I want it all.
I want my dream job and my dream guy.
Is that too much to ask?
Twenty-Two
Jace
Swimming. Tanner. Em.
That’s what my life has come down to.
The guys are giving me shit for having missed another Sunday with them, but I don’t care.
My lunch and make-out sessions with Em were worth it. Way worth it.
And I can’t wait for the next round.
Even though I’m training less due to my swimming taper, I’ve been busier than usual this week. Getting some extra relaxation sessions in, talking to Coach. Giving my body time to collect the energy it needs for the upcoming competition.
Despite everything, I feel like it has all just piled up, and I’ve barely seen Tanner when I get home, let alone spend time with Em.
All I want to do when my work day is finally done is go to sleep.
I’m still in the first phase of my taper where I feel sluggish. The accumulated fatigue is taking its sweet time to disappear despite me getting more rest. But I have to push through it so I can perform better at Nationals next week.
Tonight has been an extra late night, and the house is almost dark except for the stove light in the kitchen and the soft glow coming from Tanner’s bedroom.
After putting my things on the kitchen counter, I make my way over to his room, stopping in the doorway.
Em is sitting in the oversized rocking chair in the corner of the room with Tanner on her chest. From the looks of it, they’re both passed out.
Seeing them like this does something to me. They both entered my life at the same time, a double-deal that has changed my life drastically. It’s hard to remember how it was when it was just me. Looking back now, it seems . . . empty.
Sure, my life has turned into a crazy show, my house now one big kid’s showcase with drawings on the fridge, crayons and colored paper on the table, and toys wherever you look. But just like the objects have taken up space in the house, Tanner has taken up space in my heart I wasn’t even aware of.
Add Em to the mix, and my heart doesn’t know what to do with itself anymore. I wasn’t lying when I told her I wanted to see where things are going with us. I’m not sure yet what this is between us, but I definitely want to explore it. Badly.
Even though I’m still not one hundred percent sure how all of this is supposed to work out. Or whether I’m stupid for even considering this right now. I need to focus on my job. Do I actually have anything left over for Em?
If my life was busy before these two entered, I’m in dire need of a clone or two by now. There just aren’t enough hours in the day to give each area the proper attention it deserves.
Or at least that’s what it seems like at this point.
I shift my weight on my other foot, and the floorboard underneath me creaks.
Crap.
I hold back a groan when Em moves her head, her eyes slowly opening. She blinks several times, her eyes still unfocused as she looks around. When her gaze settles on me, the corners of her mouth lift into a small smile.
That’s all it takes for my worries to disappear into thin air. At least, momentarily.
After adjusting her grip on Tanner, she stands up with him in her arms, and I take a few steps, meeting her by the crib. Em gives me a chance to kiss his forehead gently before she puts him in his bed and we leave the room with whispered “Good Nights” and “I love yous.”
We quietly make our way to the dark living room, the dim light in the kitchen still the only light source. Em plops down on the couch, and I follow her wordlessly as she picks up the monitor from the coffee table to turn it on.
After checking the screen, and adjusting the volume, she places it on the table and leans back.
Straight into my waiting arms. “Hey.”
She curls up sideways and snuggles into my chest. “I can’t believe I dozed off. Tanner didn’t want to go to sleep and kept crying. He’s been extra clingy all day and chewing on his fingers, so I think he might be teething.”
“You think he’s okay?”
Her head moves up and down on my chest. “I think so. If he’s really bothered, we can give him something for the pain. At least, these are the last molars.”
I have absolutely no clue about teething, so I nod. I didn’t even know he doesn’t have them all yet. Thank goodness, these are the last ones.
One of her hands is on my chest, softly grasping my shirt. I wonder if she’s noticing my quickening heartbeat whenever she’s around. Because I definitely do. To be fair though, that’s not the only body part that reacts to her. Ever since she jumped me like a sex kitten last weekend, I’ve felt like a lovesick teenager around her, instant boner and all.
I shouldn’t even be thinking about any of that right now.
Leaning my chin on her head, I kiss her head. “What about you? Are you okay?”
A loud yawn escapes her mouth. “Yeah. Just haven’t been sleeping very well.”
That gets my attention. “Because of what happened with Tanner last week?”
She tenses in my arms before pushing herself up on my chest, her gorgeous eyes shimmering in the near darkness.
“Do you have nightmares too?” Her words are so quiet, I can barely hear them.
But I do and immediately nod.
I haven’t told anyone, but I’ve been having them almost every night since the accident.
Em squeezes her eyes shut for a moment before staring at me again. “I hate them. Every time I wake up, I think I might have a heart attack.” Her voice can’t mask the shakiness, and I know exactly how she feels.
“Same.”
She exhales loudly before lying back on my chest, holding on to me tighter than before. “I really hope they go away soon.”
Holding her close to me, she feels like the one constant in my life that centers me right now. The one thing that allows me to be me. The person I can admit my weaknesses to without feeling less of a person. Not only does she get me, she’s going through it too.
Lowering my head to hers, I press my mouth to her warm head once more. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget that day. The way he was . . . just . . . you know, lying there. With his eyes open, staring at the ceiling. And no life in him. Shit.”
