by Stan Kirby
Poor kid, Eugene thought, looking around to see if he could spot the miserable expression on the doomed student’s face. Stuck looking like he’s wearing a white bowling ball on his head while he sings with Meredith Moo— BY THE BARF IN MY MOUTH! EUGENE MCGILLICUDY?! THAT’S ME!
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I don’t want to wear a white bowling ball on my head!”
“Oh, Eugene!” Mrs. Randle replied. “The snowman’s head isn’t a white bowling ball. It’s a white plastic ball . . . with holes for eyes.” She snapped the large, white ball on Eugene’s head.
“You look like you’re wearing a marshmallow helmet,” Charlie whispered. “Like Marshy the Evil Marshmallow King from Super Dude No. 56.”
“Come on, Eugene. You’re in the front row, now. Right next to Meredith.”
The walk from the back row to the front row, where he would be beside a fuming icicle in pink ribbons, was only fifteen feet, but to Eugene it felt like he was walking a billion miles with a marshmallow helmet on his head.
Eugene slid in next to Meredith. He had to get out of the front row. I’ll never be able to see any villains from here!
Eugene knew he couldn’t tell Mrs. Randle the truth. He couldn’t let anyone know he was really Captain Awesome. So he came up with the next best excuse.
“Mrs. Randle! The marshmallow helmet has brain-sucking eels inside! They’re sucking out my braaaaaains!” Eugene grabbed the sides of his head and fell to the ground. “Only . . . way . . . to save me . . . is to move me . . . into the . . . back row . . . again.”
Mrs. Randle stared at Eugene, slightly annoyed. “Eugene. It’s not a marshmallow helmet. It’s the head of the Sunnyview Snowman, but if you think you can do a better job, then you can make the snowman’s costume next year.”
“Braaaaaaaains . . .” Eugene gurgled and squirmed on the floor.
“I think someone is just acting out because they’re nervous about being the snowman . . . ,” Mrs. Randle said.
“I’d be nervous, too, if I danced like Eubean.” Meredith snorted.
“Let’s make a promise to each other, Eugene.” Mrs. Randle helped him up from the floor. “I promise that I’ll help you to be a GREAT snowman. And you promise me that you’ll stop ruining my costumes.”
Eugene felt the side of his head. Rolling around had dented the side of the Styrofoam helmet. Great. Now I’m going to be a blockhead snowman.
Eugene sighed. There was no way out. He would have to sing and dance with an angry pink Popsicle, and Charlie would have to be on villain patrol alone.
“Deal,” Eugene finally replied, knowing exactly how Super Dude felt when he had to disguise himself as a turnip to save the Cauliflower Kid from the steamy Cabbage Patch in Super Dude No. 12 Special Vegetarian Edition.
“Okay, my little snowflakes and icicles and snowmen and all you other wintry things, let’s try the play’s dance finale, ‘Jingle Bells’!” Mrs. Randle called out.
“Dashing through the snow, in a one course soapy day!” Eugene’s warbly voice warbled while he counted “One, two, three” in his head to keep his dancing feet in time with Meredith’s. But when Meredith spun left, Eugene spun right and . . .
Eugene crashed into Philip Fernbottom who was dressed as a winter pinecone. Then Philip stumbled and fell into Sonia DeRosa, a snowflake, who bumped into Charlie and caused the whole row of snowflakes to topple like white, glittery dominoes.
The music stopped as kids in various winter costumes rolled on their backs and waved their arms like overturned turtles.
“I don’t even know where to start,” Meredith started. “First of all, what does ‘One course soapy day’ even mean?”
“How should I know?” Eugene defended. “I didn’t write the song.”
“It’s ‘One horse open sleigh,’ Eubean,” Meredith corrected. “And you spun right when you were supposed to spin left. You do know the difference between left and right, right?”
“Yeah,” Eugene replied. He stood silently with his arms crossed, but then realized everyone was staring. “Left! See!” he snapped, raising his left hand.
“That’ll show her!” Charlie whispered, waddling on the ground near Eugene’s feet, waiting for someone to help him stand up.
