“There were no working smoke detectors in the house,” Rafe added.
No wonder Rafe was always the first at the station to volunteer to speak in schools and civic groups every fall about the importance of changing batteries in smoke detectors at the same time they reset their clocks when Daylight Savings Time ended. At the same time, he encouraged members of church and civic groups to have their chimneys cleaned annually.
“Even though I didn’t hear a single scream that night, I heard them in my nightmares for months after. Not only that, but every time a kid screamed—especially while playing—it took me back to that house and those two innocent boys we couldn’t get to in time.” His eyes grew bright with unshed tears and his chin shook as he fought to regain his composure.
Mama stood up and went around the table to give Rafe a hug. “You did all you could, Raphael. I’m so sorry you had to experience that.” With a glance to the lieutenant, she added, “You, too, Lieutenant Anderson.”
Rafe hugged Mama back before she let go and returned to her seat. He met Tony’s gaze again steadfastly and cleared his throat. “Tony, I know how hard it’s been for you hearing those screams for help from that mother and toddler over and over again, because I’m hearing them, too.”
Of course he would. Rafe had been on that ladder right behind Tony. He was beginning to see the extent of how this bad call had affected everyone involved.
“But I’m here to tell you that if I hadn’t gone to see Lisa Doyle all those years ago, I wouldn’t be doing this job today. I might not even be here.”
Was he saying he’d been suicidal? Or only that he’d have left Aspen Corners? Shit. Either way, how had Rafe kept up his stoic front all these years without letting on? Had Mama known about all this? She had to at least know he’d struggled after something like that, because he’d lived at home at the time. Maybe Matt and Franco knew about it as well, since they were in the fire service by then. Only Tony had been oblivious to his brother’s pain back then, focused more on his winter break from college and hooking up with old girlfriends than what his brother was going through.
“It was a rough time for the entire station,” Mama said, “but especially hard for your crew.” Rafe and Lieutenant nodded. Of course, she’d have been aware. Not much got past Mama. “I still remember your father’s first disastrous SAR mission,” Mama said. She looked at Rafe, but Tony had the feeling her words were mostly for his own ears.
“A mother and her young children were stranded on a remote road, stuck in snow and mud. Papa’s team was the first to reach them. Unfortunately, the mother and her youngest had already passed away before they could be helped. She’d given all the food and water in the car to her two children and had ventured out on foot to try to reach a house, but succumbed to the elements before she could return to them.”
Mama took a deep breath before continuing. “The older daughter survived. She was only four and was in severe hypothermia by the time Papa pulled her from the vehicle.” Mama’s voice cracked, and Tony squeezed her hand, not certain he wanted her to continue but needing to know this story he’d never heard before. “Your papa and another SAR worker wrapped her up in their coats. She was pressed against Papa’s chest as they hiked back out, hoping to infuse warmth back into her tiny body.
Mama cleared her throat. “The girl’s estranged father couldn’t be located immediately, and Papa stayed by her side at the hospital for days, simply holding her hand and talking to her so she wouldn’t feel alone. She was about Angelina’s age at the time, and I think he put himself in the place of those parents and his own daughter.”
Mama’s voice trailed off again, but she wiped away a few tears before going on. “When that little girl died, she took a part of your papa with her. SAR and first responders didn’t go to therapy much in those days; it wasn’t done much back then. But that little girl haunted him the rest of his life, especially around the anniversary of her death.”
“Anniversaries make it feel like it just happened yesterday,” Rafe warned. Ryder and Lieutenant Anderson nodded in agreement.
Tony would forever be haunted by the little girl and her mother from that river? He turned to Rafe. “Do you still have nightmares about that family?”
“Yeah, but not nearly as often. Like Papa, anniversaries are the worst for me too. But Lisa taught me some ways of dealing with it and preparing for those dates so they wouldn’t be as hard.”
“That’s why we’re hoping you’ll talk to her or someone, Tony,” Mama said. “I don’t want you to suffer the way Papa and Rafe did.”
“I’m doing okay, Mama.”
She narrowed her eyes and her scrutiny burned through his conscience until he could no longer meet her in the eye.
“We’re here today because we care about you, Tony,” Lieutenant Anderson said. “Every last one of us has dealt with flashbacks and nightmares on some level over calls gone wrong during our careers.”
“I’m fine,” Tony lied. “Stop worrying.” Tony truly believed that he’d be fine in a week or two. He turned to his lieutenant. “I haven’t missed a shift or been late to work, have I? Do you have any issues with my job performance, Lieutenant?”
He shook his head. “You’re meeting the minimum requirements, but that’s what concerns me. Your fire service family is noticing you aren’t around except when you’re on duty. We loved that you used to come to the station during all three shifts like it was a second home. We miss that. Your biological family and your fire family want to make sure you get the help you need so we can get back the firefighter/EMT you were before that bad call. Our shift also misses having you kidding around. It’s obvious that you’re not enjoying yourself at work anymore.”
Tony sat back in the chair and crossed his arms. True, he hadn’t gone near the station on his days off since that Sunday when he’d made the mistake of stopping by and going out on that fateful run. If he hadn’t been there, maybe someone else would have been on that ladder and been able to save the mother and child.
