by Sara Cate
“Get dressed. Before the party, I have a little surprise for you in town.”
My head immediately snaps up to see him in a button-up shirt, rolled to his elbows over a snug-fitting pair of chinos. I wish Alexander knew that when he’s dressed like that he drives me insane.
Without another question, I hop up and run into the shower. Not one thought barely registers as I get ready, putting on a thin layer of makeup and grabbing my favorite dress and wedges from my bag that I purposefully packed in case of a special occasion.
As I come out, he’s sitting at the bar, one leg folded over the other and I wish I could snap a picture of him, but he moves too quickly. I don’t know where we’re going, but I crave being seen out in public with him. Not because he’s famous but because he’s radiant and, as far as everyone else is concerned, mine.
After a short car ride where he lets me pick my favorite songs—which are mostly ones he’s opened my eyes to—we pull up to a parking lot by the river. It’s mostly for joggers and walkers on the paved pathways, but as we get out, he doesn’t walk down the paths. He heads up to the buildings along the main street.
“Where are we going?” I ask, running to catch up to him.
“It’s a surprise,” he answers with a laugh as he tosses an arm around my shoulders, pulling me close for a playful hug. He eventually lets go and drops his hand. I want him to touch me again so badly.
When we turn the corner behind the nearest building, my breath catches in my throat. Along the backside of the building, spanning the entire block is a mural of a woman and a tiger in front of a mountain landscape. I stop in my tracks, taking in the overall scope and size of the painting.
“I found this online, and I knew you had to see it. The artist just finished it a couple weeks ago.” His fingers graze the small of my back as a couple moves around us, and I can’t focus on his touch. I’m too overwhelmed with this. The gesture, the mural, the perfection that he brought me here on my birthday.
As his fingers glide off my back, I catch them in my hand. His eyes linger on my face as I pull him down the street, taking in every detail of this magnificent piece of art. I’m not familiar with the artist, but I find his or her signature near the bottom and touch it softly. I have Alex’s hand clutched awkwardly in mine, but when he winds his fingers with mine, he smiles at me.
“Do you like it?”
“I’m obsessed,” I answer, feeling breathless.
“I can show you the article they posted in the news. I just wanted to surprise you and let you see it in person first.”
When the next cluster of people pass us, I notice how they each turn their heads, noticing Alexander, and I hope they take note of how close he’s standing to me and how our hands are still locked together.
After we walk the length of the mural twice, he takes me to a little spot in the city with his favorite sushi. We share a couple rolls, laughing over stories he tells me of his first years on his own, and I revel in the way his eyes light up more than they have in a long time.
When we make the walk back to the car, our hands painfully separate, I tell him I want him there with me at the party. I haven’t braced myself for what he might witness from my friends and family, but I can’t stand the idea of him not being around me for the rest of the day.
Later that afternoon, we walk together to the party, which has seemingly already started. My mother had it catered and rented a bartender, so now my backyard looks like a circus. All of Cadence’s friends are over, and since I don’t actually have any friends, I didn’t invite anyone.
“My birthday baby!” my mom shrieks as I pass the tall shrub into the backyard. Everyone starts clapping, and I feel myself lean into Alexander. He puts a hand on the small of my back again and it gives me the sense of confidence and comfort I need to keep walking.
I look up at him, hoping he can read the frightened, desperate expression on my face.
“I’ll be right here all night,” he says as we walk hip-to-hip up the slope to the rest of the party. My aunts are gathered around my mom, and they all kiss and hug me, but it’s my mom’s eyes I can feel on me as she pulls me in for a tight embrace. When she pulls away, her eyes are misty, and she runs her thumb across my cheek.
We don’t say another word as I join my sister and her friends in the pool. Cadence is acting as flippant as ever, like nothing is ever wrong and everything is wonderful.
She swims toward me, throwing her arms around me and handing me her spiked seltzer. “Drink up, girl. Twenty is close enough to twenty-one. We’re getting blitzed tonight!”
Seems she already is. I glance over at Alexander as he stands by the pool in his chinos and button-up shirt, one hand in his pocket as he gives me a subtle wink.
He’s trying to tell me to have fun. Lighten up. That I’m safe with him.
So, I take the drink and throw it back. My sister cheers, followed by her friends in the pool.
The rest of the night goes by much the same. Cadence keeps handing me drinks, and I keep one eye on Alex all night.
“I know you have swim trunks at home. Come swim with me,” I beg while hanging on his knees as he sits on the edge of the pool, feet dangling in the water.
“You want me to swim with you?”
“Yes,” I say with a drunk smile.
“How many have you had, rain cloud?” he asks quietly.
“I don’t know,” I slur.
Brushing my wet hair out of my face, he smiles down at me. I can feel eyes on us as I lean on him, getting a little too comfortable, hanging on his legs, my hands not far from the off-limits zone.
I wonder how many people question our relationship, and the thought excites me. Do they think we’re screwing over there in his mansion? Do they see me as his secret side piece? His girlfriend?
“Exactly. I’m not leaving you for one second,” he says with a serious brow.
“Are you worried I’ll drown in front of all of these people?”
“That’s not what I’m worried about, Sunny.”
