‘No. He’s not been near me. If he sees me in the street he looks the other way or turns round and walks away, making a big point of it in my opinion. He frightens me.’
He looked down briefly and then into my eyes. His own were pleading as he cupped his still shaking hands gently around my face. ‘He won’t dare bother you, not now. Telling you this has been hard but I hope you can understand why that fight happened and why I lost my temper.’ He searched my face. ‘You’re everything to me. You know that, don’t you? Can you look upon me in a good light? I’m not a monster, I’m not violent. He just pushed me too far.’
He put his hands down and looked out over the valley again. ‘I’ve changed, Kate. Can’t you see that? I know I was a Jack-the-lad as you put it. As I grew up I became popular with the girls, they liked me and well, I was flattered, what man wouldn’t be.’ He looked at me. ‘I’m a man, Kate, I like girls and I had a good time with them, but as time went on, I felt there was something . . . well, missing. But I didn’t know what to do about it, so I didn’t think too hard, but the feeling kept growing. Then I saw you that first time in the alley and I knew it was you who was missing from my life. I just knew it.’
My heart beat harder. Was it the same for him? ‘How did you know . . . how could you know . . . with just a glance?’
He smiled. ‘Oh, Kate, I knew. I knew because my stomach turned over and I started to tingle, my knees went weak. It was like being hit by something hard. My whole being wanted to know who you were, where you were from, about your family, your likes and dislikes. I wanted to know it all. I couldn’t see any other life for me but one with you. I had to get to know you.’
So, it had been the same for him. The same shock of meeting, like being hit by something hard, he’d said. Was this something neither of us could control?
‘But you were not easy to know and I was shocked, truth be told. You were the only girl I was really interested in and you didn’t want me. I didn’t know what to do, how to behave. I made many mistakes but I didn’t give up. I couldn’t. The power of you was too strong.’
‘But that’s the danger, isn’t it? You wanted me and I didn’t respond, it became a challenge, but what happens if you get me? You might find that, over time, you don’t want me. That you tire of me like you tired of all your other girlfriends. You don’t have a strong reputation for loyalty, Tom. And when you’ve got me, you’ll find out that I’m no one special – I’m just me. I worry that you’ve built me up into someone I’m not. Put me on a pedestal. You might be disappointed with the passing of time.’
‘Never! I’ll never be disappointed in you. I’ve grown to know you and my feelings have deepened, grown bigger and stronger. No, Kate, you’re wrong. I’ve changed. My life – the only life I can see for myself – is with you. Oh, what do I have to do to make you believe in me?’
He fell silent. ‘Be honest with me. If there’s no hope for me, then tell me now. Rejection will be preferable to this torment of loving you from afar, wondering if you could ever feel the same.’
Something had changed in me. I felt closer to this man than to anyone else I’d ever known. I was beginning to understand him. See inside him and I liked what I saw. Liked his honesty, his struggle to tell me, his determination to tell me, to make me understand.
The tension in his body was so strong I thought he might snap and I realised he was afraid to look at me, afraid of my answer.
I took his hand in mine and linked our fingers. I tried to speak but nothing came out. I squeezed his hand hard, trying to say through action what I couldn’t say out loud. He turned and looked at me. He caressed my face so lightly I almost didn’t feel it, but it sent shivers of desire through me I didn’t know it was possible to feel. I wanted this man and I now understood the meaning of that.
‘I love you, Kate. I love you so much. I’d die for you.’ We gazed into each other’s eyes. ‘I’m just a man in love with the most beautiful girl in the world and I want what’s best for her, and I want to keep her safe. Oh, please see me as I am, see the goodness in me. We can all be pushed too far in the right circumstances. It was just my time to be pushed over the edge by Dudley.’
He looked at me with such love and I knew Tom was mine and mine alone. I felt the same about him. I caressed his face and our eyes locked. Everything around me disappeared as I was sucked into a bubble of love. It was a magic moment, one I’ll never forget. It was almost worth living to have a moment like that in your life.
