Em and I stand in the doorway of his room for a long time, neither one of us saying a word as we stare at the crib, the dim nightlight bright enough to illuminate his angelic face.
When I shift around, Em’s gaze finds mine. Her face is red and puffy from all the crying earlier. Fatigue is deeply carved in her features, and I’m positive I look the same.
Without a doubt, this evening left a mark on both of us. The visible one will be gone by tomorrow or whenever we’re able to get a good sleep.
The invisible one probably not.
I have a feeling this horror, this terror-clawing panic in my chest, will stay with me for a very long time.
Looking at her, seeing her in this much pain, cracks a piece of my heart.
When her eyes appear overly shiny, and she starts blinking rapidly, I open my arms for her. She doesn’t hesitate, stepping right into my embrace, and I’m not planning on letting go of her anytime soon. I need this contact just as much.
Somehow I manage to get us into the living room and to the couch without letting go of her. She’s a quiet crier, her shoulders gently shaking as the tension in her body slowly leaves her.
When I sit down, it feels natural to pull her onto my lap. And that’s where she finally comes to rest, her body calming down, softening in my arms. Quiet sniffles the only noise, except for the baby monitor that’s yanked up to the max volume, gentle rain sounds creating harmonious background music.
With my chin on Em’s head, I inhale deeply and close my eyes, willing away the pictures sure to haunt me for days if not weeks or months.
Seeing my child in a lifeless heap on the floor, his innocent face turning blue, is nothing I’ll be able to forget anytime soon.
It has changed me.
Especially since we haven’t been able to get Lila’s medical records, but my lawyer is working on that. Privacy laws are complex, but hopefully, we can find a way around them. It would be helpful to have them now particularly.
Em tries to draw back, to pull out of my arms, but I’m having a hard time allowing her to do so.
Right now, I don’t ever want to let go, needing this contact to feel alive. To confirm that everything is truly okay.
She wiggles again, and I loosen my hold on her. Marginally. “I wasn’t planning on snotting all over you, sorry.”
Her eyes are puffy, her face flushed, but she’s still beautiful.
Her beauty is bone deep and surpasses her outer layer in a way that’s indescribable. There’s this shimmering piece of personality in her eyes, visible in the way they flash all-encompassing. It’s captivating, and I’ve never witnessed anything like this before.
“I’d say you can snot all over me, but that sounds all sorts of wrong.” My voice is gravelly, my throat dry, like I haven’t used it in weeks.
At least my comment brings a smile to her lips. It’s small, and only lasts about two seconds, but it was there.
And I put it there.
This is the first happy moment since the accident, and warmth spreads throughout my chest at the realization. I needed that. I needed a glimpse of hope, of normalcy, knowing we’ll be able to get back to a normal life, whatever that means after a day like today.
“Thanks. That felt good after everything. I’m still trying to process what happened.”
I nod. “I know exactly what you mean. My brain keeps replaying the scene on an endless loop, and it’s driving me crazy. At this point, I’m not sure how I’m ever going to sleep.”
Her eyes widen at my words, and her lower lip trembles. “Me too. I . . . would you mind if I stayed a little longer? My roommate is with her boyfriend, and I don’t want to be alone.”
Before I have a chance to respond, she opens her mouth again.
“Maybe we could watch a movie or something?”
Her voice is soft, a hint of uncertainty in it, but her eyes . . . they’re still on me, strong and inquiring like they’re trying to figure me out. Or maybe she’s searching for that same connection I am? That need to connect too loud to ignore?
Another part of my brain snaps to life, noticing how close we are, how good and right she feels in my arms. My gaze flickers to her mouth, and Em doesn’t miss my wandering eyes, her lips parting on a soft inhale that makes my heart pick up speed.
I’m about to lean in—pushing aside all questioning thoughts—when the baby monitor comes to life on the coffee table.
Em is off my lap, and I’m off the couch in a nanosecond, both of us on the floor and leaning over the screen.
“He’s snoring.” Em chuckles softly and lets her head fall back against the couch. “I think I just had a heart attack. Another one.”
Brushing a hand over my face, I stare at the monitor for another moment, watching Tanner move around and settling in another sleeping position. “Fuck, I know.”
I lean back and stare at the ceiling before facing her.
Her eyes are already waiting for me, pulling me right back under like every time our gazes meet.
She tilts her head. “So . . . you want to watch a movie?”
“Sure.” I don’t have to think about it. I know I’d say yes to pretty much anything right now to ensure she won’t leave.
Neither one of us moves though. Instead, we keep staring at each other like the connection between us is the only thing keeping us grounded at this point.
“What do you want to watch?” My gaze flickers to her lips and my newfound fascination with them.
I think I’m on my way to turning them into an obsession. Because those lips aren’t just kissable. They’re fucking perfect. Waiting to be devoured like they’ve never been devoured before.
The urge to kiss her in a way that erases all memories of any man who’s ever even looked at her grows in my chest, surging through me with a strength that almost makes me growl.
