by Sharon Green
"You're a hard woman," he said with a sigh, following my example as to language. Other than that he turned to his back again, tucked his hands behind his head, and looked up at me. "As far as the test goes, I'm not the one to ask about it. How did it go from your end?"
"It wasn't as simple as I thought it would be," I admitted, running both hands through my hair while my elbows rested on my knees. "Isn't there some way to get rid of her so I can get on with this project in peace?"
"Not without going back home," he said, watching me closely without moving. "I'll call Dameron and arrange for retrieval."
"Forget it," I repeated, giving him a sour glance. "As far as the project goes, nothing has changed. If I don't go there's no one waiting to be sent in my place. I'll have to manage just as I am."
"Manage to do what?" he asked, keeping his tone level. "Get yourself killed? The men on this world don't fool around. If your … alternate personality comes out at the wrong time, you probably won't have the chance to repair the damage. It's too much of a risk."
"Breathing in and out is a risk," I countered. "And you forget one thing: I'm supposed to be Bellna. If I slip as Bellna, there's not much harm done. After it's all over, I'll just have to stay away from people until I'm picked up. I've lived off the land before; I won't starve or trip over something with teeth and claws."
"I still don't like it," he said, finally sitting up straight and folding his legs in front of him. "There are so many things that can go wrong that we didn't dare ask the computer to list them; it would still be working on the question. What if you can't avoid being among people? What if you do trip over something with teeth and claws? What if you run afoul of something we haven't even thought of? I keep getting visions of you lying half under a bush, awash in your own blood, complete vacancy behind those pretty blue eyes. I don't think I could shrug off being partly responsible for the death of a young girl with everything to live for."
I could see him fairly well in the flickering candlelight, and he wasn't joking or being sarcastic. He really felt concern for me, but for the strangest reason.
"You're not by any chance thinking of me as being as young as I look, are you?" I asked suddenly, bringing a flash of startlement to his eyes. "Bellna is this young and innocent and helpless; I'm not. Putting me half under a bush, awash in my own blood, has been tried before any number of times. It didn't work then, and it's not guaranteed to work now. If you don't believe that, I'll be glad to prove it by tossing you into the fireplace. Just say the word."
"I think I can get along well enough without your kind offer," he answered, a faint smile just beginning to curve his lips. "I'm not that easy to toss into a fireplace, but I'm willing to stipulate the fact that you're competent. The only question is, are you competent enough to overcome the handicap you have? Will you be able to handle it no matter what the situation?"
"Well, I can think of one situation when I may not be able to handle it," I said, deciding to try some calculated misdirection. "I'm glad you didn't try beating me with that belt; I don't know if I could have kept control of myself."
"You think you would have lost control to Bellna?" he asked with a frown. "Because of a beating? What makes you think she would have dominated you at a time like that?"
"I'm not talking about her dominating me," I said, shaking my head as I lay back down and stretched out. "In fact, the matter has nothing to do with Bellna. I'm the one with an aversion to being beaten, and I've been known to be somewhat … harsh with people who try it. I had a run-in with a heavy whip once, and the passage of time hasn't done much to make me forget the experience."
"Harsh," he echoed, a strange expression on his face as he looked down at me. "Your eyes turn soulless when you say that. I've never had a heavy whip used on me, but I can imagine what it must be like. Tell me what was done to you."
"It's impossible to imagine what it's like without experiencing it," I said, unable to keep the … harshness out of my tone even though I looked away from him. "As far as the rest of it goes, I'd rather not discuss it."
"You're trembling," he said, his hand suddenly on my arm. "Of course we don't have to discuss it if you don't want to. Are you all right?"
I turned my head back to him and nodded without speaking. I always trembled when I thought about that one particular incident, and not just from anger. Anyone who thinks they would react differently and more bravely is invited to try it for themselves.
"You shouldn't have much to worry about on that score at least," Grigon said, moving his other hand to stroke my hair. "Most men on this world would rather bed a female than beat her, especially one who looks like Bellna. Your peasant girl role was good enough to mollify anyone who wasn't actively bent on harming Bellna; if you run into the other kind, you're free to defend yourself. If you were able to keep me from seeing such deep-seated emotions when you brought my belt, you should be able to retain control at other times. I feel considerably better about this now."
"I'm glad to hear that," I said, producing a smile to match the one he was wearing. "With that in mind, I think I ought to get some sleep now. Tomorrow will be a busy day."
"Uh, yes, tomorrow," he agreed, suddenly looking more reluctant than friendly or approving. "I suppose you will need your rest. Are you sure there isn't anything else you need … that I could help you with?"
"Don't tell me you're asking," I said with brows high, raising up on one elbow toward him. "What happened to the demands and orders?"
"They go with the other characters," he said, showing a grin. "In my own persona, I don't indulge in rape unless I have to. And that 'have to' refers to professional necessity, not last-ditch desperation. If you tell me to walk away, it won't be the first time I've done it."
"Then I don't have to feel guilty about making you do it again," I said, lying back down. "Good night."
