Letters From Grace

by C. J. Carmichael

  “Maybe I’d want to. But I hope I wouldn’t. You have no business interfering in my life, especially not behind my back.”

  “I just want you to be happy. To find someone who will give you the love you deserve. You know her career will always come first for Grace.”

  “Why are you so intimidated by Grace’s success? Are you afraid she’ll lure me away from Woodland, and the store, and you and Dad?”

  His mother sank back into her chair, wounded. “You make me sound so selfish. But you know you could never be happy living the sort of live that Grace lives.”

  Her certainty floored him, and he recalled his conversation with Grace, how she’d accused his parents of narrowing his options on purpose. He’d defended them then, but now he wondered. If his parents had left the choice entirely up to him, would he have followed his heart—and Grace—to New York?

  He’d never know the answer. And he was okay with that. He’d made a good life for himself and he could never regret any path that had led to his daughter.

  “At thirty-eight I’m capable of figuring out for myself what kind of life I want. As for Jessica, I want her to have choices that I never had. So I’m asking you, Mom, get on board with the college plan, okay?”

  “But Jessie loves working at the general store!”

  “Right now she does. But who knows how she’ll think after she graduates college.”

  “Which is exactly why she shouldn’t go. She doesn’t even want to.”

  Levi had never been so frustrated with his mother. He took a deep breath, reminding himself that his mother was only acting this way because she loved them. And she was afraid.

  “I’m going to miss Jessie too,” he said softly. “But we have to let her fledge the nest. If she comes back after four years, great. If not, that’ll be great, too, because she’ll be doing what makes her happy.”

  His mother scowled at him. “I don’t like it. But I see your point.” She sighed and then her features sank with regret. “Did we ruin your life, your father and me, by expecting you to take over the store?”

  “No way. I’m not saying that. I’m just asking you to trust me—and my daughter—to make our own decisions.”

  “Are you—thinking of making changes?”

  He could see the worry in her furrowed brow and hear it in her voice. With his father’s new health issues, no doubt she was feeling vulnerable. “Whatever choices I make, I’ll always be there for you and Dad. You don’t have to worry about that.”

  *

  When Levi got home, he was disappointed Jessie wasn’t back from school yet. He checked his phone and saw that she was going to be at cross-country training for another hour. He’d bought an unbaked lasagna from the store, so he turned on the oven. While waiting for it to heat, he paced the house, unable to relax.

  It was fine for him to be all noble and talk about Jess being free to make her own choices. But what was his own life going to look like once she was gone? What if she did decide to live somewhere else after graduation? Was he prepared for that?

  Jessica was growing up, but instead of embracing the opportunity for a new stage in his life, he was retreating into the shell of the old. Woodland, the store, his parents. It was a life that had been perfect when he was raising his daughter.

  But what about the future? He’d lashed out at Grace when she invited him to Costa Rica. Could it be that he’d simply been afraid? With Jess out of the nest, he now had the opportunity to make bolder choices for himself than he had when he was a young man. If he was brave enough.

  He went to Jess’s room and stood at the doorway. She still had her favorite stories from childhood on her bookshelf. The Giving Tree and Charlotte’s Web right next to the Three Dark Crowns series. On her desk were the trophies she’d won at track and field and cross-country, while a huge bulletin board over her desk held pictures of her friends, ticket stubs from plays and concerts, the postcards his parents had sent her while on their RV adventures.

  The room was like a time capsule of the first eighteen years of Jessica’s life, during which he’d played the starring role as her father. He would be relegated to supporting actor in the next eighteen years, and that—as he’d made such a point of explaining to his mother—was as it should be.

  A chime from the kitchen signaled the oven had reached the required three hundred and fifty degrees. He was about to go put the lasagna inside, when he saw something strangely familiar. He turned back to his daughter’s desk.

