When we get close, the gray laser slips out of the lion’s crest, scanning my irises.
With recognition, the secret door slides open and I look at Nassa. “After you.”
“You have a secret dungeon? Why does this not surprise me?”
I motion for Nassa to walk through it first. “Nothing about me should surprise you.”
She brushes past me, and I breathe in her lavender scent, trying to calm my nerves. Once we’re in the hidden room, the door closes and disappears behind me. The warm amber lights of the hallway turn on and Nassa’s eyes meet mine in amusement.
With a wink, I walk past her down the rest of the marble stairs into the large chamber, Nassa at my heels. I still and watch her take everything in. Her hands slide over the marble walls, feeling the cool stone under her fingertips.
“You’ve laced the white marble with hematite?” she says.
“It’s my healing stone. This is where I come to heal,” I reveal.
Nodding, she lets her gaze fall to the dark gray shag rug under our feet. With an amused shake of her head, she takes off her shoes and socks and basks in the feel of the softness under her feet. I walk over to the one huge gas fireplace. It’s so large, it almost takes up an entire wall and is decorated with different stonework in shades of gray.
Needing something to do, I flip the switch on, igniting the fire. The blue and orange flames come to life, dancing and reflecting off the glass stones underneath them. The tiniest bit of warmth seeps out. When I turn back around, Nassa is in one of the corners, sliding heavy curtains, which hang in each of the corners of the room, through her fingers.
The velvet is an attempt to soften all the hardness of the cold marble and stone. She releases the material and walks around, touching all the marble gargoyle statues resting in the arched alcoves along the walls—a traditional embellishment in a sanctuary room such as this for our race.
Nassa turns and smirks at me. “What? No bar? How very un-Gage-like.”
Arching an eyebrow, I flip up the second switch. At the far end of the room, a wall slides open, revealing my private collection of expensive liquors adorning a glass bar.
“It’s fully stocked,” I point out.
She laughs. “Of course it is.”
Her playful eyes look around and I cross my arms and wait for her questions.
Nassa’s eyes meet mine. “I’m guessing this isn’t your childhood room.”
I shake my head slowly. “It’s my stone state chamber.”
With a hiss, she sucks in a breath and her expression turns ashen and crestfallen.
“This is where I come to heal, astral project, or realm jump. My stone state bed has been completely carved out of hematite, including the four lion heads on each post.”
With slow, measured steps, she walks over to the bed and gently traces one of the intricate lion faces with her finger. “Lions are revered for their raw power and strength. Did you know that?” Her voice is thin and wispy. “They are full of majestic beauty and grace,” she continues, not looking at me. “Everything fears them. Yet they fear nothing.”
I take a step closer to her, matching her tone. “They’re feared because they control everything and everyone around them. Lions maintain order by making laws and punishing those who don’t abide. There is nothing beautiful or graceful about that.”
“And yet, without them,” she whispers, “there wouldn’t be balance.” Nassa turns and looks up at me, smiling sadly. “They’re beautifully tragic, Gallagher. Just like you.” She stares at the invisible space between us. “Why am I here? In your private sanctuary?”
“I was broken when we met. Barely breathing.” My throat feels scratchy with the heaviness of the words. “The night Camilla died, my heart stopped beating.”
Swallowing, she looks away.
I grab her chin between my fingers, forcing her eyes to meet mine again. “But you . . .” I pause, inhaling through my nose. “You brought me back to life.”
Trepidation fills her eyes as she searches my gaze with her own.
I grab her wrist with my other hand and place her palm over my heart, where my protector tattoo should be, but isn’t. Not since Camilla’s death, anyway.
“You helped me live another night. And then another. And another,” I force out of a tight throat. “Until living became less foreign to me, and more normal. I trust you. With my secrets, with my existence, with my past and my future. That is why you’re here.”
As she eyes me, she holds her breath, my words sinking in.
“Um,” she draws out. “O-okay.”
