by JA Huss
“Wanna go to bed now?”
It’s a change of subject. No, it’s more than a change of subject. It’s denial and escape and salvation all rolled into one five-word sentence. “Sure,” I say with a smile. “What good does it do to dwell on what you can’t change?”
He stands, scoops me into his arms, and carries me towards Ark’s bedroom. “Darling, no truer words have ever been said.”
He lays me down on the bed. Gently, like he might do for Marie. And then the tears are there and I roll over and bury my face in the pillow.
“Shhh,” he says, sliding in next to me. “Let’s not do this, Blue.” He whispers the words. They are soft and calming. His fingers lift my shirt up, and I let him take it off. I push down my borrowed boxers without being encouraged.
“Make me forget, JD. Make me forget what they did.” I turn on my side so I can see him, and I cup his face in my hands. His face is smooth now that he’s shaved, and it feels so good. It feels like strength. It feels like protection. It feels like forgiveness. For all of my sins. “Make me forget and I’ll make you forget too.”
He smiles, a genuine JD smile, and I melt. He wraps me up in his arms and pulls me close, so we are face to face. And then he touches his lips to mine and shakes his head as he pulls back. “I can’t forget, Blue. That’s my problem. If you know how to make that happen, tell me.” His blue eyes search mine. “Tell me how you forget, because I’ve never learned that skill. I never stop thinking about her. Never. I see her face in everyone. Even you. That’s why I took you home, Blue. Every girl who sucks my dick on camera, in my mind they are all my girl. The one I lost. That’s why I do it. That’s the only reason I do it. I haven’t had a girlfriend in four years. I haven’t asked a girl out on a date in four years. All I have left are the ghosts of her. I live my life every day with the hope that I can get a glimpse of her in a girl on her knees in front of me. I’m sick, man. I want to be the one who can take away whatever it is you’re feeling, but the truth is, I’m a mess.”
I stare at him for a moment. I want to choose the right words. I want to make him better. I want to save him the way he saved me. “I’m very new at this coping stuff, JD. I’m just a baby at it. But you take it away for me just by being here. And Ark does the same thing. And that’s why I want you. That’s why I need you. So maybe—when you look at me tonight—you can see me instead of her? Maybe that will help?”
He presses my palm into his cheek. The freshness of his skin grounds me again. “You’re so beautiful. Your eyes are like the water you see in those pictures of paradise. A color that can’t be described because a word for it can’t do it justice. And your hair is gold, like the sun. You’re my paradise, Blue. You and Ark are all I have left.”
“I’m yours, JD. If you want me, I’m yours.”
“No, Blue,” he whispers back. “You’re ours.”
And then he pushes me back onto the bed and gets up on his knees. He grips my thighs and opens them up so he can position himself between my legs. His cock is so hard it stands up, like it’s reaching for his belly. The tip is glistening and my pussy throbs with anticipation. As soon as he enters me, he places his hand on my throat, lightly squeezing. His thumb is on my pulsing artery, his fingers along the other side of my jaw.
He thrusts inside me, pressing against the aching throb in my neck, filling me up and making me cry out with my last breath.
I see stars. I see heaven. I see every good thing I ever forgot. I feel the pain mixed with the pleasure. And his hard body—muscled and sweaty from confessions, and lust, and need—weighs me down. My throat stops drawing in air and my chest stops rising. And in that same moment the darkness takes over.
In that same moment… we come.
Ray is nowhere to be found when I get to his private quarters where my editing office is, so I spend the next four hours wondering. And I have no shortage of things to wonder about.
JD. How strong is he these days? Strong enough to hear what Gabriel told me without killing someone if it turns out to be true? Killing himself if it adds up to nothing? Do I want to risk either of those things by telling him? Do I want to risk our friendship, and whatever may be developing with the addition of Blue, by not telling him?
How am I competent to make this decision alone? Why am I in this position in the first place? Why do people trust me? Why in the ever-loving fuck do people put their trust in me?