As we looked at each other I fancied a thread was growing, a spider’s web of love was developing and as we searched each other’s eyes it grew stronger, weaving its silken threads, linking us, so soft and strong I felt they would never break. They would just stretch when we were apart and contract again when we were together.
‘I can’t live without you. Marry me, Kate. I’ll always be true to you. There’ll never be another woman for me. I’ll do my very best to give you all the things you want. Oh, Kate, I do love you so.’
The last bit came out as a sob. He had changed. It was time to acknowledge that. He’d practically killed a man with his bare hands to protect me.
I wiped my tears away. ‘It’s time for honesty, Tom. I love you too. More than I ever thought I could love anyone. The answer is yes. Yes, I would be honoured to be Mrs Thomas Mallow.’
He looked shocked and took a ragged, deep breath. His eyes filled with tears and that set me off again. We both cried and laughed at the same time. Not deep cries, just gentle ones that come from too much emotion building up inside. He gently kissed my wet eyes, then my forehead, cheeks, nose and chin until he came to my lips. The feel of his lips on mine, the gentle pressure of them opened a floodgate of desire inside me. I put my hands behind his head and drew him to me. He responded instantly and before I knew what was happening I was experiencing my first passionate kiss: deep and long. It sent me to a place I had never been before and I knew then what people meant by passion and desire. We lay down on the rock without thinking of what we were doing and I swear that if we had been lying on something soft, we would have had trouble in stopping. As it was, that Welsh granite bit into me like an angry dog. It bruised the back of my head, my shoulders, elbows and heels. The pain of it brought me back to real life and I realised that we were in a public place where kids played and which could be seen by the people living below if they had enough interest to peer upwards.
‘Tom. No. We mustn’t. Tom. Please stop.’ He groaned as if the air had been knocked out of him and rolled away from me.
‘This damned rock is hard. I wished we’d picked a comfier place.’
I laughed softly. ‘I’m glad we picked here. There’s no telling what would have happened if we’d been comfortable.’
He rolled back towards me and propped himself up on his elbow. ‘That’s what I mean,’ he said, his eyes shining with love and desire. ‘Wouldn’t it have been romantic to have sealed our love like that?’
I kissed him lightly on his lips. ‘Oh, Tom, I don’t think so, I believe in keeping yourself pure for your wedding night. I’ve been brought up to that. I’m not one of your loose women.’
He sat up rigid. ‘Oh, Kate, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean . . . sorry, no, I didn’t mean that at all. I wasn’t thinking of them. I was thinking of us. Oh, God, what a fool I am. Now I’ve offended you. Please, please, believe me and forgive me, I really didn’t mean–’
‘Shhh.’ I caressed his face lightly and I was pleased to see it made him shiver.
‘I want to save myself for our wedding night,’ I whispered, ‘that would make it really special, don’t you think? I know you’ve had other girls before, I’m not daft, but I’m pure and proud of it. I’ve always dreamed of a fairytale wedding. Of being with my husband on our first night together, discovering the mystery of love.’
‘Mm,’ he smiled. ‘It’s a lovely picture in my mind.’
‘It’s up to us, isn’t it? We can make our wedding whatever we like. It depends on our thoughts
and feelings. We can save each other for that special time if we want to. And I want to. Do this for me, lovely Tom, it means so much to me. The fruit would be so much sweeter.’
I saw the love he had for me. Like a magnet it drew us to each other again. ‘Of course,’ he whispered. ‘Of course. Anything you want. I’d do anything for you. You know that.’
We kissed again, gently and deeply. It was all we needed. It silently sealed our pact. We were one and understood each other.
*
Over the next few months I was feeling carefree and happy, so confident in my life to come. I loved Tom passionately. I laughed at my worries about something not being ‘normal’ about me. I just needed to meet the right man. Tom was it, I had no doubts. He was very respectful to me and never tried to push himself on me as I knew other boys did to their girlfriends. It was common knowledge that men wanted to make sure their girlfriends could get pregnant before they married them, for your security was your children. They looked after you in old age. You didn’t want a barren wife. Many brides went up the church in white with a seed in their bellies. But Tom wanted us to wait too, to make it special.
