by E. L. Todd
“I didn’t know,” I said quickly. “Honestly.”
“Yes, you did, Troy.”
“I really didn’t. The mind is complicated and it defends itself in odd ways. But even then, Harper, you’re the only woman in my thoughts. I never thought about Alexia when we were together—not once.”
“Why should I believe you?”
“Because I wouldn’t lie to you.”
“Well, you already did,” she hissed. “Now everything is out the window.”
Fear gripped me when I realized she wasn’t going to forgive me. “Harper, I’m sorry. I wish I could say I made a mistake and I regret it but I can’t. That conversation set me free once and for all. It doesn’t change how I feel about you. Please, let’s start over. I’m here and I’m ready to be the best damn boyfriend in the world. I will live for you and do everything you want. Just give me another chance.”
“I got hurt a lot over this relationship, Troy. But I put up with it because of the grand prize. But when I got the prize, I realized it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.” She walked behind her desk and sat down.
Those words hurt—to the core.
“Just go, Troy. Please.”
“Harper.” There was desperation in my voice. “Don’t do this…”
“It’s been done,” she said. “Get out of my life and stay there.”
I felt the distant burn in my eyes and I willed the tears to stop. “No.”
“Then I’ll have to call the police,” she said simply. “Get out of my office before I resort to such measures.”
“Harper, listen to me—”
“You lied to me.” Her hand shook on the desk.
“Not knowingly.”
“Regardless, if you weren’t sure, you shouldn’t have fucked me like a whore.”
“I didn’t fuck you.” My voice cracked. “If I wanted to fuck you I would have done it a long time ago. That isn’t what happened. I waited until I was in love with you. That’s the respect you deserved.”
“Actually, I deserved a lot more than that.” Her voice was barely audible.
“Don’t do this,” I begged. “Harper, we have everything we want now. Let’s just be happy.”
“No,” she hissed. “You have everything you want. You pissed all over me on the way.”
“I warned you that I had issues. It’s not my fault you didn’t take it seriously.”
She looked like she wanted to stab me with a pen. “I’ve never had a problem with your issues. I would have waited forever until you were ready to be serious with me. But you rushed things when you weren’t ready, and you hurt me in the process.”
“I didn’t rush anything. I slept with you because I loved you. If Alexia never contacted me, I wouldn’t have thought about her again. You’re acting like I cheated on your or snuck around behind your back. I’ve been upfront about everything. Would you rather me lie about seeing Alexia?”
“No, I told you I would have you rather not see her.”
“And wouldn’t it have been worse if I hadn’t?” I asked. “Then I would have wanted to know what she wanted to discuss forever. I would have even more questions that went unanswered. By your logic, that would have been the worse of two evils. Harper, I love you but you’re being unfair.”
“No, you are,” she said firmly. “You’re being unfair.”
“Harper, let’s just put this in the past and move on.”
“That’s exactly what I want.”
I knew she meant it in a different context than I did. “We love each other. And love can survive anything. If you think I’m just going to let you go you’re sadly mistaken. I will work my ass off to get you back. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
She looked at her desk and held her silence.
“Harper, I know how much you love me. Just give me another chance.”
She sniffed as the tears emerged. “I understand that nobody is perfect, but I refuse to settle for someone who doesn’t appreciate me. You dragged me through the mud and took advantage of me—”
“You took advantage of me too,” I snapped. “You had me pose as a boyfriend to your family instead of just holding your head high and being yourself. You need their approval for some unfounded reason. Well, I needed Alexia’s approval. It doesn’t make any sense but it’s just how it is. So don’t act like this relationship wasn’t mutual.”
She wiped her tears away.
I hated to see the pain on her face. “I don’t know when I fell in love with you but it happened long before I said it. I couldn’t understand it at the time.” My voice came out gentle. “But that doesn’t make it untrue. I just couldn’t process what I was feeling. I was going through a million things at once. But now that’s in the past and I’m here, thinking clearly. I’m ready to love you and give you everything you want. I was always loyal to you.”
“Just go,” she whispered.
“No—”
“Now. I can’t take this anymore…”
“Harper, we’re perfect together. Don’t throw us away.”
“You threw us away.”
She was being totally unreasonable but I didn’t know how to fix it. “I don’t accept this.”
“That’s not my problem.”
My eyes burned with tears when the reality hit me. Harper was slipping from my grasp and I may not be able to hold on much longer. She was becoming more and more distant with me. The woman I loved was walking away and I couldn’t figure out how to get her to stay. “I love you…” It was all I could think, a last moment of desperation.
She stared at her desk and held her silence. She wouldn’t look at me, and she didn’t return the phrase I was desperate to hear. A pen was in her hand and she felt it under her fingers, like she was concentrating on it so she wouldn’t break down.
I knew I took the conversation as far as it would go. She was being unreasonable but perhaps it was because she was emotional. Maybe if I gave her some space she would come around. “Call me if you need me.” I left her desk, feeling weak and hollow.