I admit, that has been on my mind a lot over the past year.
When I got off the bus and found JD, that was a stroke of luck. I thought for sure my life was on track.
But it wasn’t. It’s not on track. It’s so far off-track, I don’t even know who I am anymore. No matter how much money I make, it’s not enough to erase the reason I came to Denver in the first place. No matter how successful I appear, the last four years add up to nothing but failure. After all the girls I’ve come across on the streets, why does Blue have to be the one who makes a difference? Why now?
Because you got comfortable, Ark, my inner voice says. You got used to this life. Started to enjoy it.
And that’s true. It’s not a bad life. And it’s about to get even better. We are a few weeks away from Public Fuck America going live.
Why now?
I stopped questioning the whole idea that doing bad things can lead to good. I stopped feeling guilty. Stopped keeping myself awake at night wondering what I’m doing. Why I’m doing it.
Blue was wrong when she said I wasn’t invested. I am invested. Just not in the way she thinks.
The software I’m running completes the rendering of the movie, and I save it to the weekly outgoing folder so I can upload it on Sunday when we complete our last week of contract work for Ray.
This is it. I’m about to go big time. And all those doors that have been closed to me for the last four years will open. But if men like Gabriel are behind those doors, what then? Does the end really justify the means? Am I a sick piece of shit for participating in this business, even if my intentions are good?
I can’t answer that. I’m not capable of self-judgment. The money blinds me. The partnership with JD blinds me. Hell, even Blue blinds me.
I shut down my computer and push away from my desk feeling more lost than I have in years. Seeing Lanie last weekend isn’t helping things much, either. In fact, I think she’s the whole reason I’m having this reawakening in the first place.
I came into Ray’s place thinking he might be part of the problem. But he’s not the problem. I am. He’s not the one hoarding secrets. I am. He’s not the one selling his soul. He never wrestled with the line between good and evil. Ray is just a guy who saw an opportunity and took it.
And I could be just like him.
Or I could’ve been just like him.
But now that Blue is here I’m questioning the road forward.
Public Fuck with JD and Blue?
Or cash out and go home?
I nod to the guards standing outside Ray’s private floor and head back up the stairs to my waiting Jeep. The ground is covered in a few inches of fresh snow and I have to warm the old girl up for a few minutes before heading home in the pre-dawn light. By the time I make it back to my own parking garage, the snow is falling in large, round flakes.
Inside the apartment it’s cold, our winter heating settings not yet ready to kick in, so I adjust the thermostat and walk outside onto the terrace to take in the city before it wakes up.
Is this my city now? Denver? Will I stay here forever? Take Ray’s place once he retires?
Or will I move on? Get out as soon as I can?
I look over my shoulder, past the terrace doors. Into the condo. Will I leave JD behind if I go? I try to imagine a life without JD and find that I can’t. And it’s not because I want to marry the guy. I don’t. I want a wife and kid. I want what most men want.
But I want JD to be there too. It hurts to think of leaving him behind if this ends. What will happen to him? Will he be able to go on without me? And
aren’t I full of myself? To think that he needs me as much as I need him.
Gabriel is right about one thing. I love JD. And I’ll do anything for the guy.
I turn around and go back inside, the snowflakes sticking to my hair, the cold sticking to my body, making me need to warm up in the shower. I head to my room and stop short when I see them both in my bed.
Fuck. My eyes linger on JD’s hand on Blue’s bare breast, JD’s long, muscled leg wrapping over her in a protective embrace. And there’s empty space where I’d fit in perfectly, if I just gave in to my feelings.
I turn away and get into the shower, letting the hot water wash away the filth I deal in four nights a week.
If I give in… we’d have a life of porn-selling. And as long as we ran the business by the book, it’d be a very nice one. Filled with whatever we wanted. Vacations together. Christmases. Birthdays. Hell, kids. We could have kids like any other partnership. I picture this place filled with a family we make together.
