by Anne Bennett
‘Come, come,’ Sam said. ‘Don’t think of it as putting her away. Think of it as going to the psychiatric unit for treatment.’
‘Huh.’
‘Look, Maria,’ Barney said. ‘If your mother had something physical—pneumonia, let’s say—then you wouldn’t hesitate to send her to hospital. Why is this different?’
Maria didn’t know why; it just was.
‘The doctor said she’ll not know a thing about it,’ Sam said. ‘It’ll not matter to her where she is.’
Maria’s intake of breath was audible. ‘You’ve had the doctor,’ she said almost accusingly. ‘Behind my back.’
‘We wanted to know the facts,’ Sam said.
‘And they are?’ Maria demanded icily.
‘The doctor thinks we’re doing her a disservice keeping her here,’ Sam said. ‘He’s making enquiries at the hospital.’
‘And I can’t have her in the shop any more,’ Bella put in. ‘Really I can’t. It isn’t fair on anyone. She often won’t stay in the back like she used to and wanders about the place, picking things up. It puts the customers off, and Maggie is scared stiff of her now.’ She stood up and put a hand on Maria’s shoulder. ‘I’m sorry, cutie dear. Heartsore for you.’
Maria’s head was reeling and inside she felt wretched. She knew the decisions had been made, and she bent her head, despairing and let the tears flow unchecked.
Bella looked uncertain and Sam distressed, but Barney moved to Maria’s side immediately. He signed for Bella to go as he took Maria in his arms. She clung to him, feeling the roughness of his jacket, which smelt of tobacco, against her cheek, and the strong muscled arms holding her, as if he could protect her against anything.
Dr Shearer was wrong: Sarah might not have been aware where the ambulance men were taking her, but she knew well enough that she didn’t want to go. Maria had tried to talk to her, make her understand, but vacant eyes stared back at her and she didn’t know how much had gone in.
She’d taken the morning off that day in mid-October to be there with her mother, and Barney was there too, feeling Maria might need support, though he was longing for his bed. He’d not finished unloading the stuff till half-one. Then at two, Seamus had organised a card shop. Many of the sailors had got paid and the McPhearsons knew they could lift the money from their pockets just as if they’d put their hands in.
The game had gone on till six and then the brothers had had to bring the stuff back to this side and unload it. He’d drank whiskey as if it was water during the games of poker, and now, two and a half hours later, Barney felt decidedly the worse for wear. His bleary eyes had bags underneath them. Maria didn’t see how he looked straight away. She was just glad he was there and more than glad he was able to restrain Sarah, who attacked both the ambulance men, drawing blood from one one as her nails raked his cheek.
She began to scream as they strapped her onto the stretcher, blood-curdling screams that Maria thought could maybe be heard in Derry. They certainly brought people out to stand in the doorways, to see which poor soul was being murdered.
Sarah stopped screaming long enough to gaze slowly around the room, her eyes lighting on everything in turn, as if she was saying goodbye. Then she stared across at Sam and he gazed back at her with shame-filled eyes. Then she turned to Maria, tears trickling down her cheeks, and the look she cast them both was filled with hate. Maria staggered under the weight of bitterness behind her mother’s eyes, as if she’d suffered a blow. Again it was Barney’s arms around her shoulders that comforted her and pressed her to him. Then the screams began again as the ambulance men lifted the stretcher.
The Square was full of people. Maria was mortified by it all, and though most people’s eyes were sympathetic, it hardly helped. The only thing that helped really was Barney’s arm. Then, as most of the people dispersed to their homes when the ambulance was out of sight, Bella and Dora came over and some of the customers from the shop followed them.
‘You’re not to blame yourself, Maria,’ one of the women said. ‘You did your level best.’
‘Aye, nothing to reproach yourself for,’ another put in. ‘Daughter in a million.’
These were the very women vociferous in their condemnation of Maria even considering a new life for herself in Dublin, yet now they seemed all of a sudden on her side.
