How can he not see it? How can this be the same man I let kiss me less than 48 hours ago?
‘I’m not. I feel their little bodies tense up beside me when you arrive. They should be running into your arms, not running from you.’
His face is thunder. ‘How dare you try to lecture me on how my children are feeling.’
I open my mouth to snap back, but we’re both stopped with an ear piercing scream. We exchange horrified glances before turning towards the sitting room and running in.
To my absolute terror Lottie’s ignored my instructions and obviously taken the stick and somehow in the commotion caught it on fire. She must have thrown it at the curtains as they’re now ablaze. That’s right, on fucking fire. I am the fire monster.
‘Lottie!’ I shriek, sprinting over to her. Jessica’s trying to drag her away from it.
‘My marshmallow!’ she cries, bursting into tears, obviously completely unaware of the danger she just put herself in. Shit, the danger I put her in by turning my back for a second. I should know better.
Barclay swoops in, takes the curtain rail off the wall, flings it to the floor and stamps on it until the flames are completely put out. He runs, scoops Lottie up as if she weighs nothing than a bag of sugar and sits on the sofa, checking her all over.
‘Are you okay?’ he asks her over and over; his hands trembling.
Jessica cries and clings to me, obviously shaken from the whole experience. I hug her close. Well done Ruby. You’ve fucked it up again.
Lottie finally stops crying. ‘Can I have another marshmallow?’ she asks me with wide innocent eyes.
Barclay glares at me.
‘No, baby,’ I say, smiling through the choking fear still clinging to my neck. ‘I think it best we leave the marshmallows for tonight.’
‘What the hell were you thinking?’ Barclay shouts, placing Lottie carefully on the sofa. ‘She could have suffered third degree burns! Are you completely psycho?’
Jessica cries louder. ‘Daddy, it wasn’t her fault! She was trying to do something nice for us. Please stop shouting at her.’
He grits his teeth. ‘It is my duty to keep you safe. It’s as simple as that.’
‘But Ruby keeps us safe! I don’t want you to shout at her,’ she pleads.
He sighs, running his hands through his hair. ‘This is something I will discuss with Ruby later. Take your sister up and I’ll put you to bed.’
She begrudgingly takes Lottie’s hand and leads her out of the room, leaving us alone.
He glares at me. ‘I’ll see you in my study after I’ve put the girls down.’
I nod. Might as well get it done with as soon as possible.
Chapter 24
Ruby
I wait in his study, pacing the floors. I’m surprised I haven’t worn out these floorboards by now. I swear he’s taking his sweet time just so I sweat it. Sadistic bastard. Just when I think he’s growing a heart he turns and reminds me who he really is.
He’s going to tell me to pack up and leave tonight. I just know it. If he doesn’t give me a chance to say goodbye to them, I’ll scream bloody murder.
Finally, I hear footsteps. Let’s get this shit show on the road. He opens the door and goes straight to sit behind his desk. I’ve come to realise he definitely does it this enforce his power over me. Like I said, sadistic. God, this man infuriates me.
‘Ruby, what you did was reckless. You willingly put my daughters in front of a fire and gave them a fucking stick. I mean, what were you actually thinking?’
I sigh, collapsing into the chair across from him. ‘I was thinking that you were late home, again, and the girls needed a distraction from how much they missed you.’
He raises his eyebrows. ‘And you couldn’t have just stuck on a DVD or something similar? Anything other than fire.’
I sigh. ‘No, I stupidly thought it was a good idea. From what I’ve learnt from children, they love when you give them a bit of responsibility. Especially when it’s something dangerous. I was honest to god watching them every second. You shouting just caught me unawares. It caught us all unaware, which is why she ended up with a fire stick!’
He stands up, so quickly, I jump up and back away. ‘The reason she had a fire stick was because you handed it over to her.’ He creeps towards me, his eye ablaze with rage. ‘You are the reason, Ruby.’