Is that stupid?
Is Blue even invested? She’s a girl missing from a very prominent family. How long can we keep up the charade? How long before she misses her family so much, she risks contact? And once there’s contact, this life evaporates. There’s no way she’d stay with JD and me. No fucking way.
The only possibility of making something real out of this is to take care of all the outside threats. And if I do that, can I continue to be this person? Can I continue to contribute to the demise of hundreds—hell, thousands—of girls involved in the industry each year?
How the fuck do I justify that?
It’s a no-win. There is no way to win this game without tearing my whole life down in the process.
I turn the water off and grab a towel, wrapping it around my waist. When I open the door, the steam from the bathroom pours out into the bedroom, covering the two people in my bed with mist. Making them look like apparitions. Like they can disappear at any moment.
I drop the towel and walk over to the bed. JD is facing me, hugging Blue to his chest. He opens one tired eye and smiles. “Just get in bed, Ark.”
His voice is soft, but Blue stirs, twisting her body so her shoulders are flat on the mattress, her breasts exposed to me. Her breathing is still deep, telling me she’s asleep.
I pull the covers back and slide in next to her and when she turns into me, her cool body hits my overheated one from the shower. She moans and snuggles in closer, making me chance a look over at JD to see what he’s thinking about this.
He closes his eyes and places a hand on her hip, then slides it down her belly so that it rubs me as well. My dick is already hard, but that adds to my growing desire. I want to touch him. I want him to touch me. And I want to share more than Blue.
His hand spends a few moments caressing Blue’s pussy, and she moans again, but this time her eyes flutter for a few seconds. When she finally opens them, the desire in there seals the deal.
I want them both.
They both want me.
We want each other.
Her hand comes up, her palm sliding along the rough stubble of my cheek. And then JD’s hand is on top of hers and we lie there, enjoying the moments. Enjoying the beginning of something new.
Not sex.
Not lust.
Love. It’s the official beginning of our shared love.
And then we pass the start line.
“Blue, baby,” JD says in that low throaty growl he likes to use on the whores. But this time, it opens up a level of desire in me like it never has before. And when he grabs Blue’s hand and slides it down my chest, both their fingertips caressing my skin the whole way down to my cock, I reach up and grip his hair in a tight fist.
Blue’s little palm circles my dick, and JD’s big one circles hers. Together they pump me in a slow, easy rhythm. My eyes dart between them. And then JD’s hand lifts off of Blue’s and he brings it up, pressing down on her head. “Suck him off, Blue.”
She smiles at me and lets JD’s pressure guide her head down my stomach. She kisses me as she goes, her tongue licking my abs, then my groin, then her hand cups my balls as her lips find my head.
“Fuck,” I moan out, my eyes closing. Her mouth moves up and down my shaft, licking me, then sucking my tip, her hand still kneading my balls.
“Take him deep, baby. Like you did me earlier.”
I should feel rage at Blue sucking another man. But I don’t. I don’t even come close. Those words turn me on so bad, I yank on JD’s hair, pulling his face to mine. And when our faces are only inches apart, I do something I never thought I’d do.
I lean in and kiss him on the lips.
His mouth opens in response, his tongue twisting us together. I pull his hair again and he groans, grinding his hips against the back of Blue’s head as she continues to suck me.
He tastes like pussy, and my tongue can’t get enough of it. My hand falls from his hair, pressing against his throat, squeezing him the way I’ve seen him squeeze hundreds of girls as they sucked his dick in public.
“Fuck, Ark,” he says, pulling out of the kiss.
“Fuck, no?” I ask. “Or fuck, yes?”
He stares at me. It’s the most intimate moment I’ve ever had with him. Maybe with anyone. “It’s a definite fuck, yes.”