  A faded old shoebox was sitting next to her trophies, under a stack of books. The brand name was from a store that had been out of business for at least ten years. He slid the box out from under the books and checked the labeling on the side. Men’s Size 10.

  This had been his shoebox, and he could picture exactly the shoes that had once been inside. Black, leather brogues he’d bought for his senior graduation. He’d replaced the soles two times on those shoes before he’d finally thrown them out. But the box he’d used for something else.

  Letters. Grace’s letters.

  Slowly he removed the lid. And there they were. A stack of letters, the top one with his first-year address written in Grace’s hand. But why did Jess have them? He took a closer look at the books that had been on top of the box and then realized what must have happened.

  When she was digging through the attic for the yearbooks, she’d found these letters. Come to think of it, that was also the day she’d asked him if he had any old girlfriends.

  He picked up the box and carried it out to the kitchen. After putting the lasagna into the oven, he sat down and pulled out all the letters.

  He couldn’t remember whether it was his idea or Grace’s to send each other letters by snail mail when they could already communicate by phone and messaging. Grace had wanted him to include sketches in his letters. And he’d just liked the idea of holding a piece of paper in his hands that had recently been touched by her.

  Corny and old-fashioned. But oh how excited he’d been on the days when a letter from her came in the mail.

  At first they’d exchanged letters at least every week. As time passed and their workloads grew heavier, a bit more time passed between them. Until that awful day when Grace had written to him suggesting they be free to see other people.

  He’d written a response that he’d never mailed, and he found it now at the very bottom of the stack. Still sealed. So that was one letter, at least, that his daughter hadn’t read.

  Grace hadn’t sent any more letters after that, and neither had he. Just thinking back on that time made Levi sorrowful. He pushed the letters aside and went to the fridge to grab salad fixings. He paused before the door, as dots began connecting in his mind.

  Grace’s fascination with his fridge art—in particular the photos of his daughter.

  Jess’s trip to New York, a mere week before Grace herself turned up in Woodland.

  And, of course, the box of Grace’s letters on Jess’s desk.

  *

  Jess had put off going home for as long as she could. But at ten minutes past seven—their usual dinnertime—she finally trudged home from the library where she’d been going through the motions of studying.

  She understood that her dad was worried about her. But talking about Max wasn’t going to solve anything. In fact, it only made her feel worse.

  “Sorry I’m a bit late,” she called out as she hung up her jacket and removed her shoes. She set her backpack on a chair, then went to the kitchen sink to wash her hands.

  The rich scents of Italian meat sauce and melted cheese hung in the air. In normal times her mouth would be watering. Her dad was already sitting at the table, where he’d placed a huge bowl of salad. She looked around for signs of the main course, then realized it was still in the oven.

  She peeked inside and saw one of the awesome lasagnas they sold at the store, the top deliciously browned and bubbling. “Is this ready? Should I pull it out?”

  Realizing he hadn’t said a word since she
came in, she turned to her dad. His hands were folded on the table and his eyes—which were trained on her—seemed sad and disappointed. She glanced back at the table. She’d seen something that didn’t belong…

  And then she spotted the shoebox.

  Oh no. Why hadn’t she put that back in the attic? At first she’d been too lazy. Then too preoccupied with what was going on with Max.

  “Dinner will keep,” her dad said, his tone frighteningly serious. “Let’s talk about this first.” He pushed the box of letters to the forefront.

  Jess hung back, leaning against the counter. The ache she’d been carrying inside herself for days now was suddenly a caldron of anxiety. She couldn’t remember seeing her dad like this before, so serious and disappointed.

  “I’m sorry for looking at your letters. But I didn’t read the…private parts.”

  “They were all private parts. But let’s leave your trespassing on my privacy to the side for now. What did you do after reading these letters? Please tell me you didn’t contact Grace. That you—my daughter—are not the reason she decided to come to the Woodland Autumn Foliage Festival this year.”

