“I feel guilty,” she admits. “I’m engaged to your brother.”
“You’re fake engaged to my brother. And he’s gay. I don’t think there’s a tremendous conflict of interest.” I’m not sure if I’m trying to convince her or myself. I admit I feel a little uncomfortable about us being together too. If anyone ever found out it could completely destroy my brother’s campaign and my family members would be destroyed right along with it.
“No one will ever find out,” I assure her. “We’re in a locked room. It’s only me and you. We’ll make sure that we leave at different times. I don’t want to hurt my brother or his campaign, but I can’t stay away from you. I’m drawn to you like a moth to a flame.”
She gives me her tiny grin. “That never works out too well for the moth.”
I carefully place my hands on her face. “It will be okay. I promise. Do you want to be with me?”
I hold my breath while I wait for her response. I haven’t thought this through enough to know what I’ll do if she says she doesn’t want me.
Luckily for me she nods. “I do want you, Austin…”
“But?” I hear that inherent word lingering in the air.
She heaves a sigh. “Someone always finds out. It’s nearly impossible to keep something like this a secret. Other people are always able to tell even when the two people involved think they’re hiding it.”
I narrow my gaze at her. “You seem to be speaking from personal experience.”
“Before my mom left my dad she had an affair. She obviously thought she was hiding it, but everyone knew. It was the talk of the town. My sister and I were eight at the time, and even we could figure it out.”
I want to tell her I don’t care if people find out, but part of me does. The small part of me that’s still trying to please my parents.
“I’m not sure I can handle not being with you,” I admit. “I feel like whatever this is between us is only going to get stronger. I already feel like it’s killing me not to kiss you right now.”
“I don’t want to be responsible for killing you.” She laughs. Not quite the carefree laugh that I love so much. This laugh is laced with a bit of discomfort.
I don’t wait for her to change her mind. I kiss her like I’ve never kissed anyone before. Slowly at first, giving our lips a chance to get reacquainted. Then I deepen the kiss. Mazzy responds to every one of my movements as if we’re part of a perfectly choreographed dance.
I’m so turned on it’s taking every ounce of restraint I have not to rip her clothes off. I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I want Mazzy.
“Do you want to slow down?” I scan her eyes for any more signs of hesitancy. All I see is desire.
When she shakes her head I devour her lips, her tongue, her teeth. I want to possess every part of her mouth before I move on to other parts of her body.
This time Mazzy doesn’t express any hesitation. Her lips melt into mine.
I can feel my dick swell and all I can think about is taking Mazzy on that giant guest bed right behind us. I move my hands down her body and brush my thumbs over her already erect nipples which are poking out of the thin fabric of her cocktail dress.
She quivers in response.
I make my way down her body and then slip my hand under her dress. Her silk panties are already damp with desire and that turns me on even more.
When she whispers, “I need to tell you something,” my heart skips a few beats and I feel like I can’t breathe. My mind races imagining all of the things that she could possibly tell me, like STDs or maybe a child she gave up for adoption.
Knowing my brother he did a very thorough background check before he selected her to be his fake fiancée. But we haven’t had any of the discussions you’re supposed to have before you’re intimate with someone, all the past history of former lovers and medical records, all the stuff that could easily put a damper on the flames that are quickly igniting between us.
I made sure to get regular check-ups while I was travelling through Europe and always used condoms. I don’t think I would be putting Mazzy at too great of a risk. And I convince myself that whatever she has to say can’t be that bad. I want her so badly whatever she has to say will have to be truly awful for me to not have sex with her right now.
She swallows, like she’s trying to get down a huge lump and that makes me even more nervous. Maybe it is something truly awful: AIDS or Hepatitis. But I just can’t imagine that.
When she looks up at me her blue eyes look moist like she might cry. “I—um—I don’t know how to say this so I’m going to just spit it out. I’ve never actually had sex before.”
It takes a few seconds for that to sink in, but I still say, “What?” because I want to make sure I heard her correctly.
She looks absolutely pained at having to repeat it. “I haven’t had sex. Intercourse.”
“How old are you?” The question escapes my lips before I can stop it. She looks like I just slapped her and I want to punch myself for being such an asshole.
“I’m twenty-two,” she just about manages to get out before she starts to cry.
I don’t think I could have fucked this up anymore if I tried.
When I pull her into an embrace I let out a small sigh of relief that she allows me to hold her and doesn’t push me away.
“I’m so sorry,” I tell her. “I guess I just wasn’t expecting you to say that.”
“Why? Do you think there’s something wrong with me?”
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” I assure her. “It’s just…you’re so beautiful…I guess I never imagined that you weren’t sexually active.”
“I just never had enough time to get close to anyone before. My sister and I have been working in restaurants since we were sixteen. It’s hard work. Mostly at night and on the weekends. That’s when most guys want to date. I had a boyfriend in high school, but I guess I just wasn’t ready to go all the way with him. And I just haven’t had the time or energy to date much since then.”
As badly as I want to be with Mazzy it doesn’t seem right that her first time should be like this. But I also don’t want her to think that I want her any less because of her revelation. If anything I want her even more. The fact that she’d even consider me to be her first is not a decision that I take lightly. It’s an honor.
