Both Terri and Dennis’s faces fell. Terri picked up her bags and left without a word. Dennis just looked at me as if I had said no. He slowly took his coat off and hung it up next to mine. “We can talk later. I just thought . . .”
I wrapped my arms around him and pressed my check to his back. “I just think we need to have the talk we keep saying we’re going to have first. Please understand.”
Dennis turned and put his arms around me. “Come home with me then. Let’s talk about it tonight and get it out of the way. Mark and Terri won’t mind.”
Chapter 13
I grew more nervous the closer I got to the discussion that Dennis and I would have. I was the one who asked for it, but it was still nerve-wracking to me. We would be saying things that would hurt each other, and as necessary as that was to continuing the relationship, the fallout scared me. The weeks I’d spent without Dennis were almost unbearable. If I hadn’t had the center to keep me busy, I’m not sure what I would have done.
I parked my car behind his in the driveway as he waited for me at the door. I walked slowly trying to stall as long as I could. Dennis quirked an eyebrow at me. “You wanted to do this. Remember?”
I reached the door and clutched his shirt near his hip. “I know. I’m just scared.”
His kind smile surprised me and calmed me all at once. He didn’t seem nervous at all. Dennis took my hand and led me inside. I took my coat off and wondered where I should sit. Did we sit in the chairs and keep space between us for this honest discussion, or did we sit together and hold each other? Could I really be honest if I knew how good it felt in his arms, or would I say what he wanted to hear so I could keep him?
“You’re thinking about it too much.” Dennis placed water for each of us on the coffee table, and I gave him a quizzical look. “I don’t think either of us should be drinking anything stronger until we’ve finished talking.”
“You’re right.” I hugged myself a little tighter than I should have. I was so nervous.
Dennis chuckled and took my hands to lead me to the sofa. “We’ll sit here together, but no touching beyond holding hands.” He waited for me to slip my shoes off so I could tuck my legs under me. Once I was comfortable, Dennis sat a few inches from me and smiled. “Do you want to start or shall I?”
I shrugged, which caused Dennis to chuckle again. “You seem pretty cool for someone that’s about to have a heated discussion.”
“It doesn’t have to be heated. We can sit and talk about things like adults.”
There was our first and probably biggest problem. “Don’t you ever lose your cool? Don’t you ever strike out and get out of control?” His calmness was starting to irritate me.
“Of course I do, but when something this important to me is at stake, I like to keep my head. It’s not going to serve either of us to get pissed before we even get started.” He sighed when I looked away. “I take it you’re already pissed.”
I looked him square in the eye and started hard. “I’ve been pissed since you accused me of sleeping around.”
“I’m sorry about that. I wasn’t really—”
“Now you’re going to deny it?”
“I don’t deny it sounded like that, but I didn’t really believe you were. I was just hurt that you slept with him.” Dennis started rubbing his hands over his face. “Look, I don’t want this to get out of hand—”
“Do you ever?”
“I’m not sure why, but I kind of feel hurt by that. Are you trying to hurt me? Trying to get back at me for hurting you?”
I looked away. The conversation wasn’t starting well at all, and if I didn’t get my emotions and nerves under control, it wasn’t going to end well. “Why don’t you start then? Let’s have your version of a calm adult conversation.”
“I think that ship has already sailed, but I’ll try.” Dennis reached for his water. “You obviously on some level think of yourself as my girlfriend with your Freudian slip earlier. Why are you so afraid of that label?”
“Oh, Dennis, I’m not afraid of the label. I’m afraid of you.”
Dennis started coughing, choking on his water. I leaned over and rubbed his back until his coughing slowed. He still hadn’t fully recovered before he started speaking. “Why?” He coughed again. “Why are you afraid of me?”
I slid back over to where I was sitting before. “Because you want calm adult conversations, and I’m just sitting here waiting for you to lash out at me. We are two different types of people.”
