Tom stood up with his back to the room, looking out of the window. ‘You’re right. Nothing we can do about it. Sorry, I do get carried away sometimes.’
‘Don’t apologise,’ Aunty said, ‘I understand and agree with you. But take my advice, calm down about it. Plan for your wedding and let the world take its course. It always does you know, whatever you try and do.’ He turned and she smiled at him and he smiled back. He liked Aunty, said she talked sense.
So, Tom and I decided it would not stop our wedding, whatever happened we would wed as planned. We were young and could live on hope and optimism. We had each other.
The strike ended after three months. We lost the fight and the feeling of anger and frustration in the valleys was all-consuming and festering. I despaired but was determined not to let it spoil our day. But I vowed to myself that if ever I met a mine owner I’d spit in his eye. He’d deserve it.
CHAPTER TEN
The day started ordinarily enough. Idle tittle-tattle over breakfast until it was time for my father and Aunty Annie to take the train to Tonypandy. They were going to the funeral of one of my father’s old friends who’d had the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time as a tunnel collapsed at his pit. I’d decided to stay at home as I didn’t know him or his family and was looking forward to a rare day to myself. It was three weeks before our wedding and I’d already given up work because Mrs Coombes, the owner, had already started a new girl. I would have preferred to have stayed on until the last because of the wages, but she couldn’t afford to pay for two of us.
I was putting the finishing touches to my wedding dress. Mrs Coombes was a lovely lady and she had given me enough white satin as a wedding present to make the dress, together with some salmon pink satin for Edie’s dress. I’d finished Edie’s. She was to wear a traditional A-line dress, fitted under the bust to hide her six-month pregnancy. It didn’t do to have a pregnant bridesmaid, even if she was married.
I’d designed the dresses myself, checking magazines at the library for the latest fashions. I was feeling very proud and a little bit smug about it. Hems were fluctuating, but I decided to finish my dress just above my ankles to show off the white satin wedding shoes a cousin had lent me. Aunty Annie had made me a lace cap which would sit low over my forehead in the new style. I wanted to look fashionable and for Tom to be proud of me. Aunty Annie cut my long hair short in the new fashion (she was good at hairdressing and did all the family) and as I had a natural wave, it suited me very well. Tom loved it, which pleased me.
I made sure the kitchen table was clean and swished the dress out over it and checked it over. I threaded my needle to make a start on the hem when there was a knock at the door. We never locked our doors except when we went to bed, so whenever you went calling you just knocked and walked in, usually shouting, ‘Hello, anyone at home?’ So, when I looked through our open kitchen door and down the passageway to the slowly opening front door I didn’t think too much of it except that it was an annoyance because I wanted to finish my sewing. Everything changed when I saw who was behind that moving door. I saw his red hair first and then his grinning, freckled face.
‘Kate, my darlin’,’ Dudley called out as he pushed the door open wide and stepped into our passageway. ‘All alone are we?’
I clung on to my sewing as if to a lifeline and started to sew as if it would protect me. ‘What do you want?’ I demanded.
My insides were shaking. I knew he was up to no good, it was written all over him.
He grinned, self satisfied, walking towards the kitchen. ‘That’s no way to talk to your almost brother-in-law, is it? Be welcoming now. I’ve just come to wish you good luck on your wedding to Tommy boy.’
‘I don’t need your good wishes. Please leave right now,’ I said, cursing my shaking voice.
‘Oh, come on, Kate. Let’s have a little smile from you. You know you like your lovely Dudley, don’t you?’ He leaned against the door frame. ‘I just saw your father and aunty going into the station all dressed up in their best black. Where are they off to then?’ I didn’t answer and kept on sewing furiously as if those stitches could sew him up too, making him harmless.
I could smell him from the doorway; cigarettes, beer and that stale unwashed smell men often have, like a dank riverbed. He came into the kitchen slowly, like a cat. ‘Please go away, Dudley, I don’t want to talk to you and I don’t think it’s right for you to be here.’ I sounded pompous, even to myself but I couldn’t help it.
