“Rena, why do you feel guilty? Honey this isn’t your fault”
I sat up and started to gently massage Rena shoulders. I was hoping to help relieve some of the tension her emotions were causing. I watched Rena swallow hard before she said in a soft voice
“Well, that’s not true. See I am partially responsible for the pain that Laura is suffering. I know that I am not really at fault for the stuff her human side is mad at. But Laura’s wolf initially rejected Jeremy because of his connection and initial blood bond with me. See, I realized today that my cat and Jeremy’s cat are still connected.”
I felt my own body get tense as I waited for her next words. I wasn’t sure why but I was suddenly afraid that my beloved was going to tell me her cat still wanted Jeremy. Rena must have focused on my emotions because her face got soft and she reached out and cupped my face in her hands and placed a gentle kiss on my lips before saying
“You are so silly sometimes Micah. Of course my cat chose you. There is nothing we want from Jeremy. Just give me a moment and hear me out please. See Jeremy and my cats are connected because of my royal blood. It’s that connect that kept us both alive when the blood bond was forcibly broken. See, in a pride the Bastet take an oath and pledge their allegiance and promise to obey their Leo. That bond between a Leo and the members of their pride is made with the human side of a Bastet. It is an intellectual decision the cat side simply follows the human’s orders. Bottom line it is just words that bind them together. When they no longer wish to serve the Leo they simply speak words to break the oath. In this, their cat is never connected to the Leo or any oath.
With a royal Bastet the bond is made on both the human and the cat side. Like a Leo, Bastet pledge their allegiance to me just as my Amazonian pride has done. This would be done on an intellectual, emotional and psychological level. Both their human and their cat side bonds with both sides of me. In fact, should I demand allegiance their cat would have to accept me even if their human didn’t want to?
The biggest difference however between a royal and a Leo is that once I have their oath, they can never choose another queen. I will have to step down and name a successor or die before their allegiance to me breaks. Jeremy made a promise to me when we blood bonded. His cat became my mate, a royal cat’s mate.
When you blooded me and broke Jeremy and my blood bond his human side was released but his cat is still bound to me in ways that are unbreakable. I think Jeremy understands his cat’s allegiance to me. I even believe that he is a strong Leo and is capable of pushing his cat into obedience. I have no doubt he can love Laura completely and with his full heart, mind, body and soul. However, his cat if left to its own devices would always choose my cat over Laura’s wolf.
That’s what Laura’s wolf feels. It somehow understands that Jeremy’s cat has a reservation and true mates shouldn’t have that. It makes her feel unsafe and cautious. It makes her wolf want to believe they must not be true mates. I have searched my mind trying to find a way to completely release Jeremy from his oath. So far I keep coming up empty. It might be something we simply can’t change.
So here’s my solution. First, I ask Laura to remain with my Bastet pride and let her know that I will be requesting the Bastet prides in my nation to come to me. They can come and swear their allegiance to me as queen then Laura can heal them. Second, I will create a co-pride between mine and Jeremy’s. He is after all the cub’s father. Both he and Laura should be an active part in their lives. It will help Laura to see that I trust and honor Jeremy and that he is worthy of being in his kids’ lives.
Then finally, I will find reason after reason to force them to work together. I think the more time they spend getting to know each other the better. Eventually like you said time will heal all wounds and they can mend their broken fences.”
CHAPTER 13
Laura's POV
It took me only a few minutes to have the lion in a position that would force him to surrender and succumb to my domination. I was lying on top of him with my hands firmly wrapped around his very large hairy neck. I could hear his breath coming out in gasps, each one making a low diminutive wheezing noise. I had a smile on my face and was just about to apply significant pressure to his throat as a sign of authority when I was abruptly pushed to away. My body flew through the air and landed with a splash in the center of the river. The force of my landing plunged me deep under water. It took me several moments to adjust to the air being knocked out of my lungs before I pushed myself to the surface. My head rose above the water and I immediately began to sputter and cough for air.
“What the hell Jeremy? I was fine without your interference!”
I looked over at Jeremy who appeared to be calmly speaking to the still very angry lion in front of him. Jeremy had both hands out in front of him in a clearly non aggressive manner. I could feel my anger rising to the surface with each stroke my arms made through the water. The closer I got to land the more determined I was to make both Jeremy and the lion pay.
Looking back, I should have questioned why I became so indignant and angry. But in the heat of the moment all I could think about was dominating both of them and having them groveling at my feet. I rose out of the water and growled deep in my throat in the direction of the lion and Jeremy. I allowed my hands to shift into claws and I intentionally pulled back my lips to show off my long and lethal fangs. Then I said in a voice that barely containing my fury.
