by E. L. Todd
I kept kissing her and felt my dick grow hard. “Now I just want to stay in and order a pizza.”
“That doesn’t sound so bad.”
I grabbed her ass and lifted her before I carried her to bed. “Did Aspen harass you today?”
“Yes. Did Rhett?”
“Yes,” I answered. “What did you say?”
She flinched for a moment. “What we agreed on. You?”
I didn’t want to tell her all the things Rhett said to me, that I might be in love with her and I should give her a chance. I didn’t want to get her hopes up if she felt the same way. That would make me feel like a bigger jackass than I already was. “I said the same.”
She nodded but there seemed to be distant look of depression in her eyes. She kept her arms wrapped around me and held me closer. Then she locked her lips to mine as I laid her on the bed. We didn’t speak for the rest of the night. Instead, we spoke with our bodies.
***
I grabbed a mocha with soy from Starbucks then headed to her office. I knew she got out of bed at the latest time possible so she never grabbed coffee on the way. Instead, she had the crappy stuff at her office. It tasted like dead plants.
I walked inside then headed to her desk. She was typing on her computer, and her long blonde hair stretched down her back. When she recognized my presence, she turned to me. “What a pleasant surprise.”
“I was in the neighborhood so I thought I’d bring you a coffee.”
She eyed it for a moment then looked up at me, almost surprised. “That was nice of you…”
“It has soy in it. Don’t worry.”
She took a sip. “And it’s delicious. Way better than the crap we have here.”
“Well, it’s your office,” I teased.
“I have more important things to do than focus on getting better coffee.”
I leaned over the desk and kissed her like usual. This time when I pulled away, she had a different look in her eyes. I couldn’t describe it because I wasn’t sure what I was seeing. Harper and I had been different ever since that night in the bar. Our relationship was better, but it was also…different.
“What are you doing today?” she asked.
“I have to work tonight,” I said. “Other than that, nothing.”
She nodded then pulled out a few papers from her drawer.
“I wished you worked at night so we could see each other during the day. I hate being at home when you’re at work.”
She opened the folder and didn’t say anything.
“Is there something wrong…?”
“No.” She turned her eyes back to me but they seemed distant, almost hurt.
“What happened to not lying to each other?”
She sighed then turned to her secretary. “Could you excuse us for a moment?”
“Of course.” She grabbed her coffee then walked outside.
I turned back to Harper, wanting to know what she had to say.
Her voice came out strong. “You want to see me all the time. You come to my work and bring me coffee, getting my complicated order exactly right, and you want to spend every waking moment with me.” She stared at me like she was finished, like that explained everything.
“Yeah…?”
She grew frustrated. “And I’m jut a friend to you? Because you don’t act like it, Troy. You act like I mean a lot more to you, and it’s confusing me…”
“Does it bother you?”
“No, of course not. I just…you say you can’t have something more with me but you treat me like I’m your girlfriend.”
I didn’t know what to say. I’d never given much thought to my actions. I just did and said what I wanted to do and say. “You’re my friend and I love spending time with you. You’ve become my best friend…I’m not thinking when I do anything. I just do it.”
“And you don’t feel anything more for me?”
I wasn’t sure. Sometimes I thought I did. Sometimes I didn’t. “Why are you asking?”
She looked down at her hands and remained quiet. She pressed her lips firmly together then licked them with her tongue. “Sometimes I think you’re in love with me but you’re in denial about it.” Her voice shook, like she was afraid to say those words. And it seemed like she regretted saying them.
Her words caught me off guard, and they entered one ear and went out the other. A slight sense of panic overcame me. Rhett’s words came back to me, and now Harper was saying the same ones. I sunk into the chair facing her desk and felt all the happiness disappear from my body. “Harper, I never want to be in a relationship again. I told you this from the beginning.”
She stared at me with a blank expression.
“That hasn’t changed and it never will.”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
“I did,” I said. “I can’t be anything more with you.”
“So, you aren’t in love with me?” Her voice faltered.
“No…”
“And you being sweet to me and acting like a perfect boyfriend…what does that mean?”
I shrugged. “Nothing…”
She nodded and took a deep breath.
Was she in love with me? Did I give her the wrong impression? Did I hurt her? I’d kill myself if I did. “If this is too hard for you, maybe we should stop seeing each other…” I didn’t want that to happen. At all. But I couldn’t hurt her anymore. I refused to be the person who cause her pain.
“And that would be so easy for you?” she asked quietly.
“It wouldn’t be easy…no,” I said. “But, I want to do what’s best for you.”
“You’re what’s best for me,” she whispered. She didn’t look at me as she said it.
I walked in there expecting one thing. Instead, I was letting her go. It came out of nowhere, and now pain shot through me in heartfelt waves. I couldn’t stop thinking about her that morning and just wanted to bring her coffee. Now I was walking away from her. My heart hurt more than it ever had. “Harper, are you in love with me?”
She wouldn’t meet my gaze. “No.”
“Then what’s the problem?” I whispered.