“The guys on my shift miss your minestrone,” Rafe added with a grin. “So do I.”
“You guys know how to cook. You don’t need me.”
“We miss you, Tony” Rafe said.
This intervention—and there was no other way to label it—was beginning to make him uncomfortable. Admitting he had any problems dealing with what happened left him unsettled. Okay, maybe Rafe, Papa, and Ryder—maybe Dale too—had needed someone to talk to, but Tony wasn’t that bad off.
“Look, I appreciate you guys coming here to share these stories, but I’m fine. Really.”
Mama surreptitiously pinched his side like she used to do when he squirmed too much during Sunday Mass. “I can smell the bourbon on your breath, Tony. I don’t want you to get lost in the bottle. That almost happened to Papa, you know.”
No, he had no clue it had been that bad for Papa.
“Please, A.J., make an appointment to talk with Lisa or someone. For me,” she said, clutching his forearm tightly with her other hand, “if not yourself.” The pleading look in her tear-filled eyes tore at Tony’s gut.
He’d do anything to make his mother happy, but he didn’t need this. What would he say to a shrink? He was supposed to help people, not seek help from others. And no one had said he wasn’t performing his duties, so could Lieutenant make him go?
He turned back to his superior. “Is my position at the firehouse at risk if I don’t see someone, Lieutenant?”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “Not as long as you can perform your duties. But, Tony, you need to know that talking with someone isn’t a sign of weakness. It takes a strong person to admit there’s an issue he needs to deal with head-on. Drinking yourself to sleep every night isn’t a healthy coping mechanism and the long-term effects on your body and mind can be devastating.”
Apparently, he’d already been pegged a drunk by half if not all the people at this table.
“Tony, what do you think happens at one of those s
essions?” Rafe asked.
“I have no clue. Haven’t given it any thought.” Tony wanted to keep it that way.
“I can tell you from experience it’s not what you’re imagining,” he said. “Lisa’s worked with a lot of first responders. She gets us. You won’t shock her with your stories. She’s mostly going to listen and help you figure out for yourself how to work through things.”
Tony still didn’t think that he needed to talk to anyone and would be happy when this session was over. “I’m glad she helped you, Rafe. You too, Ryder. I really am.” Lieutenant hadn’t admitted to seeing a therapist, so he didn’t include him. “But how can I make you guys see that I don’t need to talk to anyone? I’m getting through this my own way.”
“Are you?” Mama asked, stroking his cheek. “You’ve been withdrawing from us, little by little. We miss the Tony we know and love.”
Tony hadn’t gone anywhere, but sure planned on leaving now. He stood up. “I’m going to the kitchen to see how that ravioli is coming along.” Assuming there even was any ravioli. Angelina obviously had been in on this intervention too. Why was she hiding in the kitchen?
How could he show all of them that he wasn’t losing his shit?
Chapter Twelve
Come Tuesday morning, Tony wondered how the hell he’d let them talk him into coming to see this woman, the shrink. It had been three days since everyone had ganged up on him at Angelina’s restaurant in what was clearly an orchestrated intervention. They’d played him like a fiddle, no doubt about that. He hadn’t been sold on this idea, though, until Angelina had cornered him in the kitchen while he ate and told him how bad Marc’s PTS had been and that she didn’t want Tony to go through that too. She’d seemed upset as she must have remembered back to a rough time with her guy.
However, once he’d had time to think about it, hearing that Rafe had been to the woman had been the major tipping point. Maybe she’d help Tony develop that tough outer shell Rafe had.
When he’d returned to his apartment after Saturday’s intervention, he’d carried a new bottle of Jim Beam Black. After sitting at the kitchen table that night staring at the unopened bottle for nearly an hour while the conversations earlier that afternoon played over in his mind, he came to the realization that getting drunk on his days off wasn’t wise.
It couldn’t hurt to talk with someone about what was going on and maybe find some different coping skills, as Ryder had suggested.
He’d called Lisa Doyle’s office to make an appointment early Monday morning expecting to get an answering machine, but her receptionist picked up and said the counselor could see him Tuesday afternoon. Somehow, Tony suspected that appointment had been on the books already—arranged by his brother before the intervention. Had Rafe also consulted with her on the reason for the appointment?
While having his brother interfere in his personal life normally would have bugged him, it also made him feel loved. The Giardanos always had each other’s backs. Being the baby boy, Tony had been on the receiving end of a larger dose of overprotectiveness over the years from his older brothers, so he was used to it.
He’d texted his lieutenant and Rafe soon after to let them know about his appointment to get them off his back. Rafe had encouraged him to go to Mama’s for dinner Monday evening after catching a few hours’ sleep after shift change and to let her know he’d be there. Tony expected to have someone checking up on him regularly now and hadn’t been off the mark.
Last night, Mama had hugged him at the door and told him how proud she was that he’d taken the first step.
