front of Shallem without saying a single word out loud. They spent a few minutes looking at each other making expressive gestures that gave away the discussion they were having and which I couldn’t hear. I had also stood and was watching them as if I were watching a pantomime. I was suffering because I couldn’t understand so I tried to imagine what they were saying. At first, Shallem’s face showed anguished surprise; as if he had just realized and couldn’t believe that Cannat had been able to read his intentions when he had struggled so much to keep them from him. Shallem had never grown accustomed to the idea that Cannat also had his ability to read souls. ‘How’s it possible?’ he seemed to ask himself. Then he grew angry, perhaps because Cannat had hidden the fact that he knew for so long and because he had manipulated him by using me. However, the anger had been a fleeting shadow on his face. Now, Cannat and I both knew what he wanted to do and this was horrible, something he hadn’t expected and it left him speechless. And then sorrow returned to cloud his face. Suddenly, he turned to me and I thought I saw his lips tremble. Then he approached me unsteadily, holding on to furniture as he walked, as though he had just got out of a wheelchair and was scared he would lose his balance. He could barely look me in the face.
“ ‘I never wanted you to find out like this,’ he said, his voice breaking. ‘I’m to blame that your soul is ill. I’ve been selfish and a coward. But now I have to gather my courage and let you go, although this will cause me more pain than anything else in the world. When I leave you, I’ll look for my salvation, and if I find it, I’ll look for you where ever you may be, in any part of the universe.’ “
The woman was crying. Tears fell silently down her cheeks. She dried them with her hands. Father DiCaprio handed her his handkerchief, she thanked him and took it.
“I’m sorry,” she said after she grew calm.
“My only wish was to stay with him or meet him in heaven or hell, if hell even existed,” she continued as she dried her tears with the priest’s handkerchief.
“But I was going to lose him and I was also going to lose a life that I didn’t want to continue living without him.”
“I couldn’t stand it any longer. I threw myself into Shallem’s arms and cried uncontrollably.
“ ‘Tell me you’ll forgive, my love,’ he told me.
“ ‘I love you, Shallem. I love you,’ I sobbed. ‘There’s nothing to forgive. We’re all guilty for keeping me alive. But I don’t regret anything, anything which kept me by your side for even one more minute; all I regret is the pain it caused you.’
“He was hugging me so tight I could barely breathe. I didn’t want to breathe.
“ ‘I’m not going to leave until your soul has found piece,’ he added.
“ ‘No,’ I said. ‘No. I have to live until you have found peace, then I will find mine. What’s going to happen to Cannat?’ I asked between sobs. ‘How will he bear to be away from you? Have you thought about that?’
“ ‘Cannat and I come from one soul that God separated. We’ll always be together as long as our souls exist. I’ll return to him as soon as our Father looks upon me with love; as soon as he accepts me. Cannat knows I will.’
“ ‘ But what if he destroys you?’ I pointed out.
“ ‘He won’t. I know he won’t.’
“ ‘How, Shallem? How do you know?’ Cannat asked, losing his composure as he walked toward us. ‘Did he tell you that, dreamer? Did he ask to see you? You’re the one who has called him, thousands, millions of times. Isn’t that right? Has he ever answered you? Even once? You’re pushing yourself toward an abyss and you’re dragging me along. Call him, Shallem, keep insisting, keep persevering, make him realize your love, but do not try and leave Earth without his consent.’
“ ‘I beg you both, don’t make me stay,’ Shallem whispered in agony and left my side to turn away from Cannat’s gaze. ‘I can’t bear his absence, this emptiness, any longer. I need to find peace, I need to return to him.
“ ‘The Earth we love is in agony, it is dying, it’s being turned into a wasteland by millions of destructive humans. Our paradise is a wasteland filled with dangerous chemicals, filled with nuclear bombs that can explode at any moment. There’s nothing left here that I love or recognize. Their end is near. But, what will they leave behind? I can’t endure them any longer, Cannat, they are a plague of termites eating away at my soul. I hate them so much that I would ask you to help me destroy them all in one day if that could end our suffering. But it wouldn’t end our suffering, only one thing will end our agony.’
“ ‘You can’t free yourself from them so easily,’ Cannat responded. ‘Because I’ll always be here.’ Then his voice almost quivered when he added, ‘You’ll be back even if he does accept you, won’t you Shallem? You won’t leave me here in hell all alone.’
