Arrow of Time (Marauders)

by Andersson, Lina

  That was another way Mac and Mitch were different. Mitch had a new girl every week, or at least every month. If Mac brought home a girl, it was more serious. It hadn't actually happened that many times. At least they both seemed to be over their crushes on Edie.

  With a sigh she looked down at the menu in her hand and then reached for the phone. She had no idea why she bothered with these menus, they all always ordered the same thing anyway.

  -o0o-

  Thursday, October 4th

  I WAS LYING NEXT to Sabine in the twin hammock on the front porch. She'd put a rope in the roof and was pulling it to get the hammock to swing.

  I'd met her almost five years ago at the marketplace not far from the house she was still living in. She was seven years older than me, from Germany, and had lived in Calangute since she was twenty and knew everyone that was worth knowing in the area. I'd asked her why she thought I was worth the trouble and apparently I hadn't had the 'tourist look,' and that was enough for her.

  She'd been one of those friends I've made that I'd visited more than once. When I broke up with a guy in Japan, the one who did my tattoo, she'd been my first stop. Same when I left a guy behind in Brazil for being an ass. It felt natural to go to her this time when I needed to heal my broken heart. We'd talked about him a lot. Dawg. It was always easier to talk to someone who was completely outside the entire situation.

  It was Vasco and Dawg, both of those things that hurt. Long nights of smoking and talking had helped. Sabine warned me, though, that the fact that I was away from Dawg made it easier at the moment, and I should be prepared for it to hurt again when I saw him. I knew that. But as she pointed out a million times, there was a huge difference between knowing that something would hurt and actually experiencing the pain.

  Still, I couldn't hold it off any longer. So I was leaving in four days. That's why we were in the hammock, rocking slowly while smoking the last of Sabine's prime pot.

  “So what's the plan?” Sabine asked, with the German accent I loved.

  “Is generally avoiding him a plan?” I asked and handed her the joint.

  “Could be. Don't think it's a good long time plan.”

  “I was just thinking for it as an 'until I can think about him without losing my breath' plan.”

  “Do that, but just be prepared to face him. He might not be prepared to follow that plan.”

  “I think he would've stayed in my bed if he wanted to see me again.”

  “Honey, we've been through this, men don't think all that much. They follow their gut and quite often realize that it was a mistake to do so.”

  I sighed and closed my eyes. I was still gonna try to avoid him for as long as possible.

  -o0o-

  Friday, October 11th

  EDIE WAS BACK. DAWG knew she was, since her truck hadn’t been in the compound when he got to work three days earlier, but that wasn't the only reason he knew. The day before, Eliza had been to the compound, and she quickly informed him that Edie was back and they were going to have a girls' night soon.

  He hadn’t seen her, though, and no one besides Eliza had mentioned her. Mel was still avoiding him, and after getting the full story, he got why, so he didn’t hold that against her. Hell, he kinda wished he could avoid himself, too. On the good days he defended himself with the fact that he couldn't have known. On the bad days he knew that no matter her backstory, you didn't leave a girl in bed the way he'd done.

  Things all around were shit at the moment. The cartel wasn't happy about the local bombing—as if fucking anyone was—and there was going to be a big meet with all clubs involved in their pipeline some time after Christmas. He wasn't all that eager for that meet; it was going to be a screaming party. They needed to get some solid intel and leads on the bombing before as soon as possible.

  After work he went to his place. He hadn’t spent much time there until recently. It was easier, got him away from the clubhouse. He still loved his brothers and the club, he just needed to figure shit out. What the fuck he had been doing the past months. What he wanted with Edie. He tried to come up with what the best case scenario would be, and he had no fucking clue. He wanted her, but he didn’t want to hurt her, and he was shit with women, he knew that. He'd just proven that once again. But it didn't change the fact that he wanted her, and in his head the best case scenario still was that she'd forgive him. Worst case scenario, she'd never talk to him again. The mere thought of that made him feel like throwing up.

