by Liliana Hart
“Deal.” Simon laughed as he shut the door behind him.
I was shaky, but the pee, shower and brush were so satisfying, I made it work. Had I really been out for two weeks? Shit. It was getting closer to Halloween and I still had no real clue what I was doing here.
I made my way back to my bedroom dressed in a fabu Max Midnight mini, a tight chocolate camisole and a killer pair of Prada flats that Fabio must have stolen while I was out of commission. At least I looked good and I would no longer asphyxiate someone with my breath…
“So,” I said as I greeted my audience that consisted of Fabio, Simon, Wanda and a happy and healthy little Bo. “I’ve been out for two weeks?”
“Yes,” Bo said as he threw his tiny body at mine and hugged my leg as if his life depended on it.
“I do believe,” I said as I stared pointedly at Simon, “that this proves I am not the Shifter Wiper.”
“Whisperer,” Bo corrected me sweetly.
“Right. Anyhoo, I think you guys might want to put an ad on Craigslist or get the word out that you need a healer who is into sadomasochism because that shit hurts.” Concerned glances passed between all the occupants in the room except for me.
“Iiiiit won’t always be that baaaaad,” Fabio purred as he rubbed himself on my legs that I’d just expertly shaved.
“And you know this how?” I narrowed my eyes at him and waited.
The little bastard huffed out a put-upon sigh and glanced longingly at his balls.
“If you even peek at your nuts again before you answer me, I will magically remove them,” I warned as I seated myself and grabbed a hot slice of pizza that Wanda had made. Goddess, it tasted good.
“I knoooooow this because I kneeew that woman Hildy when she started. Each time sheeeeee healed others, it took less tolllllll and she became more powerful.”
The more powerful thing was appealing because I was alarmingly shallow, but I wasn’t sure I believed the pain would ever lessen.
“I’m not entirely buying that shit, Fabio. And there is far more to that story,” I told him as wolfed down a second slice. “All I know is that my magic ass is grass if I don’t find my mission and solve it.”
“Have you considered that this may be your mission?” Simon inquired casually.
“Nope. I was not meant to live with Shifters in Assjacket, West Virginia for the rest of my life. I mean, you people don’t even have a mall, much less a Target. I’m not into pain and I don’t have a TV.”
“Yes, you do! A humongous one,” Bo said. “I’ve been watching cartoons for two weeks straight.”
One issue solved. “Whatever. I’m not the one you need.”
“But you’re the one we want,” Wanda said quietly. “Hildy was wonderful, but you…you’re a little crazy. In a good way,” she added quickly.
“You want a crazy witch who doesn’t like animals to be your Shifter Whopper?”
“Yes Zelda, we do,” Bo said with a huge smile on his face. He was missing his two front teeth and I had to look away it was so damn cute.
“Where are Chuck, Bob and DeeDee?” I asked as I sipped my icy cold soda.
“They left after you healed them, but they’ve checked in daily,” Simon said as he handed me a third slice. He was a sly one.
“Thank you,” I said with a mouthful. “Do any of you know how Hildy was killed?” I decided getting right to the point would save time considering I didn’t have a whole bunch left.
“We’re unsure, but we know it was violent,” Wanda said as she held out a fourth piece.
“I’m good,” I told her. They were a smart bunch. Bribing me with pizza was crafty. “I’ve heard about the violent part. How do you guys know it was violent if there was no body?”
Again, nervous glances were exchanged.
“Look, if someone was after the Shifter Wanker, don’t you think it would be nice if I had some idea of what might be after me?”
“So you accept your fate? You believe you are the Wanker?” Simon asked.
“Did you just call me a wanker?”
“You said it first.” His grin almost split his face.
“Point,” I agreed as I grinned back. “And no. I accept nothing. I’m just not in the mood to be offed anytime soon. So spill.”
“There was blood-—lots of blood all over Hildy’s kitchen,” Bo said.
“And her magic left the area after we found the blood,” Wanda added sadly.