‘Right!’ he shouted, making me jump as anger flashed in his eyes. ‘You talk about right! How dare you talk to me about what you think is right. You always were a stuck-up bitch with your high-and-mighty attitude. Never running after the boys like a normal girl would, going to church and clutching your Bible like a shield. Well, I’ll tell you, Little Miss Stuck-up, I was in the army for years and fought in the war, I’m used to destroying protective shields. Oh yes, I know a trick or two you’d never believe.’
I was so frightened I accidentally jammed the needle into my finger and jumped.
‘That’s right, give yourself a fright. It’s practice for what’s to come.’
‘What do you mean? Get out of here now. Tom would be furious if he knew you were here.’
‘Tom’ he snarled. ‘Let’s not forget about dear old Tom.’ He stood in front of me, very close. His genital area was level with my face and I could detect a sour smell coming from it. My stomach churned again. By this time my fear had grown into a panic. ‘If you try to hurt me, I’ll scream and the neighbours will hear.’
‘You try doing that, Kate my darlin’, and I’ll kill you. Don’t think that I won’t. I’ve killed many a man, woman and even child when I was in the army. It’s nothing to me, but I’d rather you lived so you can tell dear old Tom!
‘We had an argument last night, Tom and me, and when I accused him of poking you to his heart’s content, he got angry and let slip that he’s never touched you. “Kate’s not like that,”’ Dudley said in a mocking voice. ‘Oh, Kate’s not like that,’ he repeated in a sing-song imitation of Tom’s voice.
‘Fuck that,’ he said. Then, his attitude changed. He became soft and gentle and sweet, as if he was talking to a baby. ‘We’ll have to educate poor old Tom won’t we, Katie darlin’? Let’s show Tom how much his perfect Kate loves it – how inside she’s just an animal, lusting after a male. Come on, Katie my love. Come to the top dog, the leader. I’ll show you what’s what.’
He grabbed my arm and pulled me up from the chair and threw me down onto the floor as if I was a rag doll. He pulled his braces down and started to undo the buttons on his trousers. I shot up off the floor and made a run for the front door but he was fast and pulled me back into the room. He put his arms around me and pressed himself into my back. He started to kiss my neck and caress my breasts. I tried to get away but he had a vice-like grip. He turned me around and I managed to get my hand up to his face and scratched him down his cheek. He yelled and slapped me across the face. It almost knocked me out and he caught me as I fell backwards. The violence seemed to calm him and he became gentle.
‘Now you sit there, Katie love, while your Uncle Dudley makes himself ready. Don’t move, because if you do I might just hit you hard enough to kill you, and you don’t want that do you, Little Miss Religion? It wouldn’t look good for your father and aunty to come back to find you naked and dead on their floor.’
I was shaking uncontrollably as I sat there stunned from the blow, and could do nothing. I tried to concentrate my mind on looking for a way out and realised I would have to reason with him or hit him very hard on the head with something heavy. I looked around the room and saw the poker sitting in the grate. But he saw my eyes move and followed my gaze.
‘Oh, no you don’t,’ he said as he picked it up with the other fire irons, opened the back door and threw them out.
He glared at me with eyes full of anger and I realised he saw me not as a woman or a human being, but as something
to despoil. I knew then that he hated me and would have no hesitation in killing me if he had to.
‘I’ll show you and your lovey-dovey Tom what life is all about. It’s about the strongest and the fittest surviving. I’m going to fuck you, Kate, before your wonderful Tom gets the chance. I’m going to take your virginity around my cock and fuck you with it. I’m going to shoot out a son for you, Kate, and after you’re married and Tom thinks he’s a father, my little brat with red hair will squawk out of you like a miniature me. Oh, what a revenge! A son of the Mallow family but fathered by the wrong son. Oh what sweet joy.’ He looked up to the ceiling and put his hands on his hips and howled like a dog in heat.
He grabbed me again and pushed me through the door and up the stairs. He opened a bedroom door and seeing it was my parents’ bedroom, closed it again and tried the other one. ‘Your room!’ he said as he pushed me into it. He ordered me to undress. I had to try and get away, it was my last chance. In a sudden lunge, I pushed him away from me with all my might and caught him unbalanced. He went over and I turned to run but he caught hold of my ankle. I tried to kick out, but he had a strong hold and I fell over too. I hit the floor boards hard and saw stars.