She hadn’t time for them, couldn’t even bring herself to acknowledge their words, and Barney, feeling the raw emotions running through Maria, said quietly to Dora, ‘Will you go in to Sam? He’s bound to feel it. I’m taking Maria out of this. We’ll go for a walk.’
‘You do right,’ Dora said, just as quietly. ‘She looks done in, poor girl, and she’s as white as a sheet.’
Still with his arms protectively around Maria, Barney passed through the knot of remaining people and strode up the road towards Greencastle. Once the town was behind, however, he turned inland and didn’t stop until they came to a little hilltop with a grass-covered knoll at the top, above a swift stream surging down the hillside across its rocky bed on its way to join Lough Foyle.
‘This was always one of my favourite places,’ Barney said, and they sat down together.
Maria said nothing. At least, he thought, she had stopped crying and he withdrew his hanky and mopped her face and then kissed her eyes.
Maria gasped. That action reminded her of Greg. Stop thinking about Greg, she admonished herself. He belonged to another life now, he was someone else’s husband, some wee child’s father and lost to her for ever. This is the here and now, with Barney beside her.
And a very careworn, exhausted Barney, she noticed for the first time. ‘You look…you look…‘
‘Awful, I know.’
‘I was going to say tired.’
‘Aye,’ Barney said, and added, ‘I worked all night so I could be with you today.’
‘Ah, Barney!’
The words, spoken so lovingly, sent the heat coursing through Barney. He felt himself harden. ‘Maria,’ he said, ‘I think I love you.’
He kissed her then with all the passion in him. When he pressed her lips open gently and let his tongue dart in and out of her mouth, she resisted at first. Then she relaxed and gave herself up to the pleasure of it, and moaned softly.
Barney smiled to himself. He’d had many sexual encounters and was a skilled lover. He began to kiss her again. Her senses reeled and she tried to press him closer, but Barney was busy unbuttoning her cardigan and then her blouse. Maria hadn’t taken the time to bring her coat for the day was mild.
Maria wondered why she wasn’t protesting, but it was as if she hadn’t the energy. She felt incredibly sad still and terribly guilty. There was no room left in her to feel shame at what she was allowing Barney to do to her. She wanted to forget the events of that morning, even for the briefest of time. She wanted, oh, how she wanted, someone to bring her gratification for a change and Barney was doing an excellent job. She had no desire to ask him to stop.
Barney couldn’t believe he had got so far. Every minute he had expected his hands to be slapped down, but Maria sat before him in her brassiere and when he gently pushed her onto the grass, lay on top of her, and covered her mouth with his, she returned his kisses passionately.
Maria felt as if she was floating in bliss. She closed her eyes as Barney kissed her neck and throat and then he slipped the straps from Maria’s shoulders, pulled the brassiere down to her waist and saw the ripe juiciness of Maria’s breasts before his eyes.
When he began to lick her nipple gently, then suck at it greedily, Maria moaned in ecstasy and felt desire stabbing at her, demanding to be satisfied. ‘Oh, Barney…Oh God…‘
‘Maria, you are beautiful, wondrous,’ Barney cried huskily, his breath coming in short pants. ‘I love every inch of you.’
He knew he could take her if he wished and presumed all the emotion over the last few days, culminating in that awful scene that morning, had drained Maria. She definitely needed him, and wanted him as she never had
before. If he was to make love to her, she’d be his. She was ripe for it now, like she might never ever be again. ‘You know I’d never hurt you, Maria,’ Barney said, kissing her between each word, as he fiddled with the waistband of her skirt.
This was when Maria knew she should put the brakes on, but Barney had worked her up so much, it would have been like stopping the tide. All she said was, ‘Yes, Barney.’
She was caught up in desire that she never felt before. Her brief courtship with Greg had been chaste, very proper, but now her whole being cried out for fulfilment, satisfaction for the passion that was almost consuming her.
Barney’s hand was between her legs, rubbing her and teasing her, until she cried out, ‘Oh, please, please.’ She didn’t know what she was asking for, just something to still the ache burning inside her.
‘Are you sure?’ Barney asked.
‘Oh, yes. Quick.’
