Mealtimes and Milestones

by Barter, Constance

  Saturday 1 December

  I went to a party tonight with my parents. I was really anxious about going because I still had the thought about ‘How will they know that I am ill?’ When I got there, though, I enjoyed it and really valued the normality of the evening.

  Sunday 2 December

  I had lunch with a friend today. It was very hard, but I think that it helped because my friend got to see that I am not better and I still have major issues with food. I am able to see how far I have come, although I am still not ready to be proud of myself yet. I can see how I have picked myself up from being rock bottom, without a glimmer of hope, to where I am now, and that does feel good, and even anorexia can’t deny me that.

  Monday 3 December

  I made the connection today that I won’t have left hospital before Christmas, and I think for the first time I actually regretted my past. I am frustrated by why it took me so long to want to get better. Although I have made this realization, being ill is still attractive, but it is starting to drift away like a fledgling bird that had made its nest inside me and it is now beginning to leave its home.

  Tuesday 4 December

  I found out today that my first key worker is going to leave in January. It was really hard for me to hear. I had to keep telling myself that it is not my fault, she is just moving on, but I couldn’t help it; however hard I tried to convince myself, it felt like another thing that I had done wrong, and that I am just being abandoned and forgotten about. I have finally learnt to open up to someone, I have shared my deepest inner thoughts with her, and now she is leaving. I would have liked for her to stay until my discharge because then she could really value my recovery, and understand all the hurdles that I have faced and conquered.

  Wednesday 5 December

  It has been one of those days when everything just seems to catch up and start to snowball in my thoughts. My key worker is leaving, comments were made about me, and I couldn’t help doubting myself about my GCSE choice.

  I have made the wrong decision, and now I am going to have to live with that for two years. I like Latin, I like the challenge; did I only drop it to please other people? By making me drop GCSEs it feels like they are insulting my intelligence. Where is my motivation to go back to school, if I am going to be ashamed to be there? Nothing seems fair.

  When so many things are spinning around in your head, eating gets harder and your body image gets worse. Once again I find myself fat, ugly and worthless.

  Thursday 6 December

  I had family therapy today with just Mum. We talked about Dad, and how although 99 per cent of the time he is the most lovely and caring person, occasionally he does have a bit of a short fuse, and how I find that it affects me. To me, arguing is bad and shouldn’t be done. When Mum and Dad started disagreeing at the weekend, it automatically sent me into a downhill spiral of thought processes.

  ‘Oh my goodness, is this happening the whole time? Is this going to be the last one? Is one of them going to walk out? Where will I go for Christmas?’

  I don’t know whether I can’t distinguish between serious arguments and minor disagreements because I’ve been at boarding school so I have never really experienced them, or whether I am just incredibly sensitive. I think, though, that with more time at home I will learn to be able to tell one from the other, and realize that disagreements, even arguments, are quite normal within a healthy relationship.

  Friday 7 December

  One of my school friends came over, ate with me and then stayed the night. I really valued the evening because it felt so normal, and I was able to forget all of my difficulties and just be a normal teenager.

  Saturday 8 December

  Mum and I went to the local town today, which seemed like a really good idea. However, I truly underestimated how hard I still find it to be in public places. People can’t see the struggles going on underneath the surface. I became very self-conscious and didn’t know how to get away from it. I wanted to retreat into my illness and hide away within myself again.

  Sunday 9 December

  In handover today when I came back from my visit home, Dad said to my key worker that ‘Saturday’s tea was effortless’. I was really shocked by this and it really affected me. I love my dad so much, but if he thinks that a single meal is ever effortless then he is clearly mistaken. Eating is ALWAYS hard, it just depends how I manage it. It made me think, ‘Do I need to show you that I am not managing? What do you want me to do to show you that it is hard? . . . Stop drinking? . . . Go on the tube? . . .’

  However, as soon as he’d said it, he realized exactly what he had done. All the same, as a consequence I found tea hard. Who could I express myself to? I just had to battle this strong urge and realize that I KNOW that I am struggling, even if other people seem not to understand.

  Monday 10 December

  My case manager gave me two possible discharge dates today. This felt really helpful, something to motivate me. They were 14 or 28 February. I guess that I am leaning towards the 14th because I have said to myself all along that I don’t want to be in hospital on my birthday (which is in late February).

  Tuesday 11 December

  We had the hospital’s Christmas Day today, because of different people’s annual leave. It was really good to have fun and to laugh – especially at the Staff Christmas Play – a rendition of Aladdin! It really did mean a lot, as I do find it hard to laugh and enjoy my life.

  Wednesday 12 December

  I went to homework club tonight. I just got such a boost from working and achieving something. I really miss feeling good about myself. I know that gaining it from my work isn’t good or healthy, but right now I don’t know where else to get it from. I am in a barren desert and I am searching for any resources that I can find, and academic work seemed like an easy option.