I’d put my arms around him and cuddle him to me. It always gave me a thrill to do that, to feel his strong body so close to mine. He’d tell me over and over how much he loved me and kiss my face, neck, hands, over and over. I loved it. He was my Tom and I could be myself with him. No more pretence, no more Boadicea spirit. I didn’t need it with Tom. He was my Boadicea now. I thought I would burst with happiness. Tom too.
We saved hard and developed an easy way with each other.
We regularly walked up the Graig Mountain to be alone. We walked up high, where the grass was green because the coal dust couldn’t get that far up. The only other creatures were the sheep and a few stunted trees struggling for life with the same tenaciousness as we people who lived below them. It was on one of these walks, with bread and cheese and a bottle of water in Tom’s pockets, that we came to understand each other even more deeply.
We climbed up, stopping to kiss every so often. I took his hand and said, ‘I love your hands, they’re so strong and capable.’
‘And calloused and rough,’ he laughed, ‘and guaranteed to have arthritis and turn blue.’
‘Yes, that too, but when we’re married, I’ll get your bath ready at the end of every shift and clean and massage your hands with soap and cream.’
‘Mm, sounds like heaven. Will you clean and massage other parts of me too?’
We burst out laughing. ‘Of course, my lovely Tom. Anywhere and everywhere.’
We walked on upwards, taking ourselves further away from the world and into one of our own making, keeping the silence of the air around us.
We came to our favourite spot where one of the few trees struggled for life. It was gnarled and kept small and bent from the wind but it provided some shade on hot days. We sat with our backs to the dry stone wall which gave us a view over the valley and the town, but we weren’t interested in the view.
I put my arm in Tom’s and hugged him to me. He turned and kissed me gently and it soon turned into passion as was the way with us.
‘I can’t wait for our wedding night,’ Tom said, grinning. ‘Oh, my, what a night it will be.’
‘Well, it won’t be long now,’ I replied, stroking his cheek. ‘Can I be honest?’
He looked alarmed. ‘Always. You know that.’
I continued stroking his cheek. ‘I’m . . . well, I’m frightened, you know, about it all. I know you have experience – men always do – but I haven’t.’ I hesitated.
‘What is it?’ he asked gently.
‘I know what the girls all say – I’ve heard some stories I can tell you –’ I laughed nervously. ‘Well, um, what I’m trying to say is . . .’ I lost my nerve. ‘Oh, it doesn’t matter. It’ll all be all right I’m sure,’ I said as calmly as I could.
He moved away from me a little so that he could see into my eyes. ‘Kate? What’s this about? Why are you frightened? Tell me. You know you can tell me.’
I looked down. I should have kept my mouth shut and just hoped for the best. Now I had to explain myself and I found it difficult.
‘Come on, sweet, sweet Kate. No secrets now, mun. You know that. Please tell me. I’ll help all I can.’
I took his hand in mine and ran my fingers over the calloused lumps and bumps. ‘I’m being silly, I know, but, well, I’m a miner’s daughter, I know what men look like. I helped my mother to bath my father when he came home every day from the pit. Got the bath out in front of the fire, warmed the water ready for him.
‘I helped my aunties too, with their husbands, scrubbing the coal dust out of their backs, scooping water over their heads, holding the towels out for them. I know the mechanics of . . . you know . . . men and women.’
Tom nodded, looking serious. ‘Yes, like all our women, but what’s this about, Kate? What’s worrying you?’
‘And I know what happens on wedding nights, my friends and neighbours who are already married have made sure of that.’
Tom took my hand and squeezed it.
I looked down at the grass. ‘I’m worried about whether, you know, whether I’ll disappoint you . . . how I’ll feel . . . the unknown I suppose. Some say it is incredible, like nothing else and others say, well, it’s all right for the men but women get a rough deal. I don’t know what to think.’
‘Oh, Kate,’ he said instantly, ‘look at me . . . look at me, please.’