“I need you to sleep with me,” I announce in a weak voice.
She tilts her head. “What?”
“When I helped Asher and Eve, I had to align with the Spiritual Assembly.”
Apprehension crosses her expression and she eyes me skeptically. “So?”
“With that oath, my protector blood became fully divine,” I swallow. “Therefore, I am no longer able to cross into dark realms without help from . . . a dark bloodline.”
Understanding falls across her features. “Does anyone else know about this?”
“Only you.”
“That’s why we’re here?” she challenges with an oddness to her tone. “You need me to realm jump into the demonic dimension in order for us to search for the treaty?”
“Trust me, buttercup, if I could do this a different way, I would.”
At my words, Nassa tenses. “You don’t want to stone sleep with me?”
“No,” I sigh, without thinking.
Her shoulders fall. “Ouch, Gallagher.”
“Wait,” I reply quickly. “It’s not for the reason you think.”
“Then explain it to me,” she replies. “And do so quickly, before I leave.”
“I don’t like leaning on others for shit I used to be able to do alone. Before I aligned with the Assembly. Or agreed to become leader of my clan,” I give her the half-truth.
Nassa closes her eyes before opening them and deadpanning me. “I get it.”
“I trust you. Only you. I need your help to do this.”
She nods, conceding. “But . . . this is your stone state bed.”
“My stone state chamber is the only safe place I can jump. It’s where I’ll be protected while we cross realms,” I explain. “Please.” I use the unfamiliar word quietly.
“You and Camilla already . . .” she trails off, stepping back out of my hold.
I know what she is thinking. In the gargoyle world, a stone state bed is a very personal safe haven. A male gargoyle only invites his mated partner to share a stone state sleep. Normally, on the first night of their bonding ceremony, to consummate their unification. It’s all super fucking intimate, which is why only mates share a stone state bed and sleep. Once shared, you become physically and mentally bonded with your partner. And once it’s shared, a gargoyle, under mated rules, isn’t allowed to share it again. Not ever.
The mated bond won’t allow it—you only get one forever.
I’ve already had my forever.
With Camilla.
Exhaling, she steps closer to the side of the bed and runs her palm over the decorative dark gray and white fur blanket, which is folded neatly, laying on the bottom of the bed.
She looks down, closing her eyes as her face pales and she focuses on breathing.
I stare straight ahead, at the wall, as if it holds all the world’s secrets and will share them. “After her death, I burned Camilla’s and my stone state bed,” I admit quietly. “Along with everything else in Paris that reminded me of her. After about a week, I realized I needed a safe place to heal, which I can only do in a stone state sleep. So, I redid this château, and when I did, I had this chamber built, and this bed commissioned and charmed. This is what I’ve been using since. No one knows about it. No one has been here but you.”
Curling her fingers into the blanket, she clenches it hard and nods, hearing me.
I walk over to her side
, my mouth at her ear. “While you and I can’t share a protector blood link, or a mate bonding, we can still realm jump in stone state sleep. When I aligned with the Spiritual Assembly, some pieces of me were . . . reborn. I can offer you those pieces. If you want them.” She twists, looking up at me. “I want you to want to.”
She sucks in a breath, releasing the blanket. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying”—I step in front of her, taking her face between my palms—“when you kissed me that first time, I felt something other than soul-crushing pain. You are the only being in existence I trust. The only one I know will bring me back from the depths of hell, because you did it once before. I literally had nothing left to give, and yet, you still found a way to take everything from me. I can’t share a mate bond with you, and I can’t give you my mark. But everything else I am, and have left, I’m laying it all at your feet.”
15
Into the Unknown
NASSA
Fighting back tears, I press a hand to his chest. Under my palm, Gage’s heart beats wildly, proving he still has one. Then again, I’ve always known he had one. If he didn’t, he’d feel nothing, instead of feeling everything so deeply. He licks his lips slowly, like he wants to taste me, and a small shiver runs through me at the motion.