I bite my lip. His cool mood is growing warm, and I feel him getting demanding.
Hopping up, perched on his legs and practically between them, I loop my arms around his neck. His eyes grow wide. He thinks I’m about to kiss him. Instead, I lean in and whisper. “Fine, then.”
I plant my feet against the pool wall and launch myself backward, pulling a fully dressed Alexander into the water with me. Once we’re both under the surface, his hands grab my sides tight, almost painfully, as he pulls me against him.
A second later we pop out of the water, and I wait for the anger that I illicitly coaxed out of him. “You’re dead,” he snaps as he throws me across the water by my waist like I weigh nothing.
I let out a yelp as I crash, hearing the laughter before I go under. Quickly, I swim back to him and latch myself onto his back, trying to dunk him, but obviously he doesn’t budge. He laughs, that silky smooth low chuckle that tickles my insides.
When it’s clear I won’t be dunking him, I settle for hanging from his shoulders as he wades in the water. People are most definitely watching us now.
Let the mother fuckers look.
Sunny
Just after it starts to get dark, Alex and I huddle under one towel at the edge of the pool. I’m at least four drinks in, and my mother walks out of the house with a three-tiered cake with a large number 2-0 candle on top. Everyone starts singing, and I can’t hide the embarrassed smile on my face. Next to me, Alexander sits in his wet clothes, watching me with a flat expression. He isn’t smiling, but he isn’t scowling either. It’s a private look, and for just a moment as everyone sings, it feels like it’s just the two of us, and my birthday isn’t just a celebration for me but for both of us.
My mother gives me a couple presents to open, but I’m starting to see double from the drinks, so I open them and try to keep a normal smile on my face. It’s a new pair of headphones since mine were broken. I don’t want to tell her that I like listening
to music with Alex, without headphones.
After presents, I sit at the patio table with Cadence and Alexander, and for the first time in a long time, I feel happy. Then, my mother swoops in, sitting too close to me, alcohol on her breath as she squeezes me tight.
“Stay home tonight,” she says, sounding like a request and an order.
My heart sinks. All I could think about today was crawling into bed with Alexander, hoping maybe he would let down this wall between us.
The table grows awkwardly silent. I watch Alexander grind his molars as he stays silent. She doesn’t bother to look at him. I don’t want to see what drunk mom and sober Alex would be like together.
And I don’t want to stir the pot, so I figure one night would make her happy, but after that, I’d be back at Alexander’s. I’m already drunk anyway, and my mind isn’t thinking clearly. Tonight would be a terrible night for things to happen between us. I want to be sober and clear-headed the first time he gives in to this thing between us.
“Just tonight,” I mumble, keeping my eyes down on my fidgeting fingers.
“We’ll see,” she says, brushing my hair out of my face.
Finally, chancing a glance up at Alexander, I meet his gaze, his eyes fixed on me. Cool and emotionless.
A moment later, my mother leaves us alone, but we don't continue our conversation. No one is laughing or talking anymore, so Cadence stands up and has to catch herself as she sways toward where Fischer is talking to a group of guys.
“Do you want me to go back with you?” I ask, feeling breathless.
“You’re a big girl, Sunny. You make your own decisions.”
Dammit, Alexander. If you want me to stay with you, tell me so. But he won’t. He wants me to make the calls.
“Just for tonight,” I say, feeling his eyes on me.
He looks like he could shoot daggers out of his eyes with the way he has them targeted at the boys around Cadence. I can see his discomfort, that he’s worried about me, not getting bruised up by my mom’s drunken tirades but from getting into something with these guys that I might regret.
I want to tell him that I can hold my own with them. They don’t scare me, and I trust most of them to at least be cool enough to not force me into something I don’t want to do.
But the look on his face says he’s jealous.
And I like it. I want him to feel what I felt when the blonde woman was in his window. I want him to feel what I feel every time I scroll through his Instagram and see him with a model on his shoulder. I hope once he feels the true claws of jealousy, he’ll stop avoiding what we both know is happening between us.
“I’m heading back to the house. The door will be unlocked.” His face is set in a cool, straight line, not giving away anything as he stands.
But I can’t let him leave, not yet.
“Let me walk you back,” I blurt out and stand up to follow him.
He gives me a curious expression as we walk toward the shrub line. Once we reach the opening between the bushes, I nearly lose my breath when he turns on me and holds me against his body, his hands on my hips. We’re hidden from the party. My pulse is flying a million beats a minute.
“I didn’t give you your birthday present,” he says, holding me so close to his body that I can hardly breathe.
“What is it?”
Moving my hair out of my face, he leans down, his face a breath away from mine.
“Happy birthday, rain cloud.” Then his lips are on mine. They are so soft and warm, and I nearly melt from this unexpected moment. I feel his hands travel up my back until he's digging his fingers into my hair and tilting my head. His tongue slips through my lips, and I have no idea how I’m still alive because I swear, I haven’t taken a breath in minutes. As his tongue glides with mine, my legs start to tremble, but his hold on my hair keeps me upright.
Our heads tilt in the opposite direction and he takes one last swipe of my tongue before he pulls away. I’m left feeling more drunk than ever and not entirely sure I’ll be able to walk back to the party on my own legs.