That didn’t sound good. “Did she have enemies?”
“No more than anyone else,” Simon said as Fabio rolled his eyes.
“Cat, start talking.”
“Fiiiine. Hiiiildy was a menace. She liked to stir up trouble since the daaay she was hatched,” he hissed.
“I thought she was a witch.”
“Oh, she was, but she was a little on the unstable side,” Simon added. “In a good way.”
“Let me get this straight. She was basically an insanely imbalanced witch who courted trouble, fixed furballs and kept some kind of magical balance in the area?”
“She also was quite the fashion plate,” Simon chimed in.
“Don’t you see how perfect you are for the job?” Wanda shouted enthusiastically.
“Um Wanda, you’re not really helping here,” I told her.
This was not going to work for me. Yes, I was insane. Yes, some would describe me as an unbalanced trouble magnet. Yes, I could heal and yes, I was well dressed…but shit. I didn’t want to do this.
“Theeeere are more in the baaasement,” Fabio said as he delicately picked at the piece of pizza I’d declined.
“More what?”
“Moooooore injured Shifters, but you are too weak to fix theeeeeem.”
“Son of a bitch. How wounded are they?” I demanded as I stood and rushed to the door. “And how many?”
Simon grinned and elbowed an also grinning Wanda.
“Cut that shit out,” I snapped. “I don’t want dead animals in the basement. It will stink. I am not the Wanker, but I will see if I can help the bastards in the dungeon. Capisce?”
“Whatever you say,” Simon said. “Follow me.”
There were three and they were in bad shape. My stomach lurched at the thought I might be passed out for another two weeks, but they would most certainly die if I didn’t help them.
“You assbuckets need to stop trying to kill each other,” I admonished the new trio of Shifters. “I have about had it.”
“Will she help us?” a mountain lion asked Simon. “Is she capable?”
“She looks kind of off,” a bloody wolf added.
“Actually, I’d say she’s crazy,” a mangled rabbit chimed in.
“I can hear you,” I shouted, scaring the crap out of everyone, including Fabio, who jumped so high I laughed. “If you’re going to talk about me, I’d suggest you speak Russian or French. I don’t speak those languages and your insults will fly right over my head. If I don’t realize you’re mocking me I might not spay or neuter you in the process of your healing. However, since you’re stupid enough to have been discourteous, all bets are off as far as your reproductive organs go.”
“Is she serious?” the wolf asked, aghast.
“I think she’s hot,” the mountain lion grunted.
“Yes, hot, but definitely serious,” the rabbit tittered in a horrified voice.
“Thank you, O Great Lion. You shall keep your scrotum. The rest of you—it’s a maybe at best. Now get your bloody carcasses over here and let me have at you.”
The menagerie slowly lined up and waited in a terrified line for me to do my voodoo. I kind of liked the power I had over them until I had to actually heal them.
Thankfully Fabio was correct. It was easier this time, but it still hurt like a bitch. After repairing the lion’s throat, the wolf’s heart and the rabbit’s entire body I was nauseous and dizzy, but I was awake and in full possession of my body.
“All right, out of here unless you need to sleep or something,” I to
ld them. I didn’t want their names. I was getting too attached to the Shifters from the first round of healing. I needed a clean break soon and having feelings for people who turned into animals was not going to help.
“Youuuuu did goood, Zeeelda,” Fabio said as he pushed me toward a pile of bags in the corner of the basement.
“What are those?” I asked as I eyed the large shopping bags labeled Prada and Gucci and Barney’s…
“We came bearing gifts for the Shifter Whisperer,” the lion, now a very handsome man, said. Thankfully, he’d donned some pants and a shirt or I might have started drooling. “We heard you enjoy designer duds.”
“That’s very kind of you,” I said. It was difficult, but I held myself back from diving on the bags and tearing them open. “Is this how you, um…paid my Aunt Hildy?” I could possibly live with this...
