Mealtimes and Milestones

by Barter, Constance

I DON’T WANT TO DRINK – I DESERVE AND WANT TO DIE.

  I arrived at the orthodontist still crying, and this brought on a whole new set of worries. I found it hard to trust the lady because I didn’t know her. I think the roots of the trust issues that I have stem from my relationship with my mum, because I often still blame where I am now on her. I begged her not to tell anyone about my not eating and drinking, but she did, so now I don’t trust anyone. People ALWAYS let you down. As well as that, the bill was a lot of money, which could have been spent on something much more important than me, and I feel terribly guilty.

  When I returned to the unit, I was told that if I continued not to drink, then they would pass a tube tomorrow and I would have to feed myself.

  Friday 19 October

  My key worker fetched me from lessons at 10.30 a.m. and told me that I was going to be tubed at 10.45. Of course I didn’t want it, but I missed the tube, I wanted it back as my friend.

  I started shaking when they were inserting it and I totally tensed up. I kept groaning through my mouth as I could feel the cold plastic scraping down my throat. This time, the process seemed much more brutal, and my nose started bleeding. I felt like the brutality must be a punishment. I didn’t like feeding myself, but as it was my first time the nurse did most of it for me.

  In the afternoon a package came for me. I opened it eagerly and it was a signed poster from the teenage pro-surfer Bethany Hamilton in Hawaii saying: ‘Constance, never give up.’ Someone gave me her book about her journey after she got her arm bitten off in a shark attack, and I found her story truly inspirational because of her dedication and faith. However, I am truly confused about how she knew I was here, and how the parcel got to me. Later in the day I found out that my mum had got in contact with her. It was such a big boost for me. It is hope.

  TEXT MESSAGE:

  Awww Connie that is so cute! You are so strong and I am so so so proud of you. Please do not stop believing that you can do it – because you can. We all have xxx

  Saturday 20 October

  My visit from Mum and Dad started well until we got on to talking about the school athletics trip to Lanzarote which I signed up for a year ago. They thought that it would put too much pressure on me to expect me to go in six months’ time, but I feel like it is going to be a real motivation for me. This then moved on to an argument about trust, and how I didn’t feel that my parents trusted me because they thought if I exercised and lost weight then that would be because of anorexia. They can’t understand that I didn’t do well at running because I sat back and relaxed. I trained, and I love running and it is a real passion for me. It is like a fog has covered over the logical side of my thinking, and what was worst was that Dad had got tickets to the rugby World Cup today and he gave them up to see me. This made it all worse because I also feel guilty. He would have had a much better time at the rugby, and I should have come second. I eventually walked out of the room – I had had enough, I hate disagreeing, and this was really the first time that I had ever done it with my parents.

  I talked to my key worker outside. She was pleased that I had shown my emotions and stuck to my opinion, especially because it was different from my parents’. It is apparently a real step, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I believe that if I show any negative emotion then people will hate me, because I am not being ‘The Perfect Girl’. As I am writing, I can see that it doesn’t make sense and sounds so illogical and of course it isn’t true, but it sounds so real in my head.

  My key worker went back in with me and we talked about it. Mum got quite upset because she couldn’t believe how shallow and ‘black and white’ my thinking is. This just made me more upset because it is just another thing wrong with me. I HATE MYSELF, I have so many BAD qualities. I always ask myself: ‘Why do people support me?’ I’ve written a list of why people shouldn’t like me and why I don’t like myself. Here is a list of what is wrong:

  1.

  The weight that I’ve put on.

  2.

  I’m really ugly.

  3.

  I’m really stupid and I get loads of things wrong at school.

  4.

  I have a really unattractive shaped body.

  5.

  I can’t trust people so they shouldn’t like me.

  6.

  My personality is really bland and uninteresting.

  7.

  I don’t look nice in any clothes.

  8.

  I have no confidence and never laugh.

  9.

  My thinking is obviously very shallow.

  With all these true reasons, why on earth do people like me? They must be pretending.

  Sunday 21 October

  I had an amazing time when one of my friends from school visited me today. It was great to catch up and feel included back at school. I definitely think that it is easier to stay up to date when you are happier in yourself. It was a really positive visit.

  Monday 22 October

  I had case management and we talked about the tube – it will come out next Monday. We also talked about the Lanzarote trip. Yes, I can see why people are concerned about letting me go. I would have to be in control of my eating and exercising, and they wouldn’t know if I started making myself sick again. But it still frustrates me – will I ever be trusted . . .?

  Tuesday 23 October

  I was thinking a lot about the tube today. I love all the attention that I get from it, I want to prove that I am an ANOREXIC and I am SO PROUD of that, but on the other hand I just want to escape into a small hole and never to return, after all, it can’t be any darker than the place that I am now, and it would be far easier.

