His thumbs tuck into the sides of my knickers, thankfully not the huge granny kind, and pulls them off. He dips one finger inside me. It’s embarrassing how wet I am.
‘Jesus, Ruby, you’re soaking,’ he gasps with surprise.
I grimace. ‘Please just shut up and give it to me.’
He sits back for a second. Oops, have I scared him by being too eager? The heat disappearing is enough to make me cry out.
‘I don’t have a condom,’ he admits, his face fallen.
It actually turns me on more that he’s not walking around with a condom, expecting to get lucky any second. Except I don’t have one either. You’re not usually caught out doing the dirty in this job.
‘Me either,’ I admit on a pained growl.
He kisses me on the lips, this time softly, bringing this to an end.
The thought of this stopping, of not feeling him inside of me, well it has me feeling stupid things. Stupid, reckless thoughts that no sensible woman would ever consider.
‘Oh, fuck it. Do it anyway.’ I don’t even recognise my own husky voice or its careless instructions.
‘Are you sure?’ he asks, joining a second finger inside me. Jesus. I never noticed how long his fingers are. How is anyone supposed to think rationally when just the man’s fingers have me feeling this giddy?
‘I mean, you’re clean, right?’ I ask, embarrassed, but wanting the reassurance.
He nods. ‘I’ve only ever slept with... one woman.’
It’s clear he was about to say his wife’s name. I’m glad he didn’t. It might have broken the spell he has me under.
‘Okay, well I’ve only ever done it with a condom. Plus, I’m on the pill,’ I explain quickly, thrusting my hips up, so I can get some much needed friction from his fingers.
His eyebrows raise. Oh God, that makes me sound like a slut. No one likes a slutty nanny.
‘Just for my periods, that kind of thing,’ I add quickly.
Oh Jesus, why am I talking about menstruation? A sure fire way to get rid of his erection.
‘If you’re sure,’ he whispers in my ear, already nudging at my entrance.
I’ve never wanted another dick like this in my life. Not that there’s been lots. Only two other men. I spread my legs wider, welcoming him in. I lick my lips, just the anticipation enough to kill me.
He thrusts inside me furiously, all the way to the hilt. I can’t help but cry out. Shit, it feels like he’s going to come up my throat any minute. The man is ridiculously large, and he’s given me no chance to acclimatise to him. Bastard that he is.
Then he reminds me that he can be so sweet sometimes and kisses my neck, stroking my hair back off my face and maintaining eye contact. It’s the longest he’s ever looked at me, which is weird considering the guy is inside me. Those brown eyes are just hypnotising.
He makes me feel cherished, staring into my eyes as if I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. It’s hard knowing his heart actually belongs to his wife and is only on loan to me tonight. It crushes my spirit a little, but I keep reprimanding my own thoughts, concentrating on the pleasure zinging up my spine and back again all the way to the tips of my toes.
A pressure starts building up from the bottom of my stomach, warming me from the inside out. The tension builds until I feel like I might explode. I almost ask him to stop. That’s if I could speak at all between the relentless thrusts. That is until I do actually explode all around him, my eyes rolling to the back of my head. Oh my god.
I lay panting; my hair a mess, stunned by the amazing sex I just experienced with my boss. How can one man be such an amazing lover? How can he have only slept with one person? I push the intrusive thought from my mind. He won’t have lied to you.
He rolls to his side, pushing my hair out of my face.
‘You’re so beautiful.’
I roll onto my side, so we’re face to face. ‘You’re not so bad yourself.’
I don’t think I could be any happier than right now in this moment, him looking at me with that softness in his eyes.
He kisses the end of my nose. I’m just about to snuggle into him when he stretches and sits up, reaching for his shirt.
What the hell is he doing?
He’s putting his shirt on. He’s... leaving?
‘Are you not staying?’ I ask like a clingy little bitch. But hell, the man was just inside me two seconds ago. Is it too much to ask for a little snuggle?
He stands, putting on his boxer shorts.
