by Elle Croft
‘Are you all right?’
I could hear the panic in Alex’s voice, and I paused to steady my breathing, to make sure I wasn’t absorbing the emotion that crackled down the line from my best friend.
‘I’m fine,’ I said. ‘Physically, anyway. I mean, I can’t really think about anything else right now. I still don’t think I really believe it.’
‘Me neither,’ she breathed. ‘Is there anything I can do? Can I send you anything?’
‘Actually, that’s why I called. I have a favour to ask you. It’s a big one.’
‘Anything, Bethany, you know that.’
‘I need you to promise me something first,’ I said.
‘What is it?’
‘You can’t tell Jason anything about this conversation.’
‘Bethany …’ She trailed off.
‘I’m serious. Please. Not a word.’
‘All right,’ she sighed. ‘What do you need?’
‘I need you to come in and see me next week. Alone.’
‘Of course I’ll come and see you,’ she said, audibly relieved that I wasn’t asking for something she didn’t want to agree to.
‘And I need you to bring divorce papers.’
Chapter Fifty-six
‘Are you sure about this?’
I looked at Alex, trying to find the words to convince her that I was making the right decision.
‘I’ve ruined his life enough,’ I replied.
She crossed her arms over her chest, challenging me to a better answer.
‘Come on, Alex,’ I pleaded, staring at the envelope peeking out of her bag. She was holding it to ransom, the payment being a satisfactory explanation from me. She didn’t move.
‘Well, for starters,’ I said, ‘I thought he’d murdered Calum, so I’m pretty sure no marriage can survive that, in the long run.’
I watched Alex flinching at my words.
‘That was all my fault,’ she admitted. ‘I was the one who put that idea in your head. You’d never have thought of it if I hadn’t suggested he did it. I feel awful, really. I do. But you can’t blame yourself for that.’
‘Of course I would have thought of it,’ I argued. ‘I was so selfish, all I was thinking about was myself. He would have become a suspect sooner or later.’
‘Bethany, even Jason doesn’t blame you for that. He’s too busy punishing himself for handing you in to the police. He thinks if you’d run, things would have turned out differently.’
He wasn’t wrong. But now wasn’t the time for what-ifs.
‘See?’ I said. ‘There are far too many betrayals between us. I had an affair, for God’s sake, Alex. And then I blamed him for murdering Calum. And then he turned me over to the police to be tried for murder. I mean, I just don’t see how we can come back from that, can you?’
‘You’re in love,’ Alex offered tentatively.
‘That’s kind of irrelevant now,’ I said bitterly. ‘And even if we could overcome all of the dishonesty and hurt, I can’t put him in any more danger. The killer’s still out there, and until I know who it is I’m not going to keep putting Jason at risk just for being married to me.’
‘What do you mean, until you know who it is?’
‘I mean exactly that. I’m going to keep looking into it.’
‘But … where would you even start? There’s no evidence. Nothing.’
‘There has to be something. We were all just looking in the wrong direction this whole time.’
‘Bethany,’ she said patiently, ‘whoever did this is still just as dangerous now as they were when they killed Calum. Why would you want to go and kick the hornets’ nest again?’
‘Because I have to know what happened. I have to know why Calum died, and who did it, and why they framed me for it. Don’t you want to know, too?’
‘Of course I do,’ she cried. ‘But I don’t think it’s safe – for anyone – if you start investigating something that’s been put to rest. We could all be in danger again. You. Me. Jason.’
I ignored Alex’s selfish concern. As much as I tried to avoid acknowledging it, she was right about one thing. As far as the police were concerned, the case of Calum’s murder was closed. They’d caught the killer and brought her to justice. They weren’t going to put any time or effort into helping me – or anyone else – find who really did this.
‘I can’t let you do this,’ she said. ‘I can’t just watch you go crazy trying to figure this out, while luring a killer right to you and to the people you love. You said you wanted to protect Jason. Well, the only way you can do that is to let it go.’
