~*~
“Welcome back.” Joseph apparently sat there calmly waiting for my return. He leaned forward and picked up the file. “Have your goals changed?”
“You did that on purpose.”
“I did want to remind you of that first day, but I didn’t think you would have been lost to the memory of it. I just wanted you to feel the hope you felt when you left that day.”
“I don’t feel hopeless.” I wrapped my arms around myself. “I just . . .” I looked out the window.
Joseph finished for me. “You’re starting to feel normal and don’t want to lose this new life you’ve found for yourself.” He smiled when I looked at him and nodded. “Do you think I want you to lose that?”
“Well, no, I don’t think that, Joseph.”
“Okay. I want you to give me solid reasons for why you shouldn’t let Dennis come here when you come back next week.” Joseph stood and took my file to his desk. “I don’t want mights or what ifs, Drew. I want solid reasons.”
I grabbed my purse and stood. “Okay.”
~*~
I was quiet at Terri’s that night. Terri and I always talked after my appointments with Joseph, but we changed the ritual slightly that evening. Instead of just her and me going somewhere, Dennis and I came over for dinner, and the guys talked or watched television while Terri and I discussed the appointment. This was a discussion I wish we had taken out—I didn’t want Dennis anywhere close to it.
Trevor was a little quieter than he normally was as well. I noticed that he didn’t speak to me much the past couple of days at the center, but I thought he would have talked to me here. I was starting to think I had done something wrong.
After dinner and before dessert, I switched places with Dennis so I could sit next to Trevor. As soon as I sat down, he looked at his lap and pushed his plate away. “Trevor, you love chocolate cake.”
“Not hungry.” He turned a little more when I tried to look at him.
I looked at Terri. I needed to know what I did wrong. Terri shook her head, letting me know it wasn’t me. “Trevor, I think it’s time you show Aunt D.”
“Do I have to?” I couldn’t believe Trevor started crying. I was on the edge all night anyway with my own tears after the session with Joseph, so I lost it when I heard Trevor’s short sobs.
“Oh, for crying out loud.” Terri was obviously impatient with the whole thing. Mark and Dennis just sat there silently watching everything. Terri came over and picked Trevor up. She whispered a few things to him and set him back down again.
Trevor still wouldn’t look at me, but he came over and grabbed my hand. I instantly followed him upstairs and tried my best to stop my own tears. Trevor needed me to be strong for whatever was bothering him. We stopped at my old bedroom door, and I had to kneel down to hear what Trevor was saying.
“We can change it back. We don’t have to keep it like this.”
I finally made Trevor look at me. “You don’t have to keep it like what?”
He reached up and opened the door. I reached in and turned on the light. My room was no longer my room as it appeared to have been taken over by the five-year-old boy in front of me. “I don’t want to take your room. What if you need it again?”
I hugged Trevor close. “You are such a sweet boy, but this is your room, Trevor. You just let me borrow it for a while.”
“I did?” Trevor looked around as if he’d never seen the room before.
“Yes. You don’t remember?” I sat on the edge of his bed. “You told me that I was your favorite aunt and that I could use your room as long as I needed it.”
Trevor sat down next to me. “And you don’t need it anymore?” He sounded a little hopeful that it could be his room.
“Nope. Besides, you have done a much better job with it than I could have done.” I looked around as if I were thoroughly impressed.
Trevor patted my shoulder. “Don’t feel so bad. Sally’s room sucks now, too, since I left it.”
“Trevor Martin Lucas!” Terri was standing in the doorway. “You will not use that word again.”
“Sorry, Mom.” Trevor looked at his lap for the second time that night.
“Go down and eat your cake before Uncle D gets it.” Trevor shot off the bed, but stopped when Terri bent down. “I don’t want to hear that word again from you. Understood?” Terri let him go once he nodded.
I smiled at Terri. “He’s growing up.”
“Too fast, if you ask me. I can’t believe he’s going to be six in a few weeks.” Terri turned to me with a smile and then looked around the room. “Are you really okay with all of this?”
I stood up. “Of course I’m okay with it. No matter how much I loved living with you guys, I don’t plan on moving back in. Why didn’t you tell me he was bothered by it?”
“He asked me not to, and I knew you would talk to him about it at the center if I did.” Terri led me to her bedroom. “Now what happened with Joseph?” She shut her door.
Terri and I sat and talked for the rest of the evening about Joseph and his insistence on meeting Dennis. I admitted that I wouldn’t mind if they met, but I thought Joseph wanted Dennis to become involved in the therapy, and I just wasn’t ready for that.
“What harm could there be in Dennis meeting Joseph and being a part of your sessions?” Terri was leaning back on her headboard, hugging her pillow while I was lying across the foot of the bed on my side.
“I’m not proud of that time with Craig. I did some really crazy things, and I’d rather Dennis not know about them.”
“You don’t think he has a past?” Terri rolled her eyes at my expression. “You’re not his first girlfriend, either, Drew. You each have made stupid mistakes and bad choices. They make you the person you are today and the person who Dennis loves.”
“I’m just scared.”
“You think it will change how he feels about you?”