“Do you want me to lash out at you?”
“God! Why do you have to do that?” I got up and started pacing. “Why do you have to always check with me? Just lash out if you want to! You don’t need my permission.”
“Fine. Why did you have sex with him?”
I stopped pacing with my back turned to Dennis. My shoulders slumped. “I don’t know. It just happened. I went there to talk about the money he said he was going to pull from the center, but it was just a way to get a rise out of me. It was an argument that got out of control.”
I could barely hear the question Dennis asked, but I knew it was coming. “Have you slept with him again?”
I turned to look him in the eyes so he wouldn’t doubt my response. “No. Not even close.”
“But you’ve seen him?”
“Yes. He is my friend, Dennis.” I held my breath and waited for him to demand I stop seeing Carl. I wouldn’t, but it would’ve been nice to know he cared enough to try.
Dennis looked up and smiled. It was a forced smile, but still a smile. “Okay, what else do we need to clear the air about before you’ll be my girl?”
I groaned loudly, not hiding my irritation, and Dennis narrowed his eyes. “That’s all you have to say?”
Dennis looked honestly confused. “What else am I supposed to say?”
“You don’t care if I keep seeing him?” I crossed my arms and tapped my foot.
“Of course I care, but you’re not going to stop, so why even ask?”
I walked over to put my shoes back on. “We only need one girl in this relationship, Dennis.”
His eyes got big as my statement shocked him. “We may only need one girl, but we need two fucking adults, Drew.”
Finally, we were getting somewhere. He was about to lose his cool, and I couldn’t wait to see it. I couldn’t wait to see what kind of man Dennis really was. I hated to push his buttons, but before I fully gave myself to him and became attached, I needed to know what I was attaching myself to. “You can be an adult without being a pussy.”
“A pus . . .” He rubbed his face again before standing up. “What do you want from me, Drew?”
I took a couple of steps forward and started raising my voice. “I want to know what kind of man you are. I want to know what you’re capable of. All you do is try to please me. A relationship is supposed to be give and take, for Christ’s sake, and all you do is give!”
Dennis started shaking his head. “That doesn’t make sense to me. I want to make you happy. I don’t see how that should be a problem.”
“But it is a problem, and that’s why I’m afraid this won’t work.” I started to pick up my coat, but Dennis took it from me.
“Don’t run away from this. Tell me what you need.”
“I don’t want to have to tell you. It’s something you have to do on your own and I just . . .” I sighed. “I just don’t think you have it in you.” I tried to take my coat again, but he dodged every attempt. “Dennis, give me my fucking coat.”
“Why? So you can wait by the phone when he calls to pull funding again? Are you going fuck him for more money to save your precious center?”
It was like a slap in the face, and I stumbled back a few steps. Again I wanted it, begged him to lash out. I just didn’t think he would have struck so hard. I was so stunned that all I could do was shake my head as I lowered my eyes to the floor. I didn’t see Dennis come up to me. He grabbed my face and made me look at him.
“Is this
what you want? Is this the type of man you want to be with for the rest of your life?” He didn’t stop when I started crying. “You say I do nothing but give you everything. You say I need to take from this relationship. How about if I just take you right here where you stand? Is that what you want and how you like it? Is that how I can prove my love for you—take you hard and fast right here, right now? Or do you need me to yell at you some more? How about I point out every little thing you do wrong and when you try to change it I’ll still tell you that it’s wrong!”
He made his point even if he didn’t get mine, and I couldn’t bear to hear him be cruel anymore. It wasn’t Dennis. This time I grasped both sides of his shirt near his hips and put my face in his chest. “Please stop.”
Dennis started to raise his hands as if he wanted to hold me, and then put his fists down by his sides. “Is that what the type of man you want to love you would do? Would he stop just because you asked or would he keep going and get everything off his chest?”
