Mealtimes and Milestones

by Barter, Constance

  The picture I drew in Creative Group – light shining on my world

  Friday 4 January

  I found out today that my second key worker isn’t going to be there when I am discharged either – she is going to be on annual leave. So now, neither of my original key workers are going to be there. When I got in the car to go home with Mum and Dad I cried – key workers are meant to say goodbye to their key person, not the other way round.

  Saturday 5 January

  In the morning we went school uniform shopping, but I was a bit anxious about it because I know that we are going because my old school uniform doesn’t fit me any more. I was OK for most of it, but eventually it became too much and I realized that I needed to stop so I said–

  ‘Can we go?’

  –which Mum was fine about. I could feel myself going down a very negative track, and I had to get out before I started to compare myself or self-criticize my body even more. We got the uniform, though, which helped me feel more confident about going back to school, even if I wasn’t feeling so confident on the inside.

  What threw me slightly was having to eat my snacks in a café where we met my aunt, mostly because I wasn’t expecting it. I got really worried about people looking at me and felt very self-conscious, especially because one of my snacks was chocolate and that is what I consider as a ‘greedy food’. I just had to keep in mind how far I had come and how much courage I was showing by overcoming this challenge.

  I have found it really hard to sleep at night recently. I spoke to Mum about it before I went to bed last night and we did some relaxation exercises to try to help me. I have also found that I’ve got a shortness of breath. It’s happened in the past during quite stressful times for me – particularly in Year 6 when I was swimming with a club, doing gymnastics with another club, had exams, etc. So I guess it is not surprising that it has come back now when my key worker is leaving, I am starting school and I am being discharged – I guess it kind of all ties in.

  Mum said that it helps her to relax if she thinks that she is outside a gate, and outside the gate is a tree you can leave all your worries and fears on. The world through the gate is a place where she loves to be, and she stays there until she is ready to leave. When she goes back through the gate her worries may still be there on the tree, or in a different place. It is then her choice whether to pick them up or to leave them there hanging on the tree.

  I tried and tried to think of a truly happy place, a sanctuary, but I couldn’t think of one where I had only happy memories. This makes me sad.

  Sunday 6 January

  Today I relaxed and did some art. On the way back to hospital I was thinking about last night and how I couldn’t think of a happy, safe place. I thought about my whole life, right from the very beginning to where I am now. I thought about my mum’s womb, I know that sounds a bit (well, very) gross, but you’re protected from the world, in a safe environment. I was loved even though my parents hadn’t met me yet. I was no burden to anyone. You didn’t have to worry about things because things couldn’t worry you. Perhaps this was sanctuary . . .?

  Monday 7 January

  I felt very fragile today. I’d put on what felt like loads of weight, and I was dreading this week in itself because my key worker is leaving and I had had hardly any sleep once again. I felt very low, but I just covered it up, I don’t really know why. I think I just didn’t want to open my box of worries because it was too painful, just too painful this week.

  Tuesday 8 January

  There was a new a mission today which was quite hard because it just pulls me back to the illness. On the other side, though, it reminds me that if I keep going the way I am, I will have a life, and I can achieve this goal. It is getting closer as every day passes.

  One of the letters that helped to keep me strong

  Wednesday 9 January

  In therapy we addressed my bird phobia. We discussed in particular how pheasants are wild birds and therefore quite unpredictable, which means that I am not in control, and can make me feel vulnerable. However, this fear is obviously affecting my life, and does feel uncontrollable. I am slowly losing one fear of food, but am increasing one of birds.

  Thursday 10 January

  My key worker’s leaving day. I couldn’t believe that it was finally here. I had my last key session at noon. It was a chance to reflect on all of our memories, and value the special relationship that we have had.

  When it was time for her to leave I just cried and cried. When we hugged goodbye I whispered, ‘Please don’t go.’ She didn’t reply.

  I can’t bear the thought that she has left. When someone has been so instrumental in helping you to rebuild your life, of course you don’t want them to go. When I couldn’t see a light, she held it there for me. She held hope for me when I was utterly hopeless and she kept me safe when I was scared and vulnerable. I will never forget what she has done for me, and how she has helped me to reshape and turn my life around.

  Friday 11 January

  I felt really low today, grieving from the leaving of my key worker. Along with that there are now four people on the tube which brings back memories, painful memories. This brings the illness closer, which means I have to fight even harder to resist it. It also brings you down because you are having to fight so much of a mental battle inside. This makes me feel even more alone.

  Saturday 12 January

  I had a school meeting today which was really helpful. My tutor29 and I just went through what I would do in my free periods. This helped me to feel more relaxed about going back to school on Monday.

  Sunday 13 January

  Today I watched the two Pride and Prejudice films (to help with English) and then Sense and Sensibility, so it was a bit of a Jane Austen day!

