But I couldn't forget.
My eyes popped open, images of Cole dancing before me no matter where I looked. I could picture him walking through my door, shooting me a kind smile as he dumped his bag. He'd walk over to the couch and flop down beside me, his warm hand running up my thigh as he nuzzled my neck and asked me what we should do for dinner.
The dream evaporated with my sigh.
I wished they would just leave me alone, but as the months ticked by, they grew stronger.
I'd danced around my kitchen with his ghost, singing to Ella and Louis and hearing his voice join me. I wanted him. I wanted the life we could have had together, but it'd been four months now and I wasn't sure I could get it. Had he moved on? Would he even want me after skipping out on him like that?
And then there was the whole David thing.
I still felt guilty about that. Morgan had finally fessed-up about their fight and how Cole had moved out. I'd destroyed a friendship, and I wasn't sure I could ever get over that guilt...no matter how far I ran.
Four months ago, I'd boarded a bus to Washington State. I didn’t know what had compelled me home, but the second I stepped into Bellevue, I knew I'd made the right choice. In spite of my constant tears and aching heart, I stuck it out, walking past my old house and school. Reliving precious memories that I'd kept on lockdown for so long.
It'd taken me three weeks to muster the courage to visit the cemetery. I hadn't stood before my parents' tombstones since their joint funeral. My legs had buckled as I remembered the dirt being thrown over their gleaming caskets and I crumbled to the wet grass, running my fingers over their engraved names and sobbing. A light patter of rain had fallen over me, and my tears had slowly ebbed. It was like they were crying with me, wishing they could have been there to solve my problems.
But they couldn't.
They weren't.
It was up to me.
The next day, I'd looked up community colleges in the area and filled in my application forms. I was doing it, standing on my own two feet and surviving just fine. I was proud of myself. I'd found a job at a music and movie shop in town. They sold second-hand CDs, books and DVDs. I was having fun listening to all the music and watching old movies. I worked most weekends and every Thursday night. My boss was a funny guy and had been the first person to make me laugh since leaving Chicago. He even invited me to join his daughter's community choir, so every Monday I spent my evening singing in the alto section and loving every second of it.
Yep, I was settled. I was proving to myself that being on my own didn't have to be a scary thing.
The only problem with this new set-up was that I was miserable. I liked what I was doing. I just hated the fact I had no one to share it with. My house of love was empty and cold. At the end of my day, I came home to nothing.
I missed Morgan and Jody. We tried to Skype weekly, but it wasn't the same. They were worried about me, and every conversation ended with me having to justify why I was drawing out my self-discovery.
I guess I was scared.
I had unfinished business to deal with, and I knew until I'd closed old wounds, I'd never be able to move forward.
Picking up my phone, I ran my thumb over the screen, knowing I should make the call. I'd wanted to do it for weeks now, dial him up and talk it through, bare my soul and hope for a good outcome.
But I didn't deserve it.
“You can't keep going like this.” I sighed.
My screen went black, so I pushed the button again and checked the time, an idea fluttering through me.
The sun was setting a little later these days. If I left right now, I'd make it there and back before dark.
Rising from the couch before I could change my mind, I grabbed my keys and bike helmet.
I hadn't been able to afford a car, so now rode everywhere. It was a bit of a drag, but I was getting fit and that part felt good.
It took me fifteen minutes to reach the cemetery. I steered my bike left down the first lane and pulled it to a stop, resting it against a tree. Clicking off my helmet, I hung it over the handlebars and slowly approached their graves.
“Hey, guys.” I rubbed my thighs and knelt to the ground in front of them. “I know I don't usually come on a Wednesday night, and I promise I'll head home before it gets dark. I just...” I sighed. Sometimes I felt silly talking to two headstones, but it always surprised me how whenever I thought that, something would make me change my mind.
A light breeze whistled through the grass at my knees. I ran my hand over the soft blades and smiled. Maybe they were here listening to me.
“As you know, I've avoided dealing with some stuff. I told you how it all went down, but I guess I never admitted just how much Cole means to me.” I blinked at my tears. “You guys were really in love. I remember recognizing that early on. I want a marriage like yours...I just wish I didn't want it with Cole.” I raised my eyebrows, letting out a pitiful laugh. “I thought the out-of-sight, out-of-mind effect would kick in and I'd be able to move on, but he's just not leaving me. I miss him. I ache for the life we could have together.”
I sniffed.
“I know there's only one thing I can do. I feel like it could give me closure and then I could move on, but I'm scared. I have no idea what he'll say to me or if he'll even hear me out. But I have to resolve this. It's eating me up constantly. So—” I took a breath. “I thought I'd come here and make the call with you guys for support.”
I pulled out my phone, the grass tickling my ankles as if telling me to go for it. Pulling in a breath, I held it as I found the number and pressed the CALL button.
I hadn't spoken to him since everything fell apart. He tried to call me once, but I ignored it, spending the rest of the day in a flustered panic, wondering what he'd wanted to say to me.
“Hello.” He answered the phone, his voice so familiar I couldn't help a smile. I could picture how he was standing, the look on his face. He was no doubt scowling and my belly trembled.
“Hey, David.”