Overwhelmed by his words, I look over at his stone state bed.
“You’re asking for total surrender without a formal link,” I rasp.
“Blood links and mate marks are just symbols, buttercup.”
“Symbols with significant meanings,” I point out.
He motions to his stone state bed. “This is what I can offer.”
Why am I even contemplating this?
Why am I not stopping this, knowing I can’t have it all with him?
Why am I talking to myself in my head?
I hiss in a breath, looking in his eyes for a hint of indecision—there’s none. Behind his gaze, all I see is a future—an ugly, messy one. Searching my heart, I decide I don’t care if a future with Gage is complicated; what isn’t with him? I’ll take the broken pieces that are left of him, because even a small piece of him is better than having nothing at all.
Loving him means never loving a whole being, but that doesn’t mean the broken parts left behind don’t deserve to be loved. As we stand here, face to face, Gage watches the indecision waging a war in me as time stands still. I don’t want to let him go. He’s become too important to me. To my existence. As I look into his gaze, slowly everything around me begins to still and become clear. I let go of any preconceived notions I carried of what our future would look like, any fairytale forever, and instead focus on what the reality is.
He thinks he has nothing to give, but that’s a lie.
He has everything to give, and he’s offering it to me.
My heart squeezes at the sadness etched onto his face. Yet it’s mixed with hope. Both are like a silent prayer, begging me to take all the hurt away and just love him.
And with that one look, I surrender everything I am to him.
Falling into the unknown.
Gage’s forehead drops to mine and his hands move to my waist. I feel his fingers press deep into my sides, holding on to me as if I’m his lifeline and his survival depends on it. I exhale slowly and just take in this moment, bracing myself, waiting for him to move.
He doesn’t.
The silence wraps around us and becomes almost suffocating.
Unsure what to do, I simply stand here, letting him hold on to me.
“I keep fighting all the voices in my head telling me I’m not enough,” he whispers.
All lies.
“I’ve been drowning in the dark for so long . . .” He trails off.
I know he has.
“I’m so tired.” His voice is worn and thin.
I move my forehead away from his, so I can look him in his shattered gaze.
“So. Damn. Tired. Of fighting.”
“Then, I’ll help you rest. Sleep. Heal. I’ll help you find peace.”
“I’m not the same being I was before . . . her.”
“Then I’ll remind you of who you are. Not who you were.”
Staring into my eyes, he swallows as the war inside his heart rages on.
My own heart slams painfully against my chest as I wait.
Everything with him is so raw and tragically agonizing.
Desperation ignites between us as the darkness rolls off him. When his eyes flash with distress and fear, that’s when I feel it—everything that plagues him. I vow to take it all on. To own every dark corner of him. His eyes fill with longing, and then, behind his gaze, I see the moment he releases control of every protective wall he’s put up to safeguard his heart. Stepping closer, I take his face between my palms firmly, to reassure him.
“I can’t initiate—” His voice is shaky.
My heart almost shatters at the terror in his voice. I know what’s he’s saying. He can’t be in charge like he always is with us. It’s too painful for him to guide me into his bed.
Understanding, I nod. “I’ll take care of you.”
Every heavy pant of his breath floats across my lips as I step even closer.
Gage squeezes his eyes shut and I lift my lips and gently brush my mouth over his in a small, reassuring tease. His fingertips dig deeper into my sides, gripping me almost painfully. A tremor racks his body as I slowly guide him closer to the edge of the bed.
The shadows created by the flames in the fire dance around us and I silently promise him that I’ll be all he wants and needs me to be. Even if he’s always caught in the space in between. Little by little, my hands slide off his face, down his neck, and over his shoulders, stopping on his biceps. With a tiny squeeze, I encourage him to sit on the end of the bed. After a moment, he does. With an unstable breath, he inhales.
Slowly, I remove his shoes and socks so he’ll be comfortable.
Once they’re off, he sits back until he’s in the middle of the bed.
Taking a moment, I just look at him.
