by Anne Bennett
‘Shall I make some tea?’ Maria said suddenly. ‘There’s always some things kept in the cupboard in the kitchen place and I could boil the kettle on the stove, though I’m not sure if there’s milk?’
Did he want tea? He didn’t know. Would tea help the cold, dead feeling inside him? ‘That would be nice,’ he found himself saying.
So Maria busied herself and found milk that the cold weather had kept fresh. She asked no questions till the tea was made and poured, biscuits laid on a plate. Then she said, ‘Now, tell me?’
Scalding as it was, Greg took a gulp of the tea, hoping it might steady his nerves. It didn’t and he swallowed deeply before saying, ‘This is hard for me, Maria, so hard. Before I realised that you felt as I had felt for years, that we’re as one, in love, I went out with another. A girl called Nancy Dempsey.’
So that was it. In seconds, Maria was out of her seat and on her knees before Greg. She held his hands in hers and said, ‘Greg, darling, I don’t care about your past. You could have had a hundred girls and I’d not be a whit interested in any one of them. What I care about is here and now, you and me and our future together.’
‘But that’s it!’ Greg cried desperately. ‘We have no future together.’
He watched as the realisation of his words took hold, sank into Maria’s mind. He saw the blood drain from her face, leaving it as white as lint, her eyes two pools of confused pain. ‘What…what do you mean, Greg? What…what are you saying? Please, please don’t say these hurtful things.’
Greg knew Maria was having difficulty even breathing.
And her eyes…Oh God. He closed his own, but it didn’t help. He still saw her look of betrayal. ‘Dear Christ,’ he cried, ‘do you think I want to say such things? Enjoy hurting you, hurting myself this way?’
‘Then why…?’
‘Listen,’ Greg said. Maria had snatched her hands away and he took hold of them again, massaging her fingers with his own as he went on, ‘I would willingly give my life in exchange for yours and think it an honour. You are the first and last person I will ever love, for I will never, ever feel this way again. And yet, Maria, I must marry another.’
Maria gave a cry and snatched her hands away. One hand was before her mouth, the other folded around her chest as she sat down in the chair. Pain such as she’d never experienced before filled her body and she felt her heart—the heart she’d given to Greg—shatter into a million pieces.
‘I have no choice,’ Greg cried helplessly. ‘Nancy carries my child.’
Now she understood. Greg, her Greg, had to be given to another. ‘She is already five months gone,’ Greg said, anxious that Maria knew it had been over before they declared their love for one another, before that first leave in October. ‘And she’d had to be beaten quite severely before she would tell her father my name.’ Maria seemed incapable of speech, so Greg went on, ‘It is mine, Maria. I cannot deny it and I cannot desert her. What life would she have if I did that?’
Maria knew everything Greg said was true. The facts were like little hammers battering inside her head.
‘Do you hate me, Maria?’
‘I feel nothing for you,’ Maria said flatly. ‘My heart is broken.’
‘I know,’ Greg said. ‘And mine too. Saying I am sorry is so inadequate, but I am sorry. You’d not believe how sorry I am. And though I must stand by Nancy and give her and the child my name, she will never have my love, or my heart. That belongs to you.’
Maria looked at Greg and wondered if he thought that made a difference. There was no point in talking any more. The talking was over now; to prolong it was pointless.
‘I think you should leave,’ she said, amazed by the controlled way she could say that, when inside she felt she’d been turned to jelly.
‘I can’t just leave you here.’
‘You can’t not,’ Maria said. ‘What I do is no longer your concern and I want you to go, now.’
‘Maria, please…’
Maria leapt to her feet. ‘Get out!’ she screamed. ‘God damn you. Get out! I don’t want you here, or to ever see your face again. Now get out!’
Greg stood up and lifted his case. He knew he had no option but to go. ‘Goodbye, Maria.’
Maria tossed her head, but did not acknowledge him in any other way. She was holding on to herself with great difficulty and barely had the door shut on him that she gave a great sigh. Her limbs were shaking uncontrollably. She had the urge to throw things—anything, everything. She wanted to scream at the unfairness of life.