The lion shifted back and forth uncomfortably. “Um, no. I usually just bent her over the chair and…”
“Enough!” Simon cut him off before he illuminated the room on my dead aunt’s sex life. Nice. I was definitely no longer attracted to the lion who had clearly popped my aunt.
“Sheeeeee was a sluuuuut like your motheeer,” Fabio announced.
“I do believe I already told you that I’m the only one who is allowed to bust on my mother’s morals.” I heaved out a sigh and paced the room. What I really needed was to get the hell out of the house and breathe fresh air. “I’m going for a walk.”
“We’ll come with you,” Wanda offered quickly.
“Actually Wanda, I want to be alone.”
“Is that safe?” she whispered to Simon.
“What are you talking about?” I demanded.
“It’s fine,” Simon assured me and the other Shifters nodded. “Your land is being patrolled by Mac and several other wolves.”
All of the Shifters bowed their heads in deference to this Mac dude. Well, all right then. I was getting the hell out for a bit. Mac and his posse clearly had it under control.
Chapter Eight
I had to admit Assbuckle, West Virginia was beautiful. The leaves were jewel-toned and fall blooms exploded all over the hill as I meandered away from the house. I knew they were all watching me from the windows so I walked farther away than I had planned. Which of course turned out to be a fantastically stupid idea.
I heard it before I saw it—teeth gnashing, growls, and screams. Instead of running away like any normal person would, I ran toward it. I was in no mood to have to heal any more hairy, bloody bastards. It was time for these idiots to get along.
Holy Hell. It was ugly with a capital U. There had to be at least twenty honey badgers and one wolf. The wolf was being attacked on every side. He was tearing them apart, but there were entirely too many and they were getting a piece of him with each strike. I watched for a brief moment, then my body jerked into action before my brain could process what a bad plan that might be.
Green and blood red magical fire whooshed up my arms and a fury consumed me. I was certain I looked like a Christmas tree inferno, but this was no time to be vain. Were these the fuckers that had tried to kill little Bo? And now they were after my bodyguard? Not on my clock.
I pointed and aimed. Blazing magic flew from my hands to the bad guys. Two honey badgers popped like watermelons when you dropped them off of a five-story building. How did I know this? Easy. I’d done it more times than I could count.
The wolf glanced over in shock for a moment and then went back to his fight with a viciousness that left me a bit breathless. I sure as hell hoped he was the good guy because I was popping badgers like I loved to pop bubble wrap. Between the two of us I was fairly sure we were winning.
It was all going swimmingly until my aim went awry and I zapped the wolf in the ass.
“Shit,” I screamed as I watched him drop to the ground with a thud. At least he didn’t pop.
The honey badgers that remained dove on him while several ran at full speed toward me. As soon as I was done here I was leaving this town. For real.
I lifted my arms and chanted to the Goddess.
“Evil is as evil does.
Help me save the day.
Take from this Earth the ones who sin.
Make them go away.”
In a massive blast of magic each and every honey badger was blown to smithereens and I couldn’t have been happier. Violence had never been my forte or desire, but when it came down to me or them I definitely voted for me. Now the wolf.
He was huge and smelled like sunshine and wind. WTF? Animals were supposed to stink. Thankfully he was still alive. Even though he was a bloody mess I wanted to bury my face in his fur. However, I needed to get the huge thing out of here. Who knew what else was lurking? Only one problem…he weighed a ton.
I considered going back for help, but there was no way I was leaving him out here alone and practically dead. So I dragged him. Magic helped, but I was a bit depleted from my honey badger kill-fest. I was sweating and got his blood on my mini skirt. That was unacceptable. I needed to zap myself into a clean skirt, but that would be using my magic incorrectly according to Bumpy Yumpy. I hated Bumpy Yumpy.
Thirty minutes later and now sporting blood on my Prada flats and chocolate cami, I was pissed. But I was home.
“Get your asses out here and help me,” I shouted.
Simon, Wanda, Bo, Fabio and the trio I didn’t want to know the names of came flying out of the house.