“I’m not in love with you. But I’m falling in love with you.” She moved her eyes to mine, and they were full of emotion. “If you don’t want to see me anymore, that’s fine. But I find it hard to believe that I’m experiencing all these emotions while you’re completely unaware of them. You’ve built defenses around your mind that are so strong that nothing can penetrate them. You don’t even understand what you feel. You can’t live in fear forever, Troy. If you gave love a chance again, I promise you it would be different.”
I rubbed the back of my neck and considered her words. They went straight into my heart and shattered into indefinite pieces. “Sometimes I think I can…but I can’t, Harper. That’s not fair to you.”
She looked away again. “So, this is it, then?”
I didn’t want it to be the end. It was so sudden and unexpected. What would I do without her? What would my life be like? The past two months with her had been wonderful. It was the first time I felt alive in forever. And now I was about to walk away. “I guess…”
She nodded and adopted an indifferent façade. “Take care, Troy. I hope you find…whatever it is you’re looking for.” All emotion was gone from her face. I felt like we were having a business meeting. It didn’t even feel like we were friends anymore.
“Okay…” I stood up and felt weak. My knees were about to give out. I was out of place and lost. The second I severed Harper from my body I didn’t feel like myself. It was like I lost an arm or a leg. Without looking back, I walked out, feeling my heart sink further into my stomach.
***
Even days later, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Every time I heard a funny joke, I wanted to call Harper and share it. But then I realized she wasn’t in my life anymore.
She wasn’t even my friend.
My sadness quickly turned to depression, and I found mysel
f going to my beach house more often, just sitting alone and staring into the ocean. Whenever I slept in the bed I shared with her, she was all I could think about. Sometimes her scent was still on the sheets. It was hard to sleep without her in my arms. When I was with Alexia, I never cuddled with her. It was too hot and uncomfortable. But with Harper, I was cold when she wasn’t snuggled into my side.
But now she was gone.
She came to me in my dreams, that beautiful smile and soft hair accompanying her. Most of the time, she and I were just sitting together on the beach. Sometimes my dreams were sexual, and I fucked her so hard I broke the bed. And other times, I was down on one knee with a ring in my hand.
I didn’t know what to make of it.
But I was doing the right thing by staying away from her. She said she was falling in love with me. A part of me felt warm at the thought, but another part felt terrible. How did this happen? When did it happen? We agreed to just be friends. I would escort her and she would help me move on from Alexia. I couldn’t figure it out.
She said she thought I felt the same way but I was in denial about it. Was that true? Was it possible? Harper was special to me. I did think about her all the time, and when I wasn’t with her, I wanted to be. But if I were in love with her, wouldn’t I have slept with her? If that were the case, why was I holding back?
I couldn’t figure it out.
***
Around midnight, I was lying in bed unable to sleep. Sleep was a luxury I didn’t enjoy very often anymore. With Harper, I slept like a baby. I was never more rested or satisfied as I was when I was with her.
And not having her there was like not getting enough oxygen. I had just enough to get by, but not enough to be comfortable.
My phone rang on my nightstand and my heart immediately kicked into overdrive. Was it Harper? I used all my restraint not to call her or text her. There were so many times I wanted to do it but I held myself back. Hopefully, she cracked. I desperately wanted to talk to her.
But it was a number I didn’t recognize.
Why would a person be calling me at this hour? It was odd. I answered it because I was curious. Maybe it was a friend calling for a ride since they were drunk and they were borrowing someone’s phone. “Hello?”
“Mr. Sexton?” It was a male voice, professional. I could tell the man was middle age just by listening to him.
“This is he.” My voice was strong but I couldn’t deny the fear in my heart. “Who’s this?”
“I’m Dr. Palacos,” he explained. “From New York Medical Center.”
My heart fell into my chest. Oh shit.
“Your brother Kyle is in ICU. You’re listed as next of kin. I just wanted to let you know he was here.”
The room started to spin and my chest constricted. I sat up so quickly that I almost fell over. I gripped the sheets like they would give me strength. “Is he okay?”
“He’s doing well. I suspect he’ll have a full recovery.”
That didn’t make me feel better. “What happened?”
“According to a witness, he was taken into an alleyway where five men beat him savagely. He said it was a hate crime because your brother is a homosexual.” He said this with no emotion. He was practically a robot.
“Shit,” I blurted.
“He’s pretty banged up and he has a broken arm but there’s no permanent damage. You should come down and see him.”
“I’m on my way.” I hung up without saying goodbye.
***
When I located his room, Mark was already there. He was at his bedside, holding Kyle’s hand. His eyes were red and puffy like he’d been crying just a few minutes ago.
I stopped and stared at my brother, seeing him in a cast with a bunch of tubes hooked up to his body. The reality hit me violently, right in the heart. “Oh my god…”
Mark stood up then hugged me hard. “He’s going to be okay. It’s hard to see though…” He patted me on the back then pulled away. “He’ll be alright. He will, Troy.”
Like in a trance, I moved from his arms then approached Kyle. His eyes were closed and he breathed at a steady rhythm. My hand immediately found his and I gripped him tightly. “I’m here, Kyle.” My voice came out weak.