Twice a tantalising future had been held before her and twice it had been pulled away before she could sample it. She thought she’d grieved for the college place, her father’s accident, her mother’s collapse, but it wasn’t grieving like this—this devastating hurt flowing through her, the feeling that she was bare, exposed, for all to see.
She sank onto the floor, unable any longer to stay upright, and cried out all the anguish and pain, cried as if she’d never, ever stop. Eventually, she was quiet. She lay for a few moments longer before pushing herself into a sitting position and then getting to her feet groggily. She felt light-headed and she held on to the chair till the room stopped spinning around her. The future was like a bad taste in her mouth and she was in despair.
But there were still her parents to see to. She knew she must go on. She’d already left her father unattended for far too long. She didn’t know the time, had no idea how long she had been there, but the paraffin lamp was spluttering and the fire in the stove much lower than it had been.
It was time to go, time to face the world. Maria put the biscuits away and threw the tea down the sink. She could go and tell the people of Moville of Greg’s betrayal, then take on board their pitying looks and sidelong glances. No, by God, she’d not, she vowed. Pride was all she had left now and she wasn’t losing one vestige of it.
Who knew anything about her and Greg anyway? Maria pondered as she made her way home. She had worn his ring beneath her clothes and had made no announcement. A few of the girls at the factory had known about Greg and they’d understand if she was to say she’d talked it over and they’d decided to cool everything until the war was over and she was a little more mature. They’d swallow that, even approve of it. ‘Don’t want to be rushing into anything now,’ one woman had already said the once.
‘Aye, that’s right,’ Joanne had agreed. ‘I’m having the time of my life at the moment and I’ll not give it up for any man till I’m good and ready.’
Bella and Dora would have to be told the truth, of course, but they’d not spread the tale about if she asked them not to. Her father would be disappointed, she knew. He wanted to see her settled and so did Sean. This latest development would once more chain him down. She wasn’t worried about Barney for he hadn’t approved of the engagement in the first place and she had no doubt that he’d accept what she said.
So, her pride would be intact, but inside she felt dead, numb, like half a person. This was a grievous blow she wondered if she’d ever recover from.
Her father was thankfully asleep when she reached the house. The first thing she did was to fetch an envelope from the bureau in her room and drop the ring in it. Tomorrow she would post it to Greg’s parents, where she assumed he would be staying. There was no need for any explanation.
In fact, Greg wasn’t at his parent’s, for they wouldn’t have him. His mother could scarcely believe that her son had slept with a girl before marriage, before even an understanding, and the news had shocked her to the core. Even his father, knowing more of the world and the need and urges of young men, was censorious.
‘If you couldn’t control yourself, couldn’t you at least use something?’
Greg’s head jerked up. ‘What d’you know about things like that?’
‘Enough,’ his father snapped. ‘I wasn’t born yesterday. I know too it’s against the Church’s teaching—not that they’d approve of fornication either, of course.’
‘I did use
something, Dad,’ Greg admitted. ‘Except for one time, the last time. I didn’t think…Anyway, just once we used nothing.’
‘Well, that one slip-up has ruined young Maria’s life. I suppose you know that?’
And mine, Greg might have said, but he didn’t. This was no time to think of himself. He nodded and his voice was thick when he said, ‘I know, Dad.’
‘You’ve condemned her to a life of drudgery and likely broken her heart, for she loved you dearly. The times she’d come here and talk about you, it’s obvious what she thinks, how she feels. God, Greg, I’m surprised you can live with yourself.’
‘Dad, I’m not proud of this, any of it,’ Greg said. ‘But, for God’s sake, what was I to do? I’d finished with Nancy long before I declared myself to Maria and since that moment I have been true to her. But Nancy is pregnant with my child, Dad. I can’t desert her.’
‘Aye, I see that. It’s a dreadful thing you did to that girl too.’