And then he smacks Blue on the ass. “Baby, climb on Ark.” He guides her up to her knees, then turns her around so she’s facing me and has her straddle my hips. I watch the whole process, my dick swelling, so fucking ready for this it almost hurts. She hovers over my tip, her pussy so wet it’s practically dripping. And then JD’s hand is there, his finger pushing up against her opening, making her moan in the most delicious way. My hand goes to JD’s shoulder and then drops down, caressing his muscular back.
And he shoots me a smile.
I laugh at that smile, and any leftover inhibitions evaporate. That’s a smile I’ve waited four long years for. A smile that says, You make me happy. A smile that says, This is right.
And in that moment Blue lowers herself down onto my waiting cock. I fill her up the way JD’s smile did me. I stretch her pussy out with my thick shaft, and she bends down, her face to mine, pressing our foreheads together.
And I kiss her too. I cup her face and kiss her hard. I kiss her good and long. My tongue can’t get enough of her. I thread my fingers through her hair, pulling it in fistfuls, just like I did JD’s.
I feel pressure down between my legs and realize JD’s hand is still between Blue’s legs. She moans hard, like she’s in pain, and I know he’s fingering her asshole. The thought of us both fucking her drives me wild, and I begin to thrust inside her, my hips bouncing on the bed, skin slapping skin, my balls smacking against us both.
And then JD kneels behind her, pumping her ass for a second, before lowering his head to lick. His chin skims against the lower portion of my shaft. He strokes me as he gets her ready for him, and this feels so fucking good, I have to close my eyes and concentrate on holding onto my load.
JD rises up, positioning his dick over Blue’s back entrance, and then there’s a tightening of her pussy as she clamps down on me. JD’s cock pushes inside and Blue sits up, her back arching. But JD slams her back down onto my chest and leans over so his face is pressed into her neck. “Be still, baby. Be still.”
She whimpers, and I wrap my arms around her, holding her tightly against me, kissing her everywhere my lips can reach. “Relax,” I say. “Let us love you,” I tell her.
And she does relax. JD thrusts once, hard. And then we are both fully inside her. Him on top of her. Her on top of me. Our arms and legs tangle together, our faces seeking each other out, our lips touching, tongues searching, breath mingling.
It’s the most beautiful moment I’ve had in my entire life.
She is not one lost girl.
We are not two best friends.
We are one trinity of perfection.
We come together. All three of us. I scream so loud from the release, Ark laughs
and JD slaps me on the ass, telling me I’m gonna wake up the neighbors below.
So I lie still, whimpering as wave after wave of pleasure rolls over me. JD collapses on top of us and Ark pushes him off with a grunt. And then he holds me tight and rolls us over so I’m sandwiched between them.
This. I have no words to describe it, but I need this for the rest of my life. These two men on either side. I have found Heaven, and I’m still alive. I have cheated death.
We fall asleep like that. We sleep all damn day. And we only get up for a shower and food when it’s well past four PM.
I sit on the black stone island that separates the kitchen from the living area, watching JD cook. He’s making pancakes and eggs. Ark is on his laptop, sitting in a stool across the island from me. Working, I guess.
It feels like we’ve been living this life forever.
This is what love feels like. Complete, one hundred percent contentment. I can think of no other place I’d rather be. I can think of no other girl on the entire planet who has a life as full and rich and perfect as mine.
“How many?” JD asks me, pointing to the pancakes and eggs.
I can only smile at him and shrug. “I don’t care. If you feed me crumbs, I’m happy. If you stuff me until I’m full, I’m happy.”
Ark peeks over his laptop and laughs. “I’m famished. I’ll eat all of it, if you let me. But some business first, JD.”
I make a face. I don’t want to talk about their business. I don’t even want to think about what they’ll be doing tonight.
“It’s Halloween and Ray thinks you’re going to the party.”
“Well,” JD says, looking at me before taking his attention to Ark, “the girl I have lined up is a waitress tonight. So I guess we’re both going.” He looks back at me. “You wanna go, Blue? We can dress you up. No one will know it’s you.”
I shake my head. “No, thanks,” I say quietly, not able to meet his gaze.