She’d faced down her fears—more accurately, chased them down—and then completed the dive as if nothing had happened. Seeing her in such a vulnerable state yet willing to keep going gave Tony a lot to think about. He had a lot of respect for her already, but even more so after what happened tonight.
And maybe, just maybe, he could learn something from her about how to handle his own fears.
Her eyes shimmered in the lights from the boat. “Thanks for saying that, Tony. It means a lot to me to hear it. And you were amazing. You helped calm me down and got me past the fear. I imagine every person you’ve rescued feels the same way I do.”
“It’s what I train for, so that when I’m in a situation like that, I know what to do.” While the instructor would have eventually seen she was in distress and come to her rescue, Tony was glad he’d been the one to help Carmella tonight.
“If you knew how scared I was…but you helped me get past my panic. I would have missed out on such an incredible dive, if not for you.” She glanced away. “It’s embarrassing to admit how scared I was. I flashed back to a childhood trauma, which only made me panic more.”
“What happened?”
“I was six. Marc and Gino had snuck out of the condo to go down to the pool just before midnight. They left the pool lights off so our parents and the property managers wouldn’t see them. I was always traipsing after them on one adventure or another. When I heard what they were planning, I got out of bed, bringing my stuffed animal for courage, and followed.”
She paused and took a deep breath, and Tony took her hand and squeezed it to encourage her to finish. “The condo pool must not have been as well-maintained as the resort ones, because there was a broken cap on the filter. I was wearing my summer pjs and while swimming underwater to try and surprise my brothers, the cloth got snagged and I couldn’t break the suction.”
“God, Carmella, that had to be terrifying.”
She nodded without comment before continuing her story. “Gino said he swam into Wolfie, my stuffed animal that had floated up to the surface, and knew I was in the pool somewhere. Gino sent Marc to turn on the pool lights while he searched for me.” She shuddered as if cold, and Tony pulled her even closer to his body, hoping to infuse some heat into her.
“Gino performed CPR. They told me later that if not for his quick thinking, I wouldn’t have survived.”
Tony’s eyes stung at the thought of anything happening to Carmella, even if it had been before he’d even known her. He remained speechless a moment, trying to choose his words, then said, “I’m glad your brother knew what to do. How old was he?”
“Sixteen. It was part of his lifeguard training. Marc, three years younger than Gino, took CPR training right after that incident, as did Mama and Papa. Sandro and I did as well, after each of us turned twelve. Mama made sure we kept up our certifications too.”
“Good for your whole family. Everyone should know CPR. I’m sure it’s come in handy for you with your wilderness treks a few times.”
“Definitely.”
She leaned her head on his shoulder, and he nestled her body against his. Holding her like this felt so…right.
Hearing that Carmella’s panic attack had been the result of a flashback made him marvel all the more that she’d been able to conquer the fear and not let it put an end to their dive.
On the remainder of the trip to the dock, Tony thought about all he’d learned from Lisa about dealing with triggers and panic. Watching Carm going through her own flashback had flipped another switch in his head. He needed to admit to her that he sometimes got scared too. It wasn’t a sign of weakness if he was taking action to deal with it. He also needed to stop distancing himself from her at night. If she witnessed him having a panic attack, flashback, or trigger, no doubt she’d be able to handle it and not judge him. Carmella understood what it was like.
All week, he’d chosen not to sleep beside her until morning in case he had a nightmare. But by holding back that level of intimacy, he’d wasted the opportunity to get closer to her. For most of his adult life, he’d been the type of guy who had sex with a woman then left her alone the rest of the night.
But Carm deserved more than that.
And he wasn’t ready to call it quits with Carmella once they returned to Colorado. Yeah, he wanted to continue dating her even after they left paradise. The thought surprised him a little, but then he realized that would mean becoming vulnerable to a woman. Was he ready for whatever might happen tonight?
Who knows?
Back at the villa, Tony was lost in thought about how to approach the subject.