Matt and Franco, as well as Marc and Angelina, had all been around the table, which didn’t usually happen except on Sundays. While no one said anything about Tony’s issues, everyone hovered over him more than usual, so much so that Tony had to leave before dessert to keep from being smothered.
Late that night had been his first opportunity to be alone with his thoughts since his decision to see the counselor, but he’d managed to avoid the bottle. That was perhaps in large part due to his family’s caring about him, but he didn’t want to have them continually babysitting him.
A decent night’s sleep had still been impossible, although he’d managed to catch a few naps here and there.
Rafe had insisted on coming to the shrink’s office with him this afternoon, since both were off duty. But his brother’s shift last night had been a busy one, and he’d gotten even less sleep than Tony had. He thought he’d gotten away clean until Angelina showed up at his apartment on the pretense that she wanted to catch up with him on her honeymoon trip.
“I know what you’re doing, and I’m not letting you inside that room with the therapist.”
She smiled. “I just want to be there before and after, in case I can help.”
He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. “Okay, but no questions about what we talk about in there.”
She made the motion of buttoning up her lips.
While they sat in the waiting room for him to be called back, she showed him photos from her phone. Her presence probably kept him from bolting while he waited.
“You have to visit Zio Vincenzo’s place the next time you get to Sicily. It’s like heaven on earth.”
The photos she shared barely registered with Tony, but he grunted softly at regular intervals so she’d think he was paying attention. His gaze kept drifting to the inner office door, waiting for the therapist or someone to come out and haul him in for the interrogation. No way did he intend to spill his guts to this stranger who, despite what Rafe and Ryder said, probably had no clue what he’d experienced.
All too soon, the door at the far end of the reception area opened and a woman of about thirty-five came across the lobby to greet him. “Hi, I’m Lisa.” She smiled broadly as she extended her hand, and he stood to shake it.
“Nice to meet you.” He took her hand. “Tony Giardano, your two o’clock appointment.”
Lisa nodded. “My pleasure, Tony. And who have you brought with you?”
“My sister, Angelina.” That Angelina hadn’t already consulted with the woman surprised him. Maybe he should add paranoia to his growing list of problems.
“Nice to meet you too, Lisa,” Angelina said as she shook her hand.
“Tony, would you like your sister to join us?”
Hell, no. She didn’t need to hear the gory details. “No, it’ll just be me.”
“Okay, well, please come inside.” To Angelina, she added, “We’ll be about fifty minutes.”
Not even an hour long. He could get through that without too much difficulty. Right?
When she told him to sit wherever he was comfortable, he chose the chair nearest the door, expecting her to sit behind the desk. But instead, she pulled a chair to within five feet of him and sat down. He crossed his arms and sat as far back in the chair as he could while they did some easy preliminary chitchat. After a while, Tony relaxed a little. He glanced at his watch. Ten minutes had passed. Forty to go.
“What brought you in to see me, Tony?”
“Besides my lieutenant, mama, brother, and baby sister?” He chuffed in an attempt at humor.
She laughed. “I see you have a strong support system. Good. Why do you think they wanted you to come here?”
Tony sobered. “I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately.” When she didn’t say anything, he added, “And drinking a little more than I used to in order to unwind faster.” He’d leave it at that.
She nodded. “How long have you been having issues with your sleep, Tony?”
“Over two weeks.”
“Did anything happen that might be the root cause—perhaps a death in the family, a relationship ending, loss of a beloved pet?”
Tony swallowed. Surely someone had already told her. “No. It’s work-related.” Just in case she really didn’t know, he added, “I’m a firefighter and had a bad call on June twenty-third that I’d rather not talk about.”
“Okay, we don’t have to talk
about that today, but it helps me to know that’s part of the time frame for when your sleep issues began. Thank you for sharing with me.” She wrote something on her yellow pad before glancing his way again. “Prior to this event, your sleep was good?”
“Yeah. Normal for me, anyway. I work a twenty-four hour shift every three days.”
Again, she nodded and jotted something down. “Tell me about your job with the fire department.”
He told her the usual details he might share with a stranger—that he’d been with the department for four years now. He mentioned how much he loved his job, helping people, and being a part of his fire station family. She didn’t probe him about the bad call or anything else for that matter. She simply let him talk and showed interest by asking follow-up questions. So far, nothing too invasive.
“Are you career or volunteer?”
“Career. At Aspen Corners’ main station.”
“Is there mandatory overtime at least once a week, or does your schedule remain fairly predictable?”
“My duty hours stay steady, unless we’re in the middle of a call at shift change. I used to sometimes go in during other shifts, but not overnight.”
“Good. A firefighter’s schedule is already demanding and unpredictable enough without piling on a lot of overtime. So, your house is well staffed?”
“Better than some, not as good as others like the ones here in Breck. We have some volunteer firefighters at a second station who help during busier shifts.”
She smiled. “I love how firefighting organizations work together to protect their communities, but being on call for twenty-four hours straight allows you very little time to turn off your brain to sleep. How many calls after midnight did you have on your last shift?”
“Three.”
“Which means you slept very little that night.”
TONY: Slow Burn (Raging Fire Book 1) Page 12