Frightened, he’s sitting in the middle of this ornate, oversized bed. His eyes are closed. His body is trembling. It’s so damn heartbreaking to see this powerful, controlled gargoyle hurting so much that he looks like a small child instead of a fierce warrior. Terror bleeds through and off him, slamming into me, along with his hesitation. With slow, measured movements, I crawl onto the bed, over to him. My heart stutters with the knowledge that I’m about to break him before I can save him. As his breathing becomes laborious, I climb onto his lap and slide my fingers through his golden hair, gripping it.
“Open your eyes, Gallagher, and look at me,” I demand in a whisper.
“I can’t.”
“I want you to see that I’m the one here with you in this moment.”
With a painful slowness, his eyelids flutter open.
When his eyes find mine, I’m hit with a deep sense of foreboding. I shudder. All of a sudden, it’s like I can feel his darkness everywhere inside me. In my soul. In my heart. It’s as if with one look he’s demanding I see and accept him, every dark corner. Like I’ve been awakened as we become something else. My breath quickens as I look into his eyes, then glance at his mouth, asking permission to claim him. A slow dip of his chin is all he gives.
As I move my lips closer to his, his eyes turn dark, poisoned with possession. He’s looking at me as if I’m the savior he’s been waiting for all this time. I know that his expression in this moment will haunt me for the rest of my existence. When I’m close enough to feel his breath on my lips, a pained raw look of need flashes across his expression. Pleading eyes stay glued to me, like he’s begging me with his eyes not to disappear. His hands lift and move into my hair as he grips the sides of my head with a controlled firmness, as if he’s grounding and readying himself for whatever is about to come next. I’m so lost to him. In him.
It’s like the rest of the world doesn’t exist outside of this chamber.
“Yo
u’re enough,” I whisper across his mouth, and he winces.
“Nassa.” There a reverence in my name that makes it sound like a prayer.
“I promise you,” I rasp. “You. Are. Enough.”
“You’ll always be protected,” he vows. “I swear it.”
Unable to catch my breath, I try not to focus on what he didn’t say. That he would protect me. With a long, drawn-out sigh, I move closer to his mouth and when my lips touch his, something between us shifts as his lips part and he breathes me in. My lungs fill with his exhaled breaths. My skin becomes fevered as the intensity between us causes electricity to jump in the air around us. We become locked in an invisible pull within a bubble where only he and I exist.
All of a sudden, Gage is everywhere. In my heart, soul, and mind. In every corner of me, our existences swirl around each other, becoming one. Our energies pulse together, pumping and spreading fast through my veins. My fingers curl even more into his soft hair and my core lights on fire. A burning need rises in me. I’ve never wanted to be someone else’s as badly as I want to be his. To experience his reckless passion.
I shut my eyes when his lips barely touch mine.
His kiss is slow, deep, perfect.
Against his lips, I let go and surrender who I am, for him.
Just when I am ready to fall off the edge, we disappear.
16
Inferno Wilderness
NASSA
All I feel is peace as I drift. It’s not a foreign feeling, but this time, I’m not alone. A second heartbeat pulses around me, its beat more wild and frightened than mine. Someone else is breathing heavy, almost panting, as if in pain. And then, heavy emotions hit me. Anger. Sadness. Suddenly, I feel broken. So. Broken. I want to lash out, because everything hurts so much, too much. It’s like a deep, never-ending pain that has settled inside me.
Aching, I snap my eyes open and look around, taking in the darkness surrounding me. Everything is shrouded in black. The trees. The sky. The ground. Even the air has a sickening, dark taste to it. Like snowflakes, embers fall from the vacant sky, twisting and turning, landing on me, the ground, the . . . nothingness. Crawling onto my knees, I brush off the ash residue that has covered my hair and clothes and continue to take in my surroundings. A forest of bare trees circles me, the trees’ bark black as night. It looks as if everything here was on fire at one point, and now, it’s all dead.
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