As embarrassed as I was, I looked into his eyes. ‘You mustn’t listen to them. You and me, we’re nothing to do with them. You can never be a disappointment to me, no matter what. You know that.’
I made an effort to smile.
‘Will . . . will you be gentle with me?’ I whispered. There, I’d said it. The one thing I really wanted from him was to be caring and gentle. I’d heard so much from girls who’d said it was slammed into them and they had no chance to feel anything except pain and bemusement, that men were beasts when it came to lovemaking. I didn’t know anything about that side of men. I wanted it all to be so perfect. But I couldn’t tell Tom all that.
He smiled. ‘Katie, my love, my soon-to-be-wife, how could I be anything but gentle with you? I’ll be as gentle as a butterfly, as soft as a feather. I’ll treat you like a precious peach in summer. One false move with a peach and it bruises and goes bad.’
I laughed. Tom could always do that, make me laugh. ‘You’ve been practising on peaches?’
He laughed as well and then he caressed my cheek. ‘I’ll never hurt you, in any way at all. I guarantee it.’
I kissed him lightly on the lips and hugged him close. We lay down then and wrapped our bodies around each other. ‘I can’t wait either,’ I whispered.
Later, when we’d gone as far as was decent, we pulled apart before we couldn’t. We lay on our backs and looked up at the blue sky and watched the fluffy little clouds fly by.
‘It’s my turn now,’ he said.
‘Your turn for what?’
‘To share my secrets.’
I turned over on my front, snuggling my head into his shoulder, putting my arm around his middle. ‘And I will be as gentle as a butterfly and as soft as a feather too.’
He laughed gently. ‘I have dreams, you know. I might only be a miner, but I have dreams.’
‘Go on,’ I encouraged him. ‘Tell me. Don’t be embarrassed, not with me.’
‘Ah, yes, embarrassed. But, no, you are right, not with you. Let’s sit up,’ he said moving smoothly, fluidly and gracefully: my Tom.
We sat side by side against the wall. ‘See that view over by there, Kate.’ He pointed over the valley and the town. ‘It’s lovely. Even now, it’s lovely. Even though it’s covered with houses and roads you can still see bits of the original valley. See how lovely it was before coal was discovered. I think about that a lot. How lovely it was before and how we miners go down underground and hew out the coal. Cutting nature out of her home. M
aking holes. It’s not natural. It’s not natural at all. And it’s a hard life, as you know. And I wonder why we miners have to do that. Do that horrible job. And get injured and ruin our health and sometimes even die, just to earn a living. It’s the right of all men to earn their living without risking death or injury every day.’
‘You’ve never said anything like this before.’ I said, surprised. ‘Don’t you want to be a miner?’
‘If I’m honest, no, I don’t. Like I said, it’s not natural. It’s my dad’s fault, I suppose, although he didn’t have any choice either, but if you are born to a miner you become a miner. If you’re born to a white collar-worker, you become a white collar-worker, sitting in a nice, warm, safe office, using your brain instead of your brawn.’
He put his knees up and hugged them; an action I was beginning to understand was his way of coping with things that were difficult to say.
He stared out over the valley. ‘I have dreams of better things. I do think about it a lot. Sometimes I hope I can get better work, but I’m not educated. I can’t do anything but manual work. It’s too late for me, but well, for our children.’ He looked at me. ‘I want better things for our children, Kate. I don’t want any of them to be a miner.’
I caressed his arm. ‘What do you mean by better things?’
He picked at some grass, making a big show of being interested in it. ‘Well, um,’ he cleared his throat, ‘education. That’s the thing, see. You have to be educated to get better jobs.’ He looked at me. ‘I’ve never said anything like this to you before, but, well, you’re educated, you educated yourself. I admire you very much for that. You know far more than me. And I want that for our children.’
He turned right around so that he was facing me. ‘Can we do that? Can we educate our children – give them ambitions beyond the pits? I couldn’t bear a son of mine to be a miner.’ He shook his head. ‘I just . . . I just couldn’t bear it.’
The Rocking Stone Page 9