And then, Maria knew the doctor wasn’t the only one to lie. He’d said Sarah wouldn’t know or care where they took her, and Barney said he wouldn’t hurt her but he did.
Then it didn’t matter. They clung together, every nerve pulsating and moving as if they were one person. Waves and waves of exquisite joy that went higher and higher, and ever more rapturous, ran through Maria until she thought she’d explode.
‘Oh, Barney, I love you, love you, love you,’ she cried as Barney clasped her even closer.
‘And I you, you darling girl,’ he said.
Maria was breathless when it was eventually over, but still she held Barney close. ‘You have your answer,’ she panted. ‘I will be proud to love you and to be your girl.’
Barney rolled off Maria and lit a cigarette. She lay beside him, satiated, contented in a way she never had been before.
They wandered back to the village some time later, hand in hand, and Dora had only had to catch the one sight of them to know what they’d been at, for the delight and joy of it still played around Maria’s mouth. Her flushed face, tousled hair and grass-covered clothes told their own tale.
Sam was too bowed down with shame and guilt to notice anything. God, he’d be glad when the day was over. That look Sarah had given him should have turned him to stone. But he couldn’t, wouldn’t let himself regret the decision to send Sarah away, for now Maria didn’t have the responsibility of her. Best thing he could do was get out of the road to and give the girl back her life. It wasn’t as if he was any bloody use.
‘Have you any drink on you, Barney?’ he asked desperately, almost as soon as the man was in the door.
‘No, but I’ll get you one, and gladly.’
‘Daddy…‘ Maria chided.
‘Don’t nag me, child,’ Sam pleaded. ‘Not today of all days. I’ll not get through it at all without a drink.’
‘Leave him alone,’ Barney advised Maria at the door. ‘It’s all the poor sod has. You have me. We have each other.’
‘Oh, Barney,’ she said, then gasped as he slipped a hand between her legs.
‘See what he’s missing? What’s a drop of whiskey?’
What indeed? Maria was smiling as she closed the door.
In the cold light of the next day, Maria faced what she had done with Barney and her face flamed with embarrassment. She remembered her abandonment and how she’d given herself so freely that she had begged and pleaded like some sort of wanton. Oh dear Christ, what had she been thinking of? However would she face Barney after this? She’d be barely able to look him in the eye.
Mind, she told herself, as she got up and dressed, he’d probably not want to see her after the exhibition she’d made of herself. Everyone knew that men would take what was on offer, but if the woman was too easy, they’d throw her to one side when they were done with her. And what if there were consequences, she thought in horror, as she went downstairs. The gasp she gave was so audible, it brought Sam’s rheumy eyes to rest on her.
She looked at his dear face and knew if she ever had to tell him she was with child and unmarried the shock would kill him. Barney had said he loved her, but hadn’t mentioned marriage. She knew if she should be pregnant and remain unmarried, rather than display that scandal that would drag Sam through the mud as well, she would throw herself into the Foyle.
She forced herself to smile at her father. ‘Hello, Daddy. How are you feeling?’
‘Badly, child.’
‘Badly?’
‘Aye, inside myself,’ Sam said.
Maria crossed the room and smoothed down the lines on her father’s forehead. ‘I’ll make us some porridge directly,’ she said. ‘It’s Saturday; I have no work today.’
‘I want no porridge,’ Sam said. ‘Just a drop of tea.’
‘Daddy, you must have something,’ Maria admonished.
Sam shook his head. ‘I want nothing, child,’ he said. ‘I couldn’t eat it.’
‘Maybe you’ll feel better when you have the tea taken,’ Maria said, but without much hope. However, she was dismayed when she took the tea over to her father to see his hands shaking so badly, she had to hold the cup steady to prevent it spilling all down him. ‘Maybe you’d pour me a wee glass of whiskey after this,’ he said.
‘Daddy!’
‘To steady myself just,’ Sam said. ‘Go on, be a good girl now. To please your daddy.’
