"Did… I do something wrong? Why are you crying?" Mother asked, looking so innocent and confused. She doesn't understand. She'll never get it. Doesn't matter what medication she takes. She'll only see Gabriel and never me, Jewel.
I heard the door open and footsteps enter the house. "Jewel?" Logan's soft-spoken voice entered the room and I bit my lip. From the whiff of the air, I knew his mother was with him by the sweet floral scent of perfume.
"Logan? Maybe you can talk to Gabriel. He's getting upset over the fact he got into Brighten Magic Academy! I had to use lots of connections to get him in and he's crying,” she huffed.
"Charlotte, that’s Jewel," Logan's mother whispered, her voice filled with remorse.
Mother frowned, looking at me then back at her friend. "But… Gabriel-" she began. I took a shaky breath, having enough of this.
"Gabriel's dead," I whispered under my breath but was loud enough for Mother and Alice to hear.
"Gabriel! Why would say you’re dead? You're right here," Mother scolded and I lifted my head to glare at her. She froze while Alice's grip on my shoulder tightened.
"Jewel, wait,” Alice whispered but I lost it.
"I'm not Gabriel! For the millionth time, Mom! Can't you for once see me for who I am? I'M JEWEL! Jewel Starfire! Why can't you see me?" I screamed. Mother stared at me, sadness trickled in her expression.
"But…Gabriel..."
"GABRIEL IS DEAD! HE DIED! Killed at the same school you now want me to attend!" I shouted, throwing the invite on the table.
The room was dead silent and I continued to glare at Mother, whose eyes pooled with tears.
I didn't care that I made her cry. Didn't she see my tears? My pain? At least once every day, she reminded me of Gabriel. Whether it was his color hair or the way she wished my eyes matched hers like Gabriel's.
How was I supposed to move on from the ache he left behind if every single day I was reminded of his presence, forced to remember that my magic was too weak to be this so-called prodigy and that everyone wanted to dictate what future I deserved.
I watched as the realization of her mistake settled into her expression and she tried to reach out to me. "Jewel? I'm… I'm sor-" I didn't let her finish, rushing from the room and heading for the door.
"Fuck, Jewel!" Logan called out to me but I didn't want to be with anyone. I couldn't be around anyone right now because I'd hurt them with the magic that felt my pain and agony. It sympathized with me and would do anything to protect my heart from getting hurt. I snapped my fingers and the room disappeared and I materialized in a cemetery.
I didn't delay, my legs already moving on their own as I headed to the two tombstones at the top of the hill. I wasn't in the proper attire to be paying my respects or to withstand the chilly breeze that fluttered past, but I needed to say something. To cry out my sorrows to the people I wished were still in my life.
I reached the two large marble graves, one for Father and the other for Gabriel. I knelt down, fixing my tank top and running my hands through my hair to look somewhat decent for them.
"Evening Dad. Hey Gab. Weird for me to randomly be here today without any flowers for you," I choked, using my hands to wipe away the tears that continued to roll down my cheeks.
"I made Mom cry today. I didn't mean to. Well… at the time I did. I wanted her to understand. Why can't she see me? I have your eyes, Father. I do have some similarities to you, Gabriel, but isn't it obvious that I'm a girl and you were a boy? Why don't we have magic that can cure her? Why do I have to continue living in the shadows of Gab, Father? Why aren't you both still here? Gabriel, you said you'd always be here for Mother and I. Well, I need you. Can't you come back just this once? Can't you just come and tell Mom I'm Jewel and not you? Please? If you can't, I understand… but can I at least get a hug? One last hug, from my older brother that I miss so much. Can't I listen to your deep voice, Father and have you lift me up one last time? Just once… one… more time?"
I sobbed loudly, wanting so badly to feel their love one last time. It took me years before I was able to accept both of their deaths, yet here I was crying over their graves, the pain still fresh like the day of their funerals.
Something soft brushed against my hand and I opened my eyes to see Alice in her fox form. A flower for Father and Brother was on each of their graves and she had one in her mouth for me. She lowered it to the ground and walked into my lap, lifting her two front paws up in a gesture to show that she too, wanted a hug.