  The next day he had a beer with Wolf when Edie walked inside. They both froze and stared at each other. Her dreads were gone. Her hair was in a short, cute cut that made her look younger and... different, but in a good way. Then she turned her eyes from him, refused to look at him, and walked further inside. She didn’t miss a beat in her steps and walked past him into Brick’s room. She came out two minutes later and walked right past him again.

  “Wanna fill me in?” Wolf said when the door closed behind her.

  Mech turned around and looked at him with huge interest as well.

  “I fucked up.”

  “Yeah, I got that part, more wondering how you fucked up?”

  “I... I don’t know. In a lot of ways. Probably more ways than I get.”

  Mech nodded with a smile. “Probably. Not your strong suit, understanding women.”

  Not his strong suit at all. The biggest proof being that he wasn’t sure exactly where he fucked up from her perspective. If it was leaving, having sex with her or getting close to her in the first place. Or just an awesome combination of all of those things.

  “Nope,” he agreed. “Not all of us marry our high school sweetheart.”

  Mech just laughed. He still loved his Old Lady. As far as Dawg knew, he'd never, not once regretted tying himself to her before he could legally drink alcohol.

  “So how are you gonna unfuck it?” Wolf asked. “If that's what you want.”

  “Think you need to understand women to unfuck things.”

  “Not really. Begging works to a certain point,” Mech said with a big smile. “General sucking up, telling them you're sorry about a million times is also good stuff.”

  Even bigger smile from Wolf who apparently had decided to help Mech with the list. “And then there's talking. Women fucking love talking.”

  “That what you did?” He asked.

  “Nope. Hence the many divorces,” Wolf retorted. “None of them were worth it.”

  Dawg sighed and got up before he remembered she was probably still out there and sat down again.

  “Gonna give her a few minutes to get away,” he explained when the two of them stared at him.

  Wolf shook his head. “Given your sad fucking face, I'd say you should go for the begging. Some serious ‘please forgive me I'm not worthy to even breathe in you presence’ begging.”

  “I'm going out there,” Mech laughed. “I'll let you know when the coast is clear.”

  “Thanks.”

  Dawg might not be above begging, but he'd promised to stay away from Edie. Even if he could see the logic in that, after seeing her for a few seconds, he already regretted it.

  -o0o-

  Once I got out of the clubhouse and Dawg’s eyeshot, I leaned against the wall with my eyes shut, just trying to breathe. When it didn't help, I sat down and held my head between my knees, still just trying to breathe. I had no idea how long I'd been sitting there when I heard someone scooting down next to me.

  “Hey, darlin’. You okay?”

  I looked up and saw Mech sitting next to me.

  “If I say yes, would you believe me?”

  “No,” he smiled.

  I’d never really talked to Mech; he was one of the more quiet guys, so he wasn’t that noticeable. What little we’d talked, he seemed okay. What I did know was that word traveled fast in the club, so he probably knew most of what had happened. Or at least had a pretty good idea, so there was no need to lie about it. I didn’t have the energy to do it, either.

  �
�Dawg was in there. I just need a moment.”

  “I know.”

  “I should probably leave, just in case he comes out.”

  Mech pulled me up, then put his arm around my waist and walked me towards the tables. He sat me down and then handed me a smoke. For once, I took it. It couldn't make it worse.

  “He won’t come out.”

  He seemed very certain about it, so I assumed he'd come out here just to make sure I was gone before Dawg came out, and I relaxed. Brick had told me that Dawg had promised to stay away, and that it was up to me if I wanted to talk to him. Considering how just seeing him made me react like I had, I didn't see that as something that would happen anytime soon. I turned to Mech and decided that his love life was a lot more interesting than mine at the moment.

  “How did you meet Lynn?”

  He smiled. “She was my high school sweetheart. Hooked up when I was 17 and she was 16.”

  I smiled “That’s really sweet.” Then I looked at him. “Or?”

  “Chicks seems to think so. I don’t know. She drives me insane sometimes, but I love her. She’s my girl. And she gave me Stella and Dennis. Best kids ever.”

  “They are good.” They were around the clubhouse now and then, and they were nice kids. Really nice with the younger kids as well. I liked Lynn, too. “You’re a lucky guy.”