  “I—may have been.” She felt like she’d drunk a potion that had made her ten inches tall. She dropped her gaze to the floorboards and added, “Actually, I’m sure I was.”

  “That trip you and Max made to New York…?”

  She felt an extra pang, remembering how supportive Max had been, even though he’d been—wisely it turned out—against her plan. That had been one of the last times she could remember things being normal and good between the two of them.

  But now she had even more problems to worry about, and these were all her fault. “I arranged to interview Grace. I told her it was for a school project on women who rose to the top of their careers.”

  “And was that true?”

  “Not really. Though I did do a report on her latest book for my American literature class.”

  “Why did you do it, Jess? What did you want from Grace?”

  “This is going to sound stupid. I thought it seemed like you and Grace had a real connection. And I guess I hoped that if I could get her back to Woodland, the two of you would meet up again and, maybe, fall in love.”

  Her father stared at her. Dumb stricken.

  “It didn’t take me long to see it was a stupid plan. Grandma told me how Grace broke your heart when you were in college. And then I realized I was just setting you up to be hurt again. And it happened, didn’t it? She was here and everything was wonderful and now she’s gone and you’re alone again… I really am sorry, Dad.”

  Her father shook his head slowly, as if in disbelief that his own daughter could sink so low. “I hope you understand what it is you should be sorry for. The condition of my heart and whether or not I feel alone isn’t it.”

  She swallowed hard, but her throat still felt dry.

  “You should be sorry you read my letters. Sorry you lied to me about your reasons for going to New York. Sorry for arranging a meeting with Grace under false pretenses. Those are the things you should be sorry for.” There was a moment’s silence, then he added, “I still can’t believe you did any of those things. To say I’m disappointed is a real understatement.”

  Tears began leaking from the corners of her eyes. This time she forced herself to look directly at her dad. “It was all my idea. Max tried to talk me out of it. He only came along to New York because he didn’t want me traveling alone.”

  “That shows some sense on Max’s part.”

  Her tears were now streaming down her cheeks. She’d thought she’d felt miserable before but letting down her dad was the worst. “What can I do to make this right?”

  “You need to confess everything to Grace and apologize. Not by phone call or email, either. This is something you have to do face-to-face.”

  It would be humiliating and awful, but Jess could see that he was right. “So…you want me to go back to New York?”

  “Yes. Only this time, I’m coming with you.”

  Nov 20, 1999

  New York University

  Dear Levi,

  I just got your letter and I’m writing you back right away. I think I understand what you mean about “reading between the lines.” Some things are hard to say, especially when you’ve been friends as long as you and I have. We always knew a long-distance relationship would be hard. Especially with all the temptations and distractions of college life. Maybe it’s time we took a step back, agreed to date other people? Tell your mom and dad thanks for the invite, but I’ll be staying in New York for the holidays. I have a lot of work to do.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Torn up with anxiety Grace paced the length of her living room as she waited for Levi and his daughter to arrive Saturday afternoon. In his text message setting up the visit Levi hadn’t provided any explanation of its purpose.

  Had he changed his mind about the possibility of a relationship between them? Maybe even about coming on the Costa Rica trip? Surely the fact that he wanted her to meet his daughter was a good sign.

  That was what Grace hoped during her more optimistic moments.

  The more realistic option was that he’d uncovered Jess’s deception. But then why come here? Did he somehow blame Grace for being taken in by his daughter?

  Grace checked the time. Two more hours to go. Her emails had piled up during the time she’d spent in Woodland, and she had a bunch of post-production work to do on her Woodland photos, but she couldn’t focus on either of those right now. She changed out of her forest-green blouse into a dark wine one. Then checked the time again. She hated that one man had the power to turn her into a dithering mess. But that seemed to be the case.

  She tried to lose herself in a game of online chess. When that didn’t work, she sorted her laundry and threw in a load.