I give her a light, tender kiss. Then I stroke her cheek with my thumb. “You really want me to be your first?”
She bites her bottom lip then nods.
“Why me?”
We look at each other for a long moment and I can feel the strong draw between us. It’s an attraction so intense that it’s almost beyond words. Well any words that I can come up with anyway.
“You’re different than anyone I’ve ever met. I meet a lot of guys tending bar, but you’re different. You’re rugged on the outside, but I can tell you really care about people. You’ve got a big heart on the inside.”
“I’m glad you think so.” I want to laugh, but I also don’t want her to be embarrassed. I’ve never been accused of having a big heart before. Women in my past have been more likely to refer to me as heartless. But I’ve also never felt the way I feel about Mazzy with any other woman. I have an overwhelming urge to hold her, and protect her, and comfort her and keep her safe. And with that also comes an overwhelming impulse to hurt anyone who would hurt her or threaten her.
And I have absolutely no idea where all of these urges are coming from. I’ve never had the desire to take care of anyone but myself, and even that wasn’t very often. But taking care of Mazzy feels like one of my reasons for being, and discovering that is a revelation. As if I’ve finally uncovered the meaning of life—or of my life anyway—is to be with Mazzy.
When she glances up at me her eyes are wide. “Do you still want to be with me?”
“Of course.” I kiss the tip of her nose. “But not like this. I want to make it special for you.”
She looks at me warily. “And just how are you goi
ng to do that? We’re not supposed to be together at all.”
“I’ll think of something,” I assure her.
“Do you still want to make out?” she teases.
I rub her cheek. “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea. I know I’ll want more. And you deserve a lot more than this.” I point to the guest bed.
She shrugs. “It looks pretty nice to me. A lot better than my little single bed in the tiny apartment I share with my sister.”
I kiss her. A long, desire-filled kiss. She seems to be filled with a yearning of her own as her body responds to my touch. I can see she’s trembling and her cheeks flush. As her lips part I move in for another kiss…
We’re both startled by a knocking on the guest bedroom door. Mazzy takes in a sharp breath and her eyes are as wide as mine feel.
“I wonder who it is,” she whispers.
“I have no idea,” I whisper back.
My heart begins to race when the knocking persists, but we don’t have any choice but to answer it. I’m not that surprised to see Drew standing outside the door when I open it.
“Have you seen Mazzy?” His voice sounds a little frantic like he’s been searching for her for a while.
I’ve never lied to my brother or to anyone in my family for that matter. I’m usually a straight shooter when it comes to speaking my mind. But I don’t want to embarrass Mazzy or get her in trouble.
Before I have a chance to lie to protect her Mazzy steps right beside me and says, “What do you want, Drew?”
To say my brother looks shocked would be an understatement. His face actually turns sheet white he’s so surprised. He looks back and forth between the two of us for a few long moments as if he’s trying to assess what’s going on between us.
“I—um—I—” My brother is rarely at a loss for words, but this seems to have him stumped. There’s not a single way in which I’ve ever been better than my brother. He’s always been smarter, better looking, and more successful at everything from sports to music to being liked. I’m sure he’s having a difficult time wrapping his head around the fact that Mazzy left his side to spend time with me.
When she pushes past me and takes her place next to Drew it nearly kills me. Even though I know that nothing romantic is going on or ever will go on between the two of them it still hurts when he takes her hand in his.
Drew clears his throat and he’s finally able to say, “Mom and Dad have called for a toast to us.”
Mazzy nods, but her expression is completely neutral. And it cuts deep when she won’t look at me. Not even a glance or a sneak peek. Nothing.
I’m not surprised that my brother doesn’t ask any questions. It’s almost like he doesn’t want to know. He’s content as long as Mazzy is there by his side for the photos and speeches. She just has to look pretty, smile and pretend to be his happy fiancée.
I wonder if he even knows anything about her other than her dress size, or if he even cares.
I follow them as they head towards the formal staircase. I’m surprised when I’m struck with jealously over a stupid staircase. But I am. He gets to march down the giant showpiece with Mazzy at his side for the world to admire while I’m relegated to sneaking her up the back stairs, afraid of being seen.
But I’m not the one running for governor. I’m not the celebrity. I’m the one who gets mentioned in the paper as Drew’s younger brother, if I’m mentioned at all.
Once the toast is made and all of the guests have their chance to wish the new couple all the best I breathe a sigh of relief when the crowds start to disperse.
I’m not sure how much more of seeing Mazzy and my brother arm in arm I can take.
“I’m so proud of you.” My dad pats Drew on the back. “And we’re thrilled to have you as a part of our family,” he says to Mazzy.
My mom gives her an uncomfortable hug. She’s never been very affectionate, so even this hug, as awkward as it is, means she must really like Mazzy. This is both comforting and disconcerting at the same time. Would she like Mazzy as much if I was the one who brought her home to meet Mom and dad?
“It’s not too early to start thinking about wedding venues. I’ve heard that many of the nicer spots are booked a year or more in advance.”