‘I wasn’t—’
‘They won’t believe you.’ She didn’t even acknowledge my interruption. Her gaze was focused on a point above my head. ‘It’s a closed case, and you’re the killer, as far as they’re concerned. There’s no grounds for appeal. It’s done, and you’re safest right here. You need to keep your head down, be invisible, and hope you get a few years knocked off your sentence for good behaviour.’
‘I know that,’ I moaned, frustration building. ‘God, don’t you think I know? My life is over. It’s all I think about every second of every day. But what do you want me to do – just rot in prison for a quarter of a century knowing that whoever did this is still out there? I can’t, Alex. No matter how pathetic and hopeless my life is, I can’t just accept it and forget about what’s been done to me. And if you were really my friend you would understand that.’
A long, heavy silence descended on us, and I watched Alex trying to process everything that I’d said. Her face was pale, concern scrawled all over it.
‘Of course I’m your friend,’ she said finally, reaching across the table to touch my hand. ‘And I do understand. I’m just scared for you. You’re safe here. As horrible as it might be, at least Calum’s killer can’t reach you. But if you start poking around, trying to get answers … well, I just don’t want to see you getting hurt again. I want this whole ordeal to be over for you.’
‘I know,’ I said. ‘Me too. But that’s why I can’t stay married to Jason. Don’t you see? If I’m looking for the killer, Jason isn’t safe. If we’re divorced, it’s much harder for someone to threaten him to keep me quiet.’
Alex sighed deeply, then reached for the envelope in her bag.
‘I’ve tabbed everywhere you need to sign,’ she said. ‘Are you going to ask Jason to sign his parts, or do you want me to do it?’
‘Thanks, but this is something I have to do. I do have one more favour to ask, though.’
‘I really hope I like it more than this favour,’ she said wryly.
‘Will you look after Jason?’ I asked, my voice cracking.
Her eyes instantly filled with tears.
‘Oh, Bethany. Of course I will.’
‘You need to make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid,’ I added. ‘It’s one thing for me to put myself in danger by looking into my case, but he needs to leave it alone. Do you promise me?’
‘I promise,’ she said.
I took her hand, knowing I’d be told off by a guard within seconds, but not caring.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘For everything. I have made so many horrible mistakes, but you’ve always been there. And I know I’m asking a lot, but I just need to know that Jason will be all right. I need to know that someone will be there for him.’
‘It’s OK,’ she urged, squeezing my hand tightly. ‘I’ll be there for him. I’m more worried about you doing something stupid.’
‘Don’t worry,’ I said, a laugh turning sour in my throat. ‘There’s nothing left for me to lose.’
Chapter Fifty-seven
As I waited for Jason to be escorted into the visitation room, I turned over the words I’d rehearsed again and again.
There would be no small talk. Jason was too scared to tell me about anything that was happening at home, anyway. He worried that being updated on the details of his life – our old life – would upset me. He was right, of course, but I wan
ted to hear it anyway. And for my part, I was too scared to tell him about my day-to-day life in prison. I knew how much he’d worry if he knew about the woman three cells down from me who’d tried to kill herself with a pillowcase two nights ago, or the threatening stares I got from the women who were once members of Calum Bradley’s fan club.
Prison wasn’t all grim and frightening, although it was still a far cry from fun. I had made some friends here. It was impossible not to when I’d spent eight months with the same women day in, day out. Some of them took pity on me, and I think a few saw me as a kind of uncanny celebrity. They’d seen me on the news before I had even arrived, and my trial was so highly publicised that everyone knew who I was before long. I wasn’t sure if that was a blessing or a curse.
There weren’t many convicted murderers here. There were fewer than thirty of us with life sentences, which meant I stood out even more. Most people were here on charges of theft or drugs; non-violent crimes. Anne-Marie, in the cell next to mine, stole a car because her pimp boyfriend threatened to strangle her – again – if she didn’t. Her sentence was only ten months, but this was the second time she’d been in jail and she didn’t think it’d be her last. There were so many stories like hers, which surprised me at the start. Most of the women here weren’t mean or stupid. They’d just found themselves in bad cycles they couldn’t seem to climb out of.