“How about a Painkiller now that we don’t have to worry about mixing alcohol with diving?” Carm asked.
“Sounds perfect.” Only Tony didn’t plan to seek courage in a bottle—or a pitcher, in this case. He intended to tell her about his misuse of alcohol in the past few months as well.
“Let me shower and change first,” she said.
This might be the perfect time to open up to her. “Let me know if you need someone to wash your back.”
She turned toward him, a distinctive gleam in her eyes as a smile lit up her face. “You know, there are a few spots I could use some help with.” Carmella winked.
Tony extended his hand toward her, and she took it before they headed up the staircase. On the way to the landing, he pictured her naked under the shower head, water sluicing from her hair to her breasts and over her beautiful body. Tony’s cock grew hard at the image. This would be the perfect tension breaker.
“Start the water, dolcezza. I’ll join you in a few.”
Carmella couldn’t help but feel the two of them had crossed a new threshold tonight, although she wasn’t sure yet what it might mean for their future. After quickly removing her clothing and checking to make sure she had a stack of towels at the ready for them, she turned on the shower and adjusted the multiple jets on the walls to make sure they would hit them both in all the right places. She hoped the washing he’d promised would include a neck and shoulder rub, because tension lingered there from tonight’s moments of terror.
At a soft tapping on the door, she turned around to see Tony standing magnificently naked and hard in front of her. Smiling at her before giving her equally naked body an appreciative once-over, Tony closed the gap between them and pulled her into the shelter of his arms.
“You’re gorgeous any time, Carm, but especially so tonight.”
She lowered her hands to his butt and gave him a squeeze on both of his buns of steel while pressing his erection against her. “I will never get tired of seeing you like this, either.” That might sound like she intended for them to continue dating, but the future wasn’t guaranteed.
Carpe diem!
Releasing him, she led him into the open shower then turned to face him again. Tony leaned in to kiss her as water sluiced over their bodies. He pressed her against the shower wall. “I can’t wait to bury myself inside you, but first I want a taste.” Tony grabbed her head with both hands and kissed her, deepening his possession when she opened her mouth wider for him.
When he pulled away, she let out a heavy sigh of disappointment. “I promised to wash your back. Turn around.” Carmella did as he commanded and moaned as he placed nibbles on the skin of her neck and shoulders. While not the scrubbing she’d expected, she enjoyed this much more, letting her head loll to the opposite side of whichever shoulder he attended to at the moment.
When his hands replaced his lips, he kneaded her stiff muscles. “You’re in knots.”
“Stressful night—well, part of it was anyway.” The evening had been nothing but divine once her panic had been brought under control. Carm moaned as he applied more pressure to the nape of her neck. “That feels so good.”
After a few minutes, Tony picked up the shower gel and a washcloth; the scent of jasmine soon filled the shower. He washed her back methodically, sensuously until he reached the curve of her ass. “Spread your legs for me, dolcezza.�
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A frisson of excitement raced to her sex in anticipation of his touching her more intimately. Without hesitation, she did as he’d instructed. Tony washed her thoroughly, although he avoided her clit. Even so, the motion of his hand made her grind herself against the washcloth.
“Don’t move.”
Her response to the forceful way he took charge surprised her. She became wet and ready for him in an instant. She wanted him to turn around and press her against the shower wall and enter her swiftly and surely, but he didn’t do that. With infuriating slowness, his ministrations continued down her inner thighs and legs. “Lift your right foot.” Kneeling beside her, water washing over his face to the point she didn’t know how he could see, he carefully washed each foot in turn, even between the toes in case any sand or salt had been missed.
He took her by the ankle and lifted her leg toward him until his tongue traced a trail over the sole of her foot.
Don’t giggle, Carm. Don’t giggle.
He knew from their poker game that she was ticklish there, so why did he continue to—
Carm jerked her foot away when he reached a particularly sensitive spot. Tony’s answering chuckle told her he knew exactly what he was doing.