‘I don’t want the girls to find me here in the morning.’
‘Oh. Of course.’ I can’t keep the disappointment from my voice.
That’s understandable, I suppose. Of course, that would be inappropriate. He’s only thinking of the girls. But come on, a little bit of pillow talk isn’t too much to ask, right? I bunch the cover up around my boobs, suddenly feeling self-conscious.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’ He takes my chin, kisses me briefly and then leaves without a second thought.
And I can’t shake the sensation I’ve just been used.
Chapter 32
Sunday 22nd December
Barclay
I can’t believe I did that. Slept with Ruby. What the hell was I thinking? I totally abused my power of being her employer. I’m pretty sure she could sue me for what we did. But... God, just looking into those pale green eyes; it was like they hypnotised me into just thinking about myself. Not my girls. About what I wanted in that moment. For once what I just wanted.
And it felt wonderful to be selfish, while it lasted at least. The minute it was over, and I was lying next to her every intrusive thought I’d been holding back came jumping to the forefront.
Had I just cheated on my wife? Why was I sleeping with my kids’ nanny? The nanny I had in fact fired and knew was leaving in a matter of days.
Maybe that’s why. Because I know she isn’t staying. That it can’t last.
Then I started comparing her to Claire. Every time we made love came rushing to the forefront of my mind. I had to run. I wasn’t ready.
I escaped out of the house early this morning and went to work out at the gym. I didn’t even want to shower after, instead wanting the sweet smell of her to stay clinging to me. I grabbed breakfast and went to the event to help set up. Something I never normally do, but I had time to burn and I couldn’t even consider facing Ruby. Especially if she’s hurt, knowing I did that to her. She doesn’t deserve that. She trusted me and I left her all alone after she gave herself over to me.
All I know is that the more alcohol I drink the less I think and that’s exactly where I want to be right now. If I don’t think I don’t have the crushing guilt weighing heavily on my heart. That’s how I’ve found myself drunk during a client’s Christmas do we’ve organised. Drunk by 10 p.m. What a lame arse.
I never normally let myself get drunk, let alone at a work event, but it’s been the only way to cope with the onslaught of emotions Ruby brings out of me. One minute I want to throttle her, the next I want to kiss her; to protect her, to get her to stay. But I can’t and I know that I shouldn’t. I can‘t promise her anything and it wouldn’t be fair to her or the girls to pretend like I can.
‘You’re totally smashed,’ Queenie says, helping me into the house a few hours later. I’ve tried to tell her I was fine, but she won’t listen.
‘I’m perfectly fwine,’ I chuckle, tripping over my own foot.
Okay, maybe I am a bit plastered.
‘Come on. Let me help you to bed.’
I chuckle. ‘Oi, oi, matron.’
She helps me up all the stairs and into my bedroom. It’s not easy with me falling down every few steps. I keep telling her to shush, so we don’t wake the girls up. Or worse, Ruby. God, my delicious Ruby, probably fast asleep downstairs. Her freckles. I really love her freckles.
She throws me on the bed, just as the room starts to spin.
‘Ugh, I feel sick,’ I announce before my eyes, heavy and weary, close on t
heir own accord.
Monday 23rd December
Ruby
The good news is, that by realising Barclay is in fact a lying, selfish playboy bastard it’s made me leaving far easier. That’s the conclusion I came to after crying all night and berating myself for being such an idiot, ruled by my stupid emotions.
I’ve decided to accept the job in the South of France. I feel awful for abandoning the girls, but I can’t stay here now. Any clinging to the hope that Barclay would ask me to stay have been trodden on.
Every time I even think of Saturday night, I feel dirty. He used me, just because I was convenient and for that I will hate him forever. Using my kind nature and my weakness towards him; the wanker.
This will be better for the girls in the long run. It’ll be awful for them to have to survive around our toxic atmosphere. I’m sure they can already sense something is wrong, despite him sneaking out early and staying out all night. The coward.
I’m ringing the agency as soon as the girls are at school. I just hope that job is still available.