  Monday 14 January

  School today, my first day.30 When I arrived there were loads of hugs, and it was great to see people, and sort of show them what their support has helped me do. At some points, though, the memories were excruciatingly painful, like walking past the loo where I use to go, or the bin where I use to hide food. It is a place in the past where I was blind to my destructive habits. I kept reassuring myself that this place that I am in now, after this voyage of discovery that I have been on, is where I want to be, and where I deserve to be. I found that this really helped me.

  Lunch was hard because I felt really self-conscious about eating in front of people. I still don’t want them to think that I am better. I just stayed focused, and it was definitely helpful deciding what I was going to have to eat in advance.

  TEXT MESSAGE:

  Constance. In all seriousness now I have never been so proud of someone. You have come so far and to see you back put an actual permanent smile on my face! I am so very proud of you. xxx

  I spoke with my tutor at the end of the day to review how the day had gone. Overall I thought that it went well; it was challenging, but motivating, and I feel the ‘p-word’ . . . proud! Which I know now is a great feeling to have, and that everyone deserves to feel it, even me.

  Tuesday 15 January

  A change was made at the hospital today. Anyone on the tube was going to have to sit on another table at lunchtime. I personally agree with this decision because coming back last night was like coming back to a house full of nothing but anorexia and unhelpful behaviours as much as possible, because clinging on to it isn’t going to help me.

  Wednesday 16 January

  I announced my discharge today, which was so exciting. I feel proud, and when people congratulated me, I was able to own the compliments instead of pretending that they weren’t for me, which feels really important, and something that I think I can value for the rest of my life of freedom.

  TEXT MESSAGE:

  Constance – Can I just say that I am never going to forget this day because this is the day that I can say without a shadow of doubt that you are the strongest and bravest person I know and ever will know. I will never forget the last year or so – it has taught me a
lot. I am so proud of you sweetie. I still have every letter you sent me. I will keep them forever and one day show them to my kids and say this is what you can achieve when you try. Well done Constance! You better be proud. xxx

  Thursday 17 January

  In Creative Group, I gained a real confidence boost because as a group we wrote down lots of things about each other, and the things that were said really touched me deep down, and kept me above my negative thoughts during quite a hard day for the community.

  Friday 18 January

  I felt really unsupported today, but I am struggling to understand whether I’m actually not getting any support or whether I’m pushing it away, so that others who are struggling more than me can get the priority.

  I guess that this question has come up in the past, although I haven’t been able to name it directly. When I’ve been really struggling and felt hopeless, there was help and support all around, but my head refused to let me use it, although my heart could see it and wanted it. In contrast there have also been times when people were unable to help me, either because they couldn’t understand or didn’t know how to help me, or because it wasn’t helpful support they were giving. I’m finding it hard that I can’t distinguish between the two.

  Saturday 19 January

  I found going to the gym really helpful today because it was such a good laugh, and it helped me to realize that exercising can be fun and an enjoyable experience, and that I don’t have to think about it any more as a chore that I have to do.

  Sunday 20 January

  I went to the cinema today with a friend from school. This was also great because I really cherish being normal. I feel like I am truly getting my life back on track, and that people like me not because I am anorexic, but because of other qualities that I hold. However, at present I am just not able to see them in myself. It feels too greedy to.

  Monday 21 January

  I had an in-patient/out-patient handover meeting today which was good because it helped me to feel more reassured about the level of support that I will get when I leave.

  However, I do feel extremely low because I didn’t get a handover when I came back from school, only a talk with a new therapeutic care worker, who isn’t even allowed to be allocated with anyone yet. This seems like a complete turnaround from Friday, when I felt like I was pushing support away, to now, when I want it but can’t seem to get it. I feel like no one is really caring for me, and people are just letting me do my own thing. After all, I am leaving in three weeks, why would they still want to offer support to me? This question is going round and round in my mind, and all I can think of is that I am a bad person, which makes me feel even worse, and has sent me into a complete self-negative downward spiral, which I am in now – and because I don’t feel anyone wants to listen to me, I am finding it hard to get out of it on my own. But who can I turn to?

  Tuesday 22 January

  I did a key session today in which I wrote down all of the positives and negatives of leaving. I found this helpful – getting stuff down on paper helped me to clear my mind.

  I’m feeling really mixed about the whole thing. Part of me is excited, and wants to move on and have a healthy, wonderful and exhilarating future; but on the other hand, the words ‘moving on’ seem like such big words. It’s moving on into the unknown. In the future there is a chance that I will have a relapse, which I know I don’t want – I don’t want to come here again, but I am so scared that it will happen. What strangely links with that is that most of the dreams that I have been having recently are about anorexia – having a relapse, having to be transferred to another hospital, going back on the tube, getting really thin and dying, and all of these scare me, especially the last one, because it could have so easily come to that.

  Wednesday 23 January

  In therapy we talked mostly about my discharge, and what I have gained from my time in hospital, and about my future.