Some of them looked at me with fear. They didn’t meet a lot of murderers. The others were in solitary confinement or they kept to themselves, and I tried as much as I could to avoid them. I didn’t want to end up in some kind of femme fatale club. That certainly wouldn’t help people to believe my constant proclamations of innocence.
But it wasn’t like anyone was listening, anyway. No one cared. As far as any of my new neighbours were concerned, I’d stabbed Calum Bradley to death in a doorway and almost got away with it. I was the Billionaire Butcher of the newspaper headlines.
But it wasn’t really my fellow inmates whose opinion I lost sleep over. It was the people in my old life, and not even the ones who mattered, like my parents, who would never stop believing in me. It was Mark, who testified so easily against me, and Fran, who just hadn’t been in touch since I sold the business. It was the Starbucks barista who used to add a smiley face after my name when he took my morning latte order. I knew it shouldn’t matter, but it bothered me that these people could think me capable of the atrocities I’d been convicted for.
I tried not to dwell on it, but with so much time on my hands it was difficult not to obsess.
I’d become fixated on time since being here; the minutes until my next meal, the days till my weekly canteen order, the hours before I could step out into the fresh English air. Time stretched, was totally elastic, when you had no liberty. I watched the clock with a kind of fervour, like somehow wishing the seconds away would make them scurry along. I tried to focus on researching case law from the few books in the library that were actually relevant, instead of wishing my days away.
But it still felt like years between Alex’s visit and Jason’s.
On the day of my husband’s arrival, I fretted over my appearance. There wasn’t much I could do to improve it, but I used what I had in my small arsenal of personal belongings to make myself as presentable as possible. Before, when all I’d known about prison was based on what I’d seen in the movies, I pictured prisoners in orange jumpsuits. But I didn’t actually have to wear a uniform here. Apparently I’d respect the rules more if I got to select my own clothes. I couldn’t choose what I had for breakfast, but my black jeans and floral top would make me feel empowered, and therefore compliant. Please.
I saw Jason before he saw me. My tummy fluttered with hundreds of delicate wings, and when he reached my table I had to stop myself from throwing my arms around him. I couldn’t risk this visit being cut short by breaking the rules. There was too much to say.
‘I love you,’ I began, not wanting to waste either of our time with words that meant nothing.
‘You know I love you too,’ Jason replied, and I tried to memorise the look in his eyes.
‘Jason,’ I said gently. ‘I want a divorce.’
I watched the face of the man I loved change from a smile – she’s joking – to confusion so pronounced it was like watching a pantomime performer.
‘I don’t want you to argue,’ I said, my face completely still, while inside a battle raged for control over my emotions. ‘I can’t live with you putting your life on hold for me. Not when I’m the one who caused all of this.’
‘Bethany, please,’ he said urgently. ‘Don’t talk like that. You’re innocent. You know that, and so do I.’
‘That’s not what I mean,’ I said. ‘I pulled this marriage apart limb by limb, and I won’t do it any more. I can’t. I love you, and I want you to have a life, and money, and joy, and kids, and freedom. You can’t have that with me.’
‘But your appeal—’
‘There’s nothing to appeal,’ I interrupted. ‘Adler and I discussed it, and there’s no grounds. I’m not getting out of here, and I won’t let you just wait around for twenty-five years. I can take responsibility for my own life being ruined, but I can’t do it for yours, too. I’m sorry, Jason. I really am. I wish things were different.’
‘But there will be grounds for an appeal, just as soon as we find evidence to prove that Vincent did this.’
I looked at him, incredulous.
‘Vincent didn’t do anything,’ I said. ‘You were in court. You heard his alibi.’