I yawn, dragging myself up to the girl’s bedroom first thing. I can’t wait for them to break up for the Christmas holidays today. Although what kind of school breaks up on a Monday? Bloody ridiculous if you ask me.
Still, I’m excited for not getting up this ridiculously early for a while, although it’s just another reminder that my days with the girls are numbered.
My foot hits the last creaky floorboard on the landing when footsteps creep down from Barclay’s level. I quickly crack a smile, ready to greet him in a professional manner. The first time I’ve seen him since we had sex the other night. I plan on acting unbothered by him running away. I’m embarrassed to admit I put on a bit more make up this morning. I just want to feel my best while having to deal with him.
Only the foot that steps into view is a woman’s.
I look up to see Queenie, his slutty work colleague creeping out, still in her evening gown, clutching her high heels. My jaw hits the floor, my stomach in my knickers.
She spots me and quickly tries to dart back up, but it’s too late. We’ve seen each other. She cringes, having clearly been caught out.
‘Sorry,’ she says, wincing. ‘I was trying to creep out before the girls woke up.’
I can’t speak. Words literally escape me right now. He slept with Queenie? The very night after me? There was me thinking he was sweet for not carrying around condoms, but it was clearly because he had just run out! Or maybe once he slept with me, he couldn’t wait to get back on the horse.
‘Oh... yeah... yeah...’ I stutter, my tongue flopping around uselessly in my mouth.
Nice one, Ruby. Show her how stupid you are by your lack of putting a whole sentence together.
You should be asking her what you’re thinking. Did you just sleep with Barclay? Have you been sleeping with Barclay? For how long? Did he bullshit when he told me he’d only slept with one other person? Or did he mean since his wife had passed? Or was I just a practise run so that he could end up banging you? Someone he really sees a future with? Someone from his world.
‘Anyway, thanks for being so discreet.’ She sidles past me and trots down the stairs. Trots because she’s still a horse.
I can’t move. I look up towards his room, my heart shattering into a million pieces. Why must I be such a fool? Did I really think for a second that I’d ever be more than a plaything for a man like Barclay? Rich and powerful men like him don’t go for women like me. Maybe they sleep with us for a quick bunk up. But they date and eventually marry women like Queenie.
I’ve been such a bloody fool. I’ve never felt so stupid or inconsequential. It seems despite my pep talk in the mirror this morning I’ve still been clinging onto a fragment of hope. I watch too many damn Disney films.
Lottie comes out of her room rubbing her eyes.
‘Ruby?’ she asks, with her adorable husky morning voice.
I lift her up, needing a cuddle right now.
‘Morning, sweetheart.’ I quickly wipe away the tears falling down my cheeks. ‘Let’s go wake up your sister.’
I go into nanny mode, on complete auto pilot while my heart breaks piece by piece inside my chest, each jagged edge turning around to stab me again. I’m surprised I’m able to continue breathing while enduring so much pain. My mum dying of a broken heart suddenly makes so much more sense.
I get the girls up and go feed them breakfast. Halfway through their porridge Barclay comes running into the kitchen, still doing up his shirt buttons.
‘Jesus, why didn’t anyone wake me?’ he asks, grabbing a slice of my toast. The bastard.
I’m not his personal assistant. I don’t have to answer to him.
‘Sorry, Mr Rothchester,’ Marge apologises, looking flustered. ‘I didn’t realise you wanted to be woken today.’
‘No, it’s fine,’ he dismisses quickly, still not even looking at me. ‘It’s my fault I slept in.’
She’s already running around putting coffee into a travel mug.
‘Must have been one hell of a night,’ I can’t help but comment bitchily, not able to look him in his beautiful bastard face. I know if I do, I’ll break. Either that or try to stab him with the butter knife.
I notice him frown in my peripheral vision. Probably wondering how I knew that. I know everything you dirty, lying prick.
‘I’ve got to run. Have a good day girls.’
He smiles at me. I look away. I’ll let his bit of stuff fill him in at work.