Tony stood once more, set the washcloth aside, and slid his finger between her folds. He’d come close to her clit, but never quite touch it. Frustrating. “So wet.”
“We’re in the shower.”
“You know what I mean.” He plunged one, then two fingers inside her and her knees grew weak from anticipation of having him inside her again.
Without another word, he pulled out his fingers and she heard the ripping of a foil wrapper. Seconds later, he turned her around, grabbed her by the hips, lifted her above his erection and pressed her against the wall. “Ready, dolcezza?”
While he seemed to want to ease himself into her, she wasn’t looking for a gentle experience. Not tonight. She wanted him hard and fast. Wrapping her ankles around his lower back and resting her heels on his ass, she rammed herself down onto his erect cock. As if he needed no further invitation, he pounded into her repeatedly. The sense of fullness coupled with the rhythmic jolting against her clit—at last—had her at a fever pitch in seconds.
All the tensions of the night left her. It was only about her, Tony, and this brief moment in time.
In a matter of seconds, the familiar buildup began. She’d hoped to last a little longer in case Tony needed more time, but she couldn’t hold back. “Tony! I’m coming!”
“Right there with you.” Oh, thank God! “Explode for me, Carmella!”
He buried his face into the curve between her neck and shoulder and increased his rhythm until she screamed her release.
He truly was right there too. “Oh God! Yes, Carmella! Give it all to me!”
His words gave her an immense sense of power, even though she was totally out of control at the moment. Her body convulsed with aftershocks. Carm held onto him tightly as he took his own pleasure then buried her face into his wet hair.
He seemed to want the prolonged contact too and didn’t release her for several minutes. Carm felt a closeness to Tony she hadn’t experienced before, even with him. She didn’t want him to let go and return to his bed, leaving her for another lonely night in paradise.
All too soon, he straightened up and searched her eyes. Slowly he eased out of her and she slid her legs down until she stood on her own. Carm grabbed another washcloth and cleaned him this time, neither of them saying a word. When finished, she turned off the water, but Tony didn’t seem in any hurry to leave the shower and return to his bedroom.
Alone.
While not the first time they’d made love in the shower this week, something had changed tonight. There was an intensity to Tony she hadn’t felt before. Perhaps it had to do with the fact they’d part ways on Monday when they returned to their separate homes. That thought put a damper on what they’d just shared.
Tony remained silent afterward, as if on the verge of saying something, but he didn’t speak right away. She waited, not sure what was going on and not wanting to say the wrong thing.
“Carmella?”
“Yes?”
“Would you…I mean, could I…”
What was up?
“Would it be okay with you if I slept beside you tonight? I mean, actually sleeping the whole night together?”
I thought you’d never ask.
Carm’s heart leaped for joy. Something really had changed in Tony. She wasn’t sure what or why but didn’t want to jinx it by asking. “I’d like that a lot.”
His body relaxed as if he’d anticipated a negative response. Why would he think she wouldn’t welcome him in her bed for more than sex? Surely he’d slept—not just had sex, but had actually fallen asleep—with women before her.
So why did this seem like such a monumental step for him?
Chapter Thirty-Two
Dressed only in his boxer briefs, Tony returned from his room to find Carm sitting propped up against the pillows. A sheet covered her legs, but he knew the nightie she wore was short and sexy because he’d seen it that first night when she’d stripped for him by the pool. The silky fabric hugged her breasts. Normally, that sight alone would have him ready for action, but tonight his nerves got the better of him.
Carmella patted the mattress beside her, and he crossed the room, lifted the sheet, and crawled in. You’d think he was a dead man walking. He stayed at the edge of the king-sized bed, prompting her to quip, “You can move closer. I won’t bite—unless you ask nicely.” Her naughty grin failed to have the desired effect. Even if she wanted to have sex again tonight, that clearly wasn’t going to happen until Tony got over his apprehension.