He backs me into the wall, so close now that he’s in my face, smelling amazingly delicious. He places his hands on the wall, either side of my head. ‘You’re the reason my calm household has been turned upside down.’
His troubled brown eyes stare at me, his laboured minty breath touching my face. I’m panting too. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I find his cruel words sexy? It’s his face. His beautiful, glorious, bastard face.
‘What is it about you, Ruby?’ he asks, his voice quieter as he searches over my face, as if expecting to find the answer on a Post It. ‘Why is it you drive me so crazy?’ I can see his genuine confusion over his conflicting feelings.
I look down at his lips. He’s going to kiss me; I just know he is. And I want it. I want those plump lips on mine so bad it hurts my heart. My eyes flutter, so lightheaded I feel I might pass out.
He edges his head closer, his lips already a whisper on mine.
When the door opens.
We jump apart guiltily as Lottie walks in rubbing her eyes.
‘Ruby, I need you to kiss me goodnight,’ she says in the sweetest little gravelly voice.
I smile guiltily back at Barclay before scooping her up.
‘Come on then. I’ll put you back to bed. I missed our goodnight kiss too.’
I walk up the stairs and tuck her in, giving her a kiss on her cheek. ‘Night, baby.’
‘Daddy wasn’t too mad at you, was he?’ she asks, clinging onto bunny.
I push the hair from her face. ‘He was only upset because he loves you and doesn’t want you hurt.’
She holds sleepily onto my face. ‘I’m only hurt if you’re hurt.’
How can a three-year-old be so bloody profound?
Wednesday 18th December
Ruby
I have no idea what’s going on between me and Barclay. How he can seem to despise me one minute and the next be almost kissing me.
Either way I’m still trying to make up for yet another fire incident. They’re gonna call me the pyromaniac. So, I decide to suggest a Christmas inspired activity. Something to take all our minds off it. Mostly to take my mind off Barclay and the weird vibe between us.
‘So, would you girls like to do something Christmassy this weekend?’ I ask as energetically as I can over breakfast.
‘Like what?’ Jessica asks with a shrug. It still makes me sad how she’s not excited about Christmas. Her stupid father is taking all the fun out of everything.
‘Like maybe ice skating?’ I knew to be prepared with ideas. Their lack of imagination still astounds me.
‘Ice skating!’ Lottie shrieks jumping up and down on the spot. ‘Yes! Let’s go ice skating. Can we ask Daddy?’
Jessica smiles at her, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. As if she already knows Daddy won’t be able to make it. How sad to be six years old and already have no faith in your Father.
‘Of course, we can ask Daddy,’ I reply enthusiastically. ‘I know what would get him coming with us. Why don’t we write him letters after school? That way I can give it to him later when he comes in and he’ll see how much it would mean to you both.’
Jessica smiles, her little nose crinkling. ‘That could actually work.’
‘Of course, it will,’ I grin, shaking her jokingly with her arms. ‘It was my idea and I only come up with the best of them.’
Lottie goes running towards their craft corner.
‘After school,’ I remind her. ‘And after yoga.’
‘Can we use sprinkles and glitter?’
I grin. ‘Is the pope a Catholic?’ I snort sarcastically. They stare back at me blankly. Oh, I supp
ose they wouldn’t know that. ‘Of course, we can!’
‘You promise you’ll give him our letters?’ Jessica asks as I tuck her in later that night. Her hope and excitement are addictive. I just bloody hope he can come now.
I nod. ‘Of course, I will. I was hoping he’d be home on time, but he must have to work late.’
‘He always has to work late,’ she says with her eyes fixed on the ceiling.
I push her silky blonde hair back from her forehead. ‘Your daddy works very hard so that you and your sister can have a good life. He does it because he loves you.’
She sighs as if the weight of the world is on her little shoulders.
‘Well, please tell him we’d much prefer him to come home earlier.’
How do you explain to a six year old that they’ve probably got a huge mortgage on this house and he has to work damn hard to keep it? Except I know that’s only part of it. He can’t bear to be around them sometimes, because his love for his girls also hurts him; a constant reminder of his wife.
