Whether he thought that because he had left Carm on her doorstep with both of them wanting more or because he’d let things go as far as they had in the first place, Tony wasn’t sure. One thing was certain—he’d need a cold shower tonight when he got back home.
Which was the first place he headed when he walked into his apartment two hours later. While drying off, he remembered that he’d promised to text Carm and let her know he’d made it home safely. She’d probably fallen asleep already, but he sent her a cursory message. Seconds later, his phone pinged.
CARMELLA: Thx for letting me know. Pleasant dreams.
Her reminder of his challenge for her to have a hot dream about him came back. As his own thoughts returned to his fantasies on the drive home of what he would’ve liked to do with her tonight, any effects from the cold shower dissipated quickly. He grabbed a hand towel and carried it into his bedroom before texting her back.
TONY: not pleasant. flaming hot ones.
As he waited for a response, he realized this was the first time since the victims had been recovered from the river that he hadn’t automatically reached for alcohol soon after entering his apartment. Sure, in recent days he’d managed to talk himself out of taking that first drink, but tonight he hadn’t given booze a single thought.
All he had been able to think about were the fantasies that kept him awake on the drive home. Carm’s body naked beneath him—or on top of him—he’d been fantasizing about her in both positions, actually. Or of Carm taking his cock into her hot, sweet mouth.
She didn’t respond. Had she fallen asleep? Was she dreaming about him yet?
With his free hand, he stroked his cock, hoping for some much-needed relief from the sexual tension that had been building all night. In his mind’s eye, he unzipped the little black dress she’d worn to dinner, revealing her tantalizing shoulders. Slowly, her breasts came into sight encased in a black lacy bra. He bent down to kiss the skin spilling out of the bra cups. She moaned the way she had during their kiss, and he let the dress slide to her feet revealing sheer black panties.
Ping! Jarred from his fantasy, he reached for his phone.
CARMELLA: I despise you for leaving me like this.
Tony grinned. Apparently, he wasn’t the only one left wanting.
TONY: will make it up to you sometime, dolcezza.
CARMELLA: It’s Friday already. Busy tonight?
Shit. She knew he was off duty if she kept up with Marc’s schedule, so he couldn’t lie and say he had to work. Of course, he didn’t owe her an excuse. Just tell her you can’t make it. Because they weren’t going to end their next evening together with merely a kiss.
Tony needed some time to think before taking that next step. He also had an appointment with Lisa this afternoon and wasn’t sure what kind of mood he’d be in afterward.
TONY: sorry. can’t.
Let it go. Don’t start something with her. You’re not in the right headspace for a relationship right now.
Sex was a coping mechanism for him, but that’s not how you treated someone like Carm. Then why did his fingers develop a mind of their own? Maybe an alternative activity might not have them winding up in bed.
TONY: working saturday. how about a hike sunday?
Surely a hike wouldn’t result in blazing fantasies. He could choose a strenuous trail that would leave them both exhausted and unable to do much afterward. Right?
Except that they were both in incredibly good shape.
CARMELLA: Sorry. Sandro’s out of town. Need to be at the resort.
TONY: work tuesday and friday. how’s next weekend look?
Tony filled his lungs as he waited for a response. Being with her had been good for him.
CARMELLA: Sunday’s good. Your place or mine?
TONY: yours. be there by ten.
CARMELLA: See you then!
He didn’t send another message and stopped stroking his cock because at this point his worry about screwing this thing up had replaced any sexual fantasies. He turned onto his side and closed his eyes but couldn’t stop thinking about her and their upcoming date. Because this would totally be a date, no getting around it.
What was he doing? Carm deserved someone better than he was. Someone who wouldn’t hurt her.
At some point, Tony must have dozed off, but he woke up in the middle of the night stroking an erection harder than the one he’d given up on earlier.
Wait! I fell asleep! He glanced at the clock. Okay, only for ninety minutes, but he hadn’t been visited by the ghosts of the victims he’d been unable to save.
Instead, he’d been in the midst of a full-fledged, flaming-hot erotic dream. The memories poured over him. Cupping her high, full breasts—no longer in a bra. Caressing the length of her torso until his hands slid her panties down her long legs, and he spread her thighs open. Burying his fingers into her short, wet curls…
And then he’d woken up.
Wide awake, he headed to the bathroom for a second shower tonight. This time, he followed through and jerked off to thoughts of what might have been if he hadn’t let his big-brother sensibilities overpower his baser instincts.
Although his last sexual encounter had involved a condom, Tony decided he’d better get tested tomorrow. Not because he intended to let this attraction with Carm go too far, but it never hurt to be careful if things got out of control again.
Carm was a passionate woman. They’d both enjoy the hell out of sex when the time was right. She was also a smart girl. He’d leave it to her to realize how detrimental an intimate relationship between them could be. Undoubtedly, she’d send him packing.
Under the warm spray, he satisfied himself with torridly explicit fantasies of her.
Unfortunately, when he returned to bed this time for more sleep, the screams of the drowning victims obliterated Carm’s passionate ones from his earlier dream.