CHAPTER 6
Chilly with a Slight Chance of Evil!
By
Eugene
“Any play rehearsal that ends with Meredith mad at you can’t be all that bad,” Charlie offered as the two boys walked home after school.
Eugene felt happy to be out of the snowman costume.
“I don’t know why Mrs. Randle picked me to be the snowman,” Eugene sighed, small white sparkles falling from his ear. “I can’t sing or dance and the snowman is the most important part of the play!”
“I know! I don’t know what Mrs. Randle was thinking!” Charlie laughed until he saw Eugene glaring at him. “I mean . . . I don’t know what Mrs. Randle was thinking . . . when she . . . made that snowman costume.”
“And the worst part is, I have to dance with My! Me! Mine! Mere-DITH!” Eugene groaned. “Oh, Charlie, why would Mrs. Randle do this to me?”
A light went off in Charlie’s head. “That’s it! There’s no better place to watch for the bad guys than center stage!”
“You’re right!” Eugene replied. “I’ll bet Mrs. Randle is a double undercover secret spy sent to help us defeat the evil bad stuff that evil does!”
“This calls for a Double Nacho Cheese Celebration!” Charlie cheered. He slid off his backpack and pulled out a can of nacho cheese.
EMPTY!
“Cheesy underwear! I’m out!” Charlie said in disbelief. “Do you have my backup can?”
“Don’t I always?” Eugene reached inside his backpack, but something besides Charlie’s canned cheese awaited within.
“It’s a note . . .” Eugene showed the crayon-scrawled paper to Charlie.
“‘Ice to meet you. My name is Mr. Chill,’” Charlie read, his eyes wide. “‘If you had cold feet at the rehearsal today, you’ll really get the big freeze tomorrow if you don’t quit the play. Catch my drift? PS This is snow joke.’”
“Someone wants me to quit the play? But who?” Eugene asked.
“I’ll bet it was Meredith!” Charlie gasped.
“Impossible!” Eugene said, studying the note. “Her writing is way nicer than this and she’d have little hearts and butterflies and pink unicorns with wings drawn all over it.”
Both boys stood in silence imagining the horrors of an evil note threatening to put the “big freeze” on Eugene, covered in hearts and butterflies and pink unicorns with wings.
“That’s just gross,” Charlie said.
CHAPTER 7
The Return of Mr. Chill
By
Eugene
Time passed. Hours turned into days and days turned into more days. Eugene practiced every day. He sang. He danced. He counted in his head. And then a very strange thing happened.
“Oh, what fun, it is to ride, in a one . . . horse . . . o-pen sleiiiiiiigh!”
Eugene sang the song perfectly. He didn’t knock down a single winter pinecone or snowflake or the angry, pink Icicle. He raised his little snowman arms into the air and belted out the last words of “Jingle Bells.”
Mrs. Randle was right. He could do this.
As the song ended, Eugene the Snowman stood perfectly still. The snowflakes of Sunnyview gathered around him and carefully placed decorations on his snowman costume.
“And as the snowflakes place the decorations on you, that’s when you say the last line of the play, “‘Snow glad you could all come. Happy holidays!’” Mrs. Randle said.
But Eugene wasn’t listening. He was doing something much more important. His eyes scanned the faces of his fellow Winter Wonderland performers. Who wrote that note? he wondered. Which one of you wants me out of the play?
Meredith as the angry Icicle was the last one to place a decoration on Eugene with a big, fat YAWN!
“That
was wonderful! Simply wonderful!” Mrs. Randle gushed. “And Eugene . . . you were marvelous.”
Eugene didn’t reply. His cheeks turned red, and he stared at the ground.
“But Meredith, my dear . . .” Mrs. Randle continued, “the end is supposed to be a celebration. You looked so . . . bored.”
“Don’t you worry,” grumpy Meredith said to Mrs. Randle. “When that curtain rises on opening night, I’ll bring it.”
As Mrs. Randle continued giving tips to the rest of the students, Eugene gave a thumbs-up to Charlie.