He struggled up and stood over me, hissing, ‘I’ll spoil you if you don’t do as you’re told. I’ll ruin your face, punch it, slash it, make it so ugly that your wonderful Tom won’t want to marry you and it will be a reminder forever of this day. It’s up to you, Katie my love. This either remains our secret or all the world will know.’
‘You wouldn’t dare. It would mean that you would be caught and put in prison. You wouldn’t want that.’
He laughed: a strange baying sound I’d never heard anyone make before. ‘Oh, Katie my darlin’, I’d be long gone before you became conscious and I know how to get out of this country. I’d be happy to flee from here, no one could get me. You don’t think this is my first time, do you? You simple-minded girl. You know nothing.’
I was now certain that I couldn’t stop him so I decided not to give him the satisfaction of seeing any fear in me. It was obvious that’s what excited him. So I shut my emotions off as firmly as a water tap, turned the handle hard, dripped a few drips of uncertainty, and then knew that this was the only way. I was not powerful enough to overcome him. He knew all the tricks. He’d said this was not the first time he’d done something like this and I believed him. My only weapon was to not give him the satisfaction he craved by making me a quivering mess.
‘Take off your clothes,’ he demanded.
When I didn’t respond straight away, he shouted, ‘Now!’
There was no option. Survive this, or be disfigured for life or killed. I had to protect Tom and our life together. So, in those last minutes of my innocence, I quietly and without fuss, took off my clothes as he had ordered, and put them neatly on the chair near my bedside. I did this slowly and deliberately, as if nothing was amiss and I could see it infuriated him. I got on the bed and lay down looking up at the ceiling.
He undressed.
He raped me then: viciously, degradingly, humiliatingly.
The body being violated was no longer mine but a lump of flesh that had become unfeeling and no longer human. It was being despoiled. But I refused to let him pollute my mind too. I had to remain sane and calm if I stood any chance of surviving this.
Finally, he stopped when he emitted a cry of what I assumed was pleasure. The weight of his body crushed me, his chest suffocating me as he lay across my face. This brought me back to myself. He was heavy and smelt of stale sweat and dirty skin and lying under him was like a life sentence. Seconds seemed like hours and minutes like days.
Finally, he moved off me and looked down at the sheet and let out a yell of pure pleasure. I looked down too and saw a splattering of blood there and knew enough about wedding nights and virginity to know that mine had been well and truly violated. ‘That’s got him,’ he said triumphantly. It was the only time I ever saw his eyes smile.
He picked up his watch and looked at the time. ‘Get dressed,’ he barked.
I tried to get out of the bed but felt ripped apart as if someone had pulled out all my joints and pushed them back in. My personal parts were agony but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing the effect he’d had on me so I pulled myself up and dressed with a much dignity as I could. I felt a welt on my face. Oh God, what was I going to say? I knew I had to keep this a secret from Tom as he would kill Dudley if he knew. I didn’t want that. I wanted Tom for my husband. I didn’t want him to hang for Dudley.
‘Get downstairs and make me a pot of tea, girl,’ he instructed me.
I had no choice and I went downstairs as best as my aches and pains would let me. I saw my wedding dress still laid out over the table in all its virginal whiteness and all that represented. I started to shake violently as the implications of what had happened flooded through me anew. A wave of sobbing broke free in my throat as I heaved and tried not to make a sound to alert Dudley. With my hand over my mouth, trying to swallow down the sobs, I picked up the dress. I didn’t want to remind Dudley of my wedding to Tom. I laid it almost reverently over a chair in the front room and bit down the sobs again as I forced myself back to the kitchen and put the kettle on.
I was making the tea as he came down, thankfully fully dressed and sat at the kitchen table. I put the teapot on the table with some cups and saucers and I was shaking so much they clattered fit to break.
