by Tia Siren
I knew that Kate was never going to take me back. I had to find a way to be okay with that. The only way to make peace with it was to remember that she had made my life better. It was because of her that I was doing what I was doing. I was moving on, like I had always meant to. I would have preferred her at my side, but we can't always get what we want. Instead, I had to take relish in the fact that without her, I wouldn't be where I was, and maybe that was okay.
The second glass was for Clint. As it was my last day, I had invited him over for a few last drinks, to toast goodbye to my apartment and my old life. A new chapter was beginning, and I couldn't think of a better person to close the last one off with.
"The end of an era," Clint said, holding the glass up. "So many good times. A fair few bad ones, and a lot of ones in between. All in all, I'd say that you've done okay."
"You’re always good for a toast," I said, smiling as I clinked my glass with his, taking a long and deep sip of my whiskey.
"You just have to promise that you will invite me out the moment that you're set up.”
"Don't worry," I chuckled. "As soon as I can."
"Because the women there are one of a kind. I'd hate for you to have them all to yourself. You probably wouldn't even know what to do with them."
"Yeah, well to be honest, the women are the last thing on my mind," I said with a sigh. Then I polished off my drink.
"Oh right," Clint said. He then reached out and patted me on the shoulder in an act of condolence. "How are you feeling? Have you spoken to her yet? Said goodbye maybe?"
I hadn't even tried to contact Kate since that night. I knew her well enough to know that there would be no point. Anything I had to say, she wouldn't want to hear. She knew what had happened and knew that it wasn't my fault. Her reasons for wanting to end it were her own, and I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to change them.
And really, it was all just too hard. I was getting sick and tired of having my hopes raised, only for them to be stomped upon a second later. The last few months had been like a roller coaster, and finally, the ride was over. I wasn't in any mood to get back on either.
Rather than try and get back with her, I preferred to look back at what we had and take from it the good that it had brought. She had changed me, for the better, too. She had taught me how to love again and let me know that it was possible to feel that way for someone. Plus, it was because of her that I was moving on to a new life. At the very least, I had to be grateful for that.
My only concern was that I had hurt her. As always, it wasn't my own pain that worried me, but hers. I just hoped that she was doing okay and that maybe in time, she would come to forgive me.
"Nope, I haven't spoken to her," I finally said. "I think that's a wound best left alone."
"Not even a goodbye?" Clint asked, looking surprised. "I thought that at the very least you might have called her up and said goodbye."
"Why?" I asked, looking at my best friend in a most serious way. "What would be the point? She knows I’m leaving, and she probably doesn't care. We've said all that needs to be said. It's in the hands of fate now."
"Maybe," he responded, sounding unconvinced. "But after all that you two have been through, and it is a lot, I would have thought that you would have wanted to sign off properly. It's like a TV show ending without a grand finale. It's not right."
I laughed off his comment, not wanting him to know how much it actually hit home. Although I would never tell him, he was right. In more ways than one. Although I was fine with the two of us being over, and in a way, I thought that it was for the best, I still felt like there were some things that were left unsaid between us. Some things that needed to be said, for closure.
She had left in such a hurry the other night, in such a rage, that I didn't even get to say sorry. I told her I loved her, sure, and I told her that it wasn't my fault and what had actually happened. But I had never actually said sorry. Although it may not have seemed like that big a deal, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was. Because I didn't just want to say sorry for the Sandra thing, but for everything. There were so many things that I needed to apologize for, I hated the fact that I would never get a chance to.
But that was the hard truth. It was over. There was no way for me to apologize. All I could do was move on and hope that she was okay.
I shared one more glass with Clint, allowing him to do most of the talking. In the one glass I had, he managed to have three, and the more he drank, the more outrageous his comments became. There was a lot reminiscing on the past, a lot of joking, and a lot of voiced regret. But most of all, there was a sense of excitement at the new beginning that I was undertaking. Even if Clint was upset that I was going, I knew that he couldn't begrudge me for leaving.
As the day approached night, I called an end to the celebration. I led Clint downstairs and put him in a taxi. We hugged, he told me he would come visit me soon, and then he fell into the back of the cab, directing it back to his house. From there, I went and collected my own things, packing the back of my car with the few suitcases I had, pulling the car from the parking garage and taking off toward the airport.
It was time to embrace the new and forget about the old.
But as I drove, making my way slowly toward the airport, I couldn't stop thinking about Kate and the idea of saying sorry. It was such a simple concept, but one that hadn't really come to me until that day. I had been so consumed with trying to get her to forgive me, and then trying to get over her myself, that I hadn't even thought of the most simple of all acts. An apology.
I could have texted her, or called her from the airport. I could have done any number of things to let her know that I was sorry, but there was really only one thing that I thought was appropriate. I had to see her one last time. I had to speak to her, face to face, and apologize for everything. Only then could I start my new life.
--
I knocked on her front door twenty minutes later, but I still had no idea what I was going to say. Somehow, the idea of simply saying sorry didn't seem like enough. It felt weak and trivial. I felt like I needed to make some sort of grand gesture, but I had no idea what. I guess I just hoped the words would come to me when I saw her face. In fact, I was sure that they would.