Chapter 33
Barclay
Waking up still fully clothed was a relief. Thank God I hadn’t done something with Queenie.
I’m hungover to fuck, but the worst feeling of all? Seeing Ruby this morning. Seeing how cold she was towards me. I can normally always count on her for a smile, but she only made a weird comment about it being a wild kind of night. Nothing about how I had sex with her and then ran a mile. God, just remembering how vulnerable she looked as I left her lying in that bed. I’m such a bastard.
‘Knock knock!’ My mother sings, walking into my office. Ugh, just what I need.
‘You know saying knock knock doesn’t give you the right to just barge in,’ I bark at her.
She smiles. ‘Oh Barclay, are you especially moody this morning, darling?’
I sigh, rubbing at my sore eyes. ‘You could say that.’
She perches herself on the edge of my desk. ‘What is it darling?’
I sigh. ‘Nothing, Mum, it’s fine.’
She smiles knowingly at me. ‘It’s that nanny, Ruby, isn’t it?’
Shit, how the hell does she know that?
‘What makes you think that?’ I ask carefully, swallowing down the lump of guilt in my throat. I feel bad enough, I don’t want to be berated by my mother.
She shakes her head. ‘Honestly, Barclay, you really think I don’t know you, don’t you?’
Well yeah, my nanny raised me. Mum was always too busy helping my father advance his career.
‘The minute she came on the scene I could tell she was different. That you were affected by her.’
I roll my eyes. ‘You got that from my whinging did you?’
‘You might think that I wasn’t all that present while you were younger, but I still know my baby boy. I’m around now. Why don’t you tell me what you’ve done wrong?’
I scoff. ‘Why is it you assume I’m the one to have done something wrong?’
She grins. ‘Because I’ve met Ruby. I know how special she is. Tell me, have you fallen in love with her?’
‘Mum!’ I’m aware I sound like a moody teenage boy, but I don’t want to discuss my love life with my mother.
‘Barclay Rothchester,’ she snaps sternly, her eyes now hard. She’s not going to give in. ‘Stop being such a pig headed man and tell me the truth.’
‘Ugh.’ I throw my head onto the table. I need at least four coffees before I can have this conversation.
‘Fuck, I don’t know.’
&nb
sp; ‘You don’t know if you love her?’ she asks, one eyebrow raised.
God, love? I haven’t even considered that.
‘I don’t know if it’s possible for me to love anyone anymore,’ I admit. ‘Not after Claire.’ It actually feels good to voice it out loud.
‘Darling.’ She walks round the desk and takes my hands in hers. ‘It is possible to love more than one person at a time, you know.’
I roll my eyes. ‘Really, mother.’
What the hell does she know? She just wants me married off again, so she doesn’t have to worry
‘Yes, really. You know.’ She pauses, considering if she’s going to tell me. ‘Before I married your father, I was in love with a boy that grew up down the road from me.’
Shit. I just assumed Dad had been her first love.
‘I would have married him too, if he’d have asked me, but he decided to take a job in America. Then shortly after I met your father.’
Wow, Dad was second best. I wonder if he knows. Is that why he’s such a miserable bastard?
‘I still think of him now. If I’m brutally honest with myself, I don’t think I’ve ever stopped loving him.’
‘Jesus, Mother!’ I don’t want to hear this; that she doesn’t love my dad.
‘But,’ she interrupts, ‘I also love your father. Even if he can be an incredible shit sometimes. Which is how I know it’s possible to love two people.’
I suppose she does have a point. But how could I ever let myself love Ruby? How could I let her be second best? It’s not fair to her. She deserves to be someone’s entire universe.
‘Darling, don’t let your love for Claire stop your love for Ruby. She’d want you to be happy, you know that.’
I know she would. She was the kindest woman on the planet, which is why it hurt all the more when she was taken from me.
Who knew? My mother has actually given me something to think about.
‘Thanks Mum. You’ve actually helped.’
Once Upon a Wish-Mas Page 18