I whimpered, wrapping my arms around my familiar. Her sadness vibrated through me, making me cry harder. We didn't deserve this. The action of one person who thought it would be fun to bully my brother left me broken over and over again.
Something warm fell onto my shoulders and arms encircled us both. The strong scent of caramel made me cry harder into Logan's chest as I held Alice, who whimpered softly.
"It's okay to be sad, Jewel. I'll just hold you and you can cry as long as you want," Logan comforted. I didn't deserve such a wonderful man in my life.
I felt horrible for screaming and storming out. Maybe I'd finally burned out, exhausted after years of taking care of my mother while trying to balance the life I wished to live with the harsh reality I had to deal with, whether it was from school or gatherings.
I just wanted to belong, without the worry that someone would find out about my sad past. To live and enjoy friends, school, and being able to use my magic not out of spite, but to make a positive change.
For one moment, I wished that my mistaken identity could be used to my own benefit to do things I've never had the chance to enjoy and experience. Maybe it was time I took a break and focused only on me.
Maybe this opportunity would give me just that.
"I can't believe I'm doing this," I grumbled, feeling exhausted.
"It's worth a shot. Are you sure you aren't tired?" Logan questioned, eyeing me carefully. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
"I'm fine. Maybe I’ll have a large glass of wine after," I mumbled under my breath as I began to imagine what I wanted to look like.
"I'll let you drink two if you accomplish this," Logan encouraged and I grinned.
It was Saturday evening and I had one day left to try and nail down this spell before I attempted the entrance test at Brighten Magic Academy.
After my little breakdown, I stayed over at Logan's, not having the courage to face my mom after I'd snapped at her. Logan assured me she was with his mom and that she'd explain to my mom exactly why I was upset. I'd spent today at his place sleeping, needing a good rest for practicing the spell to shift my gender completely.
It was similar to shapeshifting but switching from a girl to a boy took an extensive amount of mana, which meant I had to make sure I had enough to sustain the appearance and extra if we had to do anything magic related while in that form.
Ms. Landsford had come over to Logan's place after hearing about my reaction from my mother. She explained she couldn't say no to my mother's pleas, especially with her contribution to the school before and even after Gabriel's death, long before her Alzheimer's diagnosis and her slow mental decline.
She's registered me as Jinn since it was on the record that I had a cousin with the same name that lived somewhere on the other side of the world. The headmaster was informed of the situation, as well as the main nurse, but no one else would know that I was really a girl. Well, aside from Logan who'd been the happiest I'd seen him in weeks.
Even now, he sat crossed legged with a big grin on his face, happy that I would be going to the same school as him. I sighed, shaking my head at him.
"You’re only allowing me to drink because you're super excited I'm attending school with you. As a BOY, if that minor detail hadn't sunk in yet," I reminded.
"Your point?" He raised an eyebrow at me.
"You can't kiss me or touch me in a weird way," I pointed out.
"Outdoors, I guess. Indoors is a whole different matter." He winked and my face burne
d up.
"No! That… wait that doesn't make any sense." I countered, pointing a finger at him. He relaxed on my bed, using his hands to support himself as he leaned back.
"I could care less if you’re in girl form or boy form, Jewel. If I feel like kissing you, I'll do it,” he declared confidently. My hand fell to my side as I stared at him.
"You aren't bisexual," I countered.
"Don't have to be. It's not like I'm attracted to other boys. I'm attracted solely to you. Doesn't matter what gender you are. It won’t change my feelings for you,” he confessed. I blushed, but my eyes remained fixed on his determined ones. I knew he was serious and meant every single word.
"Logan is such a romantic."
We turned our head to see Alice who was relaxed in the doorway, watching our little dispute with a cookie in her mouth.
"When did you get here without us hearing you? Also, I want a cookie," I demanded. She giggled, walking into the room and closing the door with her hip. She had a plate of cookies and a tray with three glasses of milk.
"Logan's dad passed by and brought food. Obviously, dessert comes first,” she sang happily. Alice became a completely different person when sweets were involved. I did need her happier side today, feeling discouraged that I hadn't been able to successfully complete the spell yet.