‘Got a touch of the shakes, Kate, darlin’. I know a great cure for that.’ His hands went to his trouser buttons again. Oh no. Please, no.
The thought of going through it again: the humiliation, the pain, the degradation. No! I couldn’t let him do that to me again and to hell with the consequences. I didn’t care anymore. A raw animal violence rose up inside me as I realised everyone has a snapping point where all common sense is lost. Nothing else existed except to get that man out of my life. It was my turn to be brutal now.
I made a grab for the teapot, and before he could react, I pulled off the lid and threw the boiling hot tea over his hand which was resting on the table. He jumped up and swiped at the teapot. It fell into the grate with a clatter.
‘You bastard. You fucking bastard,’ he screamed as he staggered around the kitchen.
I ran into the pantry and picked up the kettle which still had boiling water in it. I brandished it in front of me. ‘That’s enough,’ I yelled. ‘There’ll be no more because I swear, I’ll throw this over you.’
He gave me a look of pure hatred.
‘I don’t care if Tom knows,’ I said. ‘Do your worst. I won’t let you ever come near me again . . . and if you tell Tom, I’ll tell your mother exactly what happened. How depraved you are.’
‘Don’t you dare fucking tell her,’ he roared, out of control. ‘You tell my mother and I’ll shoot another little Dudley bastard into you, anytime I like. You’ll never get away from me – or the threat of me. All Tom’s children could be Dudley bastards. Remember that girl, and hold your tongue.’
I understood now what Dudley was like deep down, what he was capable of and why Tom almost killed him. I also knew that I was capable of killing someone.
But I’d also discovered something more. By chance, I had found out that he did have some humanity in him, a weak spot: his mother.
‘Get out,’ I yelled, ‘before I throw this boiling water over you.’
I could tell by his face he was in agony, and to my utter relief, he picked up his jacket and stormed past me to the front door. As he opened it I shouted, ‘You come near me again, I’ll kill you. I swear it.’
He turned and looked at me with such loathing. ‘You just try it, sweet darlin’. You’ll be as successful as you were in keeping your virginity. Let’s do this again, Katie, let’s do it many times until you get married and Tom won’t know what’s happened when he gets his little virgin with sexual knowledge. He’ll know you’re not a virgin, darlin’. Tom’s been around. He’ll know.’
I
rose up to my full height, and said through clenched teeth, ‘I swear to God . . . you . . . you bastard,’ I yelled at his back as he went through the door.
He turned in the doorway and winked at me. ‘Oh, more than that, Kate, much more than that, I’m a fucking bastard, as you well know.’
He closed the door gently behind him and his words hung in the air and stayed there.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
As the door closed behind him, I threw myself at it and locked it. I knew it would cause suspicion if someone called round, but I couldn’t risk him coming back. I got myself to the kitchen, sat down hard on a chair and started to shake uncontrollably. My stomach heaved and I ran outside to the privy and was violently sick. Later, as I kneeled over the toilet bowl, retching bile, I wanted someone to say, there, there, everything will be all right. But I only had me. Only I could do this. Women through the ages had coped with rape, so I’d better too.
I tried to pull myself together – knew I had to – because my future with Tom depended on me coping. My father and aunty would be back soon, they must have no inkling anything was wrong. But it was hard. I called on my childhood friend Boadicea and her strength helped somewhat. At least she took my mind off what I was doing as I cleaned everything up in an unfeeling daze, as if it wasn’t really me. I was desperate to wash Dudley off my skin, but knew I had to clean up first in case my father and aunty got home early. I washed the cups and saucers, cleaned up the splattered tea from the grate and was thankful we had an aluminium teapot. It was dented, but serviceable. I’d have to think up an excuse. I put the pot and cups and saucers very carefully into the cupboard as if my care would make things better.
Next, thankfully, I could attend to myself. I didn’t want the comfort of hot water on my skin: cold water was the only thing that could expunge Dudley from my body. I stripped off and stood in front of the cold water tap outside. I washed and swilled myself over and over. It was like a religious act and with each wash my resolve tightened and gripped my heart. My life had been ruined. Where was God now?
The Rocking Stone Page 11