  Wednesday 24 October

  We had an Egyptian-style buffet today. I was pleased with how it went, because it was definitely easier than the first one, at the start of the summer, when I just broke down in tears. The thought of having to choose and eat my own food frightened me so much. I could see an improvement this time, even though improvement is such a negative word to me.

  In my therapy we talked about the changes that I was experiencing in myself. I could feel very subtle changes, a bit like I was slowly being turned 180°. Half-term has provided me with quite a few reality checks. Many of my friends have been away and meeting up – it has shown me how much I am missing out on. Seeing them helps with this, so I don’t feel so isolated, but it is also heartbreaking to know what they are going home to at the end of the day – a free life, without an inner god dictating to them and destroying them.

  I am feeling more confident that this time, when the tube comes out on Monday it won’t go back in because of this new motivation that I have discovered, and I pray that it will continue.

  I was thinking a lot about prayer today. I pray every night to God, although I never pray to Him to make me better. Instead, I ask that He helps me to make the right decisions on the road to recovery.

  I believe that He chose this path for me, so I should continue it and try and work with it, with Him holding my hand all the way, a bit like that bit of my favourite poem, ‘Footprints in the Sand’:

  The Lord replied,

  ‘The times when you have seen

  only one set of footprints in the sand,

  is when I carried you.’

  Perhaps it was chosen for me because He knows that I am going to be a stronger person when I come out of this tunnel, perhaps, I don’t know, but no one can stop me from believing this. This is one thing that anorexia cannot take from me.

  Thursday 25 October

  I continued to feel really motivated today as someone was discharged. Before, when people have been discharged, I’ve often felt quite low because I just think that it will never be me, but today I actually felt like that could be me one day, and that was a complete revelation, a very new feeling – belief.

  Friday 26 October

  I am trying SO hard at the moment, I have eaten and drunk all my meal plan for the last few days, and today I really noticed how n
ot eating affects other young people, as this time I was on the receiving end. This really helped me because I became slightly cross with the young people who weren’t eating, so therefore they are ‘bad’ and I don’t want to be bad, so I must eat, so strangely my ‘black and white’ thought processes seem to have worked to my advantage today.

  Saturday 27 October

  I had a supervised meal today with Mum and Dad, and I think that it went really well. What helped was that it was with the same member of staff that I was with yesterday, so we were able to talk about it yesterday and the continuity felt really helpful. As this was my third supervised meal the staff member took more of a back seat, which also helped because it was seen as an improvement.

  In the evening one of the young people gave me a ring that she had bought for me to wish me good luck for when my tube comes out on Monday. It was so cute, and it felt really special that a young person really cared about me, and was thinking about me – it gave me hope.

  Sunday 28 October

  Lunch was really difficult today because one of the young people was refusing to eat. For me and another young person this completely blew it and we both couldn’t deal with it. A special meeting was held afterwards, so we could all try and get our feelings out which felt really good because I have so many mixed feelings. I have a huge day tomorrow, my tube is coming out, and I have so many voices in my head all saying not to eat and the temptation to become reliant on a tube again just gets a thousand times worse. Although today felt so hard, this meal did feel like such a big turning point because I was able to see myself that I can overcome really difficult times, and actually be proud of myself. I realized where not eating gets you – nowhere – and I don’t want to be in that place.

  Monday 29 October

  Following on from yesterday, I was able to eat tea, even though I was so petrified about my tube coming out. It came out after tea and my key worker came to hold my hand while it was taken out. It felt comforting that someone I have a really close connection with was there, because it was a really hard moment as well as a very big one. I had been preparing for this mentally for a while, and now I feel like I will never have an NG tube again. Never. Today I have faced my future.

  Tuesday 30 October

  Nothing really happened today. I’m just trying to stay focused on what I want, and what I need to do. I am just blocking out everyone else’s struggles and realizing that I want my life back, and believing that I have a great future ahead of me which I can’t achieve with anorexia, because anorexia is no future for anyone.

  TEXT MESSAGE:

  I went to St David’s today and prayed for God to give you strength and courage. It’s not anorexia that makes you special. It makes you deaf and blind to the love and friendship that was always there for you, and always will be. xxx

  Wednesday 31 October

  We had our Halloween party tonight. It was just great that all the young people could come together as a community and have fun and forget all of our individual struggles.

  Thursday 1 November

  In my core team meeting I asked for an unsupervised meal and snacks out this weekend and I was given them, which I was really pleased about, because I am reaping the benefits of eating, and not looking back.

  I have also now reached a healthy weight so they proposed two possible options:

  1.

  Reduce my meal plan.

  2.

  Start introducing exercise to my plan.

  I was pleased about the thought of doing exercise because it is something that I really enjoy doing, and I want to learn to do it in a healthy way again, and especially while I have support around me.

  However, introducing exercise can’t happen for a little while, because it has to be arranged, so for the time being my meal plan is going to be reduced.