“Alexander…” I whisper, afraid to open my eyes. At this point, it feels like there is no way I will leave his side. I am crawling into his bed and letting him do whatever he wants to me.
“Go have fun with your family,” he whispers, planting a kiss on my head. “But don’t ever let anyone kiss you with anything less than that right there.”
When I open my eyes, he smiles down at me, fixes my hair, and walks away.
It takes me a long time before I have the focus to walk back to the party. That kiss was like three shots of tequila, leaving me feeling dizzy and disoriented.
Why did he do that? Because he wanted to or because he wanted to set the bar too high for anyone else to meet it?
Cadence is looking at me with a mischievous expression on her face. Fischer and Liam are still horsing around in the pool. My loud aunt, the one who barely ever acknowledges me unless it’s to tell me what I’m doing wrong, walks my mom up to her room. She was starting to get belligerent, but Cadence and I don’t even seem fazed today. We’re both three sheets ourselves.
“Let’s take this party inside,” she says when it starts to get a little chilly outside. It’s late summer, and I know our days of sitting outside in the pool are numbered.
The idea of going inside instantly makes me nervous because I know the guys are included, and both of them are currently eyeing me like I'm a piece of meat. Or in their case, pizza. Cadence is carrying a bottle of champagne in one hand and a stack of glasses in another. We park ourselves in the upstairs den, a circle of chairs and a loveseat in front of the picture window. She turns on music on her phone and pours us all a drink.
I sip mine slowly, feeling like I should be somewhere else, and if I drink the thoughts away, I won’t feel it anymore.
Liam sits next to me. Close.
“You still a virgin, Sunny?” Fischer asks, being obnoxious and loud. Cadence elbows him in the ribs.
“Don’t talk about my baby sister like that.”
“What?” he said, looking defensive. “I know Liam’s curious.”
Liam’s mouth drops open as he chucks a pillow at his friend. “Not cool, man.”
The group laughs, and I finish my drink, feeling hazy and not all present.
“Let’s play a game,” Cadence says, ignoring the new awkward tension in the room. Liam scoots closer to me.
I wish Alexander was here.
“Never have I ever,” Fischer answers.
“Perfect,” she answers, over the top of her cup.
“You go first then,” Fischer says, looking like he’s brewing up something awful in that mind of his.
“How do you play?” I whisper, holding my empty cup tight between my hands.
Cadence smiles at me, like I’m a kid sitting at the grownup table. “We take turns saying something we’ve never done. Everyone who has done it has to drink.”
Oh great. It’s just another way to show off my inexperience and make me feel like a loser.
“I’ve never been a paid, commissioned artist,” Cadence says with a smug smile.
My eyes don’t leave her face as she refills my cup. “I think that’s just you, sis.”
“You’re a brat,” I mumble before sipping down my champagne.
When it’s Fischer’s turn, he makes some obnoxious remark about blow jobs, which makes Cadence the only one to drink. I bite my lip as I feel Liam’s eyes on me.
Nope, not even a blowjob, I think in my head. Get over it.
When it comes around to me, I try to think of something to say, but it’s humiliating. Everything I could say makes me feel like an idiot, like I should be humiliated for the things I haven’t dived into doing yet, especially when it was Cadence who so boldly convinced me to wait.
"I don't know," I mumble. "Never have I ever..."
"Fucked Liam," Fischer blurts out, and my sister's jaw drops.
"Fischer, man!" Liam groans, dropping his face in
his hands. Meanwhile, my cheeks turn about ten shades darker and the tension between Liam and me grows.
I like Liam, I really do. He's the nicest and most mature of Cadence's friends, and there's a little part of me that keeps considering him. Like a constant reminder that we should probably be together. That if my choices were presented already, the obvious choice would be Liam. And it wouldn't be the worst case scenario.
To be totally honest, I just always assumed I would lose my virginity to Liam.
But that's about it.
I don't think about him when he's not around. I don't search for his flaws, thinking that he has none, but knowing that if I did search, I would find plenty.
Across the room, my sister puts down her cup, but I see Liam's eyes glued on her face.
"This game is done," she murmurs.
Awkward silence fills the room, while Fischer fights the urge to say something else. The truth is obvious. My sister avoided drinking because she didn’t want to admit that she and Liam have had sex.
Fischer doesn't want to accept it because he wants Cadence all to himself. But he walked right into this without even realizing it.
And if I could choose for my sister, I'd push her into Liam's arms all day long.
Instead, I feel his arms wrap around my shoulders, squeezing gently.
"You okay?" he asks. "It's just a joke."
His tone is genuine, and I probably do look a little shell-shocked. And I must be drunk because I'm actually leaning back into his touch.
The room sways a little when I look across the space and see Fischer leaning in toward my sister, trying to whisper something to her while she keeps her eyes down and away from him. A moment later he's kissing her, and she's not ignoring him anymore. She's kissing him back.
I can't tear my eyes away because I realize at that moment how much I don't understand my sister. Fischer treats her like shit, and just when I think she's fighting back, she leans right back into his advances. Like she was in control all along.