by A. M. Rivera
He is raging and shaking me until I feel my teeth rattle. I don’t want to calm him down. I just want to be free. I am afraid, but I don’t think he will really harm me.
“Let me go. I don’t want to be with you anymore. This is just the final straw. It isn’t what I want. The club, the guns, the life, and murder. I can’t stay. Let me leave.”
Maria now steps to us and tries to put her arm between Liam and me and says, “Let her go. Don’t hurt her. Everyone has hurt her. Not you too. Let her go. She can live with us. We have empty rooms. Please let her go, Jefe.”
Liam snaps out of the rage and turns to ice. He releases me without a word and Maria takes me in her arms. We go out the door without looking back and she drives me home in her truck. I cry all the way, locked in my misery. The end came so suddenly. But not really. Doubts have been building all along. I cry.
I lay down on top of the bed in the room Maria assigns me. It was once her daughter’s room. I cry myself to sleep. When I wake up, it is dark and there is shouting and arguing. I remember what brought me here and jump up to investigate. I see Maria’s husband Juan holding a shotgun at the screen door. I hear Liam on the other side of the door. He is cursing and saying, “She’s mine.” He is clearly drunk. Oh God. What a mess.
I stay back in the hallway where he can’t see me. Maria is standing by her husband’s side. It just now hits me how selfish I have been. This will probably cost them both their jobs. What a mess. I am always running away and bringing my mess on someone else. It is why Liam murdered Russell. I want to be independent and stand on my own so bad. Juan makes some additional threats and tells Liam he will shoot him before letting him get to me. He begs Liam to go home and sleep it off. It gets calm and quiet until I finally hear the bike start up. I worry about him riding when he is so drunk. I seem to bring trouble to everyone around me. Please, God. Let him get home safe.
Liam makes a few more late night tries, but we still haven’t spoken. I go to school. He watches me at a distance some days. I am starting a new part time job on campus soon. Turns out Juan and Maria still have their jobs. Maria said Liam wants to keep tabs on me through them. The day after I left, Maria and Juan brought my car and most of my belongings. I am not sure how hard it was, or if Liam has just decided to let me go.
Miserable weeks pass. Word has gotten around the club and I guess Liam is behaving very badly. Gypsy is wrapped up with Mike now, and they live together in his room at the club house. I miss my friends so much. I see Gypsy at school, but she is an old lady now, so no more lunch or coffee get-togethers. She goes to class and straight home.
Mike joins Liam in spying once in a while. I have only talked to Megan on the phone. I miss it all. I do. I mostly miss Liam. I ache for him. I am so sad. I drive myself crazy with thoughts about him. I picture him with other women. With Stacy. With the twins. Without me. Is he happy? He is no longer burdened. Is he relieved? I think he checks up on me only out of his stupid sense of controlling me, not out of love. Gypsy shares with me that he is grumpier than ever before and is using drugs as well as alcohol. He stays wasted a lot of the time now. I worry. Is he going to get into an accident riding drunk? Is he going to get arrested?
Will he go to prison for killing Russell? I feel I am to blame for it all.
Maria doesn’t understand it anymore. She looks at it very simply. If I love him, I should be with him. Simple. I plan to get over him. I plan for my love to fade to nothing. I don’t plan to feel this way forever. I have to stay away from him. If I see him up close, or hear him speak, or feel his touch, I won’t be able to stay away. One of the perks of my new job is the fact that it is on campus for students only. The college is so small that the library and book store are connected. No one outside of students and faculty can use it. So, no Family members and no Liam. I am going to get through this. I am going to move on. But until then, I’m dying. I ache inside both night and day. I forgive his sins. All of them. Even the most awful ones. I love him in spite of all of those things. I know I am in love with a sinner. I know I will never love another person the way I love Liam.
Liam
I am a weak man. That church girl has made me a weak man. I never had relationships. Even with my parents. I never let anyone close. I never had soft feelings. That was before. Before her. I hate that I am that loser. I get wasted to stop thinking about her. It only makes it worse. I need to get lost in some pussy and forget. I can’t. Not even a semi. I am impotent now. I get sick at my stomach when I smell perfume. I crave that clean smell that only Faith has. I remember her taste. I remember her smell. I remember her laid out before me on the bed. Her voice. Her breath on my neck when she sleeps.
This fucking hurts. I have never known this before. Ever. I wanna move on, but I can’t. I know I am poison for her. She needs to be free of me. She looks like she is doing ok without me. I don’t see her tears. But, Maria and Juan tell me she cries for me. They say she loves me and wants to come back to me and I need to give her time to find her way back. I don’t trust that, though. I am not used to waiting for things to happen. I like to force things and make them happen.