But I never got that far. Answering the door, rather than Kate, was Liana of all people. I had actually always liked Liana. She was outgoing, crazy, and unique in a way that I found endearing. I liked the fact that she and Kate were such good friends. But as she opened the door, realizing that it was me on the other side, I got the sense that she did not like me. Not one little bit.
"Liana, hey," I offered, pairing it with a warm smile.
"Hey," she said coolly. She only half opened the door, leaning up against it and blocking the inside of the apartment off from view.
"Is Kate home?" I asked, trying my best to sound warm and sincere, although I had no idea what that might sound like.
"Maybe," she said curtly. The way she looked at me, I could tell that she wasn't going to give me an inch.
"Well can you get her? Please. I have something I need to say."
"I don't think so, Liam. Starting today, here and now, there will be no more of this, and no more of that," she said, indicating me by waving her hand up my body. "I'm Kate's best friend, and I'm not about to let you ride in for the third time and ruin her life. No sir. No can do. Not today, buddy. Understand?"
"Listen," I began as cordially as I could. I knew that she was the gate keeper, and I'd have to do my best to get past her. If that was even possible. "I totally get that. And everything that you said is completely fair, and I couldn't understand more. It's just that I have one last thing to say."
"What? You want to spit in her face before you leave. You want to tell her that you and that redhead boned all day as a goodbye present? Pretty sick if you ask me."
“What?” I choked out. “No. Nothing like that. Jesus."
"Well, how am I supposed to know?
The things you have done? I don't know what you are capable of. Or let me guess? You're here to tell Kate that you love her, and you want to be given one more chance? That you can't live without her, and that you will do anything to get her back? Am I warm?"
"No, not even close," I said seriously.
"Oh," she said, surprised.
"Listen. I've been thinking. I'm about to leave for good, and I'm not here to try and make Kate come with me. I know that time has come and gone. I've just come here to say sorry."
"Sorry?" Liana asked, looking confused by the notion, as if it were the very last thing she could have imagined.
"Yeah. Sorry. I've done a lot of terrible things to that woman in there, more than I care to admit. And every time I do, I try and get her to forgive me, or I lament the fact that I am alone. But one thing I have never done is just apologize. Not really, anyway. Not without some other hidden agenda. So, before I leave today, I want to say sorry. She doesn't have to forgive me. She doesn't have to say sorry back. I just want her to hear the words."
"I was not expecting that," Liana said, looking at me with a combination of surprise and perhaps admiration.
"Now, I'm going to assume that you aren't going to let me in. You're a good friend, and you have every right to keep me out. So please, please, pass that message on. Kate is the best woman I know. She deserves to hear it, okay?"
"Yeah, I can do that," she said, still watching me with that same look.
"Thanks." I turned to go, before stopping and turning back. "And Liana, good luck with the acting. You deserve it."
Then I left.
From there I jumped back in my car downstairs and took off for the airport. It wasn't a perfect apology, and it wasn't even to the right person, but I felt as if it had gotten the message across. All I wanted was for Kate to knows how sorry I was. If Liana passed that on, then I could start my life anew.
Sure, my life was going to be one without Kate in it. And sure, that hurt more than anything else. I wasn't over her yet, and there was a chance that I never would be. But I would survive, and I would live. I just hoped that she was living, too. I hoped that her life from here on out was a good one. She deserved it far more than I ever did.
CHAPTER 36
KATE
As soon as Liana closed the door, she turned and gave me a look. Her eyes were sad, and her face was forgiving. It was pretty clear that she had eaten up every word that Liam had said, and also thought that I should, too.
I was standing just behind the door the whole time. When I heard the knock at the front door, it was Liana who insisted that she answer it. She and I both knew that Liam wasn't set to leave for a few hours, and she assumed that it might be him, coming around to try one more time at getting me back. I thought that she was being ridiculous. I knew Liam well enough to know that he wouldn't do that. So naturally, I was nothing but surprised to find out that she was right. Well, sort of.
I leaned against the wall, listening to every word that he said. And as I listened, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. His words were so heartfelt and honest. He hadn’t come to try and get me back, as Liana had assumed. Instead, he had come to apologize. That was truly shocking.
"Wow," Liana said as she turned on me. "I did not see that coming. Did you?"
"No," I admitted. "I really didn't."
"Huh," Liana said, shaking her head to herself as she headed for the kitchen.
"What?" I asked, following her. There was clearly something on her mind.
"Oh, nothing," she said as she began pawing through my empty cupboards.
"Liana, for an actress you're a terrible liar. Tell me."
"Well, it's just that." She opened up the fridge, sighing as she realized that it too, was empty. "It's just that he sounded sincere. Like, really sincere. And I'm an actress. I can tell when someone is faking."
"I don't doubt that he was being sincere," I admitted, propping myself up on a kitchen bench. "But so what if he was?"
"So what? Did you not hear what he said?" She suddenly exclaimed. It actually caught me a little off guard. Liana had always been volatile, but usually in a more obvious way. I wouldn't have expected this to get her so worked up.