‘I’ll mention that to him too, then.’ I give her a kiss on her squishy little cheek, taking a cheeky sniff of her beautiful baby lotion scent.
She pulls the cover up to her cheek. ‘Promise?’
‘Of course.’
She beams back at me, her eyes sleepy. ‘You aren’t scared of him, like the other nannies.’
I just smile. That’s because the other nannies didn’t love you like I do, I think to myself.
‘See you later, alligator.’
‘In a while, crocodile,’ she replies through a yawn.
Chapter 25
Ruby
When I walk down the stairs, I find him just walking in, putting his keys on the side table.
‘Oh hi,’ I squeal, sounding a little hyperactive. ‘I have something to give you.’
He smiles back at me, clearly entertained. His eyes are tired yet again, as if getting through the day is taking it out of him.
I rush to the playroom and pick up their letters, still wet and tacky from the glue and glitter. I blow on it desperately as I run back up to he’s pouring himself a whiskey in his study.
I hand them over. I open my mouth to explain when he holds them away from him, horrified.
‘Ugh, these are still wet. And they’re full of glitter. Do you know how much this suit costs?’
I steel my jaw and try to count to ten, but I’m pretty mad. To dismiss their beautiful creations like this… Well it pisses me off.
‘I’ll hold them while you get changed into some tracky bottoms then.’ I stand on one hip to show him I mean business.
He narrows his eyes at me. ‘I think we both know that I don’t own tracksuit bottoms.’
The idea of him lounging around in them amuses me. I don’t think he’d even know how to relax if he tried.
‘Whatever. Your daughters have taken the time and care to write and decorate these fabulous letters. The very least you can do is read them.’
He sighs, rubbing at his eyebrows. ‘Ruby, I’ve just got in the door.’
‘Precisely my point,’ I growl. ‘The girls have no way to communicate with you, seen as you’re always at work. They’ve had to resort to writing a letter.’
‘Excuse me?’ he grunts, his eyebrows raised, as if he really wants to say, ‘I beg your fucking pardon?’
‘You heard me.’ I square my shoulders, ready for a show down. ‘The girls are getting older and they’re starting to notice that you’re not around. Jessica told me tonight that she’d much rather you be around than live in a big, fancy house.’
‘I have to work.’
Bullshit.
‘No, you like to escape to work.’
He rolls his eyes, pushing past me towards the kitchen.
‘Please don’t try and analyse me. I pay you to play with my daughters, not try to fix me while you’re here.’
Play with his daughters? Could he belittle me anymore? Arrogant arsehole.
I follow him, not letting this go.
‘Part of me ‘playing’ with your girls,’ I snarl. ‘Is to talk to them and to look out for their welfare. And they miss their father, they’ve already lost their mother, don’t let them lose you too.’
His nostrils flare with rage he’s trying desperately to keep inside.
‘You’re way out of line,’ he spits through gritted teeth.
I shrug. I can’t hold back my opinions anymore. He needs to hear the hard cold truth.
‘Maybe, but I think it’s very rare that anyone in your life actually tells you the truth.’
‘Oh really?’ he snarls, leaning into me. A normal woman would be scared, but I’m not afraid of him.
‘Yes, really.’
He keeps his glare on me for three whole seconds before releasing some pent up breath.
‘I’m just stressed, Ruby. Jesus, can’t you just leave me alone?’ He stares down into his glass of whiskey.
‘Alright!’ I snap back, palms up, knowing I’ve pushed him enough for tonight.
Calm down, Ruby. Don’t let this man get to you. Try to kill him with kindness.
‘It’s just that...’ I really can’t stop myself. ‘You know, a problem halved and all that.’
He rolls his eyes. ‘Jesus, am I honestly not going to get rid of you until I tell you why I’m stressed?’
I cross my arms over my chest and raise my eyebrows, challenging him.
‘Ugh,’ he shouts, like a moody teenager. ‘Fine, I’m just a little bit fucking sick of my life.’