Maybe they are just telling me that to keep me from doing something crazy. She looks like she is doing good without me. I see her laughing with her friends and standing around and talking to college boys. Maybe that’s what she wants. I fucking took her cherry. She is supposed to be hung up on me. Not me crying over her. Fuck this. I think I am going insane. I drink until I stop thinking about her, or usually, until I pass out, still thinking about her. I am doing a lot of shit now to try and get numb. Feelings are going to be the death of me. I sometimes let myself think of Malone. Is this how he felt? Was he obsessed? I get it now. Not the pain and torture. I get that I could steal her away somewhere and have her for myself. I could never harm her like that Bastard did, but I get the helpless feeling of wanting her like air to breathe. How did this fucking happen to me?
I close my eyes tight and will my brain to stop and let me sleep. In less than five minutes, I know I am not going to sleep without drugs or alcohol. She seeps into my veins and torments me. I swear I hear her sigh or smell her hair. Fuck this! How long? How long will it take me to move on? I fear nothing now, because death would almost be a relief. I had the club attorney write my first will. The house and land and everything I own go to Faith. Even if she is married with kids by then. It’s all I have to give her. I will never let myself catch feelings for another. Faith took everything inside of me. I am drowning in alcohol and still unable to sleep. I am a pathetic loser all of a sudden, and I hate it.
I get up later than ever. I feel like shit as usual. Jury pours me coffee and tries to discuss some club business. This is good. Don’t think about her. Let’s talk about the club and guns, and deals. Good. I try to focus. I catch Jury and his old lady do some kind of eye contact in pity for me. What the fuck? When did I become this guy? We finally get into it and I am feeling like a bad ass again. I volunteer to do the dirty deed needed on this job once again because like I said, I fear nothing now. Even death.
Mike and Gypsy come in and I know the girl will come report on Faith. She has secretly had my back over this. I am surprised when she sits with us. Jury and Mike are still working it out. Strained, but brothers still, before all else.
I tilt my chin to the girl to get her to speak. She reports like a good little spy almost every day.
“I really don’t know anything Uncle Liam. She was only in her classes this morning. She had a doctor’s appointment this afternoon and missed classes.”
“What doctor’s appointment?” I ask, and she drops her eyes and turns red. I didn’t think this kid was capable of blushing.
Mike and Jury get up and walk into the kitchen to give us privacy. She looks like she doesn’t want to tell me something and I am getting nervous.
“The gyno, Uncle Liam. Jesus!”
“For what? She just got her shot again in September. It should be good for three months. What’s going on?”
>
“I honestly have no idea. You are more up to date on things than I am in that department. She didn’t say why. She just told me she was leaving early to go.”
“All right then.”
“I will let you know if I hear anything about it tomorrow.”
I nod and head to the office. I call Maria first. She tells me she doesn’t know. She wasn’t even aware of the appointment. She assured me Faith hasn’t been sick or told her of any issues. Is my girl pregnant somehow? Pretty sure that isn’t possible. What can be going on with her? I know the office won’t help me if I call there to ask questions. They have to protect her privacy. I decide to go find out for myself.
I see her car parked along the street and pull the bike in behind her. I climb off and see her stop on the sidewalk when she sees me. I do the same. I want this moment to last. I haven’t looked at her in so long.
I know she will get in her car and leave as quickly as possible as soon as she snaps out of it.
“Liam.”
“Hey Baby. How was your appointment?”
“You’re so thin. What’s wrong with you? What’s happened?” She asks standing in the exact same spot. Her eyes are full of unshed tears.
“I asked you a question. How was your appointment?”
“How did you know? Who told you?”
“I saw your car here and figured it out. Now for the last time, how was your appointment?”
“Oh, nothing really, just some girl stuff.” She wipes at her tears.
“You are sick?”
“No. Just female monthly issues. I don’t want to talk about that with you, Liam. You look terrible.”
She isn’t pissed. She is sad. She isn’t trying to escape really. I just have so much going on in my head. I am trying to not say the wrong thing and make her run. It’s just everything is racing around inside of me. I can’t put words together.
“Maria told me you stay at the clubhouse mostly now so she quit cooking for you until you come home. I think you need her cooking, Liam. You have lost so much weight.”
“I can’t stay there. I can’t sleep in that bed.”
Silence. I really just said that. She is blinding me with her beauty and making me weak. Jesus.
“I am so sorry for everything. I’m not sorry I killed Malone and I know you can’t understand that. But I am sorry for everything else. I’m sorry for treating you so roughly in bed and all the time, really. I should have been easier and softer with you. I just don’t know how to do that but I am sorry for all of it.”
“Don’t be sorry. I like it. Or I should say I liked it.”
Fuck me. We are having this crazy conversation on a public sidewalk. Not that there is anyone around to hear. Not in this town. Did she just say she liked it when I treated her roughly?
“I thought you hated me and everything connected to me and our time together.”
“No. I….” She drops off what she started to say but I would swear she was going to say I love you.