I squeeze my eyes shut and brush my hand over my face, trying to force the paralyzing pictures out of my mind.
Em sits up again. “I don’t think we’ll ever forget that day, but I hope it’ll get easier to deal with it. We just have to make as many good memories as it takes to replace that bad one.”
Brushing some hair from her face, I hold on to her cheek, caressing the soft skin with my thumb. “I like that idea.”
“Me too.”
Her words barely register as we stare at each other, the quiet confessions lightening the weight on my chest. Em unwillingly helps—providing the perfect distraction—as she pulls her bottom lip into her mouth before popping that luscious lip back out, something I’d very much like to do myself.
“Do you have anything going on tonight?” My brain’s on autopilot, and I barely keep track of the conversation.
“I don’t.” Em watches me, her piercing gaze all-knowing. “Why? Do you?”
“I do now.”
Her eyes widen, but I don’t give her a chance to react. I close the distance between us and capture her mouth with mine, something I’ve wanted to do ever since I set eyes on her tonight.
Even when I don’t see her, I think about her. About kissing her. And so much more. I catch myself daydreaming about her on a regular basis, the need to touch her, to feel her, consuming not just my body but also my mind.
Imagining what she looks like under me, what she looks like when I’m deep inside her has been one of my favorite pastimes this last week, whether I wanted it or not. My mind obviously has a thing for her and so does my body, so who am I to protest?
She leans against me, pressing her breasts to my
side, her soft hands circling my neck to gently scrape along my hairline.
“Shit, that feels good.” Her need to be close to me fuels me, urging my body to want more. To do more. To take more. “Stay the night with me.”
I don’t ask her because I don’t want her to say no. I need this. I need her.
Even though I clearly want more from her than what we’re doing right now, I’m also hopeful to get a better night’s sleep with her here. Even if that wasn’t the case, it would still be nice to have one another in case the night doesn’t go as well.
She pulls back and tilts her head. “Okay.”
“Yeah?” I can’t keep the smug smile at bay. The ease with which she just agreed, not a single flash of doubt on her face, feels damn good. It shows me she’s in this as deeply as I am.
Em’s hand flies up to her face when a yawn overtakes it, and I chuckle.
“Come on, ladybug, let’s get you to bed. Looks like you need some good sleep too.”
After texting her roommate, she grabs her things from “her” room—she brought over a bunch of things after the incident with Tanner, just in case—and gets ready while I do the same.
I sit on the edge of the bed in a pair of pajama pants when she comes out of the bathroom, wearing a polka-dot tank top and sleep shorts.
She stops when she sees me, her eyes taking me in. And I let her. Her gaze feels good on me, and if the harsh swallow and the wide eyes are any indication, she likes what she sees.
Suppressing a chuckle, I crook my finger at her to get her attention. “Come here, Em.”
I need another taste of her.
Now.
Tomorrow.
For as long as I can.
Twenty-Three
Emilia
If it wasn’t for my heart beating wildly in my chest, I might have thought I’d died. Jace is casually leaning against the bottom of his king-sized bed, his feet crossed at the ankles. And he’s waiting for me.
In only his pajama bottoms.
Nothing else.
So simple, yet so incredibly hot.
Because holy moly, that body.
Maybe I’ve seen his body before when I watched a few videos of his races online. Maybe . . . Okay, I totally have. There was no way I couldn’t look him up. Watching that tall, lean body do its magic is something else. Especially when he’s only clad in a tight swimsuit.
Those videos are also the reason I know exactly what I want to see up close right now.
“Turn around for me, Jace.” No clue where the confidence in my voice comes from, but Jace brings that out in me, especially in these moments.
It’s a new feeling for me—contrary to my more passive role in previous relationships—but I love it. It makes me feel strong and powerful, and oddly enough, desired. Because he clearly enjoys it.
“Yes, ma’am.” The smirk on his face is sexy as hell, spurring me on even more, casting aside the tiredness that was clinging to the edges of my whole body.
He pushes off the bed but doesn’t come closer. Taking his sweet time, he spins around in a slow circle, and I’m absolutely mesmerized. His body is a work of art, his skin tightly stretched over hard muscles that turn him into the beast he is in the water. Honed to perfection.
Once he’s done with his spin, he looks at me with raised brows. The ball is back in my court, and I plan to play. And I’m definitely in it to win it.
My body buzzes with anticipation, wanting to touch him, wanting to take a closer look.
When I reach him, I lift my hand to trail my fingers up his left arm, stopping to trace the ink on his biceps.
What is it about arrow tattoos that makes them so damn sexy?
As if he knows where my thoughts are going, he flexes his muscles, and I can’t help myself and give it a squeeze. I gaze up at him before continuing and halt at the expression in his eyes.
I’ve never understood what a smoldering look was because I’ve never had one directed at me. But goodness, this is it. His sole focus is on me, his eyes tracking my every movement. It’s intense, and I’ve never seen anything sexier in my life.
My chest moves rapidly in response, my breasts feeling heavy and achy against the cotton of my tank.