Well that’s a statement and a half.
‘Have to be a bit more specific there, Barclay boy.’
He raises his eyebrows at my nickname. I just can’t help myself. He’s so easy to wind up.
‘Maybe I’m sick of this whole stuck up society that I live in. Maybe I’m stressed to fuck in a job I don’t enjoy so I can pay my huge mortgage. Maybe I wish my dad would get off my arse occasionally.’
Wow. He really is hassled.
I shrug. ‘So, sell up, move out to the country.’
He raises his eyebrows and scoffs a laugh.
‘Ruby, don’t be ridiculous. It’s not that easy in the real world.’
Why must he always treat me like some fanciful fairy that lives in woods made out of make believe?
‘Are you implying that I don’t live in the real world?’ I challenge, daring him to confirm it. With the way I’m feeling right now I’d stab him with a glitter pen.
He sighs heavily. ‘What I mean, is that I have commitments here. My mother and father are here. I grew up here. The family business is here.’
‘Hang on. Didn’t you just say that you don’t enjoy your job?’
He drags his hand through his hair. ‘That doesn’t mean I want to quit.’
Oh, what a complicated man he is.
‘Why not?’
‘Because I’m just being a brat,’ he admits, his shoulders slouched. ‘The truth is that I do love my job, well, I do when I don’t have my father breathing down my neck.’
‘So, your dad owns the company?’
‘Exactly.’ He nods. ‘He keeps pressurising me to start taking the reins of it. Wants to retire soon so I can be the big boss.’
Being your own boss of a company actually sounds pretty good.
‘Surely when you’re your own boss you won’t have him stressing you out?’
He shakes his head. ‘Wrong. He’ll still chair on the board. Everything will still have to go through him. All of the fun from event planning will disappear and be replaced with budgets and schmoozing clients.’
I grin. He must hate having to be nice to people as a job.
‘Well that’s a shocker. You not being good at schmoozing clients. You seem such a charmer.’ I can’t help but throw my head back and chuckle.
‘Ha ha,’ he deadpans, the hint of a smile on his lips. ‘Yes, I hate talking crap with clients. And it’s not even clients, its big CEO’s of companies. Not the actual people organising th
e event.’
I suppose now I actually listen to him it does sound a bit shit. My parents were always supportive of whatever I wanted to do. Back then I had a list that included astronaut, nurse, rockstar and ballerina. Never once did they make me feel like I couldn’t achieve any dream I had.
‘So, can’t you just tell him you like your job the way it is and don’t want to take over?’
He looks at me with raised eyebrows, as if I’m mental.
‘No Ruby. I can’t just turn my father down. I either make partner or I’ll have to leave, and then he’ll probably never speak to me again.’
Jesus, what kind of father would do that? I’m starting to understand him a bit more now if he was raised by a man like that.
‘Surely he wouldn’t sever your entire relationship over a business?’
He chuckles. ‘It’s very apparent you haven’t met my father.’
Apparently, I never want to either.
I chew on my lip. ‘Could you not talk to your mum?’ She seems lovely and reasonable.
‘Please, Ruby,’ he says stopping me with the palm of his hand. ‘I don’t want to involve her. I shouldn’t have even told you any of this.’
‘Hey, it’s good to unload sometimes.’ I touch his arm before I think it through. ‘Even if there isn’t a solution to the problem.’
He smiles but his troubles are weighing him down.
‘Thanks, Ruby. It has helped to say it all out loud. I’m off to bed.’
Dammit, he made me forget about the letters.
‘Oh, but wait. The girls want you to come ice skating with us on Saturday. Hence the letters.’
His face drops and his eyes darken. Shit, does he have a phobia of ice skating or something? This guy gets weirder by the second.
‘Can’t they do something else?’ he asks with a frown, choosing instead to look at the floor, as if needing time to compose himself.
‘Ice skating is perfectly safe and besides, they chose it.’ I square my shoulders, tired of his moods. ‘Can you come or not?’
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