  Friday 2 November

  I felt really guilty today because in Friday Group I started a conversation about how unhelpful comments were being made by some of the young people to other young people, and they were quite upsetting. They were things such as ‘Why is she still here . . . she is really fat,’ or ‘Move your fat arse.’ I feel that this is inappropriate language to use anywhere, let alone in an eating disorders unit, because on the very rare occasions when I do look in the mirror I do see someone who is fat, so it is absolutely soul-destroying when someone says it to you, even if they don’t realize the impact that it has on you. Also, it isn’t about the food and weight, these are just the physical symptoms; it is the inability to express yourself. This is where people get it so wrong.

  I don’t know whether it was the right thing to do, especially because I am still racked with guilt, but I guess that I can only learn from experience, and realize that just because I vent some of my feelings it doesn’t mean that I am a horrible, horrible person.

  Saturday 3 November

  My parents’ visit started off quite rocky because I came out to meet them and my mum said,

  ‘You seem a bit quiet?’

  I found this annoying and unhelpful because of the way that she assumed that I wasn’t OK, without giving me the chance to say that maybe I wasn’t feeling that great today, and I was hurt by this. I was able to say that, though, and as a family we were able to get on with the visit. I can see that this might seem like an insignificant incident to some people, but it means a lot to me, and I think that as a family we can really learn from these experiences which can help us in the future, perhaps with bigger issues.

  Our unsupervised meal went really well. I was able to use the support of my parents, which was really great and such big progress from two or three months ago when I didn’t even want my parents to see me eat. I feel proud of this milestone that I have passed today and it helps me to see what I can achieve with determination and persistence.

  Sunday 4 November

  It was the monthly trip out this Sunday, and what with church as well, I was really worried. I thought that it was going to be quite a challenging day.

  In church, it was the first time that people had seen me without a tube, and some people did take a double look, which brought back my feelings of exposure.

  The outing was really hard because, for one, I don’t like being in public places because I don’t like people looking at me and making assumptions, such as how fat I am and weight-related presumptions. Also, the only two young people who went were myself and one other who is thinner than me, and I don’t like being the fattest person. I can’t be the fattest person.

  It is really difficult to unstitch all my feelings around body image. My thought processes are like a woven blanket, and I need to unpick every stitch to reveal the real me. I know that I have said before how my world is very black and white. You are thin or fat, a healthy-looking person doesn’t exist in my world, and part of why I don’t like going out in public is because my eye always turns to thin people, and that is who I compare myself with.

  Before we set off on the outing I was able to talk about these anxieties with a member of staff, and together we came up with a plan to help me. While I was out, I was to try to incorporate a third person into my scale – a healthy-looking person – and to recognize these people. This definitely opened my mind and really challenged how I thought, which was really good. I was able to recognize two healthy-looking people while I was out, and she praised me for that. It may only have been two people, but this was a really big thing for me.

  Monday 5 November

  I had a meeting with my key teacher today about my GCSEs. Although I was still quite edgy about it, she was pleased that I was able to think about the option of giving up a GCSE. In the past, whenever the subject was mentioned, I would just shut down and cry, and totally dismiss the idea, because academic performance is how I identify myself. I have realized that a compromise has to be made between taking five and ten subjects. I have learnt to trust my key teacher, and realize that she won’t make the decision for me, she will just guide me into making the right decision which will ultim
ately be the best for my health.

  I also had a key session today and we talked about body image which I found quite hard, because it is quite a sensitive subject. I explained how I basically live in a world without mirrors, because I know that the image that I see reflected back is one showing the misery that I am living in, the self-hatred, my twisted and toxic thoughts, and it is an image that I don’t want to be reminded of. It is easier not to look in mirrors or see my reflection in glass because of what those images symbolize.

  I try and try and try to make myself look nice, but however hard I try, I can never please my inner voice which controls me, my efforts are always in vain, and I can’t imagine a time when I will ever be truly pleased with how I look, and I don’t dare to think about it, because surely this can only lead to disappointment . . .?

  I spoke to one of my friends tonight on the phone, which really cheered me up. I find it so reassuring to have a strong friendship with someone who I know doesn’t judge me for where I am. Having a phone call is really motivating because my friends believe that I can get better, even if I am not able to hold on to that dream yet.

  Tuesday 6 November

  I had another talk with my key worker about body image today. One of the incidents that had happened to do with body image was when Mum had asked if I would like new underwear, and I said no purely because I knew that I would have to see myself in just underwear and right now that is too hard.

  The same applies for swimming. There is a swimming trip every other week, but I am just too scared to go and face up to the real me. I don’t let myself see myself properly, and the thought of other people seeing me before I even know myself is too uncomfortable for me. However, I decided to think about the idea of going one week.

  Wednesday 7 November

  Today was awful. Before Morning Meeting we were all brought together and told that one of the young people had taken an overdose and was going to A&E. A torrent of thoughts flooded my mind. How could this happen? Was it my fault? Was it something that I had said? Was she trying to commit suicide? The most powerful thought of all was concern. This young person has become a really close friend and what if she dies?