"Let's take a break," Logan announced, rising up and grabbing two of the glasses of milk off the plate, passing one to me. I thanked him before expressing my gratitude to Alice for the snack.
I sat on the bed and Logan sat next to me, both enjoying a cool glass of white liquid.
"Milk always taste so fresh," Logan sighed.
"I never knew freshness had a taste," I joked.
"It does. This,” he said dramatically, raising the glass like it was a holy grail.
"You need to admit you have some type of milk addiction," I laughed.
"Just as you have a wine addiction. If it wasn't for the fact I monitor your fridge as much as I do you, I'd guarantee you'd drink every day,” he pointed out.
"No," I grumbled under my breath and he chuckled.
"Let's just agree that there's probably someone out there in the universe that shares our love for milk and wine, alright?" he considered, lifting his glass to toast mine. I giggled, raising mine to clink his. "Agreed. To milk and wine addicts across the galaxy."
Alice smirked, pulling out Logan's desk chair to sit. She passed us the plate of cookies, each of us took one of the large macadamia nut cookies and began nibbling away.
"Do you think I can pull this off though?" I asked, second guessing my magic. Sustaining my male appearance wouldn't be the problem. Initiating the spell was what was most draining, both magically and physically, on the body.
Alice finished her glass of milk, placing the empty glass on the desk behind her before she turned and placed her arms to rest on the back of the wooden chair in front of her.
"You have enough energy to do it. It's a hard skill initially but once your magic adapts to using it, your mana speed will increase to recuperate. Once you get the hang of it, you should be able to stay in the form with ease. You just can't switch back and forth over and over again," Alice explained.
Logan nodded, finishing his glass. "I asked Mother about it when you were asleep. When you switch to your male counterpart, you'll feel normal, just as you do now, except you'll be a male instead of a female. She said with your mana level, you could switch back to your female form and again into your male form about twice in a day, but no more than that, unless you want to pass out and switch back."
"That doesn't sound very fun so I'll pass. Also, don't see the need to switch back and forth. You said we get dorms right?" I asked.
"Yes, but your gonna have a roommate,” he announced.
"Ugh!" Alice and I exclaimed, cringing at the suggestion of a roommate.
"Can I write on my applications I hate people and people don't like me? Will that work?" I asked.
"Also add below that her familiar isn't friendly and will rip the shit out of the person," Alice added.
"You really think I'm letting you have a roommate that isn't me?" Logan questioned with a mischievous grin. Alice and I shared a look.
"What did you do?" we asked in unison and Logan rose up, taking our glasses and the empty plate.
"As a member of the Cross family, I used my amazing connections to ensure my partner for the test is a male named Jinn Starfire, who happens to be my girlfriend's cousin." He winked at our shocked expression and made his way out the door.
"Marry him," Alice whispered and I nodded, before realizing what she said.
"OMG. No! I mean, yes… I mean. UGH! Never mind! Change the topic." I waved my hands and Alice grinned before her smile fell to a serious look.
I noticed the concern in her purple eyes. "Is Mom okay?" I asked. Alice must have gone and checked on her sometimes when I was sleeping.
"She's fine. I talked to her a bit. She's sorry she didn't recognize you and put you in this mess. She said if you don't want to go to a magic school, you can decline the invitation. She won't hate us or anything. She just wants us to be happy and wished she wasn't a burden to us," Alice whispered the last sentence, looking depressed.
I frowned at her words, letting my hands run through my messy locks. "Great, I made her sad and think she's a burden. Some daughter I am." I exhaled, feeling shitty.
"You're being too hard on yourself. Just because you're not taking care of all her physical needs, doesn't mean it isn't draining on you, Jewel. You've given Mother all you can to help her and have made a lot of sacrifices to ensure she was happy. Maybe you’re right. I think… to me, you need a break. Everyone needs a break from a repetitive lifestyle or routine. I think doing this will shake things up and be a little fun. Think of it as having a whole new persona and no one but Logan knows it's us," Alice suggested, standing up and coming to sit next to me.