  Thursday 13 December

  A decision has to be made by tomorrow about my discharge date. Part of me is so excited about this, but the other side is absolutely scared stiff about having to re-enter the world after being protected for so long, first in my illness, and then in the hospital. How am I going to manage? If the 14th is my discharge date, then that is only eight weeks away, and this seems even more daunting. I have now stepped through a door – the door to recovery. Deep down I know that this side is more rewarding, but anorexia still isn’t ready to let go of me. It’s like a magnet not letting me go more than a certain distance away, and drawing me back to it. How can I reduce the pull of this magnet? I just don’t know, and will I ever be able to do it enough in eight weeks?

  Friday 14 December

  Before I went home Mum and I met with my case manager which wasn’t a great success even though the 14th was finalized as my discharge date.

  Before we went in, Mum said out in the corridor, ‘We’re just going to talk about your discharge.’ This threw me into a complete panic because I don’t want people to know about it, because then there is going to be a huge expectation on me, and we know from the past that this really isn’t helpful for me.

  Saturday 15 December

  For the first time today I was able to drink some water while exercising. It was only 50 ml, which I know is absolutely nothing, but it was a start, and a real breakthrough. As well as that I also had an extra 100 ml today, which was also great because I find it hard to nourish myself. I could feel the anorexia getting stronger because I was violating it, but I just kept thinking that it was what I needed to do and a great step to getting better.

  Sunday 16 December

  During afternoon snacks I was talking to my friend on the phone in my room and so I had my snacks unsupervised. It was really cool because it was spontaneous. Of course, the thought of hiding the food somewhere did enter my mind, but I didn’t, and to be honest I was too preoccupied with talking, and I felt pleased that I was stronger than my anorexia.

  Monday 17 December

  Today felt really productive. I talked to my key teacher and, hopefully, I can have one day at school on
14 January.

  I also spoke to my case manager. I asked whether it would be necessary for me to have a new key worker as I am leaving only a month after she leaves. I also talked about my weight, because I am still gaining weight every time I am weighed even though I am meant to be on a maintaining diet. I am becoming even more self-conscious about whether you can see this extra weight. She said both points I’d raised would be discussed in a staff meeting.

  Tuesday 18 December

  Nothing happened today . . . very dull!!!

  Wednesday 19 December

  I caught myself in the mirror again this evening and I am truly ashamed at what I see, all I can think about is how THEY made me fat, and that is how I am always going to be, fat and ugly, and I’ll never be able to lose it because people will start to worry again. I have completely blocked out all the positives of how far I have come and of being healthy. I start to cry alone in my room . . .

  A Christmas letter from one of my friends

  Thursday 20 December

  Today started badly after weighing. I have continued to put on weight despite being on a maintaining diet. I just got back into bed and cried. It isn’t fair! Why am I STILL putting on weight? I asked to talk to my allocated worker for the day before breakfast because all the thoughts of not eating came back, because I didn’t know how else to control my weight or my feelings. But I did manage to eat breakfast and the rest of the day improved.

  Friday 21 December

  Before the first part of my leave, I was given my Christmas pack from my key workers which included some really beautiful and meaningful words. Reading these words made me feel confident that I would conquer this weekend.

  Sunday 23 December

  I saw a friend today which was really good and she was the first person I told that I was going to come back to school in January. It feels good because I can look back on all of my achievements so far, but I also get a great sense of vulnerability because it is such a big world out there, and as my world starts to get bigger, my network of support gets smaller. I also have so many bad and painful memories of being at school, such as excessive exercising, collapsing, making myself sick, and hiding food. I am scared about having to face these again, and going back to the place where I was so deceived by anorexia, and so deceitful to my friends.

  The wonderful letter my key workers wrote me at Christmas

  Monday 24 December

  Every year, we meet up with family friends and have dinner with them on Christmas Eve, but I had loads of anxieties this time and questions surrounding it. I didn’t know whether the sons of the family should know or not, because in the past I have been very open about my anorexia, and I don’t mind people knowing. This is why:

  1.

  I hate lying – I’d much rather people know the truth.

  2.

  If I don’t say anything, I will imagine that rumours will start, which would be much worse, and probably exaggerated from the truth.

  3.

  I am proud of my illness, and I want people to recognize me, if for nothing else, for being an anorexic.

  What I learnt today was that I don’t need to tell people about my illness and that the urge for people to know is slowly wearing off.

  Tuesday 25 December

  This Christmas is definitely more valued for two reasons:

  1.

  The fact that I am at home which is great.

  2.

  How today was as normal as possible, and my illness didn’t get in the way.

  From my parents I got a bracelet with the Lord’s Prayer written around it which felt really special, because I think that I have definitely used Him quite a lot during this journey, and I feel more connected with Him now that I have this bracelet, because it feels like He is with me always.

  Wednesday 26 December

  Coming back to hospital on Boxing Day was hard. There was something so special about being at home and being normal, and my time with my family has given me a huge insight into what my life can be like when I am better and home.

  I am at the stage where I am ready to move on from anorexia, and I really want to, but it is so hard to come back to a place full of NG tubes and underweight people. It is a constant reminder of my past, from which I now greatly want to move on.