“Shallem turned, hugged him, kissed him, and then whispered something in his ear.
The woman stood, tilted her head and looked at the ceiling for a few seconds. When she turned her gaze toward the priest, she noticed he hadn’t stopped watching her.
“It makes no sense to cry. However, I could cry forever.
“Shallem only gave me a few more days before he left. It was better to end all our suffering as soon as possible. We had four agonizing days together. During those four days the three of us joined in body and soul.
“They told me it would be instantaneous, as soon as Shallem disappeared he would be with God. Be with him as an individual soul or be absorbed by him. Either way he would return to him as he longed to do. Cannat would know what happened as soon as Shallem left.
“ ‘If I disappear right after him,’ Cannat told me. ‘you’ll know Shallem no longer exists and that I’m following in his footsteps. I don’t plan to suffer one second of pain.’
“ ‘Don’t torture yourself with that,’ I begged. The infinite love he felt for Shallem brought tears to my eyes. ‘I don’t want you to suffer. Also, promise me you won’t leave unless you kill me first.’
“His expression turned serious.
“ ‘Yes, of course,’ he said. ‘Don’t worry. I won’t let your suffer either.’
“I can’t describe how I suffered the day he was to leave, nor how much Cannat suffered. Until the very last minute, I had hoped Shallem would take mercy on Cannat and stay. But he didn’t. However much he loved us, he left us both, just like Cannat had predicted.
“We kissed, we hugged, and we cried for the last time. I would have given anything to go with him. Finally, in the living room of our apartment in Los Angeles, he disappeared from between our arms; and, as you would guess, his last kiss and his last glance were for Cannat.”
–X–
The woman sat in silence, her eyes fixed on some point on the table. She was so profoundly sad that it seemed as if everything she had just related had just taken place.
“And then?” the priest asked impatiently. “Shallem was saved, right? He had to be saved.”
She looked at him with a gentle smile.
“Of course he had to be saved,” she said, her eyes, once again, clouded with tears. “And he was saved. Finally, he was able to look at his Father’s serene face. He found light, peace, glory, bliss. God wouldn’t be God if he had refused to accept him, right?” she sobbed.
“No,” he answered, deeply moved. “He wouldn’t have been.”
“Cannat and I went mad with happiness.
“ ‘He did it!’ Cannat screamed. “He sees him and I see him through h
is eyes! Oh, Shallem! His love at last! I have never seen him so happy! Our Father is hugging him! He’s forgiven him! He loves him!’
“Cannat described what was happening and I yelled and cried with happiness. Later, when our euphoria subsided, we sat together on the sofa and I, my nerves spent, grabbed his arm and rested my head against his chest.
“ ‘Now you have to carry out what you’ve always wanted to do,’ I told him. ‘You can end my life without being chastised. You’ll be with him soon, I’m sure. And perhaps, one day, I will also be with him. But now I must go, just as he wanted. I must get ready for the moment we’ll be together again. You’ll finally be free of me.’
“I lifted my head to look at him.
“He was watching me astonished, bewildered.
“ ‘I don’t have to do anything.’ he said in an angry tone. ‘Why would I want to be rid of you? Shallem loves you and I’m not going to be a coward and kill you since he’s not here. Also, I have never hated you. You thought I did?’
“ ‘But you promised you would!’ Shocked, I yelled.
“ ‘And I would have done it, if Shallem had ceased to exist as an individual soul. I wouldn’t have let you suffer alone, don’t doubt that. But he lives and he knows everything that happens here. He’ll speak to me as he always has and he will undoubtedly ask about you. What do you want me to tell him? You want me to tell him I killed you as soon as he left since I didn’t want you around?’
“ ‘But he knows I don’t want to continue living, that I must not continue living. He himself offered to do it!’
“ ‘That wasn’t true,’ he asserted. ‘He would have stayed until you died naturally. He only would have killed you under extreme circumstances.’
“ ‘You refuse to give me peace, rest. I would never do something like that to you, never. What have I done to you for you to punish me like this?’
“ ‘Don’t be melodramatic. I’ll be with you, I’ll take care of you until you die naturally. And when that day arrives, I won’t stop it.’
The Devil's Concubine Page 42