She pressed her hands against my cheeks, turning my head to face her. "This could be our calling to make a difference. I don't know how it would do anything to change others’ lives, but I think it would give us an opportunity to figure out what we wanna do to help bring more good to the world,” she proposed.
I stared into her hopeful eyes, understanding that she didn't want me to miss this opportunity due to my insecurities. She wanted me to start living in the present, rather than dwelling on the past.
I smiled. "I'll give it a shot."
She grinned, her eyes pooling with tears and she quickly blinked them as she moved away. "Ah. A fly went in my eye,” she announced dramatically as Logan walked back in, raising an eyebrow at Alice who rushed past him to the washroom.
"She hates showing her emotions, huh?" Logan inquired. I rose up and nodded, walking over to him. I slid my arms around him, giving him a hug.
"What's this for?" he asked, returning my embrace.
"Thanks for accepting my weird, insecure self and my even weirder familiar," I joked but I honestly meant it. Logan was just a rare example of the human race, the type I knew people dreamed to have in a partner. I just wanted him to know how much I appreciated his love.
"I like weird," he joked but kissed my neck and held me tight. We pulled back to stare at one another and I leaned up to give him a kiss.
"I especially love when you kiss me,” he whispered, his lips brushing against mine.
"I'll do it as often as I can," I reassured him. Logan wasn't the type to always tell me what he liked and hated, but I felt since our relationship went to the next level, he'd been a lot more open with me.
"Want to try again?" he asked.
I nodded excitedly. "Yes!" I cheered. He laughed at my excitement and gave me space to concentrate. Alice returned but she was in her owl form, flying into the room and onto Logan's shoulder. He reached out and petted her head, saying she didn't need to be so shy which resulted in her poking his hand with her beak.
"Ow. Never honest," Logan grumbled, but turned to me with a smirk on his lips.<
br />
"Ready?" he asked.
"Yes. Let's try this again." I pumped myself up, closing my eyes.
"Hoot!" Alice encouraged and I smiled. Here it goes.
"Holy hotcakes. I'd tap that!" Alice exclaimed.
"Hmm... I have to admit, I'd totally kiss you," Logan nodded, his arms crossed over his chest.
"This is totally not funny," I declared, looking over to stare at the both of them.
"I wasn't kidding. I'm dead serious. Where's my fan? Thank goodness I'm a familiar and don't need to deal with these silly hormones females experience. Look, look. I bet Logan's growing hard for you." Alice laughed when Logan's face grew beet red. He turned around, facing away from me.
"I am not!” he shouted. Alice laughed harder.
"YOU SO ARE! Turn around, let me see." She laughed so hard tears were in her eyes; she wrapped her arms around her stomach before falling off Logan's chair.
I ruffled my now-short hair and frowned at Logan's back. I quietly made my way to him, resting my chin on his left shoulder.
"Are you turned on?" I asked, my deep voice sounding like a different person to me. He was quiet and I could sense his nerves.
He turned his head slightly to meet my now gold eyes that matched his. "Yes… a little. You're hotter than I thought you'd turn out to be,” he mumbled, his cheeks still flushed with embarrassment.
"I told you you're hot! Woot. I should call the fire department. We have a steamy emergency on the second floor. Two sexy men having a wonderful fling of abs and peni-"
"Alice! Out!" I huffed, using the wind to roll her body out the door and close it behind her. It didn't prevent us from hearing her roaring laughter and I groaned.
"Sorry. She's lost it," I apologized.
"It's fine," Logan mumbled, slowly turning around to face me.
We now stood at the same 6'2” height and my hair was slightly shorter than his. My eyes were a brighter gold than his, with little flecks of red in them. My skin was still as tan as before and still kept a smooth appearance with very little body hair. My face was clean shaven and I didn't have any acne which was a bonus. Logan and I had a similar build, but he had more muscle definition than me. I'd taken a quick peek when I changed clothes and I had to admit, my lower region was a woman's dreams. I even made sure I had the arrow directing straight to my long length. Guess it benefits to have a vivid imagination.
REFLECTIONS OF YOU (Brighten Magic Academy Book 1) Page 6