‘Bethany,’ he said, his voice rising, ‘Vincent is a dangerous man. He’s lying, don’t you see? He could find a way to fake his alibi. He’s a pathological liar.’
‘No,’ I said firmly. ‘You saw the police reports. They wouldn’t use false evidence in court. You might as well be telling me that the moon landing was fake. This isn’t a conspiracy.’
‘You know how clever he is. He had so much information on you. He’s been stalking you for so long, he had all those pictures of you, he knew about the naked photo shoot you did with Calum, he got into our house while we were sleeping, for God’s sake.’
‘Jason, please listen. He didn’t do it, and there’s no possible way he could have, I promise you.’
He sat back in his chair and sighed deeply.
‘Maybe you’re right,’ he whispered eventually. ‘But I just can’t believe it. I was so certain it was him, so convinced he’d done it. I think I just want it to be Vincent because then at least I’d have answers.’
‘Me too,’ I said. ‘But that’s not the way it works.’
He looked utterly deflated, and sympathy coursed through me. I knew what he was feeling, but I couldn’t share in his emotions. I had tucked mine away where they could no longer hurt me. I was learning to remain stoic. Or perhaps I was just more resigned to disappointment than he was. I was getting used to unsatisfactory endings.
‘I’m still not giving you a divorce,’ he said.
‘You are,’ I argued. ‘I have the paperwork. You just have to sign it and send it to Alex.’
I pushed the envelope across the table.
He pushed it back towards me.
‘It’s my life,’ he said. ‘And I choose what I want to do with it. And I’m choosing to stick by you, Bethany. You’re my wife. I know things are hard right now, but you can’t make any decisions when this is all so new. Just give it some time and you’ll see, we’ll make it work. I promise.’
‘No,’ I said. ‘It’s not your choice. It’s mine this time, and I’ve made up my mind. I’m taking you off my phone and visitation lists, and Alex will be asking you for the paperwork soon. She knows I’ve signed the documents, and she knows my reasons. Please, just sign them, Jason. For me.’
He stared at me, those beautiful blue eyes filled with the kind of loyal, selfless love I knew I’d never have again, and I felt my heart crack open like the desert floor.
‘You’re actually serious,’ he whispered.
&nb
sp; I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.
Jason got up from his chair, clutching the envelope, his face tight and voice loaded with emotion.
‘I hope you don’t really mean what you’re saying,’ he said. ‘I hope this is just some reaction to what’s happened and that you’ll realise how crazy you sound. I’ll be here when you come around, but I want you to think, when you’re lashing out, how difficult this is for me too. I love you, Bethany, but I’m not going to talk to you when you’re like this.’
And with that, my past and my future walked out of the door of the visiting hall without so much as a look back at my pathetic figure, a fraction of the woman I once was.
I clenched every muscle I could find, willing myself not to climb over the table, to run to my husband and beg him to stay. Because he would. All I had to do was ask and he’d stay by my side for ever, him my life source and me his parasite, leeching him of affection and validation and hope. And in return, I’d be his constant reminder that he wasn’t enough, that I chose Calum over him, that my choices destroyed our perfect life together.
I finally knew what I wanted, and I finally had the courage to make a choice. Not the choice I wanted, but the right one nonetheless.
As I watched my husband walk away I wondered, for the briefest of moments, if Calum would have finally been proud of me. And then, from out of nowhere, a realisation planted itself firmly in the middle of my chest, refusing to budge, pressing urgently against my ribs.
I froze, and replayed Jason’s words in my head.
He’s been stalking you for so long, he’d said, just moments ago. He knew about the naked photo shoot you did with Calum, he got into our house while we were sleeping, for God’s sake.
I felt sick.
I’d never told anyone about those photos. Not Alex, not Shannon. No one.
Only three people knew.
One of the three people was me.
One of them was my dead lover.
And the other person, now walking away to a life of total freedom, killed Calum and took away everything I ever loved.