Either she’s oblivious to the fire burning within me, or she ignores it. “Do you want to pick something? I need to use the bathroom.”
My brain’s foggy but somehow I manage to push through it. “Okay.”
“Do you want something from the kitchen?”
“Maybe a drink from the fridge?”
“Okay.”
“Thanks.”
She nods. “Of course.”
After hesitating for a moment, she walks across the living room, leaving me to my mixed thoughts and emotions.
What a day.
Who would have thought that it would end not only with a heart-attack-inducing accident but also with a movie night that seems to screw with my mind even more.
One look at her, one look at that gorgeous face, and that sexy ass swaying like leaves in the wind, makes one thing blatantly clear.
I want her.
I want Em with my whole being.
Seventeen
Emilia
Warmth surrounds me like a blanket, and I sigh happily, snuggling deeper into this cocoon of comfort. Until it moves.
It freaking moves.
I freeze, still as a statue, as I try to find my way through my fuzzy brain, willing away the clouds of sleep that cling to me like an unwelcome fungus.
When something squeezes my boob, it does the trick.
My eyes fly open, immediately zooming in on the hand on my chest. A big, broad, and very manly hand. One that I immediately recognize as Jace’s because well, I might have noticed his long . . . fingers before.
Now that my brain’s awake, and my senses have come to life, I also feel his breath on my neck. It’s slow and even, hopefully meaning he’s still sleeping.
Looks like Jace enjoys squeezing boobs in his sleep. I’ll make sure to remember that.
I continue to lie there like a weirdo, face smooshed halfway in the couch, my brain replaying images of yesterday.
First, the terrible accident. Those memories squeeze my heart in a paralyzing way every time I think about it, making it hard to breathe. Like someone’s trying to choke me with their bare hands.
And then, images
of last night.
Once the terror gave way to the sweet relief of knowing that Tanner’s okay, a reprieve so powerful, I wanted to sink to my knees and cry like a baby. I had never felt anything like that before.
After feeling like I barely escaped a tragedy, I don’t know how people do it. I don’t know how people get over that void.
I thought for only a few minutes I’d lost someone who’d securely planted himself into my heart in the short time I’ve known him.
Because how could I not love this boy? Despite the hardships Tanner had to endure, and the changes he’s had to go through, he’s adjusted so well. It’s probably a good thing he’s so young and doesn’t always understand what’s going on around him.
As if summoned, the screen of the baby monitor turns on, showing Tanner moving in his crib. Not sure what sound triggered the camera, but it looks like he’s still sleeping, probably adjusting his position.
Sweet, adorable Tanner.
The thought of losing him was absolutely incapacitating. To see the life leave his normally happy face drained me of everything. For a while there, when I thought we might have lost him, I couldn’t feel anything. I was numb, utterly empty.
And then the pain slammed into me with a brutality I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It scared me, took away some of my positivity and hope, leaving a dark, vast space behind. It hurts to think about and I press my eyes closed, wanting to escape this terrible feeling.
My lip trembles as I blow out a breath, trying to control my emotions that try to bubble to the surface.
“Shh. It’s okay. He’s okay.” Jace’s voice is rough, but also displays a tenderness I didn’t know about until last night.
The same tenderness he showed me when he soothed my bleeding heart, holding me so close to him as if he was afraid I’d break apart otherwise. And I might have. No, I’m sure I would have.
I still broke down, but Jace was the reason I didn’t break apart.
This man who still has the occasional unsure moment around his son showed me a kindness I’ll never be able to forget and also hope I’ll never have to repay in a similar situation. Even though I would. In an instant. Without a single doubt.
For him, I would because his heart is pure, and his intentions are good.
His hand moves away from my breast to my collarbone, adding pressure to my body to pull me back, to pull me closer to his body. His other hand finds its way up the length of my body to push a few loose strands of hair out of my face. Since my mane of hair is piled on top of my head in a messy bun, they must have fallen out.
Another “Shh” in that seductive low voice.
I can’t hold back the shiver rippling through my body, successfully distracting me from the mini-meltdown I just had.
“You okay?” His lips are so close to my shoulder, they brush my skin.
Maybe it’s wrong, but I have to close my eyes and bite my lip to contain the moan that wants to escape. The contact was miniscule, innocent, yet it lit a flame inside my body that’s been on a low simmer ever since I’ve gotten to know Jace better.
“Mm-hmm.” I hope he can’t detect the squeakiness in my voice, my telltale sign when I’m fibbing.
Am I really lying? I’m still shaken over yesterday’s events, and probably will be for a while, but I am okay. Unsure of what any of the new developments of last night mean for us, but it sure feels okay to be in his arms.
More than okay.
“Good.” A satisfied grumbling sound comes from his chest after a deep inhale.
Yet, he still doesn’t move.
He’s awake, talking to me, and still holding me to him.
Like it’s the most natural thing to watch a movie together, fall asleep next to each other, and somehow wake up in a tight embrace.
Like he needs this as much as I do.
Maybe it holds him together too.