“I don’t deserve you. Men like you deserve a lady, and I’m not a lady.” I kept crying in his chest and let go of his shirt to wrap my arms around him. He grabbed my shoulders to hold me at arm’s length before I could cling to him again. I looked up at him puzzled. Was he finally going to be tired of me? Had he finally realized I was too fucked up and complicated?
His face was hard. I’d never seen it like that before. “Men like me? Men like me want a real woman. We want someone who isn’t afraid to go after what she wants, and that includes the bedroom. I just want my bedroom to be the only one you visit. I’m not sure what your idea of a lady is, but I am sure that I don’t want it.”
Dennis bent down and grabbed my coat off the floor. He held it out to me, but I didn’t take it. “Two seconds ago you were begging for your coat.” He put it around my shoulders. “You wanted to leave.” He turned me towards the door and started walking. “I’m apparently not the type of man you have conjured up in that head of yours that you think you need to be with. Nor do you think you’re the type of woman I want to be with.” Dennis opened the front door. “You’re right that it won’t work out. I’m looking for a girlfriend, not a punching bag.”
We stood there in the doorway just looking at each other. Tears were still streaming down my face, but I was so shocked by what he was doing that I couldn’t move. I had known the time would come that he would realize he was too good for me, but I didn’t think it would come so soon. Dennis started to reach out to wipe the tears away, and I turned and crossed the porch to go down the steps instead. I stopped after the first step when Dennis started talking again.
“You know you’re right that it’s give and take. Sometimes, though, the scales aren’t balanced, and one gives more than the other. When I was sick and really needed you, you gave me everything I needed without taking anything in return.” Dennis paused to clear his throat, and it sounded as if he were trying to control his emotions. “I think you’ve given too much of yourself in past relationships, and someone needs to give to you for a change. I was hoping to be the man that you could let love you and show you how good it could be.”
I closed my eyes when he kept talking. I wanted to turn around and run back to him, but I needed to hear the rest of what he was saying. I couldn’t be thrown out twice. “Drew, I’m sorry I can’t love you enough for the both of us. I’ve been trying, but you need to love you too for this to work.”
I could only whisper and wasn’t sure if he would be able to hear me. “What if I can’t?”
Dennis was standing directly behind me when he answered. It should have scared me to be in such a vulnerable position at the top of the steps, but I wasn’t frightened at all. He wrapped his arms around me and whispered in my ear. “I already feel the love you’re capable of. We just need to work on getting you to believe and feel it yourself.”
I turned in his arms and stepped back up the one step I had taken. “May I please come back inside?”
Dennis picked me up and took me inside. “You’re crazy if you thought for one minute that I was going to let you get further than that one step.”
~*~
Things shifted once Dennis and I had our fight. We had the calm adult conversation we should have had from the beginning but that my nerves and insecurity wouldn’t allow. He said he would try to not be so accommodating, even though that was the strangest request he’d ever received from a girl. I told him I would try to accept more from him without trying to figure out his motives.
He’d explained why he wasn’t worried about me seeing Carl. He trusted me, and once I agreed to be his girlfriend, he knew I wouldn’t allow Carl to touch me. I agreed to limit my time with Carl and to set him straight the next time I saw him that I was, in fact, now taken. That thought made me smile.
“It’s good to see you happy, but people don’t normally smile when they’re changing a diaper like that.” Terri was in the doorway of the nursery and pointed at the mess in front of me. “I take it the talk went well.”
I couldn’t stop smiling. It was too late for me to call Terri last night once we hashed everything out. I wanted to share the news with my best friend no matter how late it was, but Dennis had other ideas about how we should spend our time. “It was touch and go at first, but it ended well enough.” I was looking around for another container of wipes. I was tired of the staff using the last of something and not replacing it.
“You’ve got to give me details. I thought you were going to call me last night or at least text me. I was worried.” Terri came over and handed me the wipes.
“Thanks. It looks as if we need to address again that when something runs out we replace it.” I smiled at Terri as I finished changing the diaper. “That could have been messy.”