"Yeah, I was there. I heard him," I said, smirking at her reaction. "I just don't think it's as big a deal as you're making it out to be."
"Please girl," she said. "He wants you back. It's so obvious. He came over here to get you back, simple as that."
"I don't think he did. It sounded like he meant exactly what he said. He came over here to apologize. It was nice of him and a little unexpected. But that's all it was."
"Do you really believe that?"
"I do," I said with less conviction than I felt.
In truth, he had caught me a little off guard. When Liana announced that Liam was at the door, I half expected him to launch into some grand gesture in an attempt to get me back. But he didn't. He didn't even try and get me back. It seemed like he really just wanted to say sorry.
"Okay, fine," Liana said, biting her lip and nodding along in mock agreement. "And even if you do believe that, as you claim you do. Are you okay with that conclusion? Are you fine with how it went down?"
"What do you mean?" I asked, a little confused.
If I was surprised by Liam's apology, I was downright shocked by Liana's reaction to it. She had never been the romantic type, and never one to push Liam or any man onto me. But now, she was acting like his number one fan.
"Oh, come on. It's so obvious that he wants you back. And more than that, it's pretty obvious that you still want him as well. Don't lie to me now. I know when you do."
I was unsure of how to answer. Of course, I still wanted Liam. Nothing had changed. I still loved him just as much as I had two days ago. The only reason that I wasn't with him was because I didn't think I could trust him. I was sick of being hurt and thought that I was doing this for my own good. But now, thanks to Liana, I wasn't so sure.
"That's what I thought," Liana said smugly, as she crossed her arms and nodded her head at me.
"Fine!" I blurted. "Of course, I still love him. It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. But so what if I do? You know why I broke up with him. You know it's for the best. There's no getting around that."
"I thought that, too," she admitted. "But now? Now, I'm not so sure. Hear me out," she added, before I was able to interrupt. "I know he hurt you. And I know that sucks. But that's what love is. Love is getting hurt and coming back from it. Love is finding that person that you're willing to be hurt for. No romance is perfect. That's impossible. What is possible, and something that you actually had, was finding that person you're willing to be hurt for. It's rare, but when it happens, you probably shouldn't let it go."
A silence fell between the two of us for a moment as her words sunk in. She still had her arms crossed as she watched me, nodding her head as if trying to reinforce what she had just said. I, however, was seeing my best friend in a whole new light.
"Liana, I had no idea you were such a romantic."
"Oh, I'm not. I watched the Bachelor finale last night, and some of it must have rubbed off on me. Now. What are you going to do?"
She was right. She had never been more right. I still loved Liam, and he still loved me. That alone should have been reason enough to stay with him. Sure, I was scared, but that was kind of the point. Love was scary, but it was also fun and exciting and everything good. I ended it with him because I was worried that he would hurt me, without even thinking of how much I was hurting myself. But I was done with being scared. I wanted to be with Liam, no matter what.
"I want him back," I admitted. "I want Liam back."
"There you go," Liana beamed. "Go get him."
"But he's gone." I suddenly realized that I was too late. He was leaving the country in less than an hour, with no plans to ever come back. I may never get to see him again.
"He didn't leave the planet girl. He's at the airport. I highly suggest that you jump in your l
ittle car downstairs, hit the accelerator, and high tail it after him. If you hurry, you should make it. You might even get a chance to do a romantic, airport run to the gates and kiss in front of a cheering crowd, type thing. How great would that be?"
"You're right," I said, "I'm going. I'm going after him." Without another word, I turned and sprinted for the front door. I was halfway out when I realized that I had left my keys in my bedroom and had to return to grab them. Liana was still in the kitchen, chuckling to herself when I ran past the second time. "Hey Liana," I said, pausing at the front door. "Thanks."
"Anytime, girl. Anytime. Now go!"
And I did.
--
I drove like my life depended on it. Liam's flight was leaving from JFK airport at nine. That gave me less than an hour to get there. Not only that, but I had to get there before he checked in so that I could actually get to him. Once he was through security, I knew that I would have no chance. Either that or I would have to buy a ticket for myself. I wasn't ruling it out.
An hour wasn't going to be enough time. As I jumped in my car and pulled onto the main road, I was certain that I wasn't going to make it. On any given day, it would take me at least an hour and a half to get to JFK. At least. The fact that it was a Sunday night, when a lot of people were flying out of the city to go home, meant that the freeway was going to be anarchy. But I had to try.
The Van Wyck Expressway was the main road going into JFK, and I got onto it in record time. I had never driven like that before. I dodged cars, I ran lights, and I hit corners like a professional race car driver. Every time I came up to a turn or a stop light, I thought that my time was done. But somehow, I managed to keep my car on the road and my hand planted firmly on the wheel. I was going to make it.
The Van Wyck was one long run, and as it was a Sunday, it was packed. The traffic wasn't stopped, but it was puttering along at an intolerably slow pace. I beeped my horn as I came up behind cars, swerving in and out of them like a woman on a mission. They honked back and flipped me off, and most likely said some very obscene things back to me, but I didn't care. I pushed on, driving as recklessly as a New York City cab driver.