‘Her father’s beaten her black and blue.’
Greg’s father imagined how the man would feel, how he would react if one of his daughters came home with the news she was with child. God, it didn’t bear thinking about.
But what of his son? Should he allow him to come here, flaunting his sin for all to see, showing a bad example to his siblings and further heartache for Maria?
‘Your mother and me have talked this over, Greg,’ he said. ‘You are right, you must marry this Nancy, but we don’t want to see either her or you ever again.’
‘What are you saying, Dad?’
‘I’m saying you are not welcome here. Go back to England, do your duty by this girl and sever connections with your home. As far as your mother and me are concerned, by your actions and for the grave hurt you have caused a great deal of people, you can no longer regard yourself as a son of ours.’
Greg almost staggered from the room. He could scarcely believe the words his father had spoken. He’d always thought whatever he did, or said, they’d always love him, forgive him and welcome him. He’d never envisaged a time when he might be estranged from his parents—disagree with them, certainly, but exiled from home, never.
For Christ’s sake, he was their eldest son. He sought out his mother, but her eyes were cold, her face set as she looked at him. ‘I thought your father had spoken to you.’
‘He has, Mom.’
‘Well then?’
‘I thought-’
‘You thought I would be different. Let me tell you, Greg, you have cut me to the quick and I am engulfed with shame for the wrong you have done Maria and also, to a lesser extent, the piece you are marrying. Do you think I want you here after that, your brothers emulating you and your sisters thinking this is the way to behave? No, Greg. You made your bed and now you must lie in it. You can have one day here to get over the travelling and tomorrow you go back, and I don’t want to see, or hear from you again.’
‘Mom—’
‘It’s my last word on the subject.’
The ring plopped through the letterbox, the day after Greg left. Greg’s mother opened the envelope and held the ring in the palm of her hand. She cried for Maria and the dream that had come crashing down on her head.
Knowing none of this, Maria skulked about the house for the first few days after seeing Greg, terrified of bumping into him.
Each day she’d wake with a heavy heart after a fitful sleep. It was as if she’d fallen into a pit of sadness and it tainted everything she did and said. Food tasted like sawdust, though the lump in her throat prevented her eating anything much. Never was she more glad of work, glad of the chatter of the girls that covered her own silence, and glad of the weary feeling after work, though she knew weariness alone didn’t necessarily signify a decent night’s sleep
She was worried which Mass Greg would attend on Sunday and she slipped into the one at nine o’clock, and looked around surreptitiously, but she was seen by one of Greg’s sisters. None of Greg’s brothers or sisters had been told about Greg, but they all knew. By eavesdropping on the raised voices, they’d put two and two together and, if there should be any doubt, one of them found the ring in the envelope that their mother had stuck behind the clock on the mantelpiece.
Now, that same girl, Josephine, sidled up to Maria as soon as the Mass was over, guessing why she was so edgy. ‘Greg’s gone,’ she said, with any preamble.
‘Gone! So soon?’
‘Well, banished is more the word.’
‘Banished!’
‘There was a terrific row,’ Josephine said. ‘We all know that our Greg did the dirty on you and none of us were too pleased with him. But Daddy and Mammy were furious. They told him to go and not come back, and none of us now are allowed to speak his name.’
Maria wondered if she had it in her heart to feel sorry for Greg, for she knew he cared for his family, but she felt nothing, as if his sister was talking about some stranger she hardly knew. It didn’t make her feel any better, but it meant she could stop looking over her shoulder every five minutes.
‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘Please give your parents my regards.’
“S all right,’ Josephine said. ‘We all like you. You could still come. Mammy and Daddy would love to see you.’
But that time was linked to Greg, visiting the parents of the man Maria intended spending the rest of her life with. ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea,’ she said, ‘but thanks anyway.’
The following day in the chapel of St George’s Barracks, a sad little group gathered. Greg looked tall and handsome in his uniform, but Nancy was dishevelled, her face still discoloured and awash with tears, her eyes red-rimmed and her hair piled untidily on her head. But in front of her, for all to see, that no dress could hide, was the swell of her pregnancy.