Feeling anything like a good girl, and very much against her better judgement, Maria poured a sizeable measure of whiskey into a glass and gave it to her father. She hadn’t the time or inclination to argue with him, for Saturday was a busy enough day. After breakfast, she’d have to wash and change her father and put all the soiled linen to boil with the rest she had soaking. She also had the remainder of the wash to see to, the house to clean from top to bottom and the shopping to get in. She set to with a will as soon as she’d eaten, intending to work so hard she would drive the incidents of the previous day from her mind.
Barney had an idea how Maria might be feeling. He knew she hadn’t really been herself when she’d more than submitted to him. But today, he imagined, she’d probably have come to her senses.
He knew his assumption was right when he came upon her just before lunch time as she was pounding clothes in the poss tub in the wash house. Despite the nip in the autumn air, her face shone with sweat and then flushed with embarrassment when she saw Barney approach.
‘Hello, Maria.’
‘H-hello, Barney.’
He stood at the doorway and looked out. Curls of mist in the air lingered from the morning. He said, ‘Today is not such a good day to be sitting on a grassy bank, I’m thinking.’
Maria stared at him, wondering if he was playing some sort of game with her. ‘No,’ she said.
‘Maria, do you feel bad about what we shared yesterday?’ Barney said, seeing her discomfort and knowing it was best to hit things head on.
‘What d’you think?’ Maria said. ‘Of course I do.’
‘But there is no need.’
‘Oh, Barney. How can you say that?’ Maria cried. ‘I am so ashamed, I can barely raise my head. I’m not that sort of girl at all. I know what I did, what I wanted to do, but it isn’t…I wouldn’t want you to think…‘
Barney strode across the room, removed the poss stick from Maria’s hands and took her in his arms. ‘I love you, darling girl,’ he said, ‘and what we did yesterday was just one expression of it. Yesterday you needed that comfort.’
‘Oh, Barney.’
‘You said you loved me,’ Barney said. ‘Was it passion driven, or did you mean it?’
Maria remembered that she’d said it—shouted it—and she’d meant it at the time. But whether she really and truly loved Barney she didn’t know. What did it matter now anyway? She’d burnt her boats with anyone else. So she looked into Barney’s face and said, ‘No, Barney. It wasn’t just passion. I do love you.’
Barney gave a whoop of joy and swung Maria around. She saw the light dancing in his eyes.
CHAPTER EIGHT
‘You won’t be able to take you
r young lady out tonight,’ Seamus said to Barney the following Saturday.
‘How come?’ Barney said. ‘We were going dancing. Maria was looking forward to it.’
‘Well, she’ll have to be disappointed then. I need you tonight.’
‘What the hell for?’
‘To drive a car.’
‘Are you kidding me, Seamus? You know I can’t drive a car.’
‘You’re going to learn fast, today,’ Seamus said grimly.
‘But why d’you want me to drive a car anyway?’ Barney said. ‘And where to, for God’s sake?’
Prickles of alarm suddenly ran down his spine. He’d never met the other men concerned in the smuggling. Seamus said they were hard knocks from the North and he didn’t need to meet them, know their names or any other damned thing about them. Somehow, he knew this car driving was connected to those people.
‘We’re raiding a post office,’ Seamus said.
Barney’s eyes were like saucers. ‘Are you mad?’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘But, Seamus—’
‘I want money.’
‘We have money,’ Barney said.
‘Not those piddling little bits, real money,’ Seamus said. ‘And don’t tell me you don’t want money to spend on your lady love.’
Seamus saw Barney was wavering and he went on, ‘Yours is a doddle of a job. All you do is sit in the car with the engine running. If the guards are alerted at all, you just put your foot down and you’ll be over the border in minutes.’
‘Have you done this sort of thing before?’
‘Aye, but we’ve never hit a post office before.’
‘In Derry.’
‘Aye. The blackout is our best friend.’
‘So who drove the car before?’
‘A man by the name of P. J. Connolly, but, he’s been taken sick. Appendicitis, they think it is. He’s in the County Hospital in Letterkenny. So you’re up for it?’
Barney knew he’d do it, though every bone in his body was sending him alarm signals. He always did what Seamus wanted in the end. He nodded.