We didn’t really talk much about what happened. Both of us too shocked to put into words what almost happened. Too distraught to put labels on the turmoil going on inside of us.
“I could get used to this.” His nose runs up and down my neck. “You smell so good. Like lavender and sunshine.”
He inhales deeply, his nose tickling my skin, and that’s when I feel it. His hard length pressing into my butt.
Holy crap on a cracker.
Is he still half-asleep and that’s why he hasn’t pulled back yet?
No, he just talked about Tanner and asked if I was okay. Or can people who talk in their sleep have conversations like this?
His chuckle, the low rumble at my back, pulls me out of my thoughts. “Sorry, it’s morning.”
“Huh?” Way to go, Millie. Yes, let’s play dumb.
Another chuckle from behind, a movement that pushes his erection even more into my butt.
Or did I push back? No, I didn’t, right?
I’d die from embarrassment, that’s for sure.
“I can feel you tense up, Em.” This sexy voice. “Not to mention, I wouldn’t—”
The monitor flashes to life once more, but this time with a babbling Tanner.
Pressing my eyelids together, I inhale deeply, trying not to finish his sentence. Because what good thing could have possibly followed his statement?
I wouldn’t get an erection because of you? I wouldn’t push it into your ass and make you all hot and bothered? I wouldn’t act on it because I’m your boss, even though I just snuggled you like you actually mean something to me?
Talk about all my fears coming out to play.
Goodness.
I’m not sure about his intentions, but my skin is tingling everywhere, my heart giddy behind my rib cage, excited at the possibility of playing, momentarily shutting my worried brain.
What is this man doing to me?
It's one thing to find him attractive, and then to start liking him after spending so much time together, but now . . . things have changed.
He’s quickly become a huge part of my everyday life—which is to be expected when I spend most of my time on and off the job with him. We’ve just kind of fallen into a natural rhythm with our schedules. I take care of Tanner when Jace isn’t home, and when he is here, we take care of him together.
Almost like a family.
This is how I know these two guys, as a double deal.
Two for one.
And I think about them constantly when I’m not with them, which isn’t often these days.
They even distract me from my side project and my possible audition, even though I should be thinking about that all the time.
My life’s dream.
Getting the job that will finally prove to my family that I can do something great too. That I can achieve big things outside the corporate world, and without their help.
And with Jace allowing me to use the spare room when Tanner is sleeping, I’ve already recorded most of the videos for my project, my very own music program for kids.
Jace’s lips are traveling down the back of my neck, pulling me successfully out of my thoughts and throwing me into a bout of lust instead. A sound vibrates in my throat that can only be described as a purr, and I’m not even embarrassed about it.
His hands feel right on me, his lips like they belong on my skin.
When he follows the curve of my neck to my shoulder, my toes curl, and I'm ready to beg him. For what exactly I'm not sure, but I'm willing to find out. I want to find out.
His hands are on the move, inching towards my chest once more when the monitor comes to life again, presenting us with a clapping and babble-singing Tanner, who's clearly enjoying the new songs we've been practicing.
Jace groans, his hands falling off my body as he rolls onto his back. "He sure has the worst timing."
I chuckle, attempting to get my pounding heart under control.
Tanner lets out a choking cough, and Jace and I scramble to our feet, hurrying to his room like our behinds are on fire. Of course, Tanner greets us with a big grin and a friendly wave.
My poor heart. Between the two of them, it’s in for a wild ride.
Jace gets Tanner out of his crib and snuggles with him, a sight that will never get old.
They walk over to me, and I plant a kiss on Tanner’s outstretched hand, making him giggle.
Jace bends down with his mouth close to my ear. “Don’t think we’re done yet, sweet Em. We’ve only just gotten started.”
With that, he drags his lips over to my cheek and kisses it, his mouth grazing the very edge of mine.
I close my eyes, giving my body a moment to recover from this moment and this man.
I’m not sure I’m ready for whatever he has in store for me, or if it’s a good idea. But I know that nothing has ever felt this good, so right before, and that I’m incapable of resisting Jace’s touch.
Eighteen
Jace
I barely see Em the next few days, and I hate it.
I miss her. It’s plain and simple.
But Coach is also having my ass because of my poor performance lately, and I know he’s right. My focus hasn’t been the same, and I haven’t been taking good care of my body lately either. How could I have?
Nationals should be a walk in the park compared to what’s waiting for me next year at the Olympics. But what are the chances of achieving my dream if I fail at this upcoming competition?
I know that if I want to reach my goal of beating the only record that stands between me and being the most adorned Olympic swimmer of all times, I need to get my head back in the game.
Right now.
That means making sure I give my body the rest it needs since that’s always played a huge part in my routine, and why I’ve been capable of pushing myself the way I did all these years.
If that means I get to spend less time with Tanner and Em, then that’s just what it needs to be right now. Instead, I’ll have to make the time we have together count more, schedule them in my busy calendar like everything else.
I’m sure they’ll understand. Plus, I want to make them proud too.
For the first time in my life, I want to make someone else other than my parents proud.
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