Friday afternoon, he had his second session with Lisa, and he revealed that recurring nightmares were the main reason for his insomnia. He shared a few details about the incident at the river, and she described several techniques to him and gave him detailed instruction sheets to try at home.
“Changing the dialogue in your head before bedtime will be the key, but it could take weeks before you see results. Just try the deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation techniques and we’ll talk more at our upcoming sessions.”
“Sure thing.” He didn’t mention what had worked so far—Carm.
“And stick to a sleep schedule as best you can. Skipping or delaying sleep will only make the frequency and intensity of the nightmares worse.” Not to mention making him feel like crap on the days he worked.
She also handed him several worksheets to fill out before their next session to evaluate what worked and what didn’t. He’d expected therapy sessions to be where issues were resolved and not to have so much homework to do, but she explained that the bulk of his progress would take place outside her office.
They talked some more and practiced some of the techniques, then at the end of the session, Lisa handed him a list of alternative activities that might help relieve some of his PTS symptoms. Scuba diving had been at the bottom of the list, but it nearly jumped off the page at him. Images of Carm in her two-piece bathing suit undulating in Caribbean-blue waters with colorful fish paying homage to her gorgeous body flitted across his mind.
“See something that interests you?”
Tony glanced up from the paper, surprised to find Lisa staring at him. “Uh, yeah. Scuba diving.”
“I put it farther down the list because it’s an expensive option, but if you’d like to take a Try Scuba session, I can hook you up with an excellent dive instructor in the area.”
“Here in Colorado?”
“Oh, there are a number of dive schools in Colorado. Most are in Denver and Colorado Springs, but the guy I’m thinking of is right up the road in Dillon. There’s also a dive shop in Aspen.” She explained that Tony would begin by practicing sk
ills in a swimming pool. When ready, he’d complete his open-water certification in a local lake or reservoir.
Tony loved to swim and didn’t want to develop an irrational fear of water on top of his other problems, but the idea of the lake worried him. “I’m not too worried about open-water diving.” A peaceful lake was different from a raging river. He shouldn’t have issues with triggers there.
“Take it one step at a time, Tony.” She pointed to the paper in his hand. “I’d like for you to give the other relaxation and activity suggestions on the list some consideration, too, even though I have the feeling your mind’s already made up.” She smiled as she swiveled her chair around and pulled something from the center drawer of her desk. “Here’s a card for the dive instructor in Dillon.” She handed him a blue business card.
He wouldn’t say anything to Carm about it yet. Better to wait and see how the initial lessons went, but if they went well, perhaps the two of them could scuba dive together sometime.
Was Carm becoming the workout buddy Lisa had suggested he find?
And just what other workouts did Tony have in mind?
Right after his appointment with Lisa, Tony scheduled his introductory scuba session for the following Monday morning. He showed up at the dive shop, signed some paperwork, and was fitted for the equipment needed for the Try Scuba session. He and two other students were transported by van to a local gym.
The instructor assembled everyone’s equipment poolside and donned his own gear. In the shallow end of the pool, the instructor had them form a semicircle and began the session. Tony listened intently then donned his mask and regulator, bent over at the waist, and submerged his face under water. He took his first tentative breaths through the regulator. It was similar to the one he used fighting fires. Once the newbie divers were comfortable with simply breathing, the instructor demonstrated how to clear their masks when water got inside it. Unlike one of the other students, Tony didn’t panic because he knew he wasn’t breathing through his nose any longer. Soon they moved to the deep end of the pool where Tony learned how to ascend and descend using the buoyancy control device.
Damn! He hadn’t had this much fun since…he couldn’t remember when.
The first experience intrigued him enough that, when he returned to the dive shop, he signed up for the Try Scuba diving in a nearby lake on Thursday.
At his session with Lisa that afternoon, he didn’t tell her that he’d already experienced his introductory diving lesson. First, he wanted to get out on the lake and make sure he could continue with the dive lessons without having an episode. Tony hadn’t been in deep water since the swift-water disaster. He’d always loved to swim and knew that the lake would be nothing like the river. While not overly worried, he also didn’t want to embarrass himself then have to tell her about it.
On Thursday, he went scuba diving in the lake with the instructor who took him down to twenty feet. Exhilarated, Tony went through a few new skills to become more familiar with the equipment. The water down here was colder than at the surface. Would he be able to dive much when the weather became colder? All the more reason to get in as many lessons as he could afford this summer.
At this depth, he marveled that he could see fish swimming around him as clear as day. Watching them meander by relaxed him even more. Suddenly, the screams he’d been hearing in his head for the past few weeks became muted by the steady rhythm of his breathing through the regulator. The bubbles floated toward the surface as if taking all of his troubles with them.
He couldn’t wait to talk to Lisa that afternoon. He might even tell Carm about it when he saw her Sunday but wasn’t sure he was ready to share yet, for some reason.
Sitting across from Lisa in her office later that day, he tried to describe the experience.
“The sense of peace I feel under water is incredible. The sound of the regulator makes all the noises in my head disappear for a while.”
“Wonderful! I’ve heard that from others who have tried it too.”
“I think scuba will be good for me, so I’ve signed up for the next open-water course.”