I notice Mazzy glance in Drew’s direction. Her eye is twitching slightly. Maybe the lying is already getting to her.
Of course it doesn’t rattle my brother one bit. “Let’s wait until after the election to start planning the wedding. It’s still a very tight race and we’ve got to put all of our energy into winning.”
“You’re right,” my mother concedes. But her pursed lips seem to indicate that she’s not too happy about it. “I just don’t want you to wait too long to tie the knot.”
And there’s the kicker. After all this time waiting for her beloved son to finally bring home a mate she doesn’t want Drew to let her get away. Little does she know…
When my mom pulls Mazzy aside I make an effort to stand as close as possible without being completely obtrusive. But I need to hear what she’s saying.
“We don’t have to wait until after the election to start looking at wedding dresses. You and I could have lunch next week and visit a few shops.”
Mazzy looks about as happy as a death row inmate on her way to the electric chair. Not that I can blame her. I wouldn’t want to spend an entire afternoon with my mother, and she gave birth to me.
It takes every ounce of restraint I have not to pull Mazzy into my arms and tell her everything is going to be alright. But is it? I don’t even know anymore. I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that this lie is going to grow to epic proportions and then explode all over us, leaving nothing but heartache in the rubble.
Seven
Mazzy
“You need to help me,” I yell frantically into my cellphone.
“Mazzy?” My sister’s voice is groggy with sleep. “What time is it?”
I glance at the clock on the nightstand. “Eleven.”
“Why are you calling so late?”
“I’m sorry. I just got back from the engagement party. If you could call it that. It was more like a press conference with bad food. The catering company they hired really sucked. But that’s beside the point. I need some kind of excuse not to have to go wedding dress shopping with my future mother-in-law. She scares the hell out of me and I don’t want to be alone with her. Not to mention the fact that there’s not even really going to be a wedding.”
“Okay, slow down. You have a genuine excuse. Harley’s baby shower. Did you forget?”
“Oh, my God. I can’t believe I forgot. We have like one friend. How could I forget her shower?”
“You obviously have a lot on your mind with the fake engagement.”
“This is why I never lie. One lie always leads to another and then it becomes impossible to keep them all straight.”
“And I’m sure it doesn’t help that you’ve got a major crush on your fiancé’s brother.”
I shift awkwardly where I’m standing. I’m not sure how to respond to that. It’s turning into a lot more than a crush and it’s a huge problem.
“Mazzy? What are you not telling me?”
I heave a deep sigh. “I almost slept with him.”
“No!” she screams so loud that I have to move the phone away from my ear. “We need that money. You cannot…I repeat…CANNOT…have sex with Austin Graham. Everyone will find out. You know it’s inevitable.”
Sleeping with him is probably just as inevitable, but I don’t tell my sister that. So I change the subject instead. “What time is Harley’s shower?”
“Three o’clock. Don’t forget. And I already got a present from both of us. A very nice one. We could afford it with the fake engagement money. That’s why you need to smile, look pretty, be a good fiancée and stay away from Austin.”
“Yes, Sir,” I tease. “Do you have any other orders for me?”
“Just one thing. Don’t wear a pink headband.”
***
Haymakers never changes. The country bar has been in the Wilde family for generations and it’s one of the few places in Old Town where people can go for entertainment. Stepping inside the place is like stepping back in time. I swear there are several bottles of alcohol behind that bar that haven’t been moved in fifty years.
One thing that has changed, though, is that there are men behind the bar serving drinks and they’re not Wilde brothers. Jake Wilde, the oldest Wilde brother and bar manager, rarely hires anyone he can’t have a quick fling with in the back room. And he always had a preference for well-built blondes, just like Harley. I guess he really is a changed man since they got married.
As soon as I spot Harley I take in a sharp breath when she turns around and exposes a very pregnant belly. It’s obviously been a while since I’ve seen her because she’s huge and absolutely glowing.
Suzie and I have known Harley since high school and she’s always had a reputation of being a tough girl who you didn’t want to cross. I’ve never seen her look so soft and completely serene.
But her newfound peace only lasts a few seconds before she grabs what looks like a newspaper from one of the tables and marches over to me.
She opens the paper and practically shoves it in my face. “Care to explain this?”
My face is plastered on the front page of the paper with a headline: Sorry, Ladies. New Jersey’s Most Eligible Bachelor is Off the Market.
“I—um …”
She doesn’t wait for me to continue. “How is it possible that you got engaged and I didn’t even know you were dating?”
I swallow the lump in my throat. For the first time in my life I’m actually glad that Suzie and I were never popular and that we don’t have friends. This is probably the only time I’ll have to go through this scenario.
Then it occurs to me that I should have probably at least phoned my dad. He reads the paper every morning with his coffee and donut.
“Everything happened so fast,” I explain. “It was a whirlwind romance.”
“Is Drew Graham as hot as they say he is?” she asks.
I nod. Truth be told all I can think about is how hot Austin is, but I also know that kind of thinking will only get me in trouble. “We’re not here to talk about me,” I say in an attempt to change the subject. “We’re here to talk about you and the baby.”
Another Mazzy Monday Page 9