Blinking out of the trance he’s put me under, I smile at him before taking a step around him, my fingers moving up his arm and over his shoulder until I stare right between his shoulder blades.
The wave tattoo that adorns his skin is absolutely gorgeous, looking so real, the break of the water and the falling water drops at the peak of it so authentic, I almost expect to feel wetness on my fingers when I make contact.
Unable to help myself, I lean forward and press a gentle kiss to his skin, eliciting a shiver from Jace. Apart from that, he stays frozen in spot, gifting me this moment of unexpected intimacy.
“I got that on the morning of my eighteenth birthday. Got out of bed and went straight to the tattoo shop. My dad and I used to go to the ocean whenever we could. It calmed us, helped us bond.” The whispered words hang between us, his rib cage expanding and contracting under my touch.
“He was my biggest cheerleader, coming to every swim meet with me, getting up early to drive me to practice. Ever the optimist, he called every competition a new chance, and we started calling it fresh meet as a joke. Whatever I needed, he was there for me.”
Closing my eyes, I slide my hands around his midsection and place my head on his warm skin. “I’m so sorry, Jace. It must have been hard to lose him. I can’t even imagine.”
“I miss him, you know? I still miss him.” His voice is shaky, and my hands move with his deep breaths. The pain in his voice . . . “My mom’s been pretty awesome, stepping up and turning into my number-one fan on steroids. Even though she’s gone a bit overboard at times, I’ve always appreciated it.”
“I’m sure she knows.” I don’t dare move, unsure if the only reason he’s comfortable sharing this with me is because he can’t see me. It’s almost like confessing something in the dark. It’s easier when you don’t have to see the other person’s reaction.
Some people might be able to control their facial features to hide their reaction, but it’s pretty much impossible to hide it in your gaze. But there’s safety in the darkness.
After a long moment of silence, I lift my head, pressing another kiss to the wave as he covers one of my hands with his and gently squeezes. Taking a step to the side, I pepper a trail of kisses to his right shoulder and around his arm to his chest, staring at his last tattoo.
Sink or swim in typewriter font right under his rib cage.
The words resonate with me on a deeper level, and I touch it with shaky fingers.
My family immediately comes to mind and the feeling of drowning, of being unable to breathe. The constant struggle of growing up in a household filled with unreachable expectations and conditional love.
And then it hits me. I’ve been swimming against a current I have no power of ever conquering when it comes to gaining their approval. My latest run-in with my mom and her friend pretty much sealed that deal.
The odds have never been in my favor, and it’s a bitter pill to swallow. But I finally understand that it’s a fight I’ll never win.
I blow out a breath and rub over the words with my thumb. “It’s so simple but so beautiful. Did it hurt?”
“Like a bitch.”
My gaze snaps up at his matter-of-fact reply.
The corners of his lips twitch as he lifts his hand to rub at the spot between my eyebrows. “What’s that frown for?”
“I was thinking of getting one. Maybe.” I shrug. “I don’t know. Probably not.”
His lips widen into a full-on grin. “Oh yeah? What kind?”
I gasp when he grabs me by the hips and pulls me closer to him, his fingers digging into my flesh at the top of my waistband. It’s a fantastic feeling.
I shake my head. “It’s silly.”
“Tell me.” The command is unmistakable in his voice, yet it also soo
thes me. Paired with the insistent look in his eyes, I’m compelled to tell him whatever he wants to know.
“Dream big.” My whispered confession hangs in the air between us as I wait for his reaction. Weirdly enough, I’m not worried. I know he won’t make fun of me. He’s the one who told me to go after my dreams, and I’ll be forever grateful for that.
Besides Nicole, no one’s ever been on my side like this before. It’s like a rare gift that I want to treasure, wrapping it in bubble wrap to keep it safe from getting fractured.
I tilt my head back when he grabs my face in both of his large hands and stares into my eyes. And his reach goes much further than that. All the way into my heart, and into my soul.
“I don’t think that’s silly at all. It’s perfect for you.” Leaning in, he brushes his lips to mine briefly, the sparks zipping all the way down to the bottom of my soles.
“I’m not very good with pain.” No need to hide that fact.
He shrugs. “If you’re not set on a place, there are lots of other spots you could get it that hurt less.”
“That’s true.” I nod, excited at the possibility of going through with this at some point. An idea sparks in my mind, instantly turning my insides into molten lava. “Maybe . . . maybe you can show me some good spots?”
Jace licks his lower lip. “Yeah?”
I nod. “I mean only if you want. I think it would be incredibly helpful to get help from someone more experienced.” I can’t believe I’m actually able to keep eye contact with him. He brings out this boldness in me that I didn’t even know existed.
I’ve been with guys before, but no one’s ever affected me the way Jace does. He makes me want it all. The love, the cuddles, the sex, the talking. All of it. The whole package.
“I’m always willing to help someone in need.” He winks at me, and I giggle, because it looks hot when he does it.
My next breath is trapped in my throat when he kisses me. This one isn’t timid either. It’s burning my insides, like someone set my blood on fire. Jace does that to me. Before I can form another thought, his lips leave mine, trailing to my cheek and down my neck.
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