He didn't say anything. He was probably regretting the fact he'd responded to my call.
His silence was torture, but he hadn't hung up, so I pressed on. “I know you probably never want to speak to me again.”
“What do you want, Ella?”
“I want to apologize.”
He scoffed. “For sleeping with my best friend? Or breaking my heart in front of a room full of people?”
I pressed my lips together, his words stinging. Tears seared my vision, but I had to keep it together. This was the one and only time I'd be making this call, and I had to make it count.
“Actually, I'm more sorry for not being honest with you. When we first got together, you were like this rock that held me steady. You were so sure of yourself and what you wanted, and I clung to that. I thought I could follow you anywhere and you'd keep me safe. It didn't even occur to me that I might not want the same things as you. You meant safety to me, and that's all I thought I needed.” I licked my lip. “When you first left L.A., I guess I got my first taste of life without you. I hated it at first, but then it got comfy and I started to believe in my own strength, but you'd been so good to me and I never wanted to hurt you. I thought when I got to Chicago everything would fall back into place. Your dreams would become mine, and we'd live happily ever after.”
“I would have been a good husband to you.” His voice was tight and strained; his wounds were still raw and I hated myself for it.
“Yeah, you would have.” I nodded. “You would have tried really hard, and we probably would have survived, but...” I sighed, reminding myself to be honest and not just say what he wanted to hear. “I don't want to survive a marriage, David, I want to enjoy it.”
David's sigh was heavy. I paused, giving him room to speak.
Finally he mumbled, “Yeah, I guess that's fair.”
“I know I hurt you. I feel like I'm doing it right now and I wish I could take that back, but if I'd been honest from the begin
ning, then I never would have made such a mess of things. I'm so sorry for humiliating you at your party and for letting you down.” My voice wobbled as tears crept over me, pricking my eyes and making them ache. “You don't ever have to forgive me for what happened, but I needed you to know how sorry I was. I've always been a coward. The idea of hurting you killed me, so I stayed silent and just made everything worse.” I sucked in a shaky breath, sniffing and wiping at my tears.
“Where are you? What are you doing?” David's voice was soft, taking me by surprise.
I sniffed, sitting up a little straighter. “I'm uh... I'm at a little community college in Bellevue...Bellevue College.” I chuckled. “In Washington.”
“You went home. I thought you swore never to go back.”
“Yeah, I thought it'd be too painful, but it's okay.”
“Are you happy?”
“Yeah, yeah, pretty much. It's a good life. I feel proud of myself for being able to do this on my own. It's my first time that I've ever been independent and I needed to be, you know? So, yeah. Yeah, it's good.”
“You miss Cole, don't you?”
He didn't sound angry, just really sad. My voice caught in my throat, and I had to swallow twice before being able to speak.
“I never meant to fall in love with him, David, I swear. It just happened and I didn't have the strength to stop it. I tried. I really tried. That's why I had to walk away. I knew if I stayed I had to be with him, and I didn't want to hurt you even more.”
“You left for me?” His voice rose with surprise.
“You make it sound like I never loved you.“
“Did you?”
“Yes! David, you were my first love, and I will always be grateful that I had you in my life. Please, believe me. You were everything I needed when we first got together. I wanted us to last. I really did.”
His silence was nerve-wracking. I wasn't sure if he believed me, and it hurt to think it.
“I guess I had to leave for myself as well. I had to get over you properly and figure out what my dreams looked like.”
“What do they look like?”
“I'm still working on it.” I smiled, not wanting to admit how heavily Cole played in all of them. “I'm taking a bunch of different classes at school, trying to figure out what interests me the most and what I want to do with my life.”
“No more literature?”
I swallowed. “I do like reading, I just...those classes never really inspired me.”
“Then why did you take them? Why did you let me push you in that direction?”
“Because I didn't know how to say no to you. I wanted to make you happy.”
“No wonder we couldn't make it,” he whispered, a bitterness giving his words a sharp edge.
I wanted to hang up the phone right then, guilt making my heart race so fast I thought I might pass out.
“Why'd you really call me, Ella?”
“I needed closure. I needed you to hear the truth.”
“You want my blessing, don't you?”
I nearly dropped the phone.
“Excuse me?”
“To be with Cole. You want me to tell you it's okay for you guys to be together.”
“I...I would never expect that from you. That's not fair.”
“But you want it.”
“I...I...”
Did I?
Was that why I had called?
No. I shook my head. I didn't need David's permission. It was about apologizing. It was about closure!
“Ella?”
“I haven't called him. He doesn't even know where I am.”
“I know.” He snickered. “I find that kind of surprising actually. I thought you guys would be shacked up together in no time.”
“I couldn't do that to you.”
“So, once again, you're gonna let me steal all your dreams?”
My heart hitched. “David...I...”
“You made me happy. I loved being with you. You were the perfect girlfriend. You'd come when I'd call. You'd do anything for me. But you didn't want to be doing any of that stuff, did you? I thought I'd been making you happy, but it'd just been an act.”
“You did make me happy. You—”
“I didn't. Not really and how was I even supposed to when you just went along with everything I said?”
“I was trying to be supportive.”