Within seconds, the boys were backstage digging their superhero outfits from their backpacks.
“Over here!” Captain Awesome whispered.
Nacho Cheese Man grabbed a can of hot dog–flavored cheese and crept with Captain Awesome behind a large dressing mirror.
“We can hide back here and watch my backpack!” Captain Awesome explained in an awesome, yet still very whispery voice.
And then—as Nacho Cheese Man took the first suck of flavored canned cheese—THEY SAW IT!
“Mun mand mat matmack!” Nacho Cheese Man leapt from behind the large mirror and shouted, his tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth.
“Freeze or face Captain Awesome’s One–Two Spinning Punch!” Captain Awesome called out. He spun around and around, his arms extended like blades of a helicopter.
The hand dropped the note! Running footsteps echoed!
Captain Awesome spun in two more circles, staggered forward and tripped over his backpack.
“Whoa . . . dizzy . . . too much whirlwinding . . .”
“Mall met mim!” Nacho Cheese Man said, trying desperately to unstick his tongue from the roof of his mouth.
Then, something moved! The heroes spun and faced a walking pinecone!
“AAAAAAAAAH!” they both screamed before realizing it was just Philip Fernbottom.
“Whoa,” Philip said. “Are you guys in the play?”
“Yes! In the ‘play’ of Good versus Evil!” Captain Awesome replied. “But there’s no singing or dancing. There’s only the crushing of evil beneath my Superhero Sneakers.”
Philip Fernbottom took one look at himself dressed as a giant pinecone and said, “I wanna be in your play.”
But it was too late. Captain Awesome and Nacho Cheese Man were gone. Into the back wings of the stage they raced! Something moved again! This time it wasn’t a pinecone. Someone was behind the giant cardboard candy cane leaning against the wall . . . and it sure wasn’t one of Santa’s elves.
Nacho Cheese Man ran to the other side of the candy cane, cutting off all hope of escape for the cowering bad guy.
“Show your face, if you dare!” Captain Awesome said.
A boy stood up from behind the candy cane prop.
“The Whiney Whimperer?!” Captain Awesome and Nacho Cheese Man gasped in unison.
“Why can’t you call me ‘Mr. Chill?’” Jake Story whined. “I don’t like being called ‘The Whiney Whimperer.’”
“Sorry, villain, but we get to name the bad guys, not you,” Captain Awesome replied. “That’s just what goodness does!”
“And the other thing goodness does is to find out who you’re working for!” Nacho Cheese Man called out as the two heroes rushed into action!
CHAPTER 8
Jake and the Stampeding Elephant
By
Eugene
“I only wanted Eugene to quit the play so I could be the star,” Jake confessed. His red, greased-back hair made it look like he had orange jam smeared all over his head. “I’m a better triangle player than he is and a better dancer! Watch!”
Jake danced. Sort of. He looked more like a puppet flopping about after some of his strings had been cut. He did a final spin and crashed into Nacho Cheese Man.
“Okay, so, maybe I need to work on that part a little bit more, but I’m still a better triangle player!” Jake whined.
“The only thing you’re better at is making my ears hurt,” Captain Awesome replied. “Now, who else is in on your chilly plan of evil?!”
“Yeah! Who are you with?!” Nacho Cheese Man snapped. “I’ll bet it’s Dr. Spinach! Or Queen Stinkypants!”
“No one! I don’t even know who Queen Spinach and Dr. Stinkypants are! Honest!” Jake claimed. “I was just tired of Eugene getting all the attention. It’s just like at home. No one ever pays attention to me.”
With all that bright red hair on Jake’s head, Captain Awesome found it hard to believe at first, but then he thought about the times that his own parents hovered over Molly and he felt totally forgotten.
He could be playing a trumpet on the back of a stampeding elephant crashing cymbals with its trunk and the only reaction his parents would have would be “Oooo! Molly just made a stinky in her diaper! Who’s our little stinky stinkpot?”