"That value judgment is open to debate," he muttered with a sigh, taking his hands away from me. "Merely expressed as a wish to be granted, however, I offer the same back to you. Sleep well."
I waited until he had gotten off the bed and had started for his clothes before calling him back. I'd been curious to see if he really meant what he'd said about leaving, and at that point there was no doubt. Although rape tends to turn me stubborn, free agreement on all sides is another matter entirely. And his abruptly terminated performance earlier had gotten me curious about how he would do under other circumstances. He came back to the bed with a soft laugh, took me in his arms, then proceeded to make my struggle with Bellna less of a struggle. My invisible guest was losing both her fear and her reluctance, but her over-enthusiasm was something left to be worked on. I had a very pleasant time - but Bellna loved it.
Chapter Four
I awoke when the automatic sensing system I've developed over the years told me I was no longer alone in the room. I could hear soft, whispered conversation, and could see the sudden glow of a just-lit candle through my slitted eyes. Whoever the intruders were, they certainly weren't trying to sneak up on me. A second candle cut the dimness, and another whisper joined the others. The last whisper overrode the first two sharply, and there was a brief period of silence during which I could see three long-skirted figures moving across the carpeting in front of the fireplace.
A fourth skirted form passed behind the first three to the hearth, set wood in it, then worked briefly to get a fire going. While this was being accomplished the first three opened a large box, pawed through its hidden contents, then began to argue in very low tones. All four of the intruders were female, and Bellna's thoughts indicated they were servants. I hadn't been told to expect any servants, but then I hadn't been told much of anything.
The four seemed to be trying very hard not to wake me up, and the chill in the room's air did well to convince me that staying in bed was probably my best course of action. I yawned silently, snuggled down farther under the covers, and continued with my best course of action.
I wasn't sleepy enough to fall asleep again,
but the comfort of the warmed silk cradling my body set my mind to drifting. It was highly unlikely that the four women were anything other than the servants Bellna thought them, and that meant my last-ditch effort with Grigon the night before hadn't worn off the way I'd been afraid it might.
Grigon had been very attentive and considerate while making love to me, but most mature men have no trouble separating bed time from thinking time. If he hadn't downchecked me for the project it meant that he really had been convinced by the story I'd told him. Not that the story wasn't true. There are an uncounted number of times when truth will do more for you than lying; the catch is in knowing when one of those times has come by.
I felt a contented purr in my mind, and realized that Bellna was also thinking about Grigon. He was talented enough to satisfy almost any woman, but especially one with Bellna's limited experience. She'd lost control almost from the first moment he'd entered me, but I'd been able to ignore her until Grigon began to trot out various facets of his talent. There are certain things no woman alive can ignore, especially if she starts out aroused.
Grigon had the advantage over me the second time, and he wasn't shy about pushing for all he was worth. I'd felt my control slipping, fought to regain it, then realized that I couldn't fight. My awareness was sliding into Bellna's, the two of them running together, the resulting consciousness completely bound to the man who laughed softly as he watched me. Grigon obviously knew total surrender when he saw it; the rest of our time together had been filled with pleasure, but I'd had no say in any part of it.
I'd felt nothing but satisfaction at the time, but looking back on it was somewhat embarrassing, just as Bellna's girlish memories were. My feeling the way she did had caused the bonding between us, but was that any better than having her assume control? The resulting personality didn't do things the way I did; it might be best if I tried to avoid -
"Forgive me, Highness, yet I must awaken you," a soft voice interrupted my thoughts, coming from right beside the bed. I opened my eyes to see a young girl, her hands held nervously before her, no more of her expression visible than the tremor in her voice. I was basing my guess as to her age on the sound of her voice, but when she stepped back and turned enough so that the candlelight touched most of her face I saw I was right.
"Inform the princess that her coach and escort have already arrived," a stage-whisper came from one of the other three. "We must hasten if we are not to anger the captain."
"You need have fear of angering none save me," I interrupted with Bellna-huffiness, sitting up while making sure I held the covers modestly over myself. "Who is this captain you speak of, and how dare he make demands of me?"
"Captain Fallan is the leader of your mercenary escort, Highness," the quavering answer came, this time directly from the girl who had whispered before. She stood with the other two not far from the fireplace, all four of them looking nervous and uncomfortable. "Though he uttered no words of demand, we were instructed to ready you as quickly as possible. It would be foolish to ignore such instructions, for mercenaries are known to have little patience, most especially captains of mercenaries."
The girl stopped to breathe after getting all that out in a rush, the other three nodding their heads in agreement. All four of them were young, no more than sixteen at the most, and all of them were clearly peasants. They wore long print skirts made from some cheap material, low-cut blouses that had once been white, had solid-colored shawls tied around their hips out of the way, and were barefoot. Bellna didn't know any of them, and couldn't understand why they were here. The female servants who usually looked after her were trained ladies' maids, efficient, genteel - and quietly obedient.
"We were brought here by Captain Fallan for the express purpose of assisting you to readiness," the girl next to the bed said, drawing my eyes back to her. "We had best do so immediately."