Terri didn’t return my smile. “Stop avoiding.”
“We’ve come to an understanding.”
“What the hell’s that supposed to mean? It doesn’t sound very romantic.” Terri crossed her arms.
I placed the baby back in the crib and turned to Terri. “It wasn’t at first. He just kept being nice. I knew he was furious, but he wouldn’t let me see it. He had no right to be furious since I wasn’t his girlfriend at the time that I . . .” I looked around to see if anyone was listening, “You know. I sure set him off, though. He threw me out, Terri.”
“He threw you out and you’re smiling?” Terri started shaking her head. “Maybe we need to call Joseph.”
I laughed which surprised her more. “No, it’s fine. He didn’t let me get very far. He just wanted me to see that I didn’t want to leave.” I put my hand on Terri’s shoulder when she looked even more confused. “Look, I’ll explain it all, but not here. If you’re not busy tonight, I’ll come over.”
That finally got a smile out of her. “I would love that. I miss you there.”
I watched as Carl came in to pick up Amy. He hesitated once he saw Terri, but he came over anyway. I turned to Terri. “You’re about to love something else.” She rolled her eyes when she saw Carl.
“Good afternoon, Terri. It’s great to see you again.” Carl was trying to be nice, even though he knew Terri hated him. He turned to me. “Drew.” He bent down to kiss my cheek and I backed up. “Something wrong?”
“Not at all. Actually something is very right. Dennis and I are official.”
Carl was very good with his poker face, but I could see the challenge in his eyes. “So, you are defined now, huh?” He backed away and looked at my hand. “I don’t see a ring. You’re not married to him.”
Terri started to say something, but I placed my hand on her arm. “Carl, you said you would back off when I said I was taken. I’m taken. We can still be friends, but nothing more.” I didn’t look at Terri when her gaze snapped toward me after my friend comment.
Carl turned to look out the window for a second. He turned back to look at Terri and then me, nodding his head. “Goodbye, ladies. Enjoy your evening.”
Terri barely waited for him to get out of earsh
ot. “He’s up to something.”
“I know.”
“And what was that friend comment about?” Terri crossed her arms. “You can’t be serious.”
“I am serious, but if he’s going to continue to push, I’m done.” I ignored Terri’s doubtful look and walked back to pick up a crying baby.
I barely picked up the baby when Terri and I heard an ear-piercing scream from the other room. I laid the baby back down and quickly ran after Terri. Amy was sobbing uncontrollably by the front window. “Daddy, stop!”
I asked Karen to take care of the baby who needed attention, and Terri and I took off for the parking lot. Dennis and Carl were throwing punch after punch, and a couple of the other dads were trying to separate them. I heard one father yell, “Not in front of the children!”
~*~
“Not in front of the kids.” Mark was trying to get away from Craig, but Craig kept following him around the house. Terri had asked me to help throw a Halloween party for the neighborhood that she and Mark had just moved into. I tried to come without Craig, but he wouldn’t let me out of his sight.
“Our girls are getting very attached, so we will be seeing a lot of each other. I think it’s best that we bury the problem that came between us.”
Mark grabbed Craig by the shirt and pushed him outside to the backyard. I couldn’t believe what was happening. “Terri, I need you.” I ran after them and hoped Terri came soon.
Once they were outside and Mark was sure the kids couldn’t see him, he punched Craig. “Bury the problem? She wasn’t a problem, but because of you, I buried her two years ago! You’re the problem that should have been buried!”
Craig stood up straight and touched the corner of his mouth. “Is this what we have to do to get back to being friends?”
“We’ll never be friends again. You need to leave before I kill you. Now!” Mark started taking a step towards Craig.
“Mark, he’s not worth it.” Terri was next to Mark as soon as she sensed the threat of another punch. “Please, let’s go back inside to our guests.”
Striving for Normal (Striving Series) Page 15