“You wouldn't let me in, Ella. You lied.”
My face dropped.
“I want to hate you for it. I never noticed that you weren't happy, and it's been tearing me apart. You made me feel like such a blind jerk.”
“I'm sorry,” I whispered.
“I don't know if I'm ready to forgive you yet.”
“That's okay.”
“And I don't know if I can give you my blessing either. I'm sorry, but if you want to be with Cole, then you need to just get over the fact it'll wound me.”
“I can't call him, David. I can't run into his arms if it's gonna hurt you even more. I've done enough damage.”
“Don't put this on me, Ella.”
Tears lined my lashes as I shook my head. “I don't want to be with him under a cloud. If he finds me, I won't run away, but I'm not coming back to Chicago.” I sniffed. “You take care, David. Thanks for hearing me out.”
I slashed at my tears and pulled the phone away from my ear, pressing the END button before he could say anything else.
Pulling my knees to my chest, I rested my forehead against them and cried wretched tears that convulsed my body. Nighttime slowly crept over me as I laid my head to the grass, soaking the blades with my tears.
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
COLE
The bar at Quigg's had never been as shiny as it was now. I'd become a wiping magician. I didn’t know why. I guess it felt therapeutic somehow. It was a circular, robotic motion that I could concentrate on. As soon as my mind began to wander, I'd pull it back into place by watching my cloth spin round and round on the counter top.
I'd been living back here for five months now. I worked every spare minute I had and spent the rest of my time in classes or studying. When I was at campus, I kept my head down. I didn't want to talk to anybody, and I sure as hell didn't want to meet any girls.
I knew Nina and Malachi were worried about me, but I just ignored their quiet comments and kept about my business. In a few months’ time, school would end, and I could finally put my deposit down on the place I'd found in the south side of town. Malachi had checked it out with me and thought it was a good spot. It needed a shit-load of renovations, but I didn't care; it'd be something to keep me busy over the summer. Nina had sat with me for hours looking at my trust fund and helping me figure out what to spend and where to spend it. They were a little dubious about me going into this venture on my own, but I needed something to pour my energy into.
I couldn't think of Ella. If my mind ever wandered in that direction, it paralyzed me. I ached for her in every way possible. I'd even shed tears, cried into my pillow like some tween girl who'd broken up with her boyfriend. I hated myself for it. I worried about Ella constantly, wondering where she was. I knew she didn't want to leave me. I just knew it. But she had. She'd put her guilt over David above everything else.
I'd worked through the emotions—denial, anger, despair. Nina had talked me through it all. I certainly hadn't reached my higher ground and I felt stuck in the middle of a bog, sinking daily, wondering if I'd ever have the strength to pull myself to the other side. The only thing to get a smile out of me was the prospect of my bar. It'd be hard. I'd have to work like a damn dog, but I could do it.
Throwing my cloth behind the bar, I checked the stock for tonight. Thursday nights were sometimes a little busier, and we didn't want to run out of booze. The door creaked open, and I looked across the room at the lone patron.
My stomach coiled, and I had to force my face not to show it.
Pressing my hands into the polished wood, I forced a closed-mouth smile. �
�Hey.”
David greeted me with a nod and slipped into the seat in front of me.
“I didn't expect to ever see you walk in here.”
“I didn't think I ever would, either.” David pursed his lips, struggling to make eye contact with me.
I tapped the bar with my finger, my lips twitching as I struggled for something to say.
“Can I get you a beer?”
“Yeah, please.” David nodded and I got to work. He picked up the cardboard coaster and spun it in his hands, dropping it down when I placed the dark ale in front of him.
“It's on the house.”
David lifted the glass and nodded his thanks before taking a long swig.
“So, uh, how's life?” I scratched at the counter top, resisting the urge to reach for my cloth and wipe it clean.
“Yeah, not bad. School's school, you know.” He shrugged.
“Still maintaining your A+ average?”
“Yep.” He pressed his lips together. “It's tiring, but I know I won't regret it. I'm taking the summer off. Paul's invited me to London, so I'm gonna go and check out Europe with my big bro and meet my new nephew.”
“Awesome. That'll be great.” I smiled, feeling good that he was moving on. I wished I could do the same.
“Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.”
David took another long swig of his beer, still not looking at me. It was frickin' torture, and eventually I couldn't help drumming my fingers on the bar. Letting out an awkward chuckle, I looked him square in the face.
“So, are you here to finish me off or forgive me or...what?”
David smiled, his tongue poking out the edge of his mouth as he tipped his head in consideration. “Not here to finish you off. Not sure I'll ever be able to forgive you, but I just came to say that maybe you were right.”
My lips parted.
David's jaw popped to the side. “Ella and I didn't really have that thing. You know, that x-factor people talk about. I didn't think it mattered, but maybe it would have. I mean, I hate to sing, and dancing...no way. I can't stand that song 500 miles or whatever it's called and she loves it. I'd rather go watch a soccer game, and she'd rather sit through Dirty Dancing for the fifty-billionth time. I don't know, maybe Ella and I could have lasted the distance, but...did she inspire you? I mean, did she make you deliriously happy? Is she the kind of girl you’d redefine future for?”
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