by Gareth Lewis
*
“Well that was a disaster,” said Carter. “What happened?”
What happened was Marcus had frozen on air while announcing the result of the vote on the planet’s new name. That kind of speaking had always left him at ease. He never thought of all the people watching his speech, only of the camera itself, so he’d found it easier than speaking in front of a crowd.
This time, he’d frozen. The new name on the tip of his tongue, and him sitting there looking like an idiot. All of a sudden the camera hadn’t seemed so friendly.
“It became our planet’s name to his mind,” said Vassily. “The meme must have focussed on the idea of the planet’s name, rather than its actual name.”
“You knew this would happen?” said Marcus, his irritation barely in check.
Vassily shrugged. “It was a possibility. I’d expected it to show up before the broadcast. Maybe you didn’t accept it as the new name until you came to announce it. I can still remember it, so I obviously haven’t accepted it.” He said the name, which Marcus recognized. Then it slipped away.
“So we can’t work around this?” said Carter.
“Not that way,” said Vassily.
“You have any other ways?”
“We could try waiting it out. This kind of memetic implant won’t necessarily stay stable for the long term.”
“How long?” said Carter.
“Might be weeks, probably no longer than a year.”
“Too long.”
“Testing might allow us to get a better target on the exact neural neighbourhood affected,” said Vassily. “We could try overloading it with other memes, wearing it down so it degrades faster. I wouldn’t be happy about the potential long-term effects of that without testing.”
“Testing takes time,” said Carter. “Can’t you see the urgency?”
“For you, yes,” said Vassily. “Many don’t care.”
“Do you? Or should I find someone who does?”
“I understand that politically it’s important you be seen acting. Unlike politicians, I’m not interchangeable. I’m the best person for my job, and my interest is in a safe end to the situation, not a speedy one.”
Carter appeared on the verge of attacking, and Marcus’ pride felt severely bruised. Neither had the opportunity to respond as Stephanie intruded.
“Do we consider paying? It doesn’t have much support from the public, but...” The thought froze under Carter’s gaze.
Marcus attempted to defuse the tension. “I assume using the planetary designation instead won’t work?”
“When that’s regarded as the planet’s primary identity, it’ll go the same way,” said Vassily.
“Waiting may not be a good idea,” said Stephanie. “The interplanetary league match can’t be delayed, and without our planet’s name fans are insisting on using a city name for the team. Unfortunately there are vocal factions from a few cities, and their hostility towards the Alpharians is shifting towards each other. Our psychologists claim this could be the start of growing alienation and segregation among the population, without an overarching identifier to unite us.”
“It’s been days,” said Carter. “What’s wrong with people? And what can we do about it?”
“The only option I see is paying without letting them keep the money,” said Vassily.
“How?” said Carter. “And where would we get the money in time? It’d have to be created, and making that much new money would have economic repercussions. You yourself said they’d be set up to cover their tracks?”
“They’ll probably use the delay between systems to hide their trail,” said Vassily.
Money was virtual, held on the computer systems which ran society. While the financial systems of all planets communicated, brief delays caused by security fractionally delayed tracking signals. All planets had distinct currencies, and while the perpetrator could plan to trade currencies to hide their trail, that would take longer. There were enough accounts with ducats, their planet’s primary currency, that it could be lost.
“Can we arrange beforehand for other systems to follow any transactions with us?” said Stephanie.
“There are a few who’d be unwilling to do so,” said Vassily. “If I were hiding a trail I’d ensure it went through all of those, maybe a few times. They’d probably use the cover these systems offer to split the funds into smaller parcels. Given the amount stated, they may only intend to get away with a few million, keeping large amounts moving around so we lose track of the smaller ones.”
“There’s no way we can tag the money?” said Carter.
“Nothing that would work,” said Vassily. “It could result in transfer delays by some systems, missing the deadline.”
“So how do we not let them keep it?” said Marcus.
“We rename the currencies,” said Vassily.
“Rename them?” said Carter.
“They’re demanding one billion ducats.” This was the standard credit in their currency, but not the only denomination. “What if we renamed it, while assigning the name ducat to a new currency that’s a millionth of the value? We’d need to convert all domestic and interplanetary accounts just before we send the payment, but it’s doable.”
“What about conversions?” said Stephanie. “And transactions underway when we send the funds?”
“We’d have to coordinate with other systems,” said Vassily. “We needn’t let them know what we’re doing until the last moment, but mapping out valid accounts would be reasonable, and updating the currency exchange rates minor. If we halt all transactions to avoid delaying the payment, the thief might suspect we’re trying to track them, but probably won’t look at what we’re doing to other accounts.”
“How do we know they won’t notice before sending the signal to reverse the meme?” said Marcus.
“The same way we know they’ll actually send the signal,” said Vassily. “We don’t. It shouldn’t be immediately obvious, and once they’ve got the money they’ll want to close the operation as soon as possible.”
There were no questions as they considered it.
“Anyone have a better idea?” said Carter.
They didn’t.
“Might as well go with this then.”
*
Silence exacerbated the tension as they waited. The broadcast of their acquiescence hadn’t come easy to Marcus. He’d felt the weight of all the eyes on him, with their accusation. Hopefully he’d feel easier afterwards, when things were restored and their trick revealed to the public.
The payment had been gone a minute, barely ten seconds after the signal to convert existing accounts to the updated currencies. Considering how fast money moved through the systems, it’d had enough time to make a few dozen circuits. Why hadn’t they received the response?
Would it be coming, or had they gone through all of this to still be without their planet’s name?
The blank screen flickered with static for a few seconds, and he felt a pulsing in his head. A name came to mind. It felt right, familiar, and accompanied by a certainty that this was his planet’s name.
Smiles broke out, quickly followed by orders to raise the new defences against further signals. Then he’d make another broadcast, to explain things to the public.
For now, the crisis was over. Their planet had a name again.
*
And that’s how Planet of Cheating Bastards got its name, and why the next planet to receive the message paid immediately.
###
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Other titles by Gareth Lewis:
Allegiances
Blade Sworn
Coral Throne
Glyphmaster
Glyphpunk
Glyphwar
Grey Engines
Grey Enigmas
Monstrum Ex Machina
Shadows of the Heavens
Song of Thunder
Soul Food
Stoneweaver
Tales of the Thief-City
The Monster in the Mirror
The Sin of Hope
To Hunt Monsters