Of course, if they made love all night, he wouldn’t have to risk falling asleep and all his worries about nightmares would be over. Unfortunately, that would deprive Carmella of sleep, and he wouldn’t do that.
With a sigh he didn’t mean to let out, he settled himself in the middle of the bed next to her. She laid her head on his chest and draped an arm over his abdomen. Her trust in him, and the fact that she sought solace in his arms, made him feel ten feet high. Now he needed to prove he had equal trust in her.
He curled onto his side and placed his arm around her back, pulling her closer to him.
“I can’t tell you how much I’ve wanted you to spend the night with me this week. I couldn’t figure out why you kept returning to your room each night after we made love.”
This is the perfect opening. Talk to her.
Showing weakness to anyone was difficult for Tony, but his machismo got in the way when he was around women. But Carmella was no ordinary woman. He didn’t want her to think him less of a man, so if Tony wanted to pursue Carmella after they went home, he’d have to step outside his comfort zone and admit his vulnerability to her.
Now’s the time.
His hand brushed the soft skin of her shoulder as he searched for the words. “I, um, need to share something with you.” He wasn’t quite ready to tell her about seeing a therapist—afraid she’d think he’d been some kind of basket case—but he wanted to open up about how he’d known what to do tonight. While some had come from his firefighter and EMT training and his recent rescue diving class, the breathing technique had been Lisa’s teaching.
As the silence dragged on, she stiffened, as if dreading some bad news.
“You know you can say anything to me at this point, Tony.”
Do I? Okay, yeah, I do. “You showed a lot of courage during the dive tonight, Carmella.”
She lifted her head to meet his gaze. “Seriously? I panicked and nearly drowned myself as a result.”
“Momentary panic, sure, but it didn’t take you long to get your fears under control.”
“Thanks to you.”
He glanced away to recapture his train of thought before reconnecting with her again. “The point I’m trying to make is that you faced your fears by continuing the dive rather tha
n abandoning it. That took a lot of courage and perseverance.”
“I did that because you were beside me helping me through it.”
“When I saw you were in distress, I did what I had to do in order to help you through it.”
“And I appreciate that you knew what to do.”
Now—or never.
“Carm, there are times…when I’ve become almost paralyzed with my own fears, so I understand. Especially after…”
Tell her.
Carm had hinted earlier in the week that she was aware of the incident at the river, although he hadn’t wanted to discuss it with her to see how much she knew.
Carmella searched his eyes, waiting for him to spill it.
I’m not sure I can.
Just do it, for fuck’s sake!
“After that bad call in June that you heard about, I struggled. A lot.” He swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry. “Instead of dealing with what happened, I crawled into a bottle to numb myself to what I was feeling.”
Admitting his failure as a firefighter made his heart squeeze tight. Before saying anything more, he waited for her to pass judgment on him.
But she nodded instead. “I can’t imagine what you go through when things go wrong like that. It wouldn’t surprise me that you’d want to block out the horror of it all.”
“Maybe, but I can’t afford to be at less than one hundred percent on a call.” Tony turned away. “My job is to protect people. If I don’t show up and stay alert, I’m no good to anyone, especially the people I took an oath to serve and protect.”
Could he tell her?
After a few moments of silence, she said, “Go on.”
“I screwed up on the job last week. That’s the reason I’m off work this week. Mandatory leave to get my head on straight.” He told her about the woman and child stuck in the ditch and how he’d frozen, flashing back to the river incident.
“Have you been able to talk with anyone who’s been through a similar experience?”
Tony nodded, remembering the intervention at Angelina’s café. “Rafe and my lieutenant told me about some of their bad calls and how they haunted them for a long time. I never even knew my brother was going through anything like that, so he must have handled it better.” Although he hadn’t been around Rafe much then. Would Tony have noticed a change if he had been?
TONY: Slow Burn (Raging Fire Book 1) Page 30