  Thursday 27 December

  Weighing: I had lost quite a bit over my time at home. I hadn’t done anything extra on purpose to lose any, but I can’t help being really proud, especially as it wasn’t on purpose – that just makes the pride even greater.

  Friday 28 December

  When Mum and Dad picked me up from hospital today we went to Wales for a weekend treat, which was so exciting, and gave me a real boost of confidence, because it is a place that I love to be.

  However, it does bring up some hard memories because it was the first place where I tried to make myself sick. I failed the first time, but I still went consciously into the bathroom with that intention, and that emotion and strong urge is something that I don’t want to remember. It is that voice that tells you that you HAVE to do this. There is no way out, and you can’t ignore it. You know deep down somewhere inside your mixed-up mind that it is wrong, but you just can’t understand how or why.

  Saturday 29 December

  We did absolutely nothing today. It was really nice to relax!

  Sunday 30 December

  In order to go surfing, I had to eat an extra snack. I say ‘had to’ but I guess that I didn’t have to, which then gets on to the question, ‘Who am I actually doing this for?’ Am I doing this for myself, or for other people? I often think that I am doing it for other people just to get a quiet life almost. If I do eat then people don’t seem to interrogate me so much. However, in the back of my head I DO know that I am doing this for myself, because I have seen glimpses of my future at home, and it is these glimpses that I have to grab and hold on to.

  Surfing was great. I loved every second of it, and I forgot every single one of my difficulties, which is such an uplifting experience. Lunch afterwards was hard, though, everything seemed to catch up with me. I didn’t like the thought that people could see me in a tight wet-suit, I felt so self-conscious. My parents also seemed to be very tense, which didn’t help me, and their tension transmitted through to me, making me feel very uncomfortable. I also had a huge guilt from eating the extra snack.

  I can’t put the two and two together yet, which is that if you do exercise you burn calories so by eating extra you aren’t gaining any more weight, you are just making up for the lost calories. I can understand it in principle, but something about it just doesn’t seem right in my brain. Extra food very much equals extra fat. I also felt that I had more food on my plate than my parents.

  I just sat there and stared at this plate of food and the more I stared at it the bigger it seemed to get, and the task became even more daunting. At first I said to Mum and Dad that the problem was that I had a bigger portion. As the minutes passed, though, I lowered my very anorexic, defensive barrier and together we realized that it wasn’t really about the portion size, but about all those other things which had unbalanced me.

  This was quite an interesting experience because I got to see the power and effectiveness of expressing your feelings and how communicating and talking DOES WORK.

  Monday 31 December

  We were meant to be going to a New Year’s Eve party, but once again it all just got too much like yesterday and an explosion of fears and emotions came out. It was like an exact repeat of yesterday. A black cloud covers up your mind, and all of your rational thinking. It actually feels like something is compressing your head, it’s almost physical. You are aware of it, and can acknowledge it, after all it has been your friend, but as soon as it re-emerges, you become so lost and unaware of your real emotions that it just takes over everything.

  I put up my wall of protection, my anorexic barrier – everyone is trying to make me fat, you don’t understand, etc. Mum stayed very calm during this moment o
f vulnerability, but was stern with me, which was really great. It was the perfect combination between empathy and strong positive reinforcement. Her words were,

  ‘Yes, you have put on weight, but that is because you’ve been admitted to hospital with starvation, and you would have died if you continued to lose weight.’

  I felt a sudden change; I turned on my light of truth and pushed away my wall. It was protecting me from all my other feelings, which I learnt from yesterday are far more real and truthful, and this other load of crap that anorexia tells me is all rubbish!

  My truthful feelings were that I didn’t want to celebrate something that I didn’t want to happen. The new year of 2008 signifies moving on into the unknown, reaching out further into the world. Being at school in two weeks, being discharged in six weeks – can I really manage it all? Am I ready? People won’t understand that I am still ill, I’m recovering, but still ill because it is not about appearance any more. There are also anxieties about school. I haven’t got my uniform yet, what if I don’t fit in?

  Today was another example when talking helped, and I realized that it was the underlying things that mattered. We didn’t go to the party.

  Tuesday 1 January

  I wouldn’t be lying if I said that we did nothing, because we didn’t do anything I just flopped in front of the television, watched films, did a puzzle, and tried to be hopeful about 2008.

  Wednesday 2 January

  Back at the unit today I had a handover with my case manager, which was really good because all the things that had cropped up during the five days at home could go directly to her. One particular thing that came up was my phobia of birds, especially pheasants, which has become much worse, and we wondered whether it is related to other anxieties. She thinks it probably is, and suggested that it would be thought about more during the rest of my time here.

  Thursday 3 January

  It’s the start of 2008, so the theme in Creative Group was, ‘What would you like to have in 2008 if you could rule the world?’ I drew a black-and-white world with a shining glittery light coming from the corner. Because if anything this year, I want light to shine on my world, and show me the way forward to a new world in this New Year.