  “I know,” he nodded. “Really fucking lucky. How was the trip?”

  “Good. Met some friends in Goa. Just... hanging. It was nice. Relaxing.”

  “Cut off those dreads.”

  I laughed. He said it with the strangest voice and I couldn't decide what it meant. Mostly it sounded like he couldn't decide if it was a good or a bad thing.

  “Yeah. Had a monsoon incident that involved a lot of sand. It was better to just cut it off.”

  It had happened before, though, so I knew it could've been saved. But it felt like I was done with them, so Sabine helped me to cut them off and turned what was left into an acceptable haircut.

  We sat in silence for a while, and finally Mace spoke up again. “He’s not gonna bother you.”

  “I know. Brick told me.”

  So much for avoiding that topic, and my brain immediately started to analyze the situation again. I wasn’t sure if that was the best or the worst solution, simply since I didn’t think I’d muster up the courage to ever talk to him. I felt so stupid, for so many reasons. That I’d thrown myself at him, that I’d somewhere in the middle of the fucking thought it was more than a pity fuck, that I’d been so stupid, and most of all that I was surprised that he was gone the morning after.

  Mech wasn’t finished though.

  “And I know I’m a mushy romantic, but he’s sorry.”

  I didn’t answer that, just looked towards the gates to the lot, and then my eyes traced the fence surrounding it all. I didn’t want to hear that, I didn’t want to know that. I think I even would've preferred to hear that he didn't give a shit.

  “Okay,” he said, leaned over and gave my cheek a kiss. “I’ll stay out of it. Drive safely.”

  I got back to my truck and went home. I cried myself to sleep that night.

  CHAPTER TEN:

  Did you say sorry?

  -o0o-

  Saturday, November 11th

  I HAD THE LATE shift, and it was one of those days when it would’ve been a lot fucking easier if I could've just stayed in bed. In all honesty, quite a few of the days since I got back a month earlier had felt that way, but today every customer added to the feeling by being an ass, and no one tipped a single damn cent. At least that’s how it felt. No matter how much they tipped, it didn’t cover the fact that they pinched my ass. I had a bruise the size of a golf ball on my butt cheek.

  Only positive thing was that it was my turn to choose music for the cleaning that night, and I needed anger and something totally non-romantic. So Rage Against the Machine seemed like a good choice. I quickly realized that it was hard to sing along to but very good to speed up the cleaning.

  The past month had been horrid, and things weren't looking up. In fact, nothing had. But that night I didn’t cry myself to sleep. I was too pissed, but it had been a while since I didn't do that. I just felt like shit, and every night when I had the late shift I tended to look towards that table where Vasco used to sit and wait for me. The empty space seemed to scream at me. And with Dawg out of my life as well, I wasn't sure who to talk to.

  The really positive thing in my life came skipping into my apartment the day after in the form of my niece.

  “Edie!” she yelled, “It’s been sooo long since we had a girls' night.”

  It was kind of funny how quickly kids got over things. Or more how differently they missed things. Eliza talked about Vasco, but she wasn’t sad when she did, not anymore. She talked about all the funny things about him, and it was nice to hear. On the other hand, two months probably felt a lot longer to her than it did to me. I was looking forward to spending the night eating pink cupcakes and watching a kids’ movie.

  “I wanna see 'Beauty and the Beast' again,” she said as she leaped onto the couch. “Is Dawg coming too?”

  Yeah, okay, all of a sudden I wasn’t feeling all that good anymore. Her big blue eyes were studying me while I was trying to find oxygen in the air surrounding me.

  “No, honey. He’s not.”

  “Can you call him and ask?”

  “He’s... he can’t make it. It was some club stuff.” I looked up and noticed Brick looking at me.

  “She’s right, baby girl,” he said and leaned over the backrest to give Eliza a kiss. “There was something I needed him to do.”

  She frowned, but seemed to accept it. The club kids all had learned early on to accept club stuff as unavoidable. I followed Brick to the door, and when he turned and looked at me with a concerned face I gave him a big hug.