I started playing with the comforter. “I think it will change how he looks at me. I don’t want him to see the messed-up girl who allowed a monster in her life.”
“You’ve got to stop blaming yourself for that. No one is blaming you.” Terri sat up and hugged the pillow a little closer.
“You haven’t told Mark yet.” I had hoped the tension I felt all night was more from Mark trying to deal with the situation with Terri and the new doctor and not because she was still distant. “You have to tell him, Terri.”
“I know. I will tonight.” She looked at me as I stood up. “We aren’t finished talking.”
“I’m not the one you need to talk to.” I walked to the door and opened it. “Call me if you need me, but Dennis and I are leaving so you two can talk.”
~*~
I didn’t get much sleep that night. I thought I would have been able to get to sleep after Terri sent me the text saying that she’d told Mark, but my mind kept racing. Just because he knew didn’t mean that everything was fine with Terri. I wanted to ask, but I was sure he was right there with her. I’d just talk to her later.
I was also worried about Dennis. He’d never asked about Tony again, but I didn’t think he’d think too highly of me if he ever found out the truth about the affair Craig talked about in the interview. Dennis was very loving in public, but never inappropriate like Craig. What would he think if I confessed to liking some of those things Craig did? Dennis was a respectable man and needed someone respectable with him.
Dennis loved me for who I’d become, and honestly, I was growing quite fond of that person, too. I just didn’t think he’d like the girl I used to be or understand the choices I’d made. When he looked at me, it was as if I were the only one who existed—the only thing that mattered. I couldn’t lose that. I didn’t need him to see what was beneath the surface.
“Drew?” Karen poked her head in the office. “Do you have time to meet with Tammy, Amy’s aunt?”
“Sure.” I shook my head clear of my daydreaming and stood to greet Tammy. “Hi, Tammy, how can I help you?”
Without warning, she walked over and hugged me. “You already have.”
“Um, I’m not sure I follow.” I pointed for her to take a seat when she finally let me go.
“Carl and Amy left for an extended vacation.” Tammy was sitting in the chair in front of my desk with the biggest smile on her face.
“I’m glad they’re getting away, but what does that have to do with me?” I was dumbfounded. I hadn’t told Carl to leave. I hadn’t even talked to him since I’d left his house a week ago. He started having Tammy take care of Amy again, and I thought it was just because he didn’t want to see me anymore—and that was fine with me.
“He said you two had a talk—well, a fight actually.” She had a pained expression on her face for a moment. “Carl called me, completely distraught and quite honestly blubbering about how he didn’t want to lose Amy and how Joyce would be so upset with him.”
“Joyce?”
“Oh, that was his wife. He doesn’t talk about her much, and I’m sure Amy only called her Mom.” I nodded my head as she continued. “I know my brother seems a little overbearing.”
I crossed my arms. “A little?”
She gave a nervous laugh. “He was always a take-charge guy, but since he lost Joyce . . .” Tammy shook her head. “No matter how much he tried, he couldn’t control that, and when she died, he just lost it.”
“I’m sure you love your brother—”
“I’m not trying to talk you into seeing him or anything. That’s not my point here.” Tammy sighed and looked at her hands. “What I’m trying to say is that he’s more like my brother again. Whatever you said to him flipped a switch, and now he’s all about Amy again.”
I stood when Tammy stood and walked her to the door. “May I ask what did happen to his wife?”
“She had cancer. When he started talking about losing Amy, I thought she had it, too, but no. He said you helped him.” Tammy turned to look at me. “He says you’re crazy for wanting that other guy over him but he’s still grateful to you.” She handed me an envelope.
“What’s this?” I hesitated, but took it.
“I don’t know. He told me I wasn’t allowed to look at it.” Tammy smiled and left me as I stood looking at the envelope.
I stared at the envelope as I walked over to my desk. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know what was inside or not. Maybe it was a ticket to join them wherever they were, or maybe it was just another way to manipulate me into letting him back in my life. I looked at it hard as if I could see through it enough to tell me to open it or just throw it away.
I shook my head and put it aside. I would deal with it later. Only it kept drawing my eyes to it, and I had to open it. I cursed myself at my weakness as I tore the envelope open. There was a check and a list of names and phone numbers along with a letter from Carl.
Drew,
I would like to thank you for taking such good care of Amy when I didn’t. Most importantly, I thank you for helping me see that she is the most important thing in my life and the only thing that should matter. Amy will not be returning to your center when we come back. The center has been great to her, but I feel she needs a more concentrated focus since her mother died.
I’ve enclosed my last donation to the center, and this time it has everything to do with your ability to teach and care for children and nothing about your other assets. I’ve also enclosed a list of colleagues who are not at all satisfied with their current daycare providers. The ones with deep pockets are at the top and will contribute once they see how great the center is. Use the numbers I’ve provided. They are expecting your call.
Carl A. McWilliams
Chapter 20
“So just like that he’s done?” Dennis couldn’t believe it.
I knew he would have a problem with the fact that Carl wrote me a letter and gave me another big donation, so I took him grocery shopping to ease the reaction. Not that I needed safety, but it definitely felt safer in public. “It looks like it.” I kept looking at the produce and didn’t give him much of a reaction to play on.