“Ohhhhhhh myyyyyy Goddesssss, what happened?” Fabio screeched.
“Honey badgers happened,” I hissed.
“And you’re still alive?” the rabbit asked.
“Apparently. And I sure as hell hope there are some flats in that Prada bag you brought because I ruined these. Help me get this damn wolf to the basement.”
Fabio came right to my side, but the others were frozen in shock. As Fab would be of little help dragging the wolf, I slapped my hands on my hips and stared down the crowd.
“Did you stop speaking English while I was out popping honey badgers?” I demanded.
“You popped them?” the mountain lion asked, impressed.
“Like ticks. Now help me.”
“That’s Mac,” the rabbit gasped. “What happened to him?”
“I had bad aim and I zapped him by accident,” I explained to the flabbergasted group. “What? I didn’t mean to.”
“He’s gonna be mad.” The wolf I’d healed was grinning from ear to ear.
“And that’s funny?” I ground out.
“Yep,” he answered. “Very funny.”
“Whatever. Just help me bring him to the basement.”
“I think it would be better and more appropriate if we took him to a bedroom,” Simon volunteered. He had gone pale and was shaking.
“Absolutely not. He may smell really good, but he’s bleeding like a stuck pig and I am not doing laundry. He goes to the basement or he can bite it on the front lawn.”
“You think he smells good?” The rabbit was surprised and all the damn Shifters tried to bite back delighted smiles. What was going on here?
“Yes. He smells good. So what?”
“Describe it,” the mountain lion insisted gleefully.
“Oh my Goddess, this is so dumb. He smells like sunshine and wind. You want to know anything else while he bleeds out on the grass?”
“Nope.” The mountain lion and wolf were positively ecstatic. They picked the wounded wolf up, took him to the basement and locked him in a cage.
“Is that really necessary?” I asked. “You can just leave him on the floor. You don’t have to lock him up like a convict.”
“Zeeelda just spent nine months in the pokey for killing meeeee,” Fabio explained to a now confused crowd.
“TMI, dude,” I told my cat. “Seriously, don’t lock him up.” I had no clue why locking the wolf up bothered me but it did.
“Trust me,” the rabbit chimed in. “It will be better for everyone if he’s incarcerated when he wakes up.”
> The shifters all moved quickly to the stairs and right out the front door, including Simon, Wanda and Bo.
“Um, is there a reason you all are leaving so soon?” I asked, now somewhat uncomfortable and more than a little freaked out. “Is he going to kill me or something like that?”
“Hell no,” my mountain lion buddy said. “He won’t harm a hair on your head. We just think you’ll need some privacy.”
With that cryptic message they left. It was me and Fabio against the world and the wolf.
“Was that as weird as I think it was?” I asked him.
“I’d haaave to say yesssss to that one.”
“Okay good, because I’d hate to think I was crazy.”
“Ohhhh, you’re crazy, buuut that was odd.”
“You’re a pain in my ass,” I told him as I flopped down on the couch and went for the remote of the lovely ginormous flat screen TV.
“Thaank youuuu. Can weeee watch Animal Planet?”
“No. No, we can’t. Nice try though.”
“How abooout Say Yes to the Dressssssss?”
“Now you’re talking.”
Chapter Nine
I jerked up and gasped as I wiped the drool from my mouth. I had clearly fallen asleep. Dragging several hundred pounds of wolf and getting bled on can do that to a girl. Fabio was on my head and the racket coming from the basement made me shudder. The wolf was awake and he wasn’t happy. His bellowing was in English and it was giving me a headache. Obviously he had shifted back to human form and was pissed. Suddenly it seemed like a very good idea that he was locked up, but if the violent cage rattling was any indication he wouldn’t be locked up for long. Shitshitshit.
“What do I do?” I hissed at Fabio as I pulled him off my head.
“Ruuun?” he suggested.
His recommendation had merit and I considered it for eight seconds, but the shouting got louder and I got mad.