  “Thank you.”

  “No problem, honey. Didn’t know he used to be with you for girls' night that often.”

  “No. Just once, and it’s not what you think.”

  In all honesty I wasn't sure what I meant with that comment anymore. But Brick being Brick, he just smiled and gave my forehead a kiss.

  “If you say so, girl.” He stroke my cheek. “Take care of my baby girl.”

  “You know I will.”

  “I do. Call if there's anything, and your sister wants you to come to our house for Sunday dinner tomorrow.”

  If Lanie was set on things like that, she wouldn't give in and there was no way Brick would let me off the hook either, so I agreed and he was off. Then I sat down for the torture of watching 'Beauty and the Beast' with Eliza. And it was painful. Extremely fucking painful. I even got all sobby when Gaston was in frame, how fucked up was that? And Eliza wasn't any help at all when she talked about us being Dawg’s girls and that she wished he was here with us.

  When she fell asleep I carried her into my bed, and I sat down on my couch and cried. Again. I was starting to think that the zombie version of me with no feeling was a lot better that this sobbing mess.

  -o0o-

  Brick knocked on the door to Edie’s place, and when she opened he could she was a mess. Her eyes were red and puffy. He didn't comment on it, just gave her cheek a kiss and walked inside. He knew what it was about, the look on her face when Eliza asked if Edie could call Dawg had been more than a hint.

  “Sweetheart, can you watch a movie by yourself awhile? I need to talk to Aunt Edie.”

  “Okay,” Eliza said and sat down.

  He took Edie into her bedroom.

  “How are you really doing, girl?”

  “I’m not sure. I think there’s just a lot of shit that’s coming back.” She sat down on the bed, and he sat down next to her. “I'll be fine.”

  She looked uncomfortable, and Mel had been going on about Edie not wanting to talk to her either, so he wondered who she was talking to, if anyone. That was one of the things he worried about. That with Vasco gone, she didn’t have anyone to turn to.<
br />
  “Baby, you need to talk to someone. I’m not saying it has to be me or your sister, but you need to get that shit out, like you did with Vasco.”

  “I’m not doing the shrink thing again.”

  He knew Edie had hated every shrink she'd ever been to. “I know, and that’s not what I’m saying.”

  “I’ll think about it, okay?”

  “Think fast.” He gave her a hug. “A lot of people who care about you, girl, so you need to let us help you.”

  “Okay.”

  He figured she needed some time, so he cancelled dinner and told her to rest. She looked relieved. When he got home he watched Eliza run off to find one of her brothers, and he sat down with Mel in the kitchen.

  “Did they have a good time?”

  “First thing Eliza asked yesterday was if Dawg was coming.” Mel turned around and stared at him. “Did you know how close they were? Dawg and her.”

  “I had a hunch.”

  “And you didn’t tell me because?”

  “Because you told me to mind my own business and butt out of whatever they were doing.” He had to give that one to her. “And look how good that turned out.”

  “Do you know what happened?”

  “No. You know she’s not talking to me about it.”

  “Then stop making fucking assumptions!”

  She flinched as if he’d hit her. He didn’t raise his voice to her all that often, but he was fed up with her glaring at Dawg like it was all his fault, or making snide fucking remarks about him. They didn't know shit, and as far as he could tell, both Edie and Dawg were a mess.

  “You don’t know shit,” he continued, “So leave it.”

  “Fine!”

  He knew that ‘fine.’ It was another one of those female ‘fine’ that meant he was in the doghouse. That kind of 'fine' that meant 'I'm gonna shut up now, but I might stab you in your sleep'. But when she was like this it was better to leave her a while and then talk when she’d calmed down. He needed her to see that her attitude was what stopped Edie from talking to her, and Edie needed someone to talk to. He also needed her to understand that what she was doing now was not a way to make up for the fact that she left Edie with their dad. What happened wasn’t her fault and being pissed at anyone and everyone that hurt Edie in any way wasn't gonna make up for it. Edie needed a friend, not a mother or a bodyguard.