“How dare you put your hands on me that way? Don’t you dare make the mistake of thinking I am submissive or inferior just because I am a female. I am one of the best fighters on earth and I deserve respect! I will show you just how strong and invincible I am. Be prepared to take the ass whooping of a lifetime”
Then I attacked both of them. This time I lost all control to my wolf. My wolf was in full command of my actions and she wanted retribution. She’s an alpha and as such my wolf has struggle in a male dominated culture. The years we lived under my father’s then my brother Nathan's control had been hard me and even harder on my wolf. My wolf hated that she had to play submissive to both of them when she knew we were the stronger and more dominate wolf. My wolf’s days of submitting to weaker beasts just because they were male were over.
I felt Jeremy’s blood splatter on my face and somehow I realized what I’d allowed my wolf to do. I pulled my wolf back and I looked down at my beloved who was struggling to breath through his clearly damaged and bleeding throat. I had nearly torn out his jugular. I went into a full blown panic. In my rage, I nearly killed my own beloved. I screamed out my apology and dropped to the ground beside him.
“Oh god Jeremy, I am so sorry. What have I done?”
I bit into my wrist and tried to give him my blood. Seeing my blood well up on my wrist Jeremy immediately turned his head away from me and tightly closed his mouth. It was a clear sign that he didn’t want to take my blood.
“Take it. I’m sorry Jeremy please it will help you heal. I don’t think you can survive without it.”
Jeremy shook his head no then glanced over at the lion that was gasping for air. I heard a deep low roar and watched as the female white tiger leapt from the brush towards me. I was prepared to defend myself when I heard Jeremy whisper
“Haven’t you done enough harm already? You just can’t seem to stop trying to dominate everyone and everything. You know nothing of my people or culture yet you make sure to tromp all over everything we hold sacred over and over again. For gods sakes Laura he would never have hurt anyone. The lion was just looking for his mate. All he wanted to do was smell us and you turned it into a blood bath. If you want to help, heal the lion. Give him your blood then get out of here. Let me die in peace. I don’t want your help or your blood. I would rather die than be tied to you. ”
I can still feel the pain Jeremy's words caused me and my bad bad wolf. They sliced through me like the sharpest knife in the world. I know I hadn’t meant to hurt anyone when it started. I thought the lion was dangerous and that I was
protecting Jeremy. After Jeremy tossed me into the river I don’t know what happened. I have never had my wolf abuse her power in that way. She lost control and nearly killed the most important person in the world to both of us. That was the hardest part of all of this. My wolf realized exactly who and what Jeremy was to us the moment his blood flooded our mouth. Jeremy is our true mate and our beloved. His cat and my wolf are two sides of the same coin. Just as our souls were meant to be together so are our beasts. My wolf cried and whimpered as we left our injured mate dying on the ground and returned to Rena’s camp.
My wolf fought me every step that I took away from Jeremy. She couldn’t understand that leaving him was our only chance of saving him. I ran back to Rena and Micah in hopes that Rena as queen could force Jeremy into allowing me to heal him. That however hadn’t been necessary since my sister Linda and her beloved Ian had flown in that very day. Rena, Linda and Ian managed to convince Jeremy to drink Linda’s lifesaving blood and I know he completely healed from his injuries.
That however has changed nothing between us. Jeremy is refusing to see me again. This time however I know that he really means it. Jeremy is moving on and making plans for the rest of his life that won’t include me. Jeremy's been very clear in how I simply don’t fit into his life. To say that I am depressed is putting it mildly. I have no desire to eat, drink or even move my body. My wolf cried incessantly for the first few weeks of mine and Jeremy's separation. Now however she is silent and dormant. It's almost as if she's died within me.
I climbed into the bed that Rena assigned to me and I closed my eyes. It was my intention to lie in exactly that position until the end of time or until my heart and body gave up and withered away. I thought before that it was possible the only way I could die was of a broken heart, now however I prayed it was true. Being alive and knowing that my true mate and beloved has rejected me is too much to bear. The last time I recall hearing something about how long I was in bed was from my sister Leona. At that time Leona said it has already been over two months since I've eaten or moved from the bed. I honestly can’t say how much more time has passed since then. Occasionally I still hear someone talking. I have to wonder if they are speaking out loud or using our family mind connection.
If I wanted to I could probably figure it out but honestly I just want them to leave me alone. I’m no longer in the world of the living. I’ve gone to a new and distant place that I don’t have a name for. It’s a dark place and devoid of everything but its calm and so very peaceful. If I had to call it a something I would name it 'The Null'.
Without taking in nutrition blood or food even my bodily functions have ceased. I know that my senses are shutting down since I really can’t think, smell, see or feel anything or anyone anymore. For all intents and purposes I have gone brain dead. I know even if I wanted to I could no longer make myself move anymore. My eyes have glossed over and my muscles have grown stiff. My flesh has begun rotting and atrophy has set in. It is just a matter of time before my flesh and organs completely deteriorate and there is nothing left of me but my bones and a shriveled heart.