  The future is a scary thing because it’s so unpredictable and so uncertain. The future is concealed from me, yet it knows that I am coming. I know that I can create my own future, but how much can anorexia also create?

  Thursday 24 January

  After school today I did judo. This really helped me to get back into school life and interact with different people in a different environment. I felt accepted by my year group. They left my difficulties and struggles behind, and consequently I was able to leave them behind too.

  Friday 25 January

  I had two free periods today at school from where I dropped my two GCSEs. I found that I was able to take advantage of this, and start to catch up on my school work and feel comfortable with it. If people do judge me for it, that is OK, because I am learning to be my own individual, and to be grateful for what I do have. I haven’t dropped the subjects because people don’t think I am good enough to do them. I have missed a tremendous amount of time off school and therefore it is very valid for me to do this. This is such a shift for me, and such a nice space to be in.

  After lessons I was also able to let myself relax and socialize with my friends. This was another change because I have never really done that before – I was always either exercising or working. I am starting to realize that people don’t like me because I am a hard worker or enthusiastic about sport, they like me because I am me.

  Saturday 26 January

  I helped out at a six-year-old’s birthday party today and it really got me thinking about being a child. Living in a world where everything is magic. I admire young children’s innocence and approach to things – they don’t mind saying what they are feeling, and aren’t scared of what their mind can do to them. Their innocence is their greatest virtue. But unfortunately we all have to grow up, and we enter a place where the magic is combated by logic and physics. Fairies don’t actually live at the bottom of your garden, and adults aren’t actually super-heroes! At least hope is there when you are young, and this stays with you for ever, no logic or physics can deny you this, and it is only when you are older that you can actually use it to its greatest advantage.

  Sunday 27 January

  I didn’t do much today, but instead I was up all night worrying about school tomorrow. I am still really insecure about myself. What if people don’t like me . . . ? What if they are just being nice to my face . . . ? And still the question remains about whether people are judging me for dropping some of my GCSEs. I tried to calm myself down and relax myself by thinking of all the beautiful texts, letters and words of support that people have given me. That helped me to realize that the support is genuine and it is because people cared for me when I couldn’t care for myself.

  Monday 28 January

  School was OK, a bit tough, but that is to be expected. Although this time I faced one of my biggest challenges so far . . . I went swimming. It was such a huge thing. I saw it as an option after school and something just came over me . . . I was going to do it, I can’t keep putting it off for ever. I used to do it four times a week. It was made easier because there weren’t any boys, and also no one from my year was there, so I felt like the other years might not judge me as much, if they did judge me on my size. It was hard putting my costume on and looking down and being so appalled by my body.

  ‘Look what they did . . . they made you fat.’

  ‘NO! They made me healthy. I was malnourished before.’ I told myself that I wasn’t even going to have this conversation with myself and it stopped there.

  Once I was in the water, though, I was OK because I felt concealed. The sense of achievement I felt afterwards was so huge. I don’t think that I showed it much on the outside, but inside I was jumping for delight, and I still am. I so prefer the space that I am in, it is so much better than where I was before. To feel this happy is worth every bit of pain and hurt that I endured to get here.

  I felt that Mum was quite forceful afterwards, though, with getting me to eat extra. I felt like she was taking away from me what I had just achieved. I didn’t like it, I felt like I was b
eing pushed into a corner, which meant I felt like I had to refuse food, so we argued about that. I felt really uncomfortable, but we were able to talk to each other directly, which helped us understand each other. Mum was concerned about me exercising again, and getting into an obsessive habit again, and I can understand that – she is scared. For me various things had happened at school which made the illness greater for me and made me realize that it is still a big part of me. For example, someone said,

  ‘Ah, I’m starving, I haven’t had any breakfast.’

  All I heard was ‘no breakfast’ and I wished that it could have been me, but I had to stop and think about where that would get me. Another thing was when people were handing around food at break. I wanted to take it so I could fit in more, but I can’t let myself because if I do then I’m acknowledging that I am ‘better’.

  These two things in particular had made me feel insecure; and so on top of that, being pressured meant that I had to refuse food. Mum and I talked and worked through my anxieties, and she was able to understand what I was finding hard. Talking really helped in this situation.

  Tuesday 29 January

  When I came back to the hospital today I had a handover with a member of staff who I don’t really know and don’t trust, so I didn’t really talk about the true ups and downs of the weekend. This got me thinking about my out-patient team because I don’t know them very well and so I don’t trust them, and in order to make sure that I don’t relapse their support is going to be vital, but I don’t know how to break this lack of trust.

  Wednesday 30 January

  In therapy we talked about my time at home and the events that occurred. Especially the ‘no breakfast’ remark at school. The therapist explained that I wasn’t able to take into consideration that whoever said that will probably have extra food at lunch to make up for their hunger; I was only able to see the ‘no eating’ part of it.