“I can see you’ve taken to diving like a fish to water.” She groaned. “Pardon my pun.” She became serious again. “But remember that you can benefit from your time spent in the water even without becoming a certified diver.”
“Yeah, but…” Tony glanced down sheepishly, uncertain if he wanted to mention Carm to Lisa yet. Oh, what the hell? “There’s this woman…” He grinned with a shrug. “She dives too.”
“I see.” She raised her eyebrows and was probably reading more into it than was there, but he didn’t protest her assumptions.
“Not that I’m doing this just because she likes to dive. But I would like to dive with her someday.”
“It’s always good to have goals for the future, but try to stay in the moment when you dive. Experience all that’s around you, focus on your breathing, and practice relaxing your body and letting go of your tension.”
Tony nodded. Diving was the best therapy for him at the moment.
He couldn’t wait to see the expression on Carm’s face when she found out he was learning to scuba dive.
Thoughts about finding something else they might enjoy doing together made him smile and gave him one more thing to look forward to.
Chapter Fifteen
Carm packed snacks and water bottles for them, having told Tony to just show up in his hiking gear and not worry about anything. She was used to filling backpacks with supplies for resort guests on her treks.
He’d texted this morning when he set out for Aspen that he was up for whatever hike she’d like. She’d chosen the Ute Trail in part for its beautiful vistas but also for its degree of difficulty. She rarely found anyone who could keep up with her hiking and wanted to do more than take a leisurely stroll on a moderate trail.
As she zipped up the compartment of the second bag, the doorbell sounded. Tony was a little early this time, but that was fine with her. If they chose to hike back down the trail rather than take a gondola ride, they’d need as much time as they could get.
After confirming it was Tony on the other side of the door, she opened it and smiled. His body filled the doorway. His polyester hiking shirt hugged his chest and biceps like a second skin. The sight of him sent a tingle through her, but she reminded herself that they had plans to hike today. There might be something more tonight, but she’d deal with that if—or when?—the time came. If she was going to hike this trail without making a fool of herself, she needed to keep her mind off carnal thoughts right now.
Tony made a quick pit stop in her powder room before they donned their packs and started out. “We can hike to the trailhead from here; it starts at the end of Ute Street.”
She realized that wouldn’t mean anything to him if he hadn’t spent a lot of time in Aspen, so she led the way. On Main Street, they walked side by side while he told her how his most recent shift had gone. From the sounds of it, it was pretty quiet. Good!
Again, her thoughts went to what they might do after the hike, and again she reined them in.
“Thanks for suggesting this, Tony. With your training, I didn’t have to worry about the level of difficulty of the trails you’d be capable of hiking.”
“I’m supposed to get in more exercise, so whatever you came up with will be great.”
“Supposed to?”
He was silent a moment, then said, “I’m going to someone who’s helping me learn to cope better with…things.”
She stopped and turned to him. “Tony, I’m so glad to hear that! I’d wondered how you’d been dealing with it all.”
He glanced away and rather than make him uncomfortable, she fell into step again.
“It’ll be a process, but she’s providing me with ways to regain control of my nights especially. Those are the worst.”
Here all she’d been thinking about was sex later on, but Tony had been dealing with demons during his nights. She decided not to push
him on the idea of staying over unless he brought it up. They ought to take things a little slower anyway.
For the most part, they hiked the first part of the trail in silence, focusing on their breathing and putting one foot in front of the other as they climbed the switchbacks. Other than pointing out who lived in the various mansions they passed, she didn’t say much until they came to her favorite vista overlooking Aspen at Ute Rock.
She pointed toward the rocks. “This is a great place for the snacks I’ve packed.”
“Sounds great. I’m starving.”
“I should have offered you something back at the condo.”
“No, this is perfect timing. I grabbed a sausage biscuit on my way here, but it’s worn off.”
Carm removed a checkered square tablecloth and spread it on a rock. She realized it was silly but had wanted this meal to be as special as their dinner ten days ago. She laid out plates and utensils and pulled out bread, cheese, cold cuts, and grapes to place between them.
“This is quite a spread. You went to a lot of trouble.”
She shrugged off his praise. “Just a light lunch to give us energy to finish the climb.”
“I appreciate it.” Tony filled his plate with some of everything, and they began eating in silence while looking out over the valley. After a few initial bites, he said, “Gorgeous view.”
“One of the best of Aspen around here. And you can’t see our resort, so I don’t have to wonder if everything’s going well down there.”
“I’m sure it runs like a well-oiled machine with you and Sandro at the wheel.”
She laughed. “Oh, we have our moments of total chaos, but this is a quiet time of year compared to winter.”
“I’ll bet.”
After he’d finished eating, he continued to stare down at the view. She hoped this provided him with the same sense of peace that it did her. She didn’t want to break the silence with idle chitchat, so she just let the wind brush across their faces and the sounds of the birds fill their ears.
“Marc and Angelina’s new place is peaceful like this too,” Tony began, “but no views of the city. Their place is pretty remote.”
TONY: Slow Burn (Raging Fire Book 1) Page 15