Mark moved back to his seat and stayed by Kyle’s side. He grabbed Kyle’s other hand and released a deep sigh.
I stood over my brother and felt my eyes burn with tears. “Why would someone do this…?”
“I don’t know,” he whispered.
“Where were you?” I tried to make my voice not sound accusatory.
“Home. He went out with some friends. It must have happened when he was walking home.”
“How’d they know he was gay?”
“I have no idea,” he said. “But sometimes you can just tell. Maybe it was the way he walked…I don’t know.”
I sat down and kept my hold on my brother’s hand.
“I was going to call your parents but…I didn’t know if I should.”
I nodded. “Yeah…” Should I call? I pulled out my phone but there was one person I needed more than anyone. Only she could help me right now. I called her without thinking about it, and she answered like she’d been waiting for my call.
“Hello?” Her voice came out strong, not like she’d just been sleeping.
“Harper?” My voice was weak and shaky. I couldn’t keep the tears out.
“Troy?” Alarm came into her voice. “What’s wrong?”
“Kyle is in the hospital…some guys dragged him into the alleyway and….” I couldn’t finish my sentence. “I’m at New York Medical Center—”
“I’m coming,” she said immediately. “I’ll be right there.”
She didn’t even make me ask. “Thank you.”
“Hold on, okay?”
“Okay.”
***
Harper came into the room breathing hard like she’d run the whole way. She did make it under seven minutes, so I suspected she had. As soon as I looked at her, I couldn’t keep my emotion in check. My eyes started to water with tears, and I stood up so I could fall into her embrace and feel safe.
When Harper looked at me, those beautiful blue eyes no longer looked hypnotic. They were the gates to her soul, and they burned with pain and agony. She mirrored my sorrow, and I could tell she hurt for me.
I moved into her arms and held her as close as possible. My chin rested on her head and I squeezed her hard, using her as a safeguard. My chest rose and fell deeply as the emotion hit me hard. My brother would be okay, but that didn’t take away my pain. Someone hurt him when he didn’t deserve it. I wish I were there so I could have protected him. He shouldn’t have been dragged into an alleyway because of whom he loved. It was just wrong.
Harper pulled away slowly then cupped my face. She wiped my tears away with the pads of her thumb. Then she kissed me gently on the lips, giving me strength when I thought I couldn’t find anything. “Is he going to be okay?”
I nodded. “The doctor said he will recover. He has a broken arm and a few bruises but…”
“He shouldn’t have to go through it to begin with.”
I was grateful she understood me. “Yeah.”
She kissed me again, and the touch soothed me. “I’m here for you.”
“Thank you.” Gratitude came from deep within my heart. She didn’t understand what that meant to me.
She took my hand and walked to my brother’s side. She stared down at him then brushed his hand with hers. “You look just like him.”
“I know.” I finally stopped crying and wiped my tears away.
“I’m Mark.” He extended his hand to shake Harper’s. “I’m Kyle’s boyfriend.”
“It’s nice to meet you.” She returned the embrace then rested her hand on Kyle’s arm. “I know you can hear us, and know that we’re here for you. You aren’t alone.”
Her words meant a lot to me. I was glad I didn’t have to do this alone. And there was only one person I could get throug
h the experience with.
***
I didn’t want to call my parents. Not because they would overreact and scream. Not because they would cry and make me feel terrible. It was because I feared they wouldn’t care. And that would just make this night even more unbearable. When Kyle woke up, what would I say? That Mom and Dad still couldn’t stand him because he was gay? Even though he almost died? How could I possibly say that to him?
“Are you going to call?” Mark whispered.
I sighed deeply before I nodded. I pulled out my phone and made the call. With every ring, I hoped they wouldn’t answer. But they did.
“Hello?” It was my Dad. “Troy, it’s late. Are you okay?”
“No, I’m not,” I said firmly.
“What is it, son? Do you need help?”
“Kyle is in the hospital,” I said flatly. “He was just jumped. He has a broken arm and a lot of damage. He’s in the ICU.”
There was a long pause of silence.
“Dad?”
“I told you this would happen. He can’t choose this lifestyle and expect to be accepted by society.” He almost sounded bored.
My chest started to expand drastically and my palms were sweaty. Anger flushed through me with the power to move mountains. “So, you’re saying he deserves this?” I almost couldn’t say the words.
“Of course, not,” he said. “I’m just saying…it was the risk he took.”
I couldn’t hold back my anger. “What does it matter? He’s your son and he needs you.” My eyes started to water again. “Kyle is a good person and you should love him no matter what.”
“When he comes to his senses, we’ll talk.”
I couldn’t believe this was real. I couldn’t believe these soulless people. How could someone turn their back on their son like this? “When your day comes, and you’re sitting in a hospital bed alone, do not expect me to come and wait by your side. When they put you in the ground, don’t expect me to show up and say goodbye.” I hung up then tried to choke back the tears. But it was too hard. It was too painful.
Harper moved into my lap then wrapped her arms around my neck. I buried myself in her embrace and held on, clinging to the one thing I could always count on.