"Had we really," I murmured, letting Bellna's annoyance touch me. "Have you ever before been privileged to serve a Princess?" They all shook their heads, looking confused, and I nodded. "I thought not. You have much to learn before you will be acceptable. Bring me a wrap."
None of the four was terribly pleased with my attitude, and I could see they were having difficulty remembering and accepting my higher social position. If I'd been older than them it would have been easier all around, but I wasn't older and I might even have been younger. One of the two who hadn't spoken yet, a pretty redhead with a good figure, went to the large box I'd seen them open earlier and pulled out a long, tie-around dress. The tie-around was the wrap I'd asked for, and when she brought it to the bed I threw the covers aside, stood up, and let her put it around me.
"You may bring beverages and foods to break my fast," I informed them haughtily as I tied the tie-around. "When I have finished my repast, you may then dress me."
The two who had done all the talking so far began to sputter as a prelude to arguing, but I wasn't listening to anything I didn't want to hear. I moved between the heavy curtain and the bed, found the lighter arrangement Grigon had used the night before, lit the candle, then went back to jerk the drapes closed in the faces of my new servants. They were half outraged and half frightened, but I didn't think they'd make the mistake of outright disobedience. They may not have liked it, but I was a princess.
I spent some time behind the curtain making use of the room's chamber pot in private, then went out to find that two of the four girls, the two talkative ones, were gone. The other two glanced at me uncomfortably, but kept quiet as I went to the chair in front of the fire and sat down.
Their disapproval was as loud as shouting, but as long as they didn't say anything out loud Bellna was satisfied, which meant that I was satisfied. I was more eager to get going than to stop for a meal, but letting myself be rushed wouldn't have been in character. Bellna was used to doing things her way, so obnoxious was the way I would have to play it.
It didn't take long for the two girls to get back, and they didn't look happy. One of them carried a tray and the other opened the door for her, and the two of them hurried over to where I sat.
"Captain Fallan sends his compliments, Princess," the second one said while the first, the one who had been nearest the bed, put the tray across the arms of the chair I sat in. "He wishes you a hearty repast, yet asks that you partake of it as quickly as possible. Dawn approaches swiftly, and it is best that we be on our way before then."
"He swore when he heard you had not yet dressed," the girl who had carried the tray blurted, her face pale in the candlelight. She had brown hair just as the second girl did, but looked fractionally younger. "Had it been I he swore at, I would not have been able to cease trembling. His anger grows as his patience thins."
"And yet the word he sent was most courteous," I pointed out, lifting the thick wedge of bread smeared with what looked like butter. "He may swear as he wishes in the presence of peasants, yet would my father have his tongue out were he to do the same before me. He will wait as long as necessary, for it is in my service that he moves. Was the lord Grigon as displeased as he?"
"The lord spoke no word in our presence, yet did he seem touched by annoyance," the girl answered, glancing at her friends. They weren't used to seeing a female get away with murder when dealing with men, and they weren't sure whether or not they liked it.
"The lord Grigon will also survive," I said with a sniff, then tackled the fried meat and boiled oats on my plate. The meal was a quick, slapped-together affair that Bellna didn't care for, but rather than refuse to touch it I simply showed distaste while slowly shoveling it in. I did have to get the show on the road, and could intelligently delay things only so long. The four girls stood around watching me, the oddest expressions on their faces, their annoyance growing when they realized I was ignoring them just as much as I was ignoring the men.
Even the slowest meal has to come to an end, and the girls were all ready for me when I indicated that the wooden tray could be taken. I'd spent a small amount of time privately admir
ing the intricately carved bone that was used in place of wood or metal plates, and could finally understand Dameron's reference to collectors. The bone plate would have fit well into my own collection of rare and beautiful things, but there was no way for me to get it out of here. The only practical solution would be to come back for it once all the excitement was over, but that time was a long way off. I had to live through everything in between first, and that might turn out to be easier said than done.
Once the tray was taken I had to let myself be dressed. I would have preferred to do it alone, without help, but that would have been out of character. The underwear I had managed to avoid in the base was the first thing produced, to Bellna's satisfaction and the girls' amusement. The bottom part fit tight down to below my knees, was drawn closed at my waist, and was made up of frilly layers of lace. The top part was a short-sleeved, waist-long jacket with lacings in front, made of silk without frilly layers, as confining as a straitjacket with the lacings closed.
Raising my arms so that the underdress could be put on me wasn't the easy gesture it should have been, setting me to wonder how I was supposed to fight in that rig. A light blue dress had been supplied to take the place of the dark blue one Grigon had torn, and then I was urged into the chair so that my boots could be put on and laced.
My underwear came to just about the top of the boots, and with the long sleeved, high-collared dress, I was covered all over. Bellna considered that the only decent way to appear in public, but I couldn't help wishing there was some way to be indecent yet stay in character. The blazing fire was making me sweat, and outdoors would hardly be better. The nights grew cool around here, but the days were pleasantly warm.
After my hair had been combed to Bellna's satisfaction, I led the way out of the room. It was useful being able to leave some of the small details to the Bellna presence, but I had to be careful not to do it too often. Something like that could get to be a habit, and habits like that I didn't need.