My family including my sister Leona who is a doctor has done everything within their power to forcibly feed and wake me. Nothing has worked. I clenched my jaws tight when I had first given up and now they were sealed shut. They’ve even tried to stick an IV in my vein in an attempt to try to push nutrients in but they did little to help me since I refused to drink blood. For blood to have the nutrients necessary for a vampire it must be drunk straight from the vein. No other delivery method kept the nutrients alive. Intravenous and bagged blood was useless.
My family also cut directly into my throat and shoved a tube down into my stomach. That however was quickly removed when they realized it ran straight through me without my body ingesting or using a single bit of it. With all methods exhausted and nothing else to try I guess they called in the troops. Recently when I have just a bit of consciousness I catch tiny sounds that I am sure belong to my mom and one of my siblings. They cry and beg me to come back to them. I feel sad sometimes because I know they think they’re helping me by trying to pull me out of ‘The null'.
But I just wish they’d simply stop and let me have the peace and serenity I so desperately desire. Each time they get me close to the surface I am assaulted with horrific and unbearable pain from the loss of my soul mate. Why does my family continue to torture and hurt me. Why can’t they leave me in the tranquility of 'The null'? How much longer will it take them to figure out they are wasting their time because I have no desire to come back. I am content here and I don’t want to rejoin the world without Jeremy at my side.
CHAPTER 14
Jeremy's POV
I was trying to leave my hut when Chase physically blocked my exit. It was clear that he had something to say and he wasn't going to allow me to leave until he said it. If my cat had been with me he would have seen his behavior as a challenge. I however was too tired to see it as anything but another annoyance. Realizing Chase wasn't going to give up I finally said to him
"What Chase? What is so important that you felt the need to stop me from exiting my hut?"
Chase must have been expecting my attitude since he pulled himself up tall and looked me squarely in the eyes before saying in his best diplomatic voice
"Do you really think you made the right decision rejecting your true mate? I mean the queen makes sure to emphasize how poorly your mate is doing every time she brings the children. By the sounds of it, you mate Laura's health deteriorates more every day.
I didn't want to do this but as Regent it is my job. The pride is concerned that under your current conditions you might not be able to make the best decisions. They are becoming afraid of you and well, they might just start looking for a replacement if you can't pull yourself together."
I was just a little shocked at Chase's words. Even without my cat I could feel Chase was attempting to dominate me. I took a step forward and growled low in my throat. I watched my Regent Chase turn a light shade of red. It was hard for him to question me and my decisions. As his Leo Chase's instincts told him to accept my decisions. Questioning them was hard to do even if it was obvious they needed to be questioned. Chase swallowed hard and continued to stare me in the eyes showing that he wasn't going to back down. I probably should have just let Chase know that I had already decided to try to make it right with Laura but I was enjoying the display of balls Chase had just shown. Just for fun I gave him a 'how dare you question my authority look'. That caused Chase to visibly shake but he pushed on with his mission and said
"Look, I don't want to question your judgment. You were my friend before you were my Leo. I'm doing this as much for you as for the pride. I just mean well..."
Chase was fidgeting with his hands and he looked like he was in some type of physical pain. I wanted to laugh but what the hell I had gone this far so instead of letting him off the hook I bellowed out in my strong Leo voice
"Spit it out Regent Chase! I am tired of feeling like we are in the middle of a ball dance together."
I purposely used his title to discount our friendship. I knew Chase understood when I watched his jaw drop and his eyes went to the ground in submission. For a moment I thought he was going to give up. Then despite his clear discomfort he continued with
"Well Leo Jeremy the truth is you're not doing that great either. You've been sour and angry and you're scaring the hell out of the entire pride. I think you should try to give it another go with your mate. Maybe her stupid dog has learned its lesson."
The moment the words were out of Chase's mouth it was clear that Chase expected some type of nasty rebuttal at the least he anticipated angry words from me. Perhaps he thought I would abuse my position as Leo and punish him for his words. Chase's reaction kind of surprised me. I know I was busting his chops but dang it, Chase knew me and should have known I was just being difficult. Chase was not only my regent he was also my best friend. We'd grown up together and shared almost every one of
our major life milestones.
He's been at my side through thick and thin. Chase knew me better than anyone else in the world. The fact that he'd been uncomfortable having this conversation was a testament to just how poorly I'd been behaving lately. Then again Chase should probably have pulled me to task a lot earlier than now. I rejected my mate nearly four months ago. Chase allowed me to wallow in my own crap all this time. Each month my attitude and my desire for life diminished. Clearly my pride was suffering because of my mental condition.
I was beyond depressed and started to think of doing some pretty radical stuff. Just this very morning I toyed with the idea of stepping down as Leo and going into the jungle and letting my beast go wild. I wanted to give up my human side completely. Life was just becoming too much of a chore. I'd been having such a hard time getting through the days. My cat hates me and completely disagrees with what I did. We actually argued about who was at fault. I kept telling him that it was Laura's fault but he just didn't care. My cat knew he was the dominant beast and was still willing to submit. I can recall his last comments with such clarity
Shredded Bonds, a Blood Ties Novel, Book 4 Page 7