“And his sister delivered it.” Dennis still hadn’t moved, and I had to pull the cart up to me.
“Yep.” I pointed at the display in front of me. “What kind of apples do you like?”
“What? Are you really asking me about apples right now?” Dennis’s brows furrowed together, and I could tell he wanted to say a lot more than he could at the moment.
I walked up to him and put my arms around his neck. “Dennis, he’s gone. I’m here with you, doing the very domestic task of grocery shopping and trying to love every minute of it. Please just tell me what apple you like.” I gave him a quick kiss.
“Isn’t this perfect.” Tony stood on the other side of the display and wore a smirk I never wanted to see again. “The new Adam to your Eve. Are you tempted by her,” he paused and looked at my body, “apples?”
“What did you just say?” Dennis was ready to climb over the display, but I held him close.
“Let’s just move on.” I tried to tug him away.
“I see the question in your head, Adam.” Tony leaned forward and whispered. “The answer is yes. I have taken a bite of her apples—several times.”
“Dennis, please.” I kept tugging on his hands, but he wouldn’t move.
Dennis finally looked at me. “Do you know this creep?”
“We know each other quite well.” Tony laughed at Dennis’s reaction. “Oh, aren’t you going to introduce us, Drew?” He made a tsk sound when I couldn’t speak. He offered his hand to Dennis, but didn’t reach far enough for Dennis to actually take it. “The name’s Tony.”
Dennis snapped his head to me. “Tony?”
“You’ve heard of me?” Tony reached over and grabbed an apple off the display we were looking at. He huffed on it and wiped it on his shirt before taking a big bite. As if he weren’t revolting enough, he spoke with his mouth open, spraying apple as he spoke. “She’s a tempting little tart. I could give you a few pointers if you haven’t found all of her sweet spots yet.”
Dennis went around the display, and a couple of guys who were watching the interaction moved to break it up before a fight started. Tony just laughed again as Dennis growled and tried to get to him. Tony was escorted out by one of the managers for eating before paying, while Dennis received a warning for fighting in the store.
I didn’t want to stay in the store, but I continued with our shopping anyway. I knew Dennis would demand answers that I didn’t want to give. Plus, I needed him to calm down. The rest of the shopping trip was very quiet until we reached the freezer section. “When was the last time you saw him?”
I opened the freezer door to get out some frozen dinners for lunches. “A while ago at Terri’s.” I put the boxes in the cart and looked up at Dennis. “If you want a more specific answer, it was actually the day I called myself your girlfriend and you later threw me out.” I turned around and continued down the aisle.
We finished the shopping in silence and loaded up the car. I got in and buckled up, but Dennis was just sitting there staring out the windshield. He hadn’t even started the car yet. I placed my hand on his arm and startled him. “Dennis?”
“Do you still have feelings for him?” Dennis looked at me.
“I’ve never had feelings for Tony.” I realized what he was really asking, and my not having feelings for a man I supposedly had an affair with, didn’t look good. “Can we just go home and talk there? Do you need me to drive?”
Dennis started the car and buckled up. He drove to my apartment without another word. The silence was deafening, but I was afraid to speak. I needed to take some time to figure out how I was going to answer his questions and to figure out how to handle his reaction to the fact that Deb was right—I wasn’t good for him.
We started putting the groceries away, and I kept stealing glances at him, trying to gauge what I needed to tell him versus what he could handle. We had just gotten rid of one man Dennis was worried
about just to have another one show up. Only Dennis didn’t need to be worried about this one.
“How long did it last?” Dennis sat on the barstool and played with the paper bag he’d just emptied.
“It’s not what you think, Dennis.”
He looked at me and narrowed his eyes. “Did you or did you not sleep with him when you were with Craig?”
“Yes, but—”
Dennis started to raise his voice. “How long did it last?”
I started yelling back. “It’s not what you think! I’ll tell you, but—”
“You’ve told me that you’d tell me before, and you never did. I didn’t want to push you, Drew. I wanted you to trust me enough to tell me everything, but you don’t.”
“I do trust you. How can you say that I don’t?”
“Then let me in!” Dennis came over and grabbed the tops of my arms. “You don’t think I hear you in your sleep? When you dream of your past, I hear what you say. I need to hear it from you. I need you to want to tell me.”
“Why would I want to tell you any of that? Why do you want to hear it?” I jerked myself out of his grasp.
“Because I want to help you. I want us to have a future together.” Dennis put his hands in his pockets and shrugged. “I thought you wanted one with me.”
“Dennis, you are my future.”
“Then let me help you let go of the past.”
I leaned against the sink and crossed my arms. “I have let go of it. You’re the one who keeps bringing it up.”
Dennis sighed and closed his eyes briefly. “You’re not going to tell me anything about him, are you?”
I looked at the floor. “I just don’t see how it’s going to do anything but cause problems.”
Dennis grabbed his keys, and I looked up at him. “I love you, Drew, but I’m tired of standing on the outside looking in. If you ever want to let me in, you know where to find me.” Dennis turned and started to walk away.
Striving for Normal (Striving Series) Page 24