When I reached the door, I waited for her to tell me not to go. I waited for her to ask me to stay. I wanted to hear those words I desperately needed. But they never came. With a heart broken and severed, I left her office and tried to join society.
Harper
“You okay…?” Aspen eyed me hesitantly across the table. The right words were lost on her, and she didn’t know how to comfort me. I didn’t expect her to. There was nothing anyone could say.
“I’ll be okay.” I had to believe that so I could move forward.
“So, it’s really over?” There was sadness in her voice.
“I love him but I refuse to settle.”
“It’s a shame,” she said. “You guys were so cute together.”
Every memory flooded back to me. The first time we visited the beach house together, we ended up skinny-dipping together. He took when he wasn’t supposed to, but I admit, I did too. The sexual attraction was there from the beginning, but he didn’t have the emotional availability I needed. But in the end, he found it. “Yeah…”
Aspen touched the side of her glass while she stared down into her beer. “Can I say something?”
“Like you wouldn’t if I asked you not to,” I said coldly.
“As best friends, we’re supposed to say the things the other doesn’t want to hear, right?”
Where was this going? I narrowed my eyes on her face and watched her carefully.
“Maybe you need to let this go…” She cringed at the end, like she thought I might break her nose off. “Troy was never whole during your relationship, and maybe he lied toward the end but I really doubt it was intentional. But now he’s really over her. You can start over.”
“You don’t know what it’s like,” I said. “To stand there and ask him not to go but watch him do it anyway.”
She looked down at her glass again.
“He went anyway. That’s what hurts the mo
st.”
“But he didn’t cheat on you and Troy isn’t the cheating type.”
“He still shouldn’t want to see his ex.”
“But aren’t you glad he did?” she asked. “Because now he couldn’t care less about her.”
“I was already under the impression when we slept together,” I snapped.
She released sigh, knowing I wouldn’t be easy to talk down. “I’ve been in a few relationships and I’m going to let you in on a little secret.”
“Yes, wise one?”
“Guys are totally clueless to everything around them. When they do things wrong, they don’t even know it. Troy is a good guy. I know he is. He just didn’t understand what he was doing and feeling. Maybe he still felt something for Alexia, however small, but it was clear he loved you. It wasn’t like he lied about that.”
“Dealing with his bullshit for our entire relationship was exhausting, so when he told me he loved me, I thought all of that was gone. But then to come back to New York and immediately hear him say he needs to talk to Alexia was a slap in the face.” I shook my head and looked out the window.
Aspen fell silent, clearly giving up.
“Congratulations on having the perfect guy. But not everyone can have that.”
“Rhett isn’t perfect,” she said immediately. “And that’s okay. I don’t expect him to be.”
I turned back to her, feeling incredulous. “What’s not perfect about him?”
“I’m not a fan of what he does for a living. I never ask him about it and he never brings it up because it’s too difficult to discuss.”
“I was never a big fan of it either.”
“My point is, pick your priorities. Rhett has everything I want in another person—except that. Troy has everything you want in another person—except that.”
It wasn’t so simple.
“You’ve never loved a guy before,” she reasoned. “So try to make this work.”
I drank from my glass just so I had something to do.
Aspen’s eyes flicked over my shoulder and saw something. Judging the look on her face, I knew what she saw.
“Troy?”
“And Rhett,” she said. “They just walked in…”
“Of course they did.” That was my luck.
Rhett and Troy came to the table, but Troy didn’t look at me or speak to me. Rhett greeted Aspen, giving her a swift kiss on the lips before he pulled away. “Well, we’re just here to hang out,” he said awkwardly. “We’ll see you around.” He turned away, and Troy followed him without even glancing at me.
It hurt.
Aspen studied my face. “You wanted him to give you space.”
“I know…I didn’t think he would actually do it.”
“Harper.” Aspen gave me that firm look. “Don’t be stupid right now. You two love each other so just make it work.”
“I’m still mad.”
“Well, be mad together. Couples don’t break up every time they fight.”
“Well, couples don’t love someone else other than each other.”
She grew frustrated. It was clear on her brow and rosy cheeks. “Harper, you’re making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. I was mad at Troy because of what he did, and you deserved to be mad at him, but to dump him…that’s extreme. Don’t throw away a love over something petty.”
“Petty?” I asked offensively.
“Yeah,” she said firmly. “Petty.”
I tore my eyes away from her, irritated beyond reason. Troy and Rhett were at the bar, their backs turned to us. But then I saw a brunette I recognizes as clearly as the sun in the morning. Alexia was moving toward Troy. Why did that bitch always pop up?
Unable to move or react, I just watched them.
Alexia stopped dangerously close to him, and Troy tensed visibly like he couldn’t stand to even be in the same room with her. Then Alexia did something that made me want to chop her head off. Her eyes turned to me, and for a moment, we locked together. The look couldn’t be mistaken for an accident. Then she turned back to Troy, sharing a quiet conversation.
What the hell was she saying? Was she talking about me?