  Finally the buzzer announcing a guest at the door sounded. She pressed the code allowing entrance, then opened her door. Looking down the narrow staircase, she spotted Harvey putting on his gloves to go out. The snoop. She’d told him about Levi and Jess’s impending visit. He’d probably been watching out his window for their arrival.

  “I’m not introducing you to them, Harvey.” She crossed her arms over her chest.

  “Pardon me? I’m just stepping out to do some shopping.”

  “Right.” She watched as he timed his exit for the exact moment Levi and Jess were stepping in.

  “Good afternoon,” Harvey said. Once they had passed, he turned to give Grace a wink, before proceeding out to the street.

  Joy fluttered inside her as her gaze locked with Levi’s. He looked so good in his thick sweater and jeans and tan pull-on boots. So handsome and wholesome and utterly Levi. But the grim set of his mouth, and Jess’s obvious trepidation, confirmed Grace’s suspicion about the purpose of their visit.

  This wasn’t going to be fun.

  She toned down her smile. “Come on up,” she invited, stepping back to make room.

  Jess barely made eye contact on her way inside. From her sheepish demeanor it was clear she’d been busted. When Levi paused at the door, Grace watched him take in her apartment with one long sweeping glance. She wondered what he thought. Her place was so very different than his.

  But all he said was, “Thanks for making time to see us.”

  Did he think there was a chance she wouldn’t? “Of course.”

  “Jess wants to talk to you privately. When she’s finished, shoot me a text. I’ll be waiting outside.”

  And then he left.

  Stunned by his cool abruptness, she turned to Jess. “Nice to see you again, Rae.”

  Jessica flushed. “I’m sorry I used that fake name. You must have been so mad when Dad told you who I really was.”

  “He didn’t tell me. I figured it out last weekend when I was at your house and saw your photos on the fridge.” Grace waved a hand to the cream-colored leather sofa. “So how did your father find out?”

  Jess perched on the edge of th
e sofa, wrapping her arms around her knees. “I stupidly left the box with your letters on my desk. When he saw that, he figured out the rest. Why didn’t you say anything to my dad when you recognized my photos on the fridge?”

  “I didn’t want to be the one to bust you. But I’m awfully curious. Why did you hide your identity from me? And why did want me to come to Woodland?”

  “It seems childish now. And foolish. But I was hoping if I could bring you and my dad together, you’d fall in love again. He’s been alone ever since my mom died. And I could tell by your letters—even though I only read a few bits of them—that you two had something special.”

  “That was a long time ago. And those letters were private.”

  Jess’s bottom lip trembled. “I’m sorry I read them. Sorry I lied to you.” She dropped her gaze to the floor. “I only wanted to make Dad happy, but instead I’ve done the absolute opposite. Plus, I disappointed him. And, well, I’ve disappointed myself too. I should have listened to Max when he tried to talk me out of this.”

  So the boyfriend hadn’t been complicit. Grace had been wondering about that. “It’s a hard thing, to admit when we’re wrong. So I thank you for doing that, Jessica.”

  “Can you forgive me?”

  “I can and I do. In some ways you did me a favor by inviting me back to my hometown. It was good for me to see the place again. I see it a lot differently now than when I was young.”

  “Woodland must seem so small and boring now?”

  “Actually, the opposite. I was one of those kids who was dying to grow up and travel the world. I don’t think I appreciated the beauty of Woodland or the fact that I was lucky to go to high school there.” She paused to take a deep breath. “I’m also glad I got to see your dad again. He’s a special guy, and you’re right, we had a tight bond. Unfortunately, in our case, that bond just wasn’t enough.”

  *

  As Levi paced the block in front of the brownstone where Grace lived, he distracted himself by imagining what it would be like to live here. First he’d have to get used to all the people. Even at two thirty—a quiet time in Woodland with most kids in school and adults working—there was a constant parade. Parents holding the hands of young children, professional types with glazed expressions and Bluetooth earbuds, older folks pushing small shopping carts, and dog owners strolling with their leashed pooches.