The priest—Greg had insisted on a priest so that their marriage would be recognised in the Catholic Church—was a bit nervous of Nancy’s belligerent father, sitting glaring at his daughter in the front row. He wanted the marriage over speedily and was glad neither had plumped for nuptial Mass. In a matter of minutes, Nancy was Mrs Hopkins.
She thought it made little difference. Greg was going overseas, so she was going back to live at home with the father, who had terrorised them all since babyhood.
However, Greg wasn’t frightened of the man. He rather despised him as he would any who would hit a woman, and now he intended to see to it that marriage to him would protect her.
‘There’s to be no more heavy stuff,’ he told Nancy’s father sternly. ‘Never raise your hand to Nancy again, or you’ll have me to deal with. She is my wife now and not your responsibility.’
‘You young—’
‘There is nothing to be gained by calling me names,’ Greg snapped. ‘As soon as we can, we’ll get a place of our own, but until then, please treat Nancy with respect.’
There was a lot more Nancy’s father could have said, but looking Greg up and down he changed his mind and instead made do with a glare before leading his wife away.
Nancy’s eyes were shining. No one had ever stood up to her father before. ‘Oh, Greg,’ she breathed. ‘Oh, I love you so. I know you don’t feel the same and I’m sorry you’ve been pushed into this.’
Greg suddenly felt sorry for the girl for the shabby wedding with the reluctant bridegroom, and he drew Nancy into his arms. ‘I can’t say I love you,’ he said, for he thought she deserved honesty. ‘But I can say I like you, and like you a great deal. I knew what I was doing the last time I slept with you. Between us we have created a baby, part of you and part of me, and for that I could love you. I’m sure when we are a proper family and have some place to call our own, then we will be happy together.’
Nancy thought of her own parents’ turbulent marriage. ‘D’you think so?’ she said. ‘See, my mom and dad—’
‘Your parents are different people to us,’ Greg said. ‘I promise you two things: I will never raise my hand to you, nor will I be unfaithful. I might not have entered into this wholehea
rtedly, but now we are married I want to be a good husband to you and a good father to the child.’ He’d been avoiding Nancy’s eyes as he spoke, but he now took her chin and turned her to face him. ‘Will that do?’
‘Oh, Greg…‘ Tears sparkled in Nancy’s eyes again, but they were tears of joy. What more could any woman ask? Greg’s kiss, mindful of Nancy’s puffy lip, was tender, and it caused such a feeling of exhilaration in Nancy that she felt she could have floated to the ceiling.
CHAPTER SIX
‘So the way’s clear for you, dear brother, now lover boy Greg is out of the way,’ Seamus said to Barney a month after he heard about the split.
‘She doesn’t know I exist,’ Barney said gloomily. ‘Not like that, anyway.’
‘Prove you do.’
‘How d’you propose I do that?’
‘You could try wining and dining her.’
Barney shook his head. ‘She’s changed,’ he said. ‘She’s sort of sad all the time. I don’t think she’s thinking about men at the moment.’
‘Well, get at her through the old folks, then, so she starts to notice you.’
‘Not the mother,’ Barney said. ‘She gives me the willies, the mother, but her father’s all right. Fact is, I’ve thought for a while it’s a bloody shame for him to be lying in bed with the sun shining outside. Now that spring’s definitely here, I could push him about in a wheelchair on fine afternoons.’
‘You got a wheelchair?’
‘No, but I’m sure the doctor can get a loan of one from the hospital or some such place.’
Maria, when he broached the subject one day, after Sam had gone to sleep, was doubtful. ‘What harm could it do?’ Barney asked.
Maria couldn’t think of any. ‘Come on, Maria,’ Barney went on. ‘It would be just like him sitting up in bed, and he manages that, all right. Surely it’s not right for him looking at four bare walls when there is an alternative, and it would free Dora in the afternoons.’