Captain Awesome knew that his parents would never, ever really forget him, but sometimes that’s still how he felt.
Sometimes.
“Please don’t tell Mrs. Randle!” Jake pleaded. “I don’t want to be kicked out of the play!”
“Don’t worry, Jake,” Captain Awesome said, calling the boy by his real name. “Your secret is safe with Captain Awesome and Nacho Cheese Man.”
“Yeah! And that’s what you get for going up against Captain Awesome and—” Nacho Cheese Man threw a confused look to Captain Awesome. “Wait. Did you just say ‘your secret is safe?’”
“Yes, Nacho Cheese Man. Safe. If there’s one thing Super Dude taught us, it’s that sometimes you gotta kick evil in the butt, sometimes you gotta punch evil in the face, but sometimes what you really need to do is . . . help. Like Super Dude says, it’s the job of a true hero to know the difference.”
“Cheesy-yo . . . ,” Nacho Cheese Man whispered in a voice mixed with wonder and admiration. “And that’s one more reason why they call him ‘Super Dude . . .’”
Captain Awesome turned from his crime-fighting friend and extended his hand to Jake.
CHAPTER 9
It’s a Winter Wonderland After All
By
Eugene
“I think I’m gonna puke!” Eugene groaned.
Charlie took a big step to the left. “You’ll be fine,” he said, then took another step away just to be safe.
“But everyone in the world is out there!” Eugene replied. He peeked through the curtain to see the school auditorium packed with parents and families.
“It’s opening night! How’s my little snowman doing?” Mrs. Randle asked.
“I think I’m gonna puke!” Eugene groaned.
Mrs. Randle took a big step to the left. “You’ll be fine,” she said, then took another step away just to be safe.
It was finally the night of the play! The curtain rose to thunderous applause. The snowflakes shuffled out to the main stage.
“Go get ’em!” Jake whispered to Eugene as he passed.
Charlie added, “You’ll do great!”
The music started. Eugene waited in the wings for his cue.
GURGLE!
His stomach was going on a roller-coaster ride around his heart.
LOOP!
Then it was in his nose.
ZOOM!
Then it took a twisting turn down to his knees.
And then, just as Eugene’s stomach was rocketing down to his ankles, he caught a glimpse of himself in the dressing mirror.
He wasn’t just wearing a giant marshmallow suit with a bright red scarf. He was wearing a costume. Yes, he looked like a little cloud with sneakers floating behind a red curtain, but it was still a costume he was wearing . . .
Just like my Captain Awesome outfit . . . , Eugene realized.
And suddenly his stomach’s wild ride slowed down just a little bit. Then as Eugene calmed, a horrible “waaah!” of horribleness filled his ears!
“WAAAAAH!” a voice cried out from the audience.
I’d know that waaahing waaah waah anywhere! Eugene thought and yanked back the curtain.
And there she was! His most stinky of enemies!
QUEEN STINKYPANTS!
But what was she doing here?!
Maybe she just wants to see me sing and dance, Eugene wondered. Even villains have been known to enjoy a nice winter play. . . .
What am I thinking?! Eugene said to himself. My snowman helmet must be on too tight! Queen Stinkypants can only be here for one reason . . . TO MAKE SURE THIS PLAY STINKS!
But there was no time to change into his Captain Awesome outfit. Eugene had to stop Queen Stinkypants from ruining the play! Every parent had one arm in the air, recording their kids with their smartphones. A hundred childhood memories would be forever ruined by the stinky stink of Stinkypants!
“The show must go on!” Eugene the Snowman shouted and rushed onto the stage!
CHAPTER 10
A Surprise Star
By
Eugene
CHEERS!
APPLAUSE!
HOORAY!
The play was perfect, filled with laughs, smiles and 152 individual smartphone cameras. And the strangest thing? It was all a blur for Eugene. His snowman instincts took over, and he danced and sang like he’d been doing the same thing every night for his entire life.
Even Meredith the Icy Icicle did a great job. When she told Mrs. Randle not to worry about her once the curtain went up, she wasn’t kidding.