“What’s wrong?” Aspen asked.
“Alexia is making her move the second I vacate my spot…”
Aspen looked over her shoulder and watched the interaction. “She’s not even that pretty.”
No, she was very pretty. But Aspen was being a good friend pretending she wasn’t. The jealous part of me wanted to walk over there and tell her to get her hands off my man, but then I remembered he wasn’t my man. I had no right to do anything.
Then Troy moved away from her and walked out. He didn’t look at anyone, not even me, and then disappeared from the bar. Alexia watched him leave until he was gone from her sight. Then she turned to me. The look was full of unknown thoughts, but I assumed her intent was dark.
That cunt better not even think of talking to me.
Full of grace and confidence, she sauntered across the room and headed right for our table.
“Oh shit,” Aspen said. “Do not attack her, Harper. Your ass could be thrown in jail.”
“For murder?” I said without any humor in my voice.
“Just walk away if you need to,” she said. “That’s always an option.”
“You know me,” I said. “I never walk away.”
Alexia reached our table then she glanced at Aspen. “Hey.”
Aspen just stared at her.
Then Alexia looked at me. “So, you and Troy are done, huh?”
“Yep. He’s all yours, honey.”
She crossed her arms over her chest, making her tits look even perkier. “I wish. But he made it pretty clear, together or apart, he doesn’t want me.”
I liked hearing that but I would never admit it.
“Don’t tell him I said this.” She suddenly shifted her weight like she was uncomfortable, and the confidence in her eyes evaporated like a drop of water on a hot frying pan. “Troy is far more in love with you than he ever was with me. I had him, and stupidly, I lost him. I wish I could get him back but I just can’t. And…after everything I did to him and the way I hurt him, I want to make it right. Harper, he loves you and he’s miserable without you. I’m irrelevant now. He doesn’t look at me the way he used to. It’s like I’m a ghost that’s barely visible. You’re his whole world. You really don’t see that?”
I studied her suspiciously, finding it hard to believe this witch had a selfless bone in her body. “I think you’re full of shit.”
“Yeah?” she asked, not amused. “Well, I’m not. Did you see me try to talk to him just now? He can’t stand me, Harper.”
“Not many people can.”
She ignored the insult. “I do have an ulterior motive for this.”
“Of course, you do.”
“If Troy finds out I did this for him, then maybe he won’t hate me so much. So, if you do break up in the future, maybe he’ll consider giving me another chance. It’s my way of getting a little of his forgiveness.”
“That doesn’t sound selfless to me at all,” Aspen said coldly.
“It’s not,” she said. “But everything I said is true. You’re throwing away a great guy for a stupid reason. If you opened your eyes a little wider, perhaps you could see what’s right in front of you.” She flipped her hair over one shoulder like a trained supermodel. “Ball is in your court.” Then she strutted away.
I turned my gaze on Aspen.
“I think she’s telling the truth. Actually, I know she is.”
“And what difference does that make?”
“Come on, Harper.” She tilted her head to the side and gave me a sad look.
I finished my cosmo then looked out the window, feeling the sorrow in my heart.
Aspen sighed and dropped her look. “I hope you change your mind before it’s too late.”
***
A week had come and gone, and I realized just how miserable I was without Troy. The anger
kept me strong in the beginning, but now I was losing my resolve. The lack of Troy was making me insane. I couldn’t hold on much longer.
When I was at work, all I could think about was him. I didn’t respond to emails in a timely manner, and I forgot a few appointments altogether. I was falling apart with every passing day.
My apartment was hollow and lifeless without his laugh. And when I lay in bed, I tried to pretend he was beside me, wrapped around me. It was if a piece of my heart had died and now the rest of my body wasn’t getting enough blood.
Troy came to me in my dreams, and sometimes they were explicit. I missed feeling his tongue run along my body, I missed his face between my legs, and I missed the way he made love to me, giving me all the pleasure another man never could.
I missed everything.
Perhaps my emotions weren’t justified. Maybe I was being unfair. I reexamined everything I once believed in. Did it really matter if he still had feelings for her? It was obvious he didn’t anymore.
Unable to sit still and let another day without him pass me by, I went to his apartment. Once I was outside the door, I stood there and forgot how to knock. Minutes passed and I didn’t know what to say. Should I apologize? Should I say anything? Could we just move on?
I finally found the strength to knock, and when I did, it was much louder than I meant it to be. My hands were shaking and out of my control. Self-consciously, I touched my hair and wondered if he was staring at me through the peephole. A minute passed and he didn’t answer. I knocked again and feared he was mad at me. Maybe I waited too long. After I knocked a third time, I called him.
It immediately went to voicemail.
Why was his phone off? If he wasn’t home, where was he? I called the one person who would know.
Rhett answered immediately. “Hey, Harper. What can I do for you?”
“I’m looking for Troy. Do you know where he is?”
“Why?” he asked calmly.
“I want to see him.” My voice came out weak. “He’s not home and his phone is off.”