I get closer to her and I can just reach out and take her in my arms, but I hold back. She surprises me and doesn’t back away from me.
I have to keep her talking so she won’t go. “So everything with the doctor is ok now, then?”
“Yes. It’s fine.”
I smile to myself over the thoughts I have been having since Gypsy told me about Faith’s appointment. I shake my head at it and try to clear my thoughts.
“What? You’re smiling a little, like laughing to yourself. What is it?” she asks and shows a smile herself.
“When I first found out you were in there seeing that doctor, I thought maybe, somehow, you had gotten pregnant with my baby.”
“Oh,” she says, and lowers her eyes to the ground.
“I thought… I thought if I had got you pregnant, you would be tied to me and I could always be in your life and still see you.”
Her face is flushed now as she raises her eyes to meet mine. “I think I’d like that too.”
“Faith, Baby.” I take the last step until she is in my arms. On the sidewalk, middle of the afternoon, in front of the world. She lets me hold her. She isn’t really holding me back, but her hands rest on my sides. I brush her loose strands of hair back off of her face and hold her jaw in my hand.
“What are we doing, Baby?”
She lays her head against my chest and says nothing. We just feel each other. I am not sure what is going on. I panic thinking she still plans to walk away. I think I will force her to come with me and not let her go so easy this time. Then I think of Malone. Fuck me.
“I had been going over the words in my head. I was trying to decide what to say to you to talk you into taking me back and giving me another chance,” I admit.
She just looks up at me and returns her cheek to my chest. I hold her face again and make her look at me.
“Then I saw it in your eyes. You never left me. You are still mine.” I place a small kiss on the corner of her mouth.“Faith, please come back to me. Come home with me.”
“Do you just want to sleep with me?” she asks in a quiet voice, and what I think she is asking is if I only want sex.
“Yes. I want to sleep with you. Tonight and every night for the rest of my life.”
“Forever?”
“Absolutely forever. I want to marry you and I want you to give me babies. Forever, Faith. You are the one. No one else. Just you, Church Girl.”
“I want that too, Liam. I want to come home.”
Faith
It can’t be this easy. I hated this man. I hated everything about his life. Mostly, I hated the way he made me love him so much. We broke up so fast and it felt so final. I just now know what life without him felt like. I hated that. If he wants me still, I want to be with him. He says forever, and I want forever. I have wanted a forever with this man since I was a young girl. If he is offering that, I am grabbing it with both hands. I can finish school and have my little part-time job. I will eventually get my degree and have a real career.
I will just be a career lady with the biker husband. We can do this. I am not okay at all with the things Liam has done that are illegal and immoral, but I love him more. The people in the club showed me nothing but kindness and acceptance. They never judged me. I love all of them and refuse to pass anymore judgements against any of them, especially Liam. Never before or since have I felt loved and protected like the club made me feel. I am the lucky one to be a part of Liam’s life. I love his rough, powerful, beyond all boundaries, way of loving me. I can never get enough of it. Any other way would be boring. I know that being with Liam is what I want most in life, even if that goes against everything a young, modern woman should feel. It is honest. All of the other issues will work around us as long as we love each other. Where did all of this new found wisdom come from? I guess seeing him up close and in the flesh made everything clear to me.
“Forgive me?” he asks, resting his forehead down on mine.
“If you forgive me.”
“You did nothing wrong,” he says and begins walking me to the back of his bike.
“Wait! My car?”
“I will send a prospect to drive it home. You left the key inside.”
“Very observant of you.” I smile.
“It’s in my criminal nature,” he jokes and I have only a small twinge of unease at his comment. I am ok.
“Where to?” he asks.
I see he is wanting more than conversation by the way his none-too-tight jeans are tenting in front.“You are going to hate me, but we need to go to Juan and Maria’s first.”
“Ok. Whatever makes you happy, Baby.”
“I have to tell them. They have been so worried about me and taken such good care of me. Besides, you need to eat something!”
Epilogue
Faith
We had a major biker wedding at the church in town, of all places. We discussed Vegas the very night we got back together, but Maria freaked out over it. Deep down, I wanted a real wedding w
ith everyone in attendance. My friends are my family now. I had real legit wedding invitations so I mailed one to my parents and told them I would love for all of my family to attend. I knew nothing would come of it, but it felt good to reach out to them and let them know I love them still and always will.
The ceremony was surprisingly subdued with everyone from the club on their best behavior. The church was filled completely with everyone along with their kids and babies, including Megan’s new baby girl.
I did the whole traditional white dress. Mostly because that was Liam’s vision. I was glad I did when I saw his face as Juan walked me up the aisle. Liam wore his cut over a white dress shirt. Cuts were everywhere, but only Liam wore the white shirt.
With my white dress hiked up, I rode behind Liam on the bike to our home for the reception. I know, very tacky. Very